DH not understanding teenagers

[Delatron]

So we have what I think is a pretty typical teenage boy. 15 and a half. Gets himself up and goes to school every day. Plays lots of sports. Struggles with school due to dyslexia and ADHD. So reports tend to be bad with some good subjects. Doesn’t really knuckle down and study.

Has a good group of friends. Doesn’t go out that often. Went out last night. Had a few beers.

According to DH (and he moans at me about this every bloody day). He is lazy, he doesn’t do anything, he’s been in bed all day with a hangover, he doesn’t want to spend time with us (go figure he’s a teenage boy).

He hasn’t been in bed all day - he’s been chilling in his room. He’s actually just gone out for a run.

Yes I’d love him to spend time with us and I miss how it was a few years ago but this is part of the process.

DH will not accept that. Every day he says ‘where did we go wrong, he’s so awful’ bringing the mood down in the house and pissing me off.

My tactic throughout these years are - this will pass. He’s not that bad! I go out and see my own friends and choose my battles.

DH says I have a very low bar. I can’t stand him walking around like a bear with a sore head. He’s my problem not DS. I have spoken over and over again saying this is normal and he could be far worse! He won’t have it. I actually wish he wasn’t here. I think I’d bumble along just fine with my 2 DS. How do I tackle this?

I think him getting a job this summer will be the best thing all round.

Thank you 🙏

My thinking is why risk our children's health by allowing "a few beers" at 15. Alcohol just isn't taken seriously enough because 1. It's so widely available and socially accepted. 2. It's legal so not seen as a drug

What does DH do to engage with him
does he plan anything that he’d think he’d like to do
It is hard when they get to that age to find common ground
even if it’s something like going to weatherspoons for breakfast

Why isn't his ADHD treated?

He is refusing to take the medication.
Much to our annoyance. I think he’s going to try it next week in the school holidays - fingers crossed.

He’s struggling to find any common ground. Hence he suggested going to the driving range. DS said no. We also suggested all going out to watch the footie today. DS didn’t want to.

He doesn’t like to have meals out with us so can’t bribe him with that either.

With all due respect to everyone who parents differently. ‘Not allowing’ your teenager to have alcohol doesn’t stop them getting hold of it if they want to. They just won’t tell you. You won’t be the one they call to get a lift home from after a party if they’ve had a few because they’ll be too scared.

I’ve seen it round here. The parents who don’t ‘allow’ their teenagers to drink are the ones who unknowingly have the kids that drink the most

Having honest and open conversations about alcohol for me is the best way. A couple of beers in a home setting every 3/4 months isn’t a worry to me.

Something that jumps out from your posts OP is that your DH seems to trying to make this your problem, rather than his problem, or a shared problem.

There's nothing inherently wrong with him having different expectations for your son's behaviour. Personally I agree with you, that your son sounds well within the realms of normal, and your DH sounds overly negative, but there are no absolutes and your DH is entitled to his own opinion.

But what is he actually doing about it? Is he presenting any solutions? Just as an example, he could suggest a regular family movie night, and ask for your support in selling it to your boys. Or he could have an adult discussion with you that underage drinking isn't something he's comfortable with and that you need to work together as parents in agreeing a reasonable party line.

Instead he's just moaning and expecting you to fix it.

This is exactly it. I said the same to him today - what are you doing about this? Other than moan at me. It also feels like he’s blaming me. That I should be making him spend time with us. But I can’t.

ADHD doesn't need to always be treated with medication. Meds didn't work for me. It's personal choice also. Seen this comment repeated a few times. I don't think this is the main issue here. Seems to me like your husband is keen for you to sort it all out whilst he does nothing. Tbh I don't think it's bad at all. At 15 I was skipping school drinking in fields!

I started drinking at 13. Not excessive. Special occasions. I'm 34 now and fine!

Thanks. Yes it is a personal choice - I can’t force him to take medication. I think he’s scared of the side effects - especially with regards to lack of hunger (he does loads of exercise so needs to eat).

