My 12 yr old son lies and lies and lies…..

[glitterdust]

My ds who has 2 older sisters lies about everything, constantly, pointlessly. He lies about what he has eaten if I’m not there. Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise. He assured me he had, took a screenshot of his workout, for which I praised him, and he texted me back to say how proud he was. But it turned out to be a screenshot of a workout I had done a few weeks ago, and he had sat on the PlayStation instead. Due to previous lies, we’ve removed his phone, removed all screen time. Nothing seems to make a difference. He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

I told a lot of lies as a child, sometimes I had no idea why I did it, because there was often no need. As a pp said, it was a stress response, I absolutely knew I wasn’t liked by my parents and was the odd one out from my siblings, just like your son. So whatever I said would have been wrong anyway, I was probably desperately trying to find an answer that would make them like me. This is what he is doing I’d bet, that poor kid.

Workouts and food... does he have a weight problem? Or are you concerned about his weight?

Poor child. Of course it's wrong to lie, but why is he doing it? Something not right there.

https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/why-do-teenagers-lie/#:~:text=Teenagers%20lie%20more%20than%20any%20other%20age%20group%2C%20in%20part,approve%20of%2C%20or%20avoid%20punishment.

I feel really sorry for him. It sounds like his whole life is one big punishment. And the whole family make no effort to hide their constant disappointment and disapproval of him. All teens tell white lies, to impress their peers, or to get out of doing something they don't want to do. Have you not heard the phrase 'the dog ate my homework'?
Just imagine demanding a child does a workout in the first week of holidays, while home alone, and document said workout as proof to be shown, else face extreme ridicule and contempt.
It sounds really really mean!

I can totally see why a 12 year old would lie about doing a ‘workout.’ No idea why you would put that pressure on him. Yes encourage him to go out/be active but asking for proof of a workout is over the top.

Something i read recently which helped me with a child I teach was 'Lying is a stress response'. For some reason he feels the need to lie

This is just silly. This is a 12 year old who wanted to play Playstation instead of doing a workout.

@glitterdust I'm sorry I think you're on a hiding to nothing here. This is totally normal behaviour, unless you have other examples. He's 12, it's the summer holidays - of course he wants to be doing what he wants and not spending half an hour on the exercise bike! If it's not normally something he'd do, he's not going to start now when you're not there to basically force him to!

I'm not surprised he's lying more and more if your husband is constantly angry at him - he's still only 12, he's trying to engage with you, at some point it's gone Pete Tong and he's constantly being punished for it! Why do tall tales bother you so much? Embellishing a story might illicit and eyeroll and a "are you absolutely certain it happened like that?!" comment, but unless it's something serious, why are you letting it affect you and your family so much?

You're not at home - so you think he's old enough to look after himself - but you want to remotely control what he does (exercise, food)?

I'd lie too in these circumstances!

I think you need to review your side of things. He's under a lot of pressure from you, and you describe him living in a family where no one likes him. Sounds awful for him.

He's trying to be free to make his own choices, (answers), which at this age he obviously cannot.
Is your son of above average intelligence, so to speak?

This is a similar way my generation (another country) were brought up.
Very low contact with surviving parent, 1000 miles away from "home".
😁👍

I was a compulsive liar as a kid at his age and it was mainly because my parents were always on my back, the lying made it worse and it was a vicious circle. Fair enough, tidy up after yourself and all the standard stuff, but it was like I couldn't have my own personality at home so I lied for an easier life - which always backfired because I was a kid so the lies were obvious.

My parents were great parents just overbearing, unrealistic about what to expect from a kid/teenager and wanted me to have the personality and traits they wanted me to have in their home. Gave me no space to become my own person. I was myself outside the house with other people but at home a different character. Always envied the families where their rapport with each other seemed totally natural, like they weren't towing a line.

Poor kid. Can he not have a snack or play on his PlayStation without being grilled with Gestapo tactics? It's the school holidays FFS. No wonder he lies, he's scared of being found out not obeying ridiculous orders. He's 12
Cut his some slack why don't you

I don't know why you're getting such a bashing, OP - a 'workout' is hardly being flogged in the blazing sun and denied food and water (it's good for children's brains and bodies) and not having a phone should be the norm for a 12 year old, it's not an inhuman punishment by a cruel parent.

That said, I remember being a child no one in my family liked (late-diagnosed ADHD) and it does warp your view of how to behave or get attention. I've also dealt with my own children in difficult stages like this, and the most frustrating thing is that if anything works, it's just love-bombing them with loads of attention and praise for their good behaviour, which is that last thing you want to do when they're being hard work.

