What age do they get a bit more polite?

[Flyhigher]

My DD16 is getting a bit better.
I think 13/14 was the crescendo of rudeness.
It's still pretty bad. My boundaries have e been well and truly broken. I think it's 10/20% better.
Some odd flashes of actual niceness.
So how was it for you guys?
Give me ages and %.

And those of you with perfect polite girls please don't comment. I'm too jealous!

Absolute bollocks!!!!!

Also there is definitely something about the spectrum of obedient - obstructive as a personality trait.

Which explains how two children brought up in the same household with the same fabulous parenting (oh! I did boundaries from an early age dontcha know and am reaping the rewards now etc) can have one child that is permanently testing the boundaries - trying to be rude etc and one that is compliant, polite, unquestioning.

I have one of each, with the elder being the challenging one. I remember wrangling with him at baby groups and feeling like a failure as a mother surrounded by Stepford wives with their Perfect Penelopes who shared nicely and sat still. But then how I laughed a few years later when I had my own Perfect Penelope and they were wrangling their younger Horrid Henrys.

Mine are grown up now and guess what? The challenging one is challenging. He’s polite, respectful, sociable, bright and also unpredictable, questions and challenges, likes to find shortcuts. The more compliant one is quieter, polite, respectful, sociable, hardworking, accepts the status quo more and likes processes/rules.

I agree that rubbing other parents noses in it when they post that they are struggling is the absolute height of rudeness.
I also think that SOME parents of the teenage perfect peters will be VERY different out of range of their parents… I know a few teens who are ( according to their parents) the very model of polite and respectful to their mothers. The same kids, I happen to know, are vaping, drinking, bullying nasty pieces of work to their peers.
Whereas my kids, while very argumentative, somewhat eye rolly, and occasionally very rude(which I try and stamp on but yes it happens) are actually quite thoughtful and kind people to anyone who isn’t me or my partner! And we do talk about things, in fact they probably tell me more than I want to know..It’s just that sometimes emotions run high in this house, so voices can be raised, doors can be slammed (and that’s just me lol)
I do sometimes wonder if the parents priding themselves on having such a very tight rein on their kids really know their kids that well.
And some of the post on here are from people with 6 year olds, I just know they are!

I don’t think not swearing at your parents and not treating them rude contempt makes a teen a “perfect Peter” 🙄

I think it's down to the individual. You know, like how someone tells you how to look after your baby, because theirs is lovely, sleeps eight hours straight, never cries and yours is up all night bawling the place down? Same with teenagers.

I had five (all adults now). Two were polite, respectful and lovely (and continue to be), two were dreadful, sweary, disrespectful and wouldn't take 'no' for any kind of answer to any question. One is ND, and had her moments, but generally a sweetheart. All parented the same way, all very close in age, boys and girls.

My tolerances and requirements of them were the same (although I was probably worn to a frazzle by number 5, but she was lovely anyway). Yet some were shockers, and some were fine. Which is why I say it's character, not parenting, same as with babies.

My DS (15) has always been polite. My DD (12) is quite rude abd it’s got worse over the last year. I’m trying not to accept it but I don’t want to have constant negative interactions with her!

I suspect I'm being tarred as a 'smug' parent because I posted about how I don't have rude teens and agreed with some of the earlier posters who talked about their respect/tolerance/boundaries. I certainly wasn't trying to rub anyone's noses in anything - just disavowing that it is 'normal' to have rude teens. TBH, I think the unnecessarily aggressive responses making assumptions about our children, to those of us who have said we don't have rude teens, is quite telling.

Perhaps we have been very lucky - but they have certainly not been perfect - they have all had their moments. The youngest (now 14) is extremely challenging at times and has been since a toddler; however, he is not rude - which was the question. Of course hormones and stress over the years affected them but I don't believe that because they may be in a toxic friendship group who behave in a toxic manner, and they then manifest those toxic behaviours at home (as happened with DD for a bit), that you cannot challenge that behaviour in the home and try to work on why and how to stop it. I actually lost friendships with a couple of the other parents who couldn't see that their daughters' behaviours were not acceptable and were causing upset and harm to others, so I stopped socialising with them - and DD realised in time that the girls were not her friends (I spent a lot of time dipping into Queen Bees and Wannabees) over that time. Perhaps also, because I have three boys, who are all much taller than me and extremely physical, we have had to be very 'on it' in terms of what we will accept from them towards us, and their siblings.

