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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

My 12 yr old son lies and lies and lies…..

127 replies

glitterdust · 24/07/2024 07:54

My ds who has 2 older sisters lies about everything, constantly, pointlessly. He lies about what he has eaten if I’m not there. Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise. He assured me he had, took a screenshot of his workout, for which I praised him, and he texted me back to say how proud he was. But it turned out to be a screenshot of a workout I had done a few weeks ago, and he had sat on the PlayStation instead. Due to previous lies, we’ve removed his phone, removed all screen time. Nothing seems to make a difference. He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

OP posts:
Sanguinello · 26/07/2024 14:21

My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him
If it's got to this point, family therapy might be a good idea. Not necessarily to find out what's wrong with him, but what has gone wrong with family dynamics. If he's become the family scapegoat, you might need outside help to change things.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/07/2024 14:22

It isn't normal to lie like that all the time. He does need therapy to get to the bottom of it, it might not be the parents fault you can't make assumptions like that. Does he compulsively lie at school?
I was very badly abused at home and only lied if I thought it might get me out of a beating, not otherwise.
I'm sure OP isn't beating him.
he needs therapy or it will become a habit and he will end up as a compulsive lying man and there is nothing worse.

lavenderlou · 26/07/2024 14:40

I think you need to ask yourself if the lies really matter. Pretending to do a workout or embellishing anecdotes are the examples you have given which aren'tbig issues. You could try just nodding along and letting it go - maybe he wouldn't then feel the need to lie so much?

Original poster
glitterdust · 26/07/2024 18:11

Thanks, maybe it has got to the stage where we get some external help. It all just makes me so sad tbh, hence my post. I thought I was doing the right thing, going with him exercising and moderating PS time if I’m not there but now it feels all wrong 😞

OP posts:
RightOnTheEdge · 26/07/2024 18:27

I think everyone is being really dramatic about the exercise!
OP didn't say he had to do a work out and she didn't say in the OP that she expected him to send proof either, he just did.

My dcs are left alone a lot sadly while I work and my nearly 12yr old spends the whole day in bed on his phone or on his pc. I said to him the other day he should try and go in the garden and practice some football or ride around the block on his bike to get away from the screens and get some fresh air.
He didn't do it but he did come on his bike to meet me from work.
Is that really bad of me?

Scarletrunner · 26/07/2024 18:46

Are his older sisters very good/successful?

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 26/07/2024 20:19

CopperNanoTubes · 26/07/2024 14:17

Hang on… you say another poster’s words are silly:

This is just silly. This is a 12 year old who wanted to play Playstation instead of doing a workout.

but you go on to say the same thing…

I'm not surprised he's lying more and more if your husband is constantly angry at him - he's still only 12, he's trying to engage with you, at some point it's gone Pete Tong and he's constantly being punished for it!

Either way, poor boy, give him a break. I lied as a child and it was all to try to get positive attention. It’s on you OP to be the bigger person and adapt how you’re parenting him.

Show quote history

You're right, I don't think I'd read the full post before I commented.

I don't necessarily think it's always a stress response. A lot of the time it is just because they don't want to do something and a fib hurts no one.

Emmz1510 · 28/07/2024 20:10

If he feels he has to lie about having done exercise that you’ve demanded of him, that gives a small indication of your relationship dynamic. Are you making him do exercise to address a weight concern or even just to get him more physically active? If so you are going about it all wrong. A 12 year old should be walking, running, cycling, swimming, playing a team sport, shooting hoops, skateboarding, rollerblading or ice skating, something he enjoys not doing a ‘workout’. You say he lies constantly but you haven’t given many example. He lied about what he ate when you aren’t there? What do you mean? Are you quizzing him to make sure he is eating healthily? This is all too much pressure and I’m sorry but I suspect he is lying to cope with it all the micromanaging

Whataretalkingabout · 28/07/2024 20:16

OP it sounds as though you and your son need family therapy.
And the sooner you accept responsibility and pursue it the quicker things will change for your son. Good luck

Scarydinosaurs · 28/07/2024 20:18

I’m going to disagree with the above - I think checking in on exercise/what kids have eaten is just normal part of parenting. It’s only a problem here because he is lying - but it could be about anything: school work, washing, tidying.

when you’ve spoken about it before, what has he said about why he does it?

Have you ever watched a tv show/read a book about a character who compulsively lies? Might be a good starting point for a conversation. Detach it from his behaviour first of all so he can talk about it, and then help him to break the habit.

dapsnotplimsolls · 28/07/2024 20:28

When did it start? Was there something that could have triggered it? Does he lie all the time at school?

Clueless2024 · 28/07/2024 20:42

My mother was (is) batshit, with completely unrealistic & unreasonable expectations, so consequently everyone lied to her (sometimes, darling father included).

We did it, because honestly it was easier than having to listen to her ridiculous tirades, which would go on & on & on & on & on. Not saying lying is right, but in our scenario it beat the alternative & having to deal with crazy, over reactions.

So he could be lying to save face. Or some people can just be pathological liars, incapable of telling the truth.

tolerable · 28/07/2024 20:49

from the bottom "i try my best to show him love but its really hard"
"HIs sisters dont like him"
"your husband/so dad?is constntly furious with him"
"conversation is lmost impossible"
READ that again.
hes a 12 year old child. you struggle to show love to,his sisters dont like him n dds const-fewmin. how much 1-1 time does he get.cos id start at fixing that.then he cant lie-cos your there.hes trying to hit invisible mrkers i think. it mkes me really sad to think you typed tht out n didnt put yourself in his boots.

