My 12 yr old son lies and lies and lies…..

[glitterdust]

My ds who has 2 older sisters lies about everything, constantly, pointlessly. He lies about what he has eaten if I’m not there. Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise. He assured me he had, took a screenshot of his workout, for which I praised him, and he texted me back to say how proud he was. But it turned out to be a screenshot of a workout I had done a few weeks ago, and he had sat on the PlayStation instead. Due to previous lies, we’ve removed his phone, removed all screen time. Nothing seems to make a difference. He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

Rubbish! So why do they have weekly PE lessons. Look at all the athletes of today all started from children. This is why this country has the highest rates of obesity in Children within Europe.

It is certainly not because 12 years old aren’t doing forced gym workouts 🤣

Weekly PE lessons in school is one thing. Demanding that your child follows a workout regime at home in the holidays while alone is another thing altogether.

OP do your daughters have to follow workout regimes as well?

Oh but I assume you had no problem with it during lock down 🤣

THis is similar to me.

@TwigletsAndRadishes Again rubbish why is it one thing to be installed at school, I'm guessing if you have children they do homework same should apply with physical education. Using words like demanding is a bit excessive wouldn't you say?

OK, I reread all her 3 posts and you are right - blimey! I think the OP and her DH come across as very controlling and unreasonable. Hopefully it isn't the case and they just need some help to understand each other's needs.

If a 12 year old child is providing screenshots as evidence he has done his workout and then his mother is cross referencing that 'evidence' with past photos to expose it as a lie, then I'd say that sounds more like someone demanding or requiring the workouts, rather than suggesting them, wouldn't you?

That's because it was part of the curriculum which parents were expected to oversee at home and because children didn't have the same opportunities to go outside and run around or bike ride etc, as part of normal play, as they normally would.

This isn't lockdown, is it?

@TwigletsAndRadishes "Evidence" "Cross referencing evidence." Can you actually hear yourself you sound like a police officer, calm down and look at the bigger picture. He's a teenage boy who has lied which is not unusual he won't be the first and he won't be the last. Do I think her expectations are a little high yes but be helpful with your comments and give some food for thought so that she can better understand her son.

Your comment regarding PE I mean we all have different parenting styles for me it was always important to install good routines which included workouts and my daughters loved working out it made them feel good and we all did it as a family. Unfortunately life has changed somewhat with college, uni and work but they still keep fit but in their own time now.

The exercise thing is just part of the picture, I didn’t ask him to provide ‘evidence’ that he had some exercise, he spontaneously sent that to me, and it all took some planning on his part. His teacher in year 5 phoned me to say he was alienating the other kids with odd boasting and lying. At the beginning of this year he chose to join some clubs at school, nothing to do with us, and I’ve chatted about these with him, and he’s told me what they’ve been doing each week, stories about what has happened, but he hasn’t been going to them. We only found out as school contacted us as he hasn’t been where he should’ve been at lunch breaks etc. This morning he told me he had been up all night with D+V, but then subsequently said he had made that up. So many times we have asked him why, what we can do, but we make no progress…

possible causes I can think of would be low self esteem, social anxiety, severe conflict avoidance, demand avoidance.

It's strange that he would spontaneously join clubs then not attend. A possible reason could be that he wants to do that stuff in principle, wants to do things with others, but then he’s anxious about it and doesn’t know how to explain that or is embarrassed. Or if there’s demand avoidance going on, then it could be that as soon as it becomes something he’s expected to attend he doesn’t want to any more. I’ve joined many clubs and courses as an adult and then failed to follow through because in the moment I’m too anxious or my mind is too full of other things or it’s just hard getting out of my comfort zone. But that’s all stuff that would have to be teased out through lots of talking, ideally involving a professional.

If it’s self esteem and social worries then obviously lots of love and safety at home is important. He could also benefit from seeing evidence that love doesn’t require achievement eg seeing you support dh when he relates a story about something he got wrong or something he’s worried about.

