My 12 yr old son lies and lies and lies…..

[glitterdust]

My ds who has 2 older sisters lies about everything, constantly, pointlessly. He lies about what he has eaten if I’m not there. Yesterday, I was at work, and asked him to do some exercise. He assured me he had, took a screenshot of his workout, for which I praised him, and he texted me back to say how proud he was. But it turned out to be a screenshot of a workout I had done a few weeks ago, and he had sat on the PlayStation instead. Due to previous lies, we’ve removed his phone, removed all screen time. Nothing seems to make a difference. He tells me an anecdote, which is always embellished with so many lies, I find conversation with him almost impossible. My husband is furious with him, constantly, about it all, and his sisters don’t like him. I try my best to show him love but its really hard

@traintocatch no she doesn't.
She asked him to do some exercise and he said
He had done a workout and was so proud of himself but he sent her a screenshot of a workout she had done.

He's not doing maths or English.

I can't help feeling sorry for the lad.
His sister's dislike him, his dad is furious and you don't love him.

He will absolutely know this.
Imagine knowing that even your own family don't like you 😭

You, as a family, need professional help.
CAMHS do family therapy but everyone has to buy into it. Would your girls be up for that? Not much point pursuing if they won't.
Not sure if you can access that sort of help elsewhere.

You left him alone and told him to do a workout?
Go for a walk with him? Take him to the gym. Are there any outdoor gym.places near you?

He's 12. You and your husband sound very uncaring.

He's 12! Have a bit of empathy and support your child.

I'd work with him on it, like what is it that is going on for him when he lies, what is the impact, what could he do instead, practise over a period of time telling the truth about some less consequential things. Also its actually okay and quite healthy to have a boundary about not being honest about everything, you can overshare or be too honest and sometimes it's kind and diplomatic. It's maybe his way of telling you that he's unhappy and up to you to find out why.

Strict parents raise great liars

Poor boy :(

I used to lie a bit (nowhere near this extent) when I was a kid, it was because my mum constantly made me feel shit about myself.

I feel sorry for him too. But constant lying is an issue and you will have to address that.

Lying is not ideal, but it is common in children who don't feel accepted and loved. And it's a lot less dangerous than an eating disorder.

My parents used to accuse me of lying all the time when I was a teenager when I wasn’t. I found out years later that they never approached the school about the bullying I was experiencing every single day of secondary school because they thought I was making it up.

How about you just trust your son and if he says he’s eaten or done a workout don’t check up on him?

That was my first thought , totally strange .
Exercise is normally done as a family activity at 12, bike ride , beach walk etc not leaving a 12yr old to do a workout at home , sounds like you're setting him up to fail .

Children are hypersensitive to criticism particularly from their loved parents. It is really important to be positive a lot more than you are negative. That is 5-10 times more positive comments and gestures than negatives. If he isn't getting that some of the lies are to gain your interest and please you. It isn't too late to change by the way .

He sounds very insecure. Ishe comparing himself to his sisters or peers? Or is it because he thinks you’re disappointed with him?

Don’t tell him to exercise or check up on what he’s done or what he’s eaten. Obviously ensure he’s safe and has food to eat, but then leave it. Don’t ask him what he did or what he ate. It will take weeks, but hopefully this will ease the pressure on him.

When you have a conversation with him and he lies, pick out the bit of the story you know is true, show interest and ignore the rest. He should then learn that he doesn’t need to embellish and exaggerate to get approval/interest from you. If the whole story is a lie, give a non-committal and brief acknowledgement and then make a positive comment on something else you know is true and that he’ll be able to talk about instead.

If I told my teen to do a workout when I was out he would just say no. So he wouldn't lie about it because he just wouldn't do it.

My opinion is we are teaching them to be adults at 18 so they need to be guided not controlled. I advise don't tell. So yesterday he went swimming with his friend because they wanted to. He will exercise on his own terms not when I decide he will.

So that is why your son is lying.

This is a difficult one and I completely understand as this is the same issue I have with my DD of 16. She has been lying since she was a young child, always touching peoples belongings and denying it. I'd be at a friend's house and we would smell perfume sprayed and asked her why she thought it was ok to touch peoples belongings and she'd deny it crying and saying..."It wasn't me." That was here famous line! Her lies became more exaggerated and dangerous the older she got. She once lied and told a friend of mine that I made her sleep on the stairs when the reality was she had been on a time out and pretended to fall asleep so that I would wake her up and give her attention. It strained my bond with her as she has an older sister who wasn't challenging, very much a sweet and pleasant girl and I didn't get why they were so different.

After doing some self reflection I came to the conclusion that me and my daughter are very similar. Yes she lies and it infuriates me because I believe she can do better and doesn't need to lie but on reflection and reading on children's behaviour it made sense that she was lying to protect herself from the disappointment of her mother. I also asked her why does she do things that she knows is wrong and her answer was that her brain she has two people talking to her, one that says no this is a bad idea and the other that says go on do it! Then when she gets caught out she lies on the spot to protect herself. I then decided to no longer fuel the lying with disappointment and punishments, now when she lies or does something she knows is wrong I give it no attention and kind of brush it of with..."Oh well let's hope you learnt your lesson."

