DS has gone to live with his dad. Devastated

[iloveshetlandponies]

I’m absolutely broken

Ds18 has moved in with his dad tonight It’s totally out of the blue . He had been away on holiday with his dad stepmom and stepbrothers and come home tonight and told me he’s got a job in a pub near his dad's. And that he is moving in with him

I lost my shit a bit im afraid and I cried a lot . I have since apologised for my reaction

he says he has been offered a job at the pub near his dad that his stepbrother works at and I was like well still live at home then ??? It’s no nearer his dads it's between the two houses

I know I should have remained calm but his dad has been a Fucking useless asshat his whole life and never paid what he is meant to for him . Done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and I’ve bought everything DS needs with no help or assistance from his dad. He was also largely absent in the first five years of his life.

We had even recently been looking at moving house so that the 3dc can all have more space and maybe even their own bathrooms and stuff. as I want them to have the option to stay at home and save for a deposit of their own. He knows this . And yet he still prefers to go to his dad where I might add he has a tiny box room with a single bed. At mine he's got a big room with a double bed and most importantly this is where he's grown up. He went to school here. He's got friends here, he has a part time job here (well, had, I guess)

My girls and my husband are devastated: my husband has bought him up since he was 2 and the girls are losing their brother

If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it . I feel utterly betrayed and worthless that he’s chose his dad over me after everything I’ve done for him

I have cried constantly tonight and still crying

Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you cope ? Did your kid ever come back ? Did you still have a relationship with them ?

Your feelings are understandable, but if his dads that useless he will figure that out and you need to let him do that.

You need to love him more than you hate your ex.

Let him go, let him learn and if his dad is who you say he is he might come back.

Even if he doesn't my relationship with my mam now I'm moved out is better than it was when I was 18 and home. It'll work out

"If he was moving out to live with a friend or going to uni I would have no problem with it ."

This bit speaks volumes. Grow up

Wow..

He is a young adult.. its up to him
this is about his choice.. unfortunately you have to accept it.. dont worry.. im sure he will still visit..

I got this.. too. Selfish.. wow..

He hasn’t “chosen” him over you-he’s picked something he thinks works better for him for now-perhaps a bit more freedom, socialising in the pub and not having time limits for getting back. It’s the age when children want their independence and he sees an easy way to get it quickly. Hang in there, in time it will show the difference between the two of you and he will realise that he won’t get certain things from that set up whilst gaining some good life experience.

Think of it as him lodging with a relative for convenience, not moving in with his worthless dad. Make sure he has everything he needs and invite him home for dinners, etc in the same way you would if he was lodging anywhere.

So all the things you’ve bought him come with strings?

No they don't come with strings . but I am just explaining the massive difference in everything I've done for him compared to his dad

And yes I'm angry about this ! Who wouldn't be ! I've picked the slack up in every way for 18 years

Some people don't believe how shit his dad has been but I know it's true as do many people in my life who have seen it with their own eyes so that's the main thing .

I am now seeing that his choice may well be more to do with living with his brothers than his dad and not a rejection of us. But it still hurts

And I'm worried he won't bother with us anymore. As I say his dad is pretty much no contact with his own mum and for absolutely no reason . As I know his mum well and she's been a big part of my family and life since I was 16 years old. So it does happen when adult children stop bothering with their parents. Sometimes there's a reason but sometimes there isn't

and in my case yes I can fully see why he might choose to stop seeing me
as I reacted completely out of order and that is on me

When my DS was 16 and I divorced his Dad for cheating on me my eldest DS who had always been closer to his Dad told me he wasn't to live with his Dad. It hurt me a lot and was worse because he had just started college and his Dad promised to drive him to college every day as very rural. After 5 weeks his Dad told D's it was too much driving him every day and ds dropped out of college. No one told me and I thought he still went. I would have driven him even though a 60 mile drive for me twice a day. DS was at home all day with no job and no transport to get to one. DS got depressed. He stopped calling me and when I called he didn't answer and his phone was mostly turned off. Then one day he rang me and told me his Dad was moving in with another woman and he would be homeless as his Dad said he was 18 then so had to sort himself out. DS moved in with me and his stepdad and younger brother. It took months to get my elder DS out to work. He had lost all his confidence and most of his friends too. He lived with me until in his early thirties he'd saved for a deposit and we helped him buy a house. What I'm saying really is your DS may well come back to you. Don't give up hope.