I think a lot of us were drinking in fields and parks at 15 back in the day! This argument is not going down well with him though. Or my argument that ‘at least he goes to school every day’. He says that’s a very low bar but school refusal is such a big thing these
days.

With that info I'd be coming down on his behaviour like a ton of bricks,as well as exploring why he doesn't want to take them.

What behaviour? Not wanting to hang out with his Dad all the time?

I feel uncomfortable making him take medication that he doesn’t want to. I’m hoping we have time and he will get on board eventually but it takes a careful approach. I know my own son. If we go on and on about it - he’ll be more determined not to take it. It has to be his decision. He’s agreed to try it in the holiday and see how he feels. He’s been talking to friends about it and trying to make his mind up. He’s a very considered person.

He probably knows his dad is calling him lazy and useless, how shit will that make him feel? I wouldn't want to hang out with someone who said that about me

Also like you said, it's age
I didn't hang out with my parents at 15, I was drinking MD 20/20 and smoking at some dodgy park I shouldn't have been in
By 20 I had come back to them a bit more

Has anyone age 15 wanted to hang out with their parents unless there's free food/shopping involved?

Also I would be having strong words to STFU moaning about him because he will pick up on it and if he wants a good relationship in future he's going to destroy it

This is what I’ve also said to him. Teenagers are perceptive- he’ll be picking up on the fact DH thinks he is useless and a disappointment.

I’ve said we all come back to our parents in the end. I think from 18 I was good again and had a strong relationship. None of this seems to be going in.

MD 20/20 😂. Me too!

Yep - I said my aim is to back off, choose my battles and preserve my
relationship with him. I wish DH would see it the same.

Your son sounds perfectly normal and in fact a pretty decent kid.

Your DH is a plonker and needs to get a fucking grip. On reality. God knows how you get through to him though, as sounds like you've tried a lot and he's still being a pathetic lump. Show him our replies?

I caught my 15 year old with the 2 crates of beer that the rugby team had purchased between them, which he had stowed under his bed. I wasn't happy and told him to get rid, or I'd confiscate it. I now know he just moved it elsewhere at home.

He's nearly 30 now and drinks only very rarely and has a very responsible and difficult job.

Thank you. This thread has been really helpful. I may show him this thread.

I’m at a loss but the whole thing is really affecting our relationship.

No way would I have been happy about mine having a few beers at 15

The dh is th problem . Get him out if he can't handle normal family life. Ugh I wouldn't stand for thus,,,,,

Your son sounds great! DH having tantrums cos no-one will play with him however...I would avoid him too!

The sleeping in a lot and much of it sounds very normal.

Where I am the drinking/hangovers at 15 isn't normal for most kids I know (three teenagers), but I knew groups where it was very normal where I grew up - that type of thing is social group/community specific.

I sympathise with the kid being disregarded as lazy by his father, I sympathise with you if your husband has been going on about this for a while without any action, and I do sympathise with your DH a little bit if he's strongly blaming himself for it, but he needs to find a way to come to terms as well as have a discussion to find a balance.

Today my 17 and 14 year old were really excited for me to go swimming with them - something they usually do themselves, no free food or shopping involved. That connection can mean a lot when it done in a balanced way that respects their thoughts on it.

To be honest he matured very quickly and went through puberty early. He’s over 6 foot tall. He definitely looks older than 15.

Yeah, my son was nearing 6ft around 13 - I more than once had other parents remark "but he's so tall" either to claim his height meant he was meant to be more mature or that he must be the aggressor in a conflict (very odd when parents whose kids attended a different school would approach me to say my kid was fighting theirs at school...)

It actually ended more of an issue when he was 15 and was sexually harassed by a woman near his school who also made the same remark. He was found by staff trying to hide as she'd been following him around. He was really scared and thankfully they handled it well, but hearing that and worse from her when she was stopped really had an effect.

Height or what they may look like or when they start puberty has nothing to do with their personality or emotional development, and just like we don't want to give the message the kid is lazy, I also think it's important that we don't send the message that developing physically sooner makes them any less the age they are.