DH not understanding teenagers

[Delatron]

So we have what I think is a pretty typical teenage boy. 15 and a half. Gets himself up and goes to school every day. Plays lots of sports. Struggles with school due to dyslexia and ADHD. So reports tend to be bad with some good subjects. Doesn’t really knuckle down and study.

Has a good group of friends. Doesn’t go out that often. Went out last night. Had a few beers.

According to DH (and he moans at me about this every bloody day). He is lazy, he doesn’t do anything, he’s been in bed all day with a hangover, he doesn’t want to spend time with us (go figure he’s a teenage boy).

He hasn’t been in bed all day - he’s been chilling in his room. He’s actually just gone out for a run.

Yes I’d love him to spend time with us and I miss how it was a few years ago but this is part of the process.

DH will not accept that. Every day he says ‘where did we go wrong, he’s so awful’ bringing the mood down in the house and pissing me off.

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

DH says I have a very low bar. I can’t stand him walking around like a bear with a sore head. He’s my problem not DS. I have spoken over and over again saying this is normal and he could be far worse! He won’t have it. I actually wish he wasn’t here. I think I’d bumble along just fine with my 2 DS. How do I tackle this?

There will be driving lessons in a year and a half. That will be a bonding activity

Teenagers are definitely drinking less these days I think. They are a lot more health conscious. DS does so much sport I can’t see him going down the alcoholism route!

I wanted to create an environment where he didn’t have to hide anything from me - where he knew he could have a beer or 2 at home (very infrequently) and not have to hide in a park. So yes like you - not creating a huge issue or forcing him to lie.

If they want to drink they’ll find a way. Fortunately he doesn’t seem to want to very often.

Hopefully yes. Good point.

I drank underage a lot back in the 90s and I haven't got brain damage or an alcohol problem, in fact I am a high flying lawyer with 4 children and a nice home. I am sure most kids nowadays are much more responsible that we were back then!

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

Assuming you've suggested this approach to your DH, how has he reacted? Would he be open to reading a book on the teenage brain (there must be some!)?
Is he moany generally?

And the excuses start, 🤦‍♀️.

Fine you don't understand that the reason liver transplants are on the rise is earlier alcohol intake. That 30 year olds are turning up with liver conditions never seen in their age before.

That drinking when you are 15 means your chances of developing certain types of cancer multiplies.

That the studies show disproportionate impact on brain development on teens.

Needless to say of the weekly reports of violence fueled by alcohol, sure it isn't technically breaking a law.

Actually drinking earlier is linked to acholism, but don't let facts get in the way of actual difficult parenting.

All of the above is easily verified by your jurisdiction health body.

I have the same problem with my DH (grew up in quite a strict family) and my DS (on the autistic spectrum but functions reasonably well day to day), they massively rub each other up the wrong way. I spend more time trying to deal with DHs irrational comments about our DS than with my son who isn't a bad kid all in all, just a typical teenager. My DH just cannot see it even though he was a bit of a part and did silly things like get drunk at work parties when I met him in our early 20s. I think it's a man/son thing like in the jungle when there is too much testosterone and each trying to prove themselves against the other! Poor old mums have to stand by and referee and try to keep things calm 😌

prat not part 🙈

You talk about your ds like he is much older than 15. Perhaps its perspective here between you and dh.

Driving was a huge factor with my son not wanting to drink, he loves his car and living in the country, it gave him so much freedom, I was the same!

Yes I have. He says that I’m not being sympathetic that he’s allowed to be sad etc. I have told him to focus on other things - friends hobbies. But no every day he is going on and on about how lazy and useless DS is.

I have read so many teenage books (they really help me). I give them to him. He doesn’t read them. I highlight sections!! And force him to read. Nothing helps. I’ve even suggested he goes to talk to someone. I think protecting your own mental health is important at these times.

He can be quite moany (in a needy way) I’m quite blunt and pragmatic. He says ‘ignoring the problem’
is not a good idea. I disagree I don’t think there are any problems.

Way to go with the stealth boast there.

Thank you for this. It’s so hard isn’t it. You’re dealing with a DS that’s pulling away from you and a DH that is being irrational about it. Completely caught in the middle.

What’s annoying is that I’m sad too. But I have tried to help myself - by educating myself, reading about the teenage brain, focusing on friends and hobbies. And spending time with DS 2 who at 14 will still hang out with me a little!

Do I? That’s interesting- how so? To be honest he matured very quickly and went through puberty early. He’s over 6 foot tall. He definitely looks older than 15.

I wouldn't want to hang out with your dh either, he sounds like a right old grumpy hole. I wouldn't be happy about a 15 year old drinking though and I am on my 5th teen so I am not clueless, but everyone has their own opinion on this. There is so much going on in the world right now that I think if your teenager has no behaviour problems, is decent, independant, polite, goes to school, and has some nice friends, you are doing well and should thank your lucky stars.

Like you have indicated, I sometimes fantasised about my DH leaving us as think the house would be calmer and nicer without him in it. He has had a stressful time at work and does a long commute and has recently resigned and seen the doctor about having some low level antidepressants so that’s hopefully means he is heading in the right direction. I think he knows now not to say anything derogatory about DS as I challenge him on it straightaway and then give him the cold shoulder, which he doesn’t like. But it is exhausting trying to parent what feels like two kids (DS and DH) and be the only adult in the room. I too relish my younger DC for a bit of sanity!

Thank you. Yes he’s a bloody grump.

I do think he needs to get some perspective.

Ah your situation sounds very similar to mine. I told DH to go and work away today. I just can’t cope with him.

I am dreading the summer holidays. DS has 2 months off. DH works from
home. I can’t imagine how that is going to go. We may be divorced by the end of it.

His latest thing to say to me, when I tell him to stop moaning, is ’well I just won’t tell you anything then’.

Yes please don’t.

Is he completing his GCSEs? I’ve told my DS he needs to get a job as that will get him out of the house when I am WFH - he came home last week for a few hours study leave and that bugged me as usually alone in the house. My DH will also be home all summer as he is a teacher - may have to escape to work and leave them to it.

🤣

He’s in Yr10 so half way through. I do want him to get a job in the holidays.. Though seems harder at 15 than it used to be in my day.

I think you are right, my DS is in year 11 and turns 16 soon so hopefully the right age for a job. Although lots of kids around here have got jobs at 15, like working in cafes, restaurants etc. I think getting a job will hopefully give him a bit of discipline such as having to get himself to work on time and also meet different people etc. and keep him away from moody DH. DH actually said to DS today, ‘you’re a baby’ - and I looked at him dumbfounded and told him he sounded like a 5 year old girl having a fall out with a friend in the playground. God help us!

I drank a lot and took a lot of drugs back in the 90's. I'm a 42yr old recovering alcoholic 🤷🏻‍♀️ I get your point but for every person who came out unscathed there will be another person in addiction or recovery

Yes of course, so sorry to hear that you had to go through that x