What age do they get a bit more polite?

[Flyhigher]

My DD16 is getting a bit better.
I think 13/14 was the crescendo of rudeness.
It's still pretty bad. My boundaries have e been well and truly broken. I think it's 10/20% better.
Some odd flashes of actual niceness.
So how was it for you guys?
Give me ages and %.

And those of you with perfect polite girls please don't comment. I'm too jealous!

My DD can be horrendously rude especially to me (not my husband) and her brother (11yrs). She will be 14 in 4months time. It usually coincides with her period so it is definitely fuelled by hormones. However that said, there is some terribly toxic behaviour at her school and it seems that the 'popular kids' are categorised as such because of their high levels of rudeness and bad behaviour towards others. I'm sure this 'culture' rubs off on her. I find it takes an hour or so after she gets back from school for her 'school persona' to drop and for her to become less hard / defensive / rude and ease into the person she is. So whilst I like to see myself as a parent who takes no crap or bad behaviour from my kids, I'm also acutely aware of the pressures of school and what kids these days have to put up with / adapt to. And so I tend to give her time to decompress and don't get too offended by anything that might be said around after school time. And I pick my battles. I like what a PP mentioned as a tactic, just saying 'Oh' and walking away so you don't engage but make the point that this is not going to be tolerated.

How are you defining rudeness? Posters can joke about "peak mumsnet" all they want, but some people just have very different expectations and boundaries. You wouldn't allow men to be abusive in the home so I don't know why we suddenly have to go cool girl on teens doing so.

The occasional slammed door in frustration, sure, but swearing at a parent, absolutely not. There was a poster the other day who posted about "teenage antics" and those said antics included shouting and calling her a cunt. That should never just be put down to "teenage behaviour".

Teens may well push the boundaries. But it's up to you to remind them how far they can go, and there are some very permissive parents here who kid themselves that the behaviour is normal rather than building appropriate boundaries. So laugh or boak ar me all you want, I'm not the one struggling.

Well as a mum of 4 I have never tolerated any rudeness or disrespect and neither was I rude to my own parents who also brought me up to be pleasant and well mannered.
If you allow your dc to treat you with disrespect then I guess that behaviour will continue all the time it's allowed.
I teach my children to respect themselves and that people only treat you how you allow them to and to treat others how they'd wish to be treated themselves.
How you teach your children to behave and more importantly how they see you behave is how they'll learn.

You are making a lot of assumptions in this post. I have always prioritised my relationship with my children. They can and do come to me, especially when the chips are down, to talk. I have always had clear and well- enforced boundaries. Manners have always been extremely important.
However, to answer your post OP my eldest has been so grumpy and rude over the past year .or so. It isn't because I 'let him get away with it', refuse to parent or don't challenge it. It has been exhausting and a bit heartbreaking as he has always been such a delight. He seems to be on the up again now. My younger tween daughter is now entering this phase I think though...
Contrary to what some on this thread think, hormones do have a lot to answer for! Brain development, a changing world and the ups and downs of life all contribute I think.
In terms of how we manage it...we are very active in evaluating our parenting and thinking through what is going on with our children. Humour can go a long way diffusing difficult situations but we are also consistent in the fundamental expectations of what we expect. Sometimes tactically not hearing things has been a helpful strategy.
To try and counter the harder aspects of parenting teens, we make sure we plan for fun and connecting family times together. Holidays, family meals and watching films together are all important. One to one activities that suit their preferences are also good relationship builders we find.
It's tough but not entirely unexpected in the teen years. Hang in there knowing it's not just you!

If you have a “horrible” teen ask them honestly - “What has happened to make You act like this?” And listen. Don’t defend or deny. Listen.@fourelementary

Do you think I didn’t try this a million times? 😂 If you only knew how many reassurances I offered, how many times I gently explained that I wanted to help if only he’d tell me what was wrong. Only to be met with “For God’s sake, will you leave me alone and stop interrogating me!!! There’s nothing wrong with me, I just want you to stop talking to me!” 🙈 He just hated me. I think Freud had a few theories on that score!

We laugh about it now. His last Mother’s Day card he wrote “Thank you for not murdering me when I was a teenager”. He admits there was nothing wrong and there’s nothing I could have done differently. He was just hormonal and irascible and we just had to ride it out. He’s the loveliest, most respectful and caring young man now and we’re really close.

To parents in the thick of it, don’t be shamed by parents who are lucky enough to have been blessed by less hormone-reactive teenagers. Don’t let them tell you it’s your fault for doing something wrong. It honestly is just the luck of the draw. Sometimes you have to wait for the storm to pass, but parenting books will reassure you far better than Mumsnet as to why it’s a perfectly normal developmental stage.