@iloveshetlandponies don't spend time worrying about things that may never happen.

He will bother with you. Of course he will.

And if he doesn't, then you can start to deal with it.

But don't waste your energy on focusing on things that may never happen.

Figure out a way to manage what has happened and how to make the very best of it for you and your ds.

Make sure your son knows he always has a place in your home, that it's his home too and he can come back anytime he needs

My friend had this happen. Dad was barely ever in the daughters life, would dip in and out when he felt like it

When she turned 18 she announced she was moving 3 hours away to live with her real dad, which really hurt the step dad
3 months later after she had been too ashamed to tell mum that her dad was a druggie he threw her out and she rang sobbing asking to come home...... step dad was in his car 10 seconds later going to get her

Yes it hurt that she was choosing her lousy birth father but she needed to see what she felt she had missed out on growing up, reality wasn't what she imagined

This is true. As with adopted kids, the fantasy can be so seductive. "Missing" is so much better, kind, loving, fun, understanding than "present". Let them experience how great the "missing" is in real life. With adopted kids it can work out depending on their bio parents; with deadbeat parents it never does. He's deadbeat for reasons.

I understand why you'd be upset but for your Sons sake put your feelings to one side & let him go live with his Dad with your blessing & with no guilt or pressure on him. He isn't choosing his Dad over you, he's choosing to try out a new living arrangement. You say if he'd moved in with a friend you'd not be as bothered, that says more about how you feel about his Dad than how you feel about your Son moving out. I'm sure you'll still see your Son & you may even have a better relationship with him when he sees what you have done for him over the years that his Dad won't be doing. He may well come home in a few weeks/months after he realises the grass isn't greener on the other side. Explain that he'll always have a home at your house & that if he wants to come back anytime that's not a problem.

My Grandaughter did this at age 14 ,I was upset that she would move into his house , the man who had hit my daughter and his children,the man who never paid maintenance the man who continually tried to wreck my daughters life . She stayed about 4 weeks and realized he was still a selfish , emotionally abusive man he had always been . She decided to come home and only stay occasionally with him , children still want a relationship with some horrible parents . She’s 17 now and rarely stays over but maintains a relationship on her terms !

I think this is a great post - hope you are feeling a bit better!

Oh OP I get it, that's gutting.

Only way for it to be ok is to keep smiling, wish him well, keep interested in him and be there for him if needed without ever saying I told you so.

Give him space. He needs to make decisions for himself and to learn from mistakes and learn from successes. Be there. Be welcoming. Listen.Show a positive interest. Welcome him.And keep his room ready incase he wants it back nut dingo about it to him 💐

Well - yeah, you've said it. It is on you, because your reaction probably made him feel pretty crappy and like he was having to choose between you and his dad. Unfortunately, that plays right into the crappy parent's hands I'm afraid. Dad gets to look like the laid back, chill one. Play the long game here OP - Dad may well be a waste of space, but your son doesn't know that for himself yet.

Some space might not be a bad thing for a bit, give everyone chance to cool off. I've worked in child and adolescent psychology and it's extremely rare for young people to go no contact with a parent over one falling out, so if this is the most serious issue you've had in your relationship, and you're able to put the effort in to own your part and make sure he knows you are still there for him, then your relationship will be fine in the long run.

Hi @iloveshetlandponies I understand that you feel devastated. But i honestly don’t see it as him choosing his dad over you. He is 18 and ready for a change. He probably views this as a step to independence. Also, the reality of living there is likely to be different to visiting. Be calm with him and give him the reassurance that you will always be there for him and support him.