It sounds like a really frustrating situation.

"This morning he told me he had been up all night with D+V, but then subsequently said he had made that up. "

Did he explain there and then why he made that up?

It sounds to me he is lying because he likes the reaction/connection it gives. So for D&V did he get sympathy/concern? For boasting/lying in Yr5, perhaps it was to try and connect with others (how are his social skills?) For the clubs, if he finds social situations hard, then he may have got anxious over going but didn't want to lose face to you (or feel less about himself) so played along and got attention from you about the clubs and got positive interaction from it.

I really think family therapy would help to unravel what is going on, understand his motivation, and carefully change to a more positive dynamic. Even if DS doesn't want to engage, you and DH can go, because it sounds so awful to just continue as is with a child who to me is hugely struggling.

does he have a grandparent or other family member who loves/likes him he could go and live with as living with you is hell for him. His dad and sisters hate him, you dont sound any better . This poor boy.

telling him he is loved is useless when its clear everyone hates him

This sounds tough OP - and you are being a good parent in wanting him to to establish healthy habits and it is understandable to feel frustrated by this behaviour of his.

In this case,
If he had said 'no - I don't want to do a workout and won't be doing one'. What would have happened next?
(Did he have an option other than lying for this?)

In general, when he tells lies
-How does he react when you believe them?
-How does he react when you doubt them?
-Are his lies to gain something for himself?

Why did he feel he needed to lie? Does he love working out? My son is 12 but hasn't gone through puberty yet. I wouldn't leave him alone for more than an hour or two because he'd be bored and a bit miserable. If I did I definitely wouldn't expect him to do anything except hang out on screens, and I'd be proud of him for getting through the day without me - that would be enough. (And I reckon my son might lie too if I put unrealistic expectations on him as he wouldn't want to disappoint me - but I wouldn't tell him to work out in the first place. I might suggest he goes for a walk or something but it'd be no big deal if he didn't)

My horrid MIL taught my husband to lie as a kid - he told me he just used to say whatever would get her off his back as nothing he did was ever good enough (he's also autistic although never diagnosed as MIL didn't believe it was helpful to acknowledge any kind of struggle). Even now he'll sometimes make ridiculous excuses if he feels "caught out" (I don't mean big stuff i mean stuff like forgetting an appointment) - it's tied up with insecurity.

Read back to yourself what you wrote about how his own family feels about him. You’re vile.

The OP came on here looking for help. Even if you think, based on a tiny snapshot, that she’s doing everything wrong, how can it possibly be helpful to attack her like this? Have a little empathy for a mum trying her best and offer some constructive and supportive advice instead of name calling.

Aww boohoo maybe she will have an idea as to how her poor son feels, surrounded by bullies that make it clear they don’t love him.

The tone of this post makes me think DS isn't accepted and loved for who he is. It's not surprising he feels the need to lie. I feel really sad for him.

“I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard”

This right here is why your son acts the way he does. My partner grew up in a family like this, he’s now 33 and we’ve gone NC with his parents. Its the best thing we could have done for him. His mental health has suffered for years due to his family and the way they treat him for years. Think of the damage you’re doing to your DS!

No wonder he lies when he will feel so alone, probably feels like its easier to lie than tell the truth.

Kids his age live laying anround about doing nothing on screens. They call it rotting, which is quite grim. My 14 year old is very sporty and active and does a lot of exercise but I think if I suggested he did a work out while I was out at work, he’d think I was mad. He also plays with friends online, which I’m happy about if I’m out of the house working- I don’t feel so bad about leaving him and not being able to drop him off to meet up with people etc!

My DN used to lie - he also used to do really irritating things like hum tunelessly for ages or tap things noisily. Everyone used to be a bit exasperated with him but as he wasn't my child i didn't say anything. He also used to irritate his DB mercilessly.
He is undiagnosed ADHD I think. Also had almost no friends, still doesn't 20 years on. But successful career etc now