It's a myth all teens are rude. Mine weren't, had our fair share of challenges but not rudeness

I don’t think most people think that their children calling them a cunt is ok and normal teenage behaviour.

We swear a bit in this house but not in anger at each other, which isn’t ok. Here, for us. There’s nuance here which is hard to get online. I think we mostly all know where the line is and some of us have more challenging teens/situations than others.

I am not a fan of people telling me how to parent (“it’s up to you to remind them how far they can go”) and find that way more annoying than a stroppy teen.

Lol😆

I have "not tolerated" DS1's oppositional behaviour since it started at the age of about 18 months. I well remember the hitting phase that lasted for 2 years- time out every single time, "no we don't hit" endlessly....I remember pulling him up on the way he spoke to me and others endlessly since the age of about 5- "can you say that again but in a nicer way?" etc.etc. More recently in the tweens and early teens there have been pitched battles on a regular basis- his phone gets confiscated a lot. Until recently (and still now sometimes) there have regularly been massive oppositional sulks and rudeness- none of which I have ever "tolerated", there have always been consequences. His friends' parents will say "Wow, he's a feisty one isn't he?" 😬

But it's getting better (touch wood). Finally. When he's not in one of his moods he's a sensitive, funny, empathetic boy, and I do think my TWELVE FUCKING YEARS of "not tolerating" his behaviour has largely borne fruit. God it's been hard though. I'm autistic, DS2 is most likely autistic, and I strongly suspect an element of PDA or something in DS1, but don't think he'd meet diagnostic criteria.

He's 14.

Start off hard from when they learn to speak. Accept no rudeness or back chat from
your children. Then they don’t do it as teens as treating you like a human being the way they treat everyone else is the set pattern. Used to be sickened with how friends let their children talk to them. And now they have rude vile teens. No shit.

Oh yeah, and the "just sit them down and talk to them" advice that you see so often on here. Like DS1 has ever sat and listened to what I have to say without talking across me and storming out 😆

(usually leading to me losing my rag and confiscating his phone again etc etc)

So many smug people on here.

What’s a ‘plastic’?

👍

Yep to the smugsters. Also the MN thing of popular kids being evil. Yaaaaawn. 🥱

Challenging children make interesting adults. I don’t want boring kids, ta.

So it's OK for you to insult well behaved kids...?

No one would describe my kids as boring. They were/are polite teens though.

This thread is why parents feel judged sometimes (or some of the posts)
I shouldn't say just this thread.
Some posters make me laugh. Even the posts not outright saying it's the fault of the parenting, there's such a strong undercurrent and saying without saying.
If only it was as easy as people make out sometimes

If it’s ok to insult popular kids, why not boring ones?

How are you defining rudeness?

Me: ”Hello love, how was your day?”
DS: Unintelligible grunt <glare of contempt> Heavy sigh. Walks out of room

Me: “I bought you those trainers you wanted today”.
DS: Unintelligible grunt <glare of contempt> Heavy sigh.
Me: “I will take them back if you can’t be grateful and polite”
DS: Walks out of room

Rinse and repeat for years…

He didn’t swear at me. He was very good in school, wasn’t a gang member/drug taker. He was a good kid, but just really rude to me. Tbh he wasn’t a delight to anyone else in the house either (probably because they just kept out of his way), but I was definitely his main target.

It's a way of insulting the kids who are part of the crowd.

Mine aren’t boring. One is the most popular girl in town 😀. Dont let them speak to us like shit though and we never have.

Appreciate both NT.

Where did I say it was ok to insult anyone?

Where do I say that well behaved kids are boring? You extrapolated that.

Teenagers have always been rude. Keeping love and communication is key. I know families where the teenager was cast out - so sad

This is exactly how DD1 was on a good day, and how I’d reply. She would never have sworn at me or anything but having to challenge the rudeness every time and making her say please etc. like a toddler got so wearing. I know that she could be perfectly polite because she was from ages 2 to 11!

I have an 18 year old son and he's never been rude. People have commented on his good manners. We brought him up to be polite and respectful.

Exactly. It wears you down day after day. It’s exhausting and heartbreaking. You know they could be much worse but it doesn’t make it any easier.

It’s funny, because he was the same. He was a dream baby/toddler/child. He slept through the night from a few weeks old, never cried. He never even once had a tantrum as a toddler. He was really sunny and warm, an absolute ray of sunshine. I used to say I’d have 100 babies if they could all be like him. I’m glad now that I didn’t! 😂