Nine years ago. DS is sticking to his decision. If he regrets it he has never said.

I know by now he wouldn't be living at home. It is the waste of his education and his future career that hurts.

My Ex, never wanted the DC’s to be well educated. I think a deep routed fear of them being more successful than him. Keep them in their box, sadly. People are complicated!

My DS is talented and is succeeding at his hobby, but he could have had a professional life, travelled, applied to some of the top companies. I wanted him to try under his own steam, to strive for his own success and be proud of himself rather than working for his dad’s mate. No interview, no qualifications needed for the role a waste of an 11 GCSE, grade A-B student, close to taking three Alevel, student.

Thank you for your words everyone.

He’s been on holiday and probably had a great time with them all. Holidays together aren’t exactly reality are they. I wouldn’t be surprised if after a while he’s ready and willing to come back home. He’s thinking green grass atm once he’s shacked up with them and they have expectations and rules for him it won’t be quite so idyllic I bet!
Let him find out for himself…..stay calm and accommodating and just wait would be my advice

Because living like that totally sucks. It's living a half life with no solid base. Always needing things you've left at the other place. Having to have two of some things and still ending up with them both at one place and you at the other sometimes. Having to be super organised to try to prevent that happening and always carting bag(s) of stuff around with you because you're sleeping elsewhere tonight and will need it, instead of just grabbing coat keys wallet and heading out because you've got one home and you're coming back to it later. It's a massive PITA and that's when you want to do it because you want to spend time with your boyfriend as grown ups but don't feel ready to commit to living together yet. No way I'd have voluntarily done it just to appease an overly emotional parent by splitting myself between their two homes.

I have a toxic mother and I'm bordering on going NC with her completely because I rarely see her. This is because she's judgemental and can't just be happy for me, chatting to me like a normal human being. It's all snipes and comments and undercurrents of annoyance, although I've done nothing wrong so she's got nothing to be annoyed at, except that I'm not doing what she wants. I'm sick and tired of the dramatics every time I get fed up with the sniping and comments and say (calmly, politely and without attitude or pulling her up on her behaviour) that I need to leave now, usually after an hour or two. I understand that for her own reasons she's upset, she feels how she feels but she really needs to learn to deal with it herself because I'm reaching the point where her snivelling and getting teary eyed every bloody time when I try to leave is making me want to punch her in the face yell at her to grow the fuck up and never see her again. I'd never do that (except the latter) but that's how she's making me feel. My "crime" is getting on with my ordinary life, not telling her every scrap of information about it so she can't gossip about me (which she was doing before I started keeping aspects of my life to myself).

If you don't get to grips with your emotions you'll push your DS away OP. You sound angry at him because of how you feel. But he's not to blame for your emotions or responsible for them or for fixing them, so you've no right to be angry with him. If I was him I'd be extremely pissed off with you right now because if your reaction. He's done nothing wrong.

The one thing I wouldn't do is keep his room for him long term. A month maybe so he feels able to return if he's made a mistake, but no longer. It's not fair on the others when there's overcrowding and some having to share (you mentioned needing a bigger home?). They shouldn't be cramped and sharing while an empty room is kept like some weird kind of shrine to someone who has moved out.

It's a big thing to go no contact with a parent.

Just wait patiently, he will be back or in touch.

Just don't put anymore pressure on.

I also have a big hatred of my Ex which I have to swallow down when I hear anything about him.

I would feel the same, I feel for you! However, he is 18. I think it’s more to do with the fact that he’s moving in with his dad rather than the fact that he’s actually moving out? Let him go. Be supportive, at least on the face of it. You may find he’ll come back once the novelty has worn off. Try and encourage him to join you once a week for dinner and maintain good relations. He can save money at his Dad’s too. Keep your chin up. Best wishes

It is but I'm worried I've been so awful to him that he will 😞

I wish I could turn the clock back but I can't