DH not understanding teenagers

[Delatron]

So we have what I think is a pretty typical teenage boy. 15 and a half. Gets himself up and goes to school every day. Plays lots of sports. Struggles with school due to dyslexia and ADHD. So reports tend to be bad with some good subjects. Doesn’t really knuckle down and study.

Has a good group of friends. Doesn’t go out that often. Went out last night. Had a few beers.

According to DH (and he moans at me about this every bloody day). He is lazy, he doesn’t do anything, he’s been in bed all day with a hangover, he doesn’t want to spend time with us (go figure he’s a teenage boy).

He hasn’t been in bed all day - he’s been chilling in his room. He’s actually just gone out for a run.

Yes I’d love him to spend time with us and I miss how it was a few years ago but this is part of the process.

DH will not accept that. Every day he says ‘where did we go wrong, he’s so awful’ bringing the mood down in the house and pissing me off.

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

DH says I have a very low bar. I can’t stand him walking around like a bear with a sore head. He’s my problem not DS. I have spoken over and over again saying this is normal and he could be far worse! He won’t have it. I actually wish he wasn’t here. I think I’d bumble along just fine with my 2 DS. How do I tackle this?

I've brought up a few kids, some mine and some not. We've always allowed the occasional weak alcohol from late teens. It's not an issue, they went on to be sensible at uni too, whereas some of the kids who'd been brought up with no experience of this got into a right state come fresher's week.

Boys very much pull away and return later. There's a reason why young males are often kicked out from animal packs. I've seen it many times in other families, the "male" head the family still wants to control and dominate the younger males, wants to demonstrate that he's better than the son. We have had quite a few male fosters at 14/15 when they really start to but heads with the male of the household.

Your OH needs to rein it in.

On the subject of meds, it really is your son's decision and I'm shocked by a couple of the replies here. They aren't a magic bullet for everyone, they are strong meds and it can be a balancing act. Mumset has a very "get them on meds" attitude. Our youngest has to take a medication which is used for ADHD, but he takes it for another reason, it has limited his growth, when he already has other physical limitations and I feel so bad about that.

Thanks for this reply. So helpful to share your experiences with fostering and teenagers.

He’s quite a deeply emotional boy. He is doing loads of research on the meds. He is worried about side effects and I understand that - especially being a growing boy who does lots of sports. That worries me too. He eats a lot and needs to eat a lot. He’s healthy and eats well.

It’s a tricky age - they are pulling away but also don’t have loads of confidence and can make stupid decisions. I think we need to navigate it with care. DH is like a bull in a china shop!

Going against the grain, but I don't think your DH is a plonker. (Though I recognise he's making things difficult for you.) It sounds like he's experiencing emotions that he's not capable of dealing with, or even acknowledging.

Experiencing your child growing up and away from you can be really hard. The warm, affectionate relationship seems to just evaporate overnight. They still love you underneath, but their need for independence can seem to a parent like rejection, even contempt. That hurts.

Maybe your DH is grieving the loss of that relationship, and of the small child DS once was. He won't want to admit that it's grief (("after all, no one 's died!"), so the strong feelings come out in other ways. Including giving you and DS a hard time.

You may get better results with sympathy. Yes, he needs to know that slagging DS off is unacceptable... but he also needs to hear that his feelings of loss ARE acceptable. It's ok to be sad. That might help him deal with the change.

Yes this is what he is saying - that he’s just really sad about it all. And me saying ‘man up and get on with it’ isn’t helping. He said yesterday ‘you’d make a terrible therapist’

I think it’s because I’m a bit sad too - but I’ve spent a lot of time helping my self and trying to protect my mental health at this time. So I read all the books about teenagers, I talk to friends, I read on here. And he just isn’t doing anything to help himself. I did suggest yesterday that goes to talk to someone. I think hearing this is all normal from someone who isn’t me may help.

Also I just throw myself in to my hobbies, work, friends. I’ve suggested he does the same. He’s wrapping his happiness up in how much time he spends with his 15 year old son and that’s a recipe for disaster.

To be fair. When I am in a sympathetic mood things go better. On Saturday when DS want to play golf DH messaged me ‘DS1 doesn’t want to do anything with me and DS2’ . I was out with friends so sent back ‘oh that’s a shame, he’s a bit of a pain’. Then no escalation. I guess he just wants to feel heard.

But after a while I lose patience!

It is a bit like grief - you feel you’ve lost those little boys who want to spend every moment with you and even follow you to the loo. I guess everyone deals with it in different ways.

He is basically in denial- he thinks he’s such a cool Dad why wouldn’t they want to hang out with him.

But then he does say things like ‘he’s not turned out to be the son I thought I’d have’ and I think FFS that’s so dramatic and a bit harsh! He’s not that bad and he’ll be fine in a few years. This is not his permanent personality.

I guess he just wants to feel heard.

This is actually something I struggle with, more with kids than my DH. But sometimes people just want to verbalise their worries, just to be heard, they aren't actually asking for help. I'm a fixer and Istruggle, as I hear their distress and think I have to do something, I don't see the point in moaning and not trying to do anything about it.

Also I didn't mean to be overly negative about medication, I just wanted to counterbalance the MN narrative.
DS has taken medication in the past where the possible side effects have read like a horror story and he's been absolutely fine. We've also discussed his choices with him and he has always had a say.

Yes - that’s it. I don’t see the point in moaning and not attempting to help yourself.

