Page 8 | What age do they get a bit more polite?

Flyhigher · 2024-04-03T19:08:08+00:00

My DD16 is getting a bit better. I think 13/14 was the crescendo of rudeness. It's still pretty bad. My boundaries have e been well and truly broken. I think it's 10/20% better. Some odd flashes of actual niceness. So how was it for you guys? Give me ages and %. And those of you with perfect polite girls please don't comment. I'm too jealous!

Bikesandbees · 09/04/2024 09:47

Talk to them about it. Being snappy and irritable is one thing, but this should come with an apology afterwards and shouldn't be the norm. I wouldn't ignore it. It makes them think it's okay to speak to you that way.

I also wouldn't fight with them about it or punish them. They're old enough to understand that you're a human being with feelings, and talking to them about how their rudeness makes you feel and how they wouldn't be happy if people spoke to them that way, should hopefully shift things. They might also have some things to say about how you speak to them, so be willing to listen.

But I don't think it'll magically get better. I used to speak quite rudely to my mom, because my dad did, and she just accepted it. I still slip back into it sometimes and have to catch myself and apologise. But I only got there through years of hard work and self-reflection, and there is no guarantee your kids will do that. It may never stop unless you put those boundaries back up and teach them how to speak to others with consideration and kindness.

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/04/2024 10:11

I think generally (perfect children and those that are 'awful' from birth to adulthood aside), they're hardest between 13-15/16.

They so desperately want to be independent but they don't have the capacity to be, and as far as they can tell, you're the reason why they can't be fully independent. They don't understand the safeguarding or financial implications for the most part. They will.

I pick my battles. I'm the mum and I'm the safe place to off load and not have airs and graces so I will 'tolerate' some sharpness depending on context, but it is usually followed by a calmer conversation and some reasoning around why she has spoken to me like that. There's often an apology, or apologetic behaviour.

Teenagers are hard, the hardest stage in my opinion. Keep going, you're nearly there.

BruFord · 09/04/2024 14:26

Bikesandbees · 09/04/2024 09:47

Talk to them about it. Being snappy and irritable is one thing, but this should come with an apology afterwards and shouldn't be the norm. I wouldn't ignore it. It makes them think it's okay to speak to you that way.

I also wouldn't fight with them about it or punish them. They're old enough to understand that you're a human being with feelings, and talking to them about how their rudeness makes you feel and how they wouldn't be happy if people spoke to them that way, should hopefully shift things. They might also have some things to say about how you speak to them, so be willing to listen.

But I don't think it'll magically get better. I used to speak quite rudely to my mom, because my dad did, and she just accepted it. I still slip back into it sometimes and have to catch myself and apologise. But I only got there through years of hard work and self-reflection, and there is no guarantee your kids will do that. It may never stop unless you put those boundaries back up and teach them how to speak to others with consideration and kindness.

I agree, @Bikesandbees, I won’t tolerate being spoken to rudely. I’ll put up with teens saying that they don’t want to talk sometimes, having a grumble/off-loading, etc., but not actual rudeness. DH and I emphasize speaking respectfully to other people, including your family.

Travelban · 09/04/2024 14:42

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/04/2024 10:11

I think generally (perfect children and those that are 'awful' from birth to adulthood aside), they're hardest between 13-15/16.

They so desperately want to be independent but they don't have the capacity to be, and as far as they can tell, you're the reason why they can't be fully independent. They don't understand the safeguarding or financial implications for the most part. They will.

I pick my battles. I'm the mum and I'm the safe place to off load and not have airs and graces so I will 'tolerate' some sharpness depending on context, but it is usually followed by a calmer conversation and some reasoning around why she has spoken to me like that. There's often an apology, or apologetic behaviour.

Teenagers are hard, the hardest stage in my opinion. Keep going, you're nearly there.

I totally agree. I also find they are more difficult after a full day of school as they had a lot to navigate and are often tired and frustrated.

As they get older they regulate their emotions better and have more settled friendships...

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2024 14:50

I don’t care if they are “tired and frustrated” that is no excuse to talk to your family like shit.

ObliviousCoalmine · 09/04/2024 15:01

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2024 14:50

I don’t care if they are “tired and frustrated” that is no excuse to talk to your family like shit.

That seems an unreasonable approach to a child who is learning to navigate everything and is full of hormones, at a bare minimum.

I highly doubt you are never snappy or grumpy to anyone. When you are (and you are, everyone is at some point), would you rather than person reacted reasonably and asked if you were alright and had a calm conversation with you about why you were short tempered and grumpy? Or would you prefer a "I don't care how you feel, it's no excuse to be snappy with me" and that be that? You get back what you put out there, fighting fire with fire doesn't work.

There's a time to be a hierarchical parent, and most of the time, when your kid is strung out and snappy, isn't it.

RefreshingCandour · 09/04/2024 15:11

People on this thread are never going to agree because so much nuance is lost online

As a bare minimum no one has explicitly defined what “rude” is and is not!

