What age do they get a bit more polite?

[Flyhigher]

My DD16 is getting a bit better.
I think 13/14 was the crescendo of rudeness.
It's still pretty bad. My boundaries have e been well and truly broken. I think it's 10/20% better.
Some odd flashes of actual niceness.
So how was it for you guys?
Give me ages and %.

And those of you with perfect polite girls please don't comment. I'm too jealous!

Some of the ‘I would not tolerate’ ‘you need to parent’ 🙄 think yourself lucky if you got though without rudeness- my eldest F21 has never been rude was the easiest baby toddler teenager- my youngest F18 is my payback for being too smug about my first - she is beyond rude, argues everything and is actually not a nice person at all! They’ve had identical- and for those saying don’t put up with it you really really have no idea what it’s like.

At 13-14 our daughter was horrendous! So much so at 14 when we confiscated her phone for sexting, she moved to her father who she had no contact with for a year, just came back within the last month and she is much nicer, you can have a conversation with her, prob 60% nicer.
Our 12 turning 13 year old son has suspected ADHD and my conversations are either greeted with grunts or he flat out ignores what we say. So much so my partner had a massive grump on yesterday because of his attitude. I get probably 5% niceness from him the rest is grunts or ignored or arguing, think they like to test boundaries at this age but his ADHD doesn’t help in any way shape or form. We’re awaiting an outcome from multiagency meeting to see how to go forward.
think my brother who was identical to him in many ways grew out of it about 22, I think probably because boys are slower to develop and girls are more mature in general?
Goodluck! Feels like hitting head against a wall most of the time? I bet you’re doing amazing!

Also no way in hell am I reading the comments as I feel like a shite parent anyway and MN has a tendency to make these feeling worse at times.

I have a lovely, polite and chill 19 yr old DS who was a demon from puberty (early, about 11!) until about 17.

My 16 yr old DD is pretty good as teenagers go, not rude as such but MY GOD she is self absorbed. The world revolves around her. It can be wearing.

I work with teens and it’s all par for the course. Hang in there, sister! 😆

Yes there's always those posters that want to show off their parenting medals and didn't put up with any bad behaviour at all.

People who say they didn't tolerate stuff probably never had to confront it in the first place.

Most antisocial teen behaviour is best ignored. They do come out of it. I speak from experience.

For us the storm of the adolescent brain peaked around 14 (they got their periods at 11) and they became much nicer by 15/16.

Mum of Ds here - he was an absolute sweetheart as a child but 15-16/17… sheesh.

back to amazing self. Boys ARE different, but rudeness should never be acceptable

I hear you. And I also think we are all human and have different levels of hurt and sadness.
For me I felt I could trust my daughter when we were in company from 16/17 though still challenging at home.
90% lovely from 18 but the 10% challenging (though it was lockdown so could have been worse in normal environment).
95% lovely from 19 but holding more secrets as now an adult that squeeze out in time.
My top tip is lots of cuddles to them. Being available for tricky chats. Pick your battles - what really matters?
Keep your focus on creating spirited and ambitious individuals - it’s going to be such a different world for them and they need resilience and self reliance.
Keep ensuring that they can think differently but are nice human beings and fun to hang around with.
Good luck!!

My DS started to become noticeably more polite at about 15, and now, at 17, he usually has beautiful manners at home. He's always had really good manners out and about - it's one thing I was very strict on, and we've had several positive comments over the past few years, which I've always passed on to him so that he can see that his politeness is noted and appreciated.

As a teacher I’d say year 8-9 (12-14 year olds) are the worst. Don’t seem to care or understand how they make others feel. Year 10 are getting there and the vast majority of Year 11 are fine.
By the time you get to Year 11 most poor behaviour is just refusing to do as asked but not really kicking off. Whereas the younger ones like to be a class clown. Probably related to the fact that the younger children find the class clown entertaining and the older ones find it irritating!

Those of you who don’t tolerate rudeness, you are lucky - that is all. Some children are milder than others and those are coincidentally who you were blessed with.

Ahh I’m right at the start of this ds 12 and dd 11. Always find it quite concerning when people say “my kids would never” why? What have you done to them, to make them think they can’t behave and show human emotions around you? Enjoy your robot kids, just know that they are hiding themselves from you.