I think DS is going to try the medication for one day in the holidays. I’ve said to him obviously it’s not something he needs to take every day and it wouldn’t be forever. I think we are doing a slowly slowly approach. But I know it can be so effective- especially to get him through GCSEs.

Dh does not get ds. Dh was all about girls/football/ getting pissed/ smoking weed etc. From about 13. He moved out at 16 because his dad was an arse. He doesn't see the parallels.

Ds is more like I was as an early teen, but it was more acceptable for a girl to stay in and not really mix, although unlike ds,I was desperate for proper friends. Ds is waiting on an autism dx and I strongly suspect add too. Dh has not been good at reading about any of this and my battle tends to be dh kicking off at ds for things that aren't always within his control. I think dd is the son dh thought he would get. His relationship with her is much easier.

I have also been trying to teach dh how to be a better dad to ds for years. He says he's too old to change, but doesn't like it when i All him hire he expects a young teenager to do things he can't.

It’s a real skill parenting teenagers. We have had to have a real readjustment especially Dh. He himself was a sporty academic join everything lead in school play type teen. Dd1 is like him. He has also fathered a super cool party girl. He’s done so well adapting himself though.

I don't blame you for losing patience. Your way of coping is completely different (and dare I say it possibly healthier). Your DH is stuck going round and round in the same self-defeating cycle.

At some level, he has realised that the loving relationship he had with Small Boy DS is gone. Why has it gone? Can't be DH's fault - he's no less lovable than he ever was (in his own mind). Gotta be someone's fault, though, so DS must be falling short. Or you.

Things between them might get better if he lets go of the stuff they used to do together, and establishes new patterns? It will also help him every time you say you feel the same, as you have been doing.

This popped up on my Instagram. It's so true

It’s helpful to know that a lot of the other Dads are going through something similar.

I think back to my childhood- was a complete Daddy’s girl when young. Bit of a nightmare at 15/16 - got my act together at around 18. It must have been hard for my Dad. But I’m sure he didn’t take it out on my Mum!

I love this!

I think dads struggle with non compliance more. You see it with male teachers too. Women tend to find ways around, rather than confront head in. It's all about how we're socially conditioned. Dh coped better when they were very little and could look after them, in the way that he's an amazing pet dad! It's the becoming a whole actual person that throws him.

Can't help with the behavior stuff, although I think your DS is doing fine.
But On medication, our eldest went through a phase at the same age of not wanting it either - this is after a few years of taking it. They then started again and have reached The point where at 18, if they don't have it they realize they aren't functioning at their best! It was absolutely life changing for them and they are so glad its available to them. So don't think the refusal is forever! But on the flip side, personal choice and no, it doesn't work for everyone so I can see that side too. You might need to try and few and titrate to get the right combo.

He sounds like a good lad and your DH is bitter that he's being left out.

I absolutely hate when busy teens with a full school schedule and a healthy social life (sport/friends/activities) are described as ‘lazy’ when they sleep on or chill in their room.

I say this as someone who sat on the sofa for days on end with the curtains closed in high summer watching endless Wimbledon, cricket and Olympics, which drove my busy working mother absolutely mental.

Yoir DH needs to figure out the overlap in the Venn diagram, whether that’s doing all the driving to and from sports, picking cinema outings with each or both boys, watching the Euros, allocating a payable job (tenner to mow the lawn), going to Decathlon together, or whatever. Moaning to you that they don’t do what he wants only creates tension in the house. HE needs to find the enabler.

This is helpful. I hope he can at least try it and then make a decision. It could have an impact on so many things. When they are struggling at school they lose confidence and become angry and this impacts other areas. I’m hopeful he will at least give it a go

I hate the lazy narrative too. He’s tired. He gets up at 6.45 every day and does so much sport. We knew teenagers have a different circadian rhythm- they do not like getting up early. Yet he does it every day.

First thing DH has said to me today after I got back from my run ‘have you seen DS1?’ I said ‘no he’s probably still asleep’ it’s bank holiday Monday!!

Have to disagree here.. My mother took scissors to my pretty home clothes, modest two piece swimsuit. I found my clothes shredded when I got home because they were pretty. Not revealing. I fled to my dad at work on my bike because I now had nothing to wear bar school uniform. I was 14 and in bits mentally. I was a shy teen not a flirt, the era Laura Ashley style.

I couldn't help growing boobs, starting periods. My mother loathed it saying, shame I wasn't beautiful like her because I was just boobs, body, not face. I look back at photos and I was pretty, slim , despite my orphan Annie clothes.

I wasn't allowed to aspire to university because that made me even uglier in a mans eyes. I really wish I'd said fu and gone.

We're talking about the 70's here.

@justasking111 your mother is insane.

Good thing you had your father to run to.

Shame about the university thing, I hope you’ve done alright for yourself.

The lazy thing gets on my nerves too op. Count your blessings on what a lovely lad he is.
Many other teens not into sports, struggling at school, chronic anxiety? For all my parenting fails I am thankful that ds2 is as easy as he is. You should too, nice job!

I had a flatmate whose father used to ring our flat at 8am every Saturday morning to ensure we didn’t lie in (we both had professional extremely long hour jobs). He came to a sticky end as he was a politician in a violent place. I wasn’t as sad as I should have been about that.

Op did your DH put the time in when your kids were small, did he go to the park every weekend? Did he enjoy the time together then they were small?

surely he realised the time was precious then?

he sounds like a massive knob and e very time he whinged I would just say ‘oh mate, fuck off, go clean the oven’

but I am a bitch.