Delphiniumandlupins · 28/07/2024 21:01

If you want him off screens and being active could you find something you know he would like (eg give him/let him earn money to go swimming/play golf). Would he run errands, like walk or cycle to get some shopping? Lying can become a habit that people adopt even though to an outsider it's obvious they're not telling the truth.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/07/2024 21:03

glitterdust · 24/07/2024 14:14

I’m trying ever so hard not to be a parent who bashes him all of the time. My son largely has a parent at home when possible, but sometimes he is left at home with older sisters. If it is a day like that, isn’t it reasonable to ask him to do some exercise before having the rest of the day on his phone/playstation? The lying isn’t just about food/exercise, it is everything he says. And it has being going on for a while. We’ve tried sitting him down so many times and telling him he’s loved, and how would he handle the lies? But no progress, and in some ways it’s worsening…..

It's not normal to have to ask a 12 yo boy to do a workout. He should be out walking and running around with friends, kicking a ball in the park, riding his bike and having a normal, active childhood where he stays fit just by keeping active doing normal 12 yo stuff.

I understand that screens and games consoles play a huge part in pre-teens lives now, but making him do exercise sessions at home is just weird. He needs to be distracted with something else fun that gets him out of the house and moving around with other people, preferably his peers. It sounds like it suits you to have him on the console all day because he's out of sight, out of mind, and you know exactly where he is, but you also expect him to exercise without giving him any fun, normal opportunities to do it. Does he overeat junk food out of boredom and do you give him a hard time about that as well?

I'll hazard a guess that the pressures and demands put on him by you and your husband that make him feel judged or inadequate are what is leading to his lying.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 28/07/2024 21:14

He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

Classic attention seeking behaviour. He's trying to engage you and get your interest. It sounds like he's not feeling seen or heard and when he is, he's an irritant. Poor kid.

NuffSaidSam · 28/07/2024 21:16

I'd try and reduce the amount of questioning type conversation you have with him. You don't really need to ask him if he's exercises/what he's eaten/has he done his homework etc. If you reduce the number of these type of questions, you'll reduce the number of lies and reduce the stress on the relationship. Have open-ended conversation with him where they'll be much less 'need' for him to lie. Break the cycle a bit.

supersop60 · 28/07/2024 21:18

Can you give an example of the kinds of lie? Is it just exaggeration ( eg friend's dad has a Ferrari) or is it completely Walter Mitty fantasy?

Sunnysundayicecream · 28/07/2024 21:24

I remind my 14 year old to get some exercise in if I am out all day and the weather is nice. He will usually get out on his bike or go for a run. If I get back and he hasn't moved I will suggest going with him to play badminton or go for a swim, but generally he is self motivated. I think it is important that they keep fit and do something with their day. Once he has done something though he will slob on the ps4 or his phone for the rest of the day.

ouch321 · 28/07/2024 21:26

What exactly do you ask him to do?

Do you have a home gym and you ask him to go on the treadmill, for example, or are you expecting him to use weights or what?

I was never asked to go and do a workout as a child. Exercise came naturally through playing out on bikes with friends for example.

Ineedaholidayyyy · 28/07/2024 21:26

This is just so weird , I don't know anyone who demands their child provides evidence of doing a workout at home. It wouldn't be unreasonable to encourage him to incorporate some physical activity into the day, but to punish him and be furious at this, is just very strange! I am not surprised the kid is lying to you

Starlightstarbright3 · 28/07/2024 21:27

My Ds told lots of lies ..

lots of advice … stop giving him a chance to lie .You have all the plates still in your room so bring them down like you were asked .

don’t ask questions - if he is going to be in trouble for lying ….. I.e he told you he had done the work out . It gave him praise rather than no I am too hot and bothered to work out

give him more power - what do you want to eat when we are at work ? I wfh till my Ds was year 8 . It was a little bit like kid in a sweet shop - to the point he has been sick ( he does have ADHD so impulsive)

I honestly think the consequences are so harsh he just lies .

everyone doesn’t like him / is mad at him .. hard place to be .

The you are the adult in here so need to change the situation … what you are doing isn’t working

Luckyducky10 · 28/07/2024 23:16

Wow. Sisters don’t like him, dad is furious, and a mum that finds it hard to love him. How about some one to one time and a good chat with him to see how he’s feeling

traintocatch · 29/07/2024 02:34

glitterdust · 26/07/2024 18:11

Thanks, maybe it has got to the stage where we get some external help. It all just makes me so sad tbh, hence my post. I thought I was doing the right thing, going with him exercising and moderating PS time if I’m not there but now it feels all wrong 😞

With parenting we realised our kids need us to guide them and set an example if we want good results. Your son needs your love not you telling him he is loved. He doesn't see it. Your expectations are too high. Yes, get help but for you and your husband, not your child. He needs you both to hear him out.

traintocatch · 29/07/2024 02:37

Ineedaholidayyyy · 28/07/2024 21:26

This is just so weird , I don't know anyone who demands their child provides evidence of doing a workout at home. It wouldn't be unreasonable to encourage him to incorporate some physical activity into the day, but to punish him and be furious at this, is just very strange! I am not surprised the kid is lying to you

She meant a working out page (maths/English) not physical exercise.