Pleased the long night is almost over for you OP. You’ve obviously done a good job of riding the storm WITH her and she will love you all the more for it and for loving her through it too.

@Gem2345 I found it hard. Everyone says it. But it's true. Lots of self care. Other mums. Dogs. Spa. Walks. Concerts. Get away from them as much you can.

They do come back. She's slightly back. But she's different. Harder. Year 11 sorts them out.

I wonder if they are better at private school as they have more exams. So less able to just mess around.

She's always been very polite/ charming with others.
Just not always at home.

Thank you for replying with what most normal people’s experiences with teenagers are.

I have worked with teenagers for over 20 years, know lots of friends with teenagers and currently have one of my own. The posters saying that their teenagers have ‘never once been rude’ are either delusional or have maybe adopted a Victorian parenting style.

I would say, after years of working and training in relating to teenagers, for the most part it is entirely normal for them to push boundaries, act rudely and not communicate effectively.

Obviously some behaviour is unacceptable and should always be challenged. And most of the time, teenagers are absolutely delightful- which is why I choose to work with them. But I simply cannot get my head around MNers who are saying their child has never once been rude. I guess they’re the same ones whose toddlers never throw tantrums, whose children never argue and whose 4 year olds quite happily stroll around churches for hours without once moaning. Weirdly, I’ve never once met children like this in my life. Or mums who brag like this either. I can’t think why.

To the OP, I just came on here to say please don’t think you are in the minority. You really are not.

Yes! Robot kids- the ones we worry about most at school are the really quiet ones who don’t challenge anything.

My son was the most well behaved polite boy ever that couldn't do enough for anyone he started secondary and he's like a totally different child he's nearly 14 now and honestly I'm so over the attitude and defiance can't wait until I have my son back

From 12 to 16.5 my 2 eldest teens were a*holes. If I tried to speak to them then they ran away. Had police multiple times to look for them. If we turned the internet off my eldest would attack us. That was down to her abusive bf tho that had a visit from the police. Switch flicked at 16.5 and by 17 they were back to being lovely. My youngest is nearly 17 but I haven't had any problems with her as she says "I saw what the other 2 did to you so I'm not going to" I also home educated her so she didn't have the peer pressure of all the cliques in school to fit in. She has friends but they are in different age ranges and generally aren't nasty or rude themselves. But to be honest from 12 to 16.5 I wished them to be babies again as that was easier. Even with the 11 months between them.
Stay strong it gets better

My eldest was a lovely little boy until he hit 12 years old. From 12-17 he was AWFUL. There are no words for how he was and I think I actually have some ptsd from how he behaved. I didn’t “tolerate” any of his behaviour so every single day was a fight. I cried daily and felt like I was in an abusive relationship. But he didn’t care. He did what he wanted, when he wanted and nothing phased him. He’s 20 now and actually is actually really pleasant and we have a good relationship.
My middle child has his moments but overall he’s ok. He’s 14 now.
Myself on the other hand, I was an angel towards my mum who basically neglected me from childhood. I should have been the worst child ever if you really think parenting determines how you act as a teenager.
In reality it’s more down to personality/hormones/peers.

I’ve got 2 DD’s. First one is 22 and still rude, disrespectful and selfish. It stared at age 11. Second DD is 16 and has always be loving and giving and will warn us when it’s “that time” and that she might become a bit grumpy and apologises beforehand. They’re all different.

Having worked in a private school in my experience they were more robotic! Very well behaved in certain circumstances and absolutely abhorrent in others no in between.

Genuinely mine have never been rude. Neither was I as a teen nor Dh. I don’t think it’s a given that all teenagers necessarily are.

One does dress pretty outrageously though and parties hard which I know I get judged on by other perfect parents - so something will get always get you!

Mine also flatly refuse to play instruments or do the Duke of Edinburgh award.

Mine was like that. 11-16. I think she's getting over the worst now. 13-15 is hell. I have ptsd over it. Thank you.

Oh, I’d be insisting on better behavior from your 22-year-old, @Kittyloulou , that’s way out of order for a young adult.