My 12 yr old son lies and lies and lies…..

[glitterdust]

My ds who has 2 older sisters lies about everything, constantly, pointlessly. He lies about what he has eaten if I’m not there. Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise. He assured me he had, took a screenshot of his workout, for which I praised him, and he texted me back to say how proud he was. But it turned out to be a screenshot of a workout I had done a few weeks ago, and he had sat on the PlayStation instead. Due to previous lies, we’ve removed his phone, removed all screen time. Nothing seems to make a difference. He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

Have you asked him why he lies? Is he looking for approval or telling you what he thinks you want to hear?

Do a workout?

Something i read recently which helped me with a child I teach was 'Lying is a stress response'. For some reason he feels the need to lie. I would be honest with him and tell him you know that he's not telling the truth and ask him what's going on. Just have a calm and curious conversation and stop with the punishments as it's only going to heighten the whole thing for everyone.

Is he feeling any pressure to do or behave in ways that he doesn't feel up to? Like pp said lying is a stress response and may have become a reflex. Embellishing stories, in what way, to make himself look better in them? To impress people? What is his dynamic like with his sisters and his place in the family?

Oh that must be so frustrating, I have an adult friend who's lovely but she lies all the time, everyone knows, but we just choose to ignore that side of her personality as she's lovely otherwise.

It adds nothing to her life, and like your son, what does it add to his life by lying?

Is he missing something maybe? Does he have friends, normal social interaction?

Why on earth are you expecting a child left alone at home to do a ‘workout’? That’s not normal. No wonder he lied. His life sounds miserable. Being shouted at and punished repeatedly. I don’t think the problem here lies in your poor kid.

Who is looking after him when you’re working? You can’t remove all screens and any way of entertaining himself whilst you’re not there if he has little else to do. He sounds bored and fed up.

You sound quite controlling about exercise and eating, checking up on workouts? Maybe he just wants to chill out and doesn't want you getting angry so makes things up.

Yes, it’s very odd to ask him to do a workout when home alone. I mean, wtaf!?

maybe he’s lying to make himself match up to your expectations?

I agree. No phone, no screen time, no company…
I would back right off on the strictness for a while, up the cuddles and fun and have a chat about how you were changing family rules and the lying had to go at same time..
To me he sounds like a young teen trying to avoid trouble and looking for love and attention

Your husband is furious, his sisters don't like him and you find it hard to show you love him. No doubt he knows all of this. Poor kid.

My guess is that the lying is a coping mechanism (a very poor one). He's trying to make everyone like him. It's not working. It's making everything worse so he's lying more to try to get out of it and so the cycle continues.

The adults in his life are going to have to be the ones to break the cycle. You're both going to have to stop being angry with him, lower your expectations of him for a while ( a workout, really?) and make sure that he feels the his is good enough and is loved just as he is.

To be fair my son is the same age and v sporty, he would absolutely plan a workout with a free day.

Would you force him though and be angry if he didn't?

People who feel safe and secure don't feel the need to constantly embellish.

I'm guessing he lies because he doesn't feel good enough without lying.

Asking him to do exercise when you're at work is a bit much, who's looking after him?

He doesn't feel safe. He's lying to avoid you being nasty, and he embellishes stories to try and make you impressed with him (because he knows you don't hold him in high esteem).

You need to tell him constantly that you love him, and that he doesn't need to lie, you love him anyway. If he felt safe to admit he'd not done the workout, then he would have. Even me using 'admitting' is a loaded word here, as if he was 'admitting' to a crime!!! It's not a crime!!!

My 12 and 14 year olds wouldn't do a workout.

They wouldn't lie about not doing it though they would just tell me to stop being weird.

Poor child. How would you like to live in a house where no one likes you and you were only 12 years old?

Sounds like you're making his life miserable and he's lying to try and be something he thinks you will like because he's not good enough for your superior family.

Is there a weight issue hence the exercise? If so please change the way you're handling it.

I agree with this, it sounds like he is being micro controlled so it's no wonder there are problems.

I'm not surprised he lied.

He didn't want to do the workout. Look at his options- in trouble for not doing the workout or in trouble for telling a lie (but might get away with it so worth the risk).

Sounds like you both rule him and make him do what he doesn't want to do. Parent pressure is making him lie, change your own behavior and his might change too.

Why did he need to do some exercise at that point, at your say so? I don't think most 12 year olds do set workouts at home on their own.
What would your reaction have been if he'd said he didn't want to?

Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise.

Huh? Who the hell asks a 12 year old to do exercise whilst they're at home (presumably on their own)? And thinks they'll actually do it?! We can barely get DSD (12) to brush her teeth without forcing her into the bathroom every morning / night. Left to her own devices she would lie in bed on her phone all day every day and not even have a wash!

If he's overweight then surely you make plans to do exercise together / as a family.. Go swimming, for a walk, play tennis etc....

This is very odd and - I may be wrong - going off your post, I would say you probably have high expectations and he feels he can't live up to them so lies to pretend he is doing what you want...

He needs some form of talking therapy. I went to school with a girl who was a compulsive liar she just couldn't stop it and everyone made fun of her it was sad really. She was craving attention for one reason or another. Maybe family therapy would help to try and get to the root of it all. But it's important you tell him you all know he is lying as soon as he does it. If he does it at school he will end up with no friends so you need to sort this out When you are at work is he missing company do you think ?

No he doesn't need therapy 🙄He needs parents who don't have ridiculous expectations of him which he feels he can't meet and so creates stories and lies to make them "proud" of him.