DH not understanding teenagers

[Delatron]

So we have what I think is a pretty typical teenage boy. 15 and a half. Gets himself up and goes to school every day. Plays lots of sports. Struggles with school due to dyslexia and ADHD. So reports tend to be bad with some good subjects. Doesn’t really knuckle down and study.

Has a good group of friends. Doesn’t go out that often. Went out last night. Had a few beers.

According to DH (and he moans at me about this every bloody day). He is lazy, he doesn’t do anything, he’s been in bed all day with a hangover, he doesn’t want to spend time with us (go figure he’s a teenage boy).

He hasn’t been in bed all day - he’s been chilling in his room. He’s actually just gone out for a run.

Yes I’d love him to spend time with us and I miss how it was a few years ago but this is part of the process.

DH will not accept that. Every day he says ‘where did we go wrong, he’s so awful’ bringing the mood down in the house and pissing me off.

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

DH says I have a very low bar. I can’t stand him walking around like a bear with a sore head. He’s my problem not DS. I have spoken over and over again saying this is normal and he could be far worse! He won’t have it. I actually wish he wasn’t here. I think I’d bumble along just fine with my 2 DS. How do I tackle this?

They're all like bears hibernating when they can, sleeping in unless they've a sport hobby to go to. I had three boys, no idea about girls. Husband used to moan but I stood my ground they truly were tired. They're all men now two with young children so permanently sleep deprived.

My eldest is up at 6am, gym, shower then work. Bed by 10pm. The youngest is still a night owl but studying for a masters. So works late.

It's all normal @Delatron

This is lovely to know.

Hang on, he's 15 and went out last night for a few beers? I have a 15 year old and that doesn't seem normal to me.

The rest of it yes.

Thank you. I am arguing with him that it’s normal. He says it’s not and they are lazy. I’m like ‘shock horror, teenage son in bed until lunchtime!’

DH makes it all about himself - he’s so sad they don’t want to hang out with him. He’s so bloody needy. We are just not on the same page parenting wise and are constantly arguing about this. I can’t have him whining at me every day. I’m sad too that things have changed but you have to get on with it!

He was watching the football at a mates house and had a couple of beers. He doesn’t drink very often at all. Never stays out late and is always home by 9pm.

A lot better than I was at that age!

What exactly does you husband think your son does that’s wrong?

Yup, sounds like a typical teenager.

I think if other people think your teen is a good kid, respectful, polite, etc, then don't sweat the small stuff of sleeping in, leaving clothes lying about etc.

My husband was the same at this stage, felt I had to do a lot of moderating.

My son made me laugh on Friday - school was out and the kids in town were letting their hair down, nothing outrageous. He said, "Kids today! The future doesn't look good". He's 23!

Sorry OP, I disagree with your , it's not that bad.

I would clamp down hard on a 15 year old drinking alcohol and having a hangover. And yes I have a 16 year old. Him and his mates don't drink they would be removed from their county teams if ever caught.

If he is drinking that much at this age he is onto to a quick road to possibly destroying their liver. But from I read here the UK has a complete blindside into the linkage with health, behavioural and societal issues.🤦‍♀️

I assume he isn't on any medication for his ADHD? Because that won't go well with alcohol.

I wouldn't be impressed with a co-parent having the attitude of it's okay and leave him to it, 18 yes they are an adult, but at 15 i would be doing what I could to reduce his health and safety. Young drunk boys don't always make wise choices.

Ha ha!

He is polite and respectful. He just doesn’t want to hang out with us anymore. I think that’s normal. DH losing the plot and is sad and grumpy about it every day. DH ruined another day today as they wouldn’t go play golf with him and they never ask him how he is…so he’s in a mood.

Under age drinking has been proven to increase the chances of alcohol issues as an adult. And brain damage. His brain is still developing.. That's why the age to drink is 18..
Ia being the cool dm more important than the health of your dc?

He’s not on medication but I do hear what you are saying. I guess it’s a point of reference that locally lots of teenagers that age seem to go to parties and have a few drinks. Some too much. He doesn’t go to parties that often.

He had a couple of beers and that doesn’t happen very often but yes I’ll clamp down on that aspect. He’s normally up doing sport in Saturday so doesn’t go out at all. No sport this weekend as it’s half term.

Ok. He really doesn’t drink that often. I’d say a handful of times.

I wouldn’t say that’s ideal but not completely unusual for a 15-16 year old.

Also the odd drink is not where we disagree as parents. DH bought him a Guinness on their ski trip.

He had the beer at a friend’s house so not me trying to be a ‘cool Mum’.

Him having the odd beer is not the point of this post. It’s about DH being upset and moody that DS doesn’t want to spend time with him. Then bringing the mood down in the house.

Are your DH's parents still around? Might be worth asking them if he was hanging out with them at 15. He's clearly forgotten what it's like.

DH makes it all about himself - he’s so sad they don’t want to hang out with him. He’s so bloody needy. We are just not on the same page parenting wise and are constantly arguing about this. I can’t have him whining at me every day. I’m sad too that things have changed but you have to get on with it!

If he's feeling all needy and unloved, could you persuade DS to watch a match on TV with him, or play an online game with him sometimes, all lads together? You need to tell DS - quietly! - that his poor old dad feels left out, aaah....money might need to change hands here.

I asked him that today. ‘Oh so you hung around with your Dad loads at 15 did you?’ He says that was different. (It’s not!). I know that if I asked them they would say he didn’t!

He is deluded and thinks he’s such a cool Dad they should want to hang out with him and he’s sad that they don’t.

Oh give it a rest. A few beers watching the football occasionally isn’t going to turn him into an alcoholic 😂

I like this idea! DS2 will watch a footie match with him. I have tried to persuade DS1 to do more but he’s not really open to bribery. Will have a think though as anything to take the pressure off me.

Imo when you DO want dc to follow rules he will have the upper hand in telling you they bend when it suits you... No under age drinking accepted here or 'partners' under 16 sleeping over..

He sounds like a perfectly normal teen laying in bed till lunchtime is perfectly normal at the weekend from my 20 and 22 year olds. I personally wouldn’t want my 15 year old drinking with his friends and would prefer them to wait until at least 17.

Does your dh not remember what he was like at 15?

my teens know a few who are completely off the rails, drinking , having sex with numerous people, taking drugs, totally causing hassle to their family. Your ds is an angel compared to this.

I know right? He’s fine. He so in to his health and fitness - he drinks Kombucha and Kefir and rows for about 7 hours a week. I think his liver is fine.

He rarely goes out in the evening and is always home early. So much better than I was at that age 😬.

Yes there’s a huge spectrum at this age. I’d obviously prefer him not to drink. But he doesn’t go out very often. And definitely does not hang around parks drinking. It would only be at someone’s house with parents around and not very much at all.

He wasn’t drinking underage. He was in his friend’s house, not a licensed premises.

My son used to have a few beers when he was in his teens, didn't let him get drunk, but didn't make a huge issue about it. He's now really not bothered about drinking and doesn't often go out for drinks, he's happy to drink coke.

Yes exactly.