MrsB74 · 09/04/2024 16:28

fourelementary · 03/04/2024 22:59

I’ve got four children- two are adults and one mid-teen. I can honestly say they’ve not been rude or horrible during the teenage years at all. Selfish? Yes on occasion. Pushed boundaries? Yup. Made bad choices? Often. But we have always had respect between us- both ways… as we have done from the time they were born tbh. My kids know they can come to me about anything- drugs, pregnancy, sex, morning after pill, friends issues, relationships, debt, worries… you name it we have been there with bells on. But they know that I will always support them and they know that honesty is always best… even if not immediate.
Communication is key- this quote is so true
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

The number of people who aren’t there for their kids and don’t listen then suddenly expect to have a relationship when it suits them? Or who don’t allow their relationship to shape and change as their child grows (oh you always want to do this or you never like to do that) then wonder why their teenager doesn’t want to know them?

If you have a “horrible” teen ask them honestly - “What has happened to make You act like this?” And listen. Don’t defend or deny. Listen.

Completely agree with this. My two teens are not rude, but yes, they can be a little moody occasionally, especially if they are tired or have PMT. They do like to have the last word, but I wouldn’t call that rudeness as such - it’s never personal or nasty.

TheaBrandt · 09/04/2024 17:29

Quiet or testy / not being on top form is one thing rudeness / personal abuse of parents that I see my friends putting up with is quite another. Nope. Not accepting that. Not how Dh behave to each other or anyone else and sure as hell I would not have lived if I had been like that to my own parents.

Mummaoffour1234 · 09/04/2024 22:17

This is not a parenting fail - people assume because something worked for them it works for everyone and it’s just not true. Coming down on kids like a ton of bricks will only encourage them to keep things from you. I agree being rude is not acceptable. It’s a balance.

My eldest is 14 and I’ve been getting attitude for about a year now. I don’t think he even realises it, he’s tired and very grumpy after school. I do pick him up on it but usually not in the moment, I take some time later in the day to explain his tone / choice of words wasn’t appropriate. He generally either apologies or opens up a bit about the day he’s had.

Our kids have to see our bad moods too and rarely get any kind of apology!

BruFord · 10/04/2024 00:45

Mummaoffour1234 · 09/04/2024 22:17

This is not a parenting fail - people assume because something worked for them it works for everyone and it’s just not true. Coming down on kids like a ton of bricks will only encourage them to keep things from you. I agree being rude is not acceptable. It’s a balance.

My eldest is 14 and I’ve been getting attitude for about a year now. I don’t think he even realises it, he’s tired and very grumpy after school. I do pick him up on it but usually not in the moment, I take some time later in the day to explain his tone / choice of words wasn’t appropriate. He generally either apologies or opens up a bit about the day he’s had.

Our kids have to see our bad moods too and rarely get any kind of apology!

Generally I agree with you@Mummaoffour1234 , except for the final sentence: Our kids have to see our bad moods too and rarely get any kind of apology!

I think it’s important for parents to apologize when they’re grumpy or snappy. DH and I do and I think it shows our teens that yes, we’re all fallible, moody humans, but accepting responsibility for your behavior is important.

TheaBrandt · 10/04/2024 06:39

I don’t think I am advocating that we all have to be smiling robots of course people teens and adults get huffy / tired / moody especially teens.

However sadly I have seen parents meekly accepting their primary aged children then teens being unpleasantly consistently really rude to them and they just take it. It makes me sad as the parents are lovely adoring do anything for their kids people. Maybe I am a bitch but if my kids talked to me like that they sure woukd not like the response. So ..they don’t. And neither ever have. Maybe I am just “lucky” but sharing my view.

ColdWaterDipper · 11/04/2024 12:47

My eldest is only almost-a-teenager so I can’t really offer any wisdom (as I have none!), as he’s still polite and chatty, for now. I think boys are a bit easier through the teenage years in general, as they tend to be more sullen than outright rude. we have been very shocked at our 14 year old niece’s rudeness to both parents, both at home and out for meals etc. With her, it is a lot of the parents undermining each other and Dad in particular lets her get away with so many (quite risky) things that Mum has said no to already. But I do think girls have it harder with friends and peer pressure in some ways. We have all boys and their friends are lovely and just not bothered about fashion / fitting in / social media at all - they like what they like (sports mostly) and like who they like (based on similar interests, not how popular they are). Our boys are the same and are happy being friends with different year groups / ages through all their sports and at school.

Original poster

Flyhigher · 11/04/2024 22:03

@Phoenixfire1988
I'll get shot down for this but I wonder if private school kids defy less?

They have too much work to do and their friends live further away.

State schools have less resource and their discipline is more aggressive.

Or is it just schools with a poor reward culture?

Definitely I've seen a big change at 16 and nearing exams. She's actually human and pleasant at times.

OP posts:

Augustus40 · 12/04/2024 05:03

My ds is rarely rude now but he is 19 and working full-time so he feels on top of his life.

I do agree with some of the posters above the ages 13/14 are the most rude and unruly. Despite watching him like a hawk all his upbringing he was hard work then.