I don't think you can judge based on how they act in company because it's often very different to how they act at home.

My friends were always impeccably polite to my parents, just as I was to theirs, but I know my behaviour at home was very different at times!

You genuinely don't see anything wrong with your response, do you?

As PP said, it's ironic that it's mostly the parents of "polite, well-mannered teens" who have displayed a stunning lack of empathy and kindness on this thread.

but no one said that?! There’s a lot of looking for a fight from the parents of well behaved kids. Don’t get it.

There is a wide spectrum.

What one parent calls challenging another calls rude

What one parent calls rude another thinks is normal

I think we are all agreed calling your parent a cunt is rude

But how do you define rude?

@fieldsofbutterflies I know quite a few the parents very well and of course, I know my friends very well.
We've always discussed issues with our dc. I don't think they're overly compliant either. Just normal healthy, active, hardworking kids.

The thing is, when you make comments like "we've always just discussed things with our kids", it implies that parents who struggle with their teens don't discuss things and just let their kids run riot. It's really frustrating to read.

Forums like this are supposed to support parents who are struggling, not put them down and tell them all their kids issues are their fault and they should have just taught them proper manners from the start.

Totally agree. It’s the supercilious, superior “I’m better at parenting than you” vibe that is so incredibly tone deaf.

@fieldsofbutterflies apologies that was meant to say we've always discussed things about our Dc. Meaning my friends and I.

It's not a walk in the park for us either but we've supported each other and got ideas.
Im not denying some kids are moody teens, I'm responding to those who think non moody teens are unusual.
Support is so important but lots of people are left to struggle on their own.

Yeah I don’t think acknowledging that teens can be rude equates to saying they swear at their parents or treat them with contempt. Contempt has definitely been attempted, sure, and shock and awe was the response. I’m actually pretty strict about respect for the mother of the house ( especially having been a lone parent of boys for years) but kids can act out and push every damn button at times.
Most people are doing their best and trying to tread that line between being a dictator and being their children’s put upon mate. And yes, my “ rude” may well be someone else’s “ challenging” or even just fine.

Great post 👏👏👏

For every parent on here that says they don't tolerate bad behaviour and taught their children how to behave they'll be many more who did the same and had tricky teens.

Can you outline the definitive parenting that ensures teenagers aren't rude?
Because my parenting style seems to have worked well for two of mine but not the third one.

My DD16 is super polite with friends parents and in company. But a bit rebellious at school and at home.

I do think the popular kids can be mean.
Then they soon lose their status.
It goes on rotation amongst the queen bees as they power struggle.
I say this as a mother of a popular kid.
She has been very acidic at times, not exactly mean but very close to it. They can be very vicious. Social media has changed a lot.
If mums here have older kids even just four years older it has changed a lot.

Now she's softening a bit.
Sees kids that were considered keeky are actually cool keeky.

But this is not what I actually wanted to know.

What I wanted to know is does this really end at 16? Is 17 and 18 better?

My DD is more aware of friendships now.

Yes op, in my limited experience of only two dc, there’s a huge positive difference between 16 and 18.

I think that is what makes it so challenging for them in fact. If we adults look back five years, our personalities haven’t changed that much. For adolescents, it’s nothing BUT change.

And in my experience, and that of many of my family and friends, there’s a further improvement once dc have lived away from home and looked after themselves at uni or college, or have a full or pt job. This inevitably leads to a greater appreciation of home comforts and the efforts made on their behalf.

Love this. That makes sense to me.
5-6 years of it. And worst is 2-3 years.
That's been my experience too.

Definitely a rude culture at school at 14. Which I think is now abating as they all grow up.

I wish I'd spoken to you 2 years ago.
This is exactly it. School persona needs to drop.
She practically told me as much.
I couldn't take it in.
So much to learn.

Yes, this is my experience with my DD (nearly 19) @Rememberthereasonswhy. She was fine last year, but is definitely more appreciative of her home life now that she’s at uni!