If you wanted, you could also talk to him gently about someone you knew (or maybe yourself) telling lies when younger, and the consequences of that, and just let him sit with the knowledge that you see what he's doing but still love him, and he has the power to change that. But it's probably quite embedded now, so it'll need patience and a real effortful focus on it. Good luck.

Can he not have a snack or play on his PlayStation without being grilled with Gestapo tactics? It's the school holidays FFS. No wonder he lies, he's scared of being found out not obeying ridiculous orders.

Glad to see no one's turned down the Hyperbole Machine for the summer.

I’m trying ever so hard not to be a parent who bashes him all of the time. My son largely has a parent at home when possible, but sometimes he is left at home with older sisters. If it is a day like that, isn’t it reasonable to ask him to do some exercise before having the rest of the day on his phone/playstation? The lying isn’t just about food/exercise, it is everything he says. And it has being going on for a while. We’ve tried sitting him down so many times and telling him he’s loved, and how would he handle the lies? But no progress, and in some ways it’s worsening…..

@glitterdust No, I don't know a single parent who would ask any child to do exercise whilst they are out of the house. Nor do I know a single child who would actually do it.

You are ignoring what everyone is saying OP. Why does he need to do exercise?

I think you're either about and do something with him (go for a walk/run/swim) or you leave him alone.

To expect him to be able to moderate his time on the PlayStation at his age is unrealistic.

Maybe you need to adjust the expectations a bit.

You sound very controlling. 12 year old children want to make their own plans for their free time. Ease up a bit. Don't punish him, try and enjoy something with him. Strengthen your relationship. He may stop lying if you start showing him respect and loving him for who he is.

Does he feel pressured? Take food for example, are you proud of having a healthy diet? Is it important to you and do you talk about it (a lot) ? Telling him how lucky he is, how bad other foods are?

He might just not want to eat the ham sandwich but just a packet of ham ... but he's telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Because it's what you perceive as healthy/ better or whatever.

My DS is similar he wants to be good and pleasing whilst trying to be independent and making his own (naughty or indulgence) decisions.

I just call my DS out and say something like I don't care what you eat, I just wanted to know if you had something because I am going to cook dinner in a minute and wanted to know if you are hungry .... he's lying a lot less these days!

My 12 yr old lies and I have to be honest it is often linked to my perhaps unrealistic demands - so I try to acknowledge that.

Look - what is the context of a 12 year old having to work out alone - children tend to move/ be active when playing/ with friends/ enjoying themselves - they don't usually (like adults) do 'workouts' to get physical activity cos that is dull !

Is he getting enough chance/ help in meeting up with friends? Or is he left alone all day and asked to do a work out to 'earn' tv / screen time cos that sounds pretty shit for a 12 year old.

Surely the only 12 years olds who do workouts are those who want to because they have an interest in it? Does he know his sisters don’t like him? Is he happy being left with them?
Were the girls both ‘good children’ when they were growing up? Does he have a lot to live up to?

His sisters are picking up on the vibes you and DH are giving out about your son. It's like one poor chicken being pecked by the others.
It isn't normal to insist on the exercise and DH to be furious.

It's not unreasonable to ask, no. But you're not just asking him, you're asking him to provide proof of something he feels forced into. It's telling that you won't give other examples just, apparently, 'everything'.

Let me tell you, my husband sometimes has a problem with this. Because if he was caught doing something he shouldn't, or not doing something he should, no matter how benign, he was bollocked for it. Severely.

Just back off. Seriously. It's not going to do anything other than harm your relationship to be checking up on him so much and getting angry about it as well.

I agree

It sounds aggravating and of course you want him to stop doing it. I just want to say (in case you are worried) that it is not that unusual. As Judge Judy says "You know how you can tell a teenager is lying? Their lips are moving."

It doesn't sound as if he is so much a compulsive liar as a liar of convenience. It's not great but it is just to save argument and nagging.

Hang on… you say another poster’s words are silly:

This is just silly. This is a 12 year old who wanted to play Playstation instead of doing a workout.

but you go on to say the same thing…

I'm not surprised he's lying more and more if your husband is constantly angry at him - he's still only 12, he's trying to engage with you, at some point it's gone Pete Tong and he's constantly being punished for it!

Either way, poor boy, give him a break. I lied as a child and it was all to try to get positive attention. It’s on you OP to be the bigger person and adapt how you’re parenting him.