DH not understanding teenagers

[Delatron]

So we have what I think is a pretty typical teenage boy. 15 and a half. Gets himself up and goes to school every day. Plays lots of sports. Struggles with school due to dyslexia and ADHD. So reports tend to be bad with some good subjects. Doesn’t really knuckle down and study.

Has a good group of friends. Doesn’t go out that often. Went out last night. Had a few beers.

According to DH (and he moans at me about this every bloody day). He is lazy, he doesn’t do anything, he’s been in bed all day with a hangover, he doesn’t want to spend time with us (go figure he’s a teenage boy).

He hasn’t been in bed all day - he’s been chilling in his room. He’s actually just gone out for a run.

Yes I’d love him to spend time with us and I miss how it was a few years ago but this is part of the process.

DH will not accept that. Every day he says ‘where did we go wrong, he’s so awful’ bringing the mood down in the house and pissing me off.

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

DH says I have a very low bar. I can’t stand him walking around like a bear with a sore head. He’s my problem not DS. I have spoken over and over again saying this is normal and he could be far worse! He won’t have it. I actually wish he wasn’t here. I think I’d bumble along just fine with my 2 DS. How do I tackle this?

My son recently said that when he went off to university he thought we were so old. I was 42. He's 44 next month and realises how that seems now.

A 15 year old thinks dad's a dinosaur.

I used to do the school run and the boys would chat to me about everything. I learnt very quickly not to repeat conversations to my husband because he got jealous.

It was because husband was critical and confrontational whereas I kept my counsel. I remembered being young and quietly defiant.

I’m sorry OP that your husband is being a bit of a mood hover. My son also has dyslexia and ADHD (he’s only 11 though) and I ‘get’ him much more than my husband does. I can very much see me ending up in a similar position to you in a few years time. Also want to add that I too had the odd pint of beer at 15/16 and was much more sensible than most of my peers at university when it came to alcohol and as an adult I rarely drink and am very much into health and fitness.

BTW your son sounds great for his age. I hope my son is still super keen on his sport when he is a teenager!

It would probably be helpful for your husband to open up to other dads of teenagers which will hopefully put things into perspective a bit.

Thank you. I do feel like I understand my DS a little more than DH. Especially when it comes to struggles at school with his dyslexia and ADHD. DH thinks he should just ‘work harder’. I come at it from a place of compassion because it’s hard being a 15 year old boy who struggles at school.

The sport really helps keep him on the straight an narrrow. Though for DH it’s never enough! He does rowing, hockey (at a good level) and rugby. He leaves for school for the bus at 7am and home at 6.45. He gets himself up and out of the door, has never missed his bus. He’s often at rowing regattas from 8am on Saturdays. Up at 6am on a Saturday after an exhausting week at school.

Yet we had one weekend of no sport and DH was like ‘well what on earth will he do this weekend, he’s so lazy’ No he’s a teenager and he’s absolutely exhausted and sometimes he needs a weekend of no sport.

For all those worried about his drink issues - drinking alcohol is not conducive to doing sport. Hence he only has the odd beer in school holidays if that.

He seems to think all his friends children are different. The Dads he is friendly with have girls so that relationship is a bit different and I think girls are a little more chatty.

It doesn't sound like you like him much OP and I don't blame you. He's bringing the mood down and giving you so much more to cope with. You have exactly the right approach with your son!

Yes! I have enough to deal with without another man child. No idea what to do about it though. Feel like disappearing off to get some space.

I get it. I've taught for 20 years. Dh was a teenager almost 40 years ago. One of us knows teenagers very well.

If my ds were to actually leave the house and meet friends or do a sport, I'd be overjoyed. I find dh very negative about the dc, so I have to remind him that our dc are fucking amazing compared to many, but generally, not so different from the majority.

He sounds fine, Dh needs to take care or else he'll just push ds away.

OP you sound like a brilliant mum and your DS sounds lovely. Really lovely, and overall doing well by the sounds of things. I agree you have a DH problem. I was coming on here to say that there are fewer and fewer excuses these days for grown men to act like children (read a book about parenting teens! Watch a youTube video on normal teen behaviour! See a therapist!!). Hopefully your DS will grow up to be a more mature parent, thanks to you. Good luck.

Thanks all for reassuring me that it is DH behaving like a whinging brag. I will keep on at him to educate himself more about teenagers. And keep reminding him to think of the long game.

It’s just so frustrating that his moods impact our whole day. I’m really losing patience with him and his ‘poor me my children don’t want to hang out with me’ routine.

Thank you!

Agree - there are so many resources these days. Even social media - I follow some really good psychiatrists who specialise in working with teenagers. Just little snippets of info remind you that this is all normal for teenagers.

I even highlight sections in books and give them to him to read.

Those boy teenagers if you put your foot down now with dad, grow into lovely men who will have a good relationship with their old man. One day they'll get on man to man as long as your husband learns to respect boundaries.

You'll still have to tell him to wind his neck in occasionally and mind his own business when he gets in a froth about things. Usually spending money or his choice of girlfriends, partner.

No, condoning drinking in 15 year olds is not “normal”.

I wouldn't let my son be in county lines.

I don't think most of us would🤣

Back in the 90s, when I was 15-16, that's how we spent our time, in the local park/ field drinking on a saturday night. Your son sounds like he's doing better than that!

Hmm. He’s not in county lines 😂.

How did we get from a couple of beers a few times a year to county lines.

I get the man's mood impacting the household. It's very frustrating. Yesterday, Dh was doing a job in the garden that didn't go his way. Obviously, he was a grumpy bugger, moaning, shouting, sighing, huffing all evening. It's so bloody boring. I'm on annual leave, I want to enjoy it!

I Reay think your husband needs to realise how lucky you are sounds like you've got a good son there. Of course, he's at the age where he wants to have his own life. Maybe you could agree as a family you all spend one day on a weekend doing something? Walk in the day, food and bowling in the evening.or something? My work colleague said you loose children for a bit, but they come back to you. Mine are 10&12, so I've got this to come.

Me too. And that is my point of reference. He’s so much better than I was at that age (and I turned out fine).

Yes I think the main issue is his moods ruins the whole day.

So yesterday we were supposed to all go out and watch footie. DS 1 didn’t want to - hence the strop from DH. I ended up watching the football at home with DS2 and we had a nice time. DH was all stroppy in the gym. I told him he was overreacting and cutting his nose off to spite his face. Could have still hung out with DS2 who is a little more amenable at 14!

My parents were ridiculously strict compared to other kids, but they still provided ciders for the odd party at 15 and didn't have a problem with me going to nightclubs 16. But then, they were a generation who left school at 15 and went to work with adults.

Never had a hangover as a teen though. Starting to drink occasionally at 15 has not turned me into a raging alcoholic either.

And this one of the big reasons why women love living alone, and men rush to shack up with someone else. Peace 😆

I’m starting the think living alone sounds quite blissful.

Someone else can have him 😂.