What age do they get a bit more polite?

[Flyhigher]

My DD16 is getting a bit better.
I think 13/14 was the crescendo of rudeness.
It's still pretty bad. My boundaries have e been well and truly broken. I think it's 10/20% better.
Some odd flashes of actual niceness.
So how was it for you guys?
Give me ages and %.

And those of you with perfect polite girls please don't comment. I'm too jealous!

Most teens are lively most of the time. There is not basis at all for claiming they are all rude

This thread is classic MN

Mine all had their moments (rude moments, gasp) from approx. 13-15. Now they are all past 17 (and eldest in twenties) they are generally a pleasure and great company.

I’ve got four children- two are adults and one mid-teen. I can honestly say they’ve not been rude or horrible during the teenage years at all. Selfish? Yes on occasion. Pushed boundaries? Yup. Made bad choices? Often. But we have always had respect between us- both ways… as we have done from the time they were born tbh. My kids know they can come to me about anything- drugs, pregnancy, sex, morning after pill, friends issues, relationships, debt, worries… you name it we have been there with bells on. But they know that I will always support them and they know that honesty is always best… even if not immediate.
Communication is key- this quote is so true
“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”

The number of people who aren’t there for their kids and don’t listen then suddenly expect to have a relationship when it suits them? Or who don’t allow their relationship to shape and change as their child grows (oh you always want to do this or you never like to do that) then wonder why their teenager doesn’t want to know them?

If you have a “horrible” teen ask them honestly - “What has happened to make You act like this?” And listen. Don’t defend or deny. Listen.

I found 13-15.5 the most challenging ages with DD-not rude exactly, but definitely pushing boundaries.

Suddenly at 15.5 her brain got into gear and realized that she needed to change her attitude if she wanted to go to university. Things improved rapidly and she’s great now at nearly 19. She says that leaving home makes her realize how nice her parents actually are.

DS (15.5) veers between monosyllabic grunts and being chatty. He's not rude per se, but seems to need longer to emerge from the Slough of Teenaged Despondency!

I agree with @fourelementary that you need to do a lot of listening, even when it’s a bit tedious and naval-gazing. 🤣

There is something to what you say.
But also teens are shaped by their friend group.
Girls can be toxic. As she has moved away from the worst offenders. She has become nicer.

Genuinely my 15yo dd is very rarely rude to me and is never rude to others. Neither is my 11yo ds. I’d be mortified. They’ve been taught manners.

Being an only child has nothing to do with it!

I'm an only. My parents made it very clear that rudeness would not be tolerated. Ever.

In fact at age 16, my mother kicked me out because she "didn't like my tone" when I asked "are we having any tea?" 😂(because I was due to start my part time job in 1 hour so wanted to know if I should make myself something to eat or if we were eating together). I've still not figured out just how bad my TONE could have been 🙄Zero tolerance from my parents at all times. It worked on me because I knew they meant it.

@Flyhigher many of our discussions were about toxic people and I guess one of the “benefits” of less popular teen girls for mine have been their ability to remain true to themselves and not become one of the “plastics”. Son was always part of a lovely group of music slightly geeky and possibly a bit alternative kids so again avoided the toxic twats.

I have raised pretty decent kids… who were also decent teens and are decent adults. Must be doing something right at least… though maybe the last one will be a toxic twat teen! 🤣

Seriously? Really really not the case.

This...! We have 4 and have done the same and had a similar experience, despite what the parenting naysayers say!

( And DD had to navigate horrendous toxicity at her all girls' school, and it didn't make her rude - just resilient, because we talked about self worth, how to decide where her boundaries lay and what values and qualities were important to her - both to see in her friends, and to have herself etc.)

At 16 it was noticeable when they got a Saturday job during sixth form and gained a wider perspective of life that no one outside of their family and school will put up with their rudeness

I've one of each, and I am so grateful that my 'never-rude-always-a-delight' teen is my DC2, as it's preventing me from smugging out about my parenting and making trite generalisations about 'not tolerating it'.

Both my DC have been parented the same way, with an emphasis on listening, responsiveness, warmth and mutual respect with a nice blend of solid boundaries and flexibility. Neither would have said boo to a goose until aged 13, something which I definitely took credit for and 100% attributed to aforementioned parenting style.

DC1 teen is ND and a combination of hormones and increasing pressures in school and in their social circle in the last few years has seen them 'bloom' into a full expression of across-the-board-'rude'-bordering-on-problematic when overwhelmed. It's incredibly challenging and despite