She still lies and it has made her life more difficult in keeping friendships as she is always involved with the she said he said. Her relationship with her sister is so strained because her sister can't trust her. I continue to support her in making better decisions and help her to become more confident in herself so that she doesn't need to people please. Apart from her lying she has such a big heart with a strong personality, gifted in the arts she loves acting and is the most strongest little lady I know.

How do you know his life is miserable? You've take 5% and made a mountain of assumptions, stop getting triggered and look at the bigger picture if you have nothing productive to contribute to then don't reply.

Why is it odd? OP may have to work full time like most maybe she doesn't have the luxury to be a stay at home Mum. Making sure her son is getting some exercise and eating well is what a mother should do. It's extremely difficult to balance work life and home life in this era most Mothers are trying their absolute best to make both work. Comments like yours infuriates me.

Not true at all.

I've been reading these comments and I'm so sad at how much these "Mums" have offered such unhelpful comments and advice. Most of them sound so insecure and pathetic can't read in between the lines of your OP.

You are doing an amazing job I don't know your situation I'm guessing you work and you're trying to be a mother too.

My advice from a mother who has experienced this, give it no attention anymore. Keep the conversation moving, if he lies just keep it light. Stop the punishments they don't work!
Spend a day with him and have fun together don't bring up the lying just make the day about him.

I'm not saying it will stop the lying my DD still lies but we just accept that part of her and keep it moving onto positive things. We only now talk about the positive things she does and when she lies we look at it as a blip talk about how she could have made a better decision and move on.

FYI My DD is also being assessed for ADHD she has complex Epilepsy too and is on a lot of medication.

I'd tell him that while he might be saying these lies about insignificant stuff now, when it comes to the significant stuff later on, you just won't be able to believe him then - based on his track record.
Say he feels ill, how will you believe him?
Say he is in genuine trouble - how will you believe him?

At the moment, because he's lying so often, when the time comes and he really really needs your help, how will you believe him???

OP is getting flamed for telling 12yo son to do a home workout, he should be getting exercise in fun ways outside etc.. Yes, absolutely, in an ideal world. I don’t know anything about OP’s life but surely we can all imagine situations where playing outside isn’t feasible some days. If he’s home with just older sisters and no arrangements with friends and there’s not a big garden and it’s not the safest area for a 12yo to go out alone then fun outside exercise options are basically non existent. And maybe he’s the type that prefers to stay in anyway. We’re supposed to bring up our kids to understand the importance of healthy eating and regular exercise, so in those circumstances it’s appropriate to encourage some kind of exercise at home. Not as fun as a bike ride in the countryside, but better than nothing. And yeah, mum or dad at home and able to take him out would be better than staying home with sisters but people have to work! And maybe a sporty holiday club would get him active in a more fun way but they also cost loads, and they’re not equally available everywhere, and not all kids want to do them... Without knowing the whole situation it’s easy to come up with “better” ideas than a home workout but days at home happen and a reminder to still do something active in that case is reasonable.

It’s also completely normal and appropriate for parents to keep tabs on what their kids are eating and encourage healthier options or even strictly limit snacks, explaining the importance of a balanced diet. What would you all think of a parent who lets their 12yo eat whatever they like and play on screens all day? I think there’s too much judgment on this thread. Sounds to me like OP is trying to encourage healthy behaviour, doing the best she can with the situation she’s got.

The first thing I’d want to check is whether this happens at school as well, is it something teachers have noticed? Also, understanding his social situation at school. As others have said, lying could easily be a response to feeling inadequate, unliked, and lacking social skills. If he’s 12 I guess he’s been in high school for one year, has the lying started or got a lot worse this past year? The move to high school can certainly knock confidence and disrupt social lives.

How to break the cycle, I don’t know. He needs to find better strategies to get whatever it is that he wants. Might be positive attention from parents or siblings, might be something at school, might be about autonomy as he’s reaching teen years. If its relatively new there’s a chance he’ll figure it out on his own. Increasing one in one time with you could help to make him feel more loved, rather than just telling him he’s loved. Otherwise I suspect it needs understanding and targeted support rather than punishment for the symptom. There is a chance he actively enjoys lying for its own sake, but I’d start with the assumption that he’s trying to meet appropriate needs probably for attention and approval and love, just in a maladaptive way. If you’ve tried that lots and it’s not helping then therapy might be a good next step,

where did I say I was a stay at home mum? 🤨

You didn't and neither did I assume you was, I stated that OP may not have the luxury to be a stay at home Mum.

A workout for a 12 year old is too much-they'll never want to do it as adults if they're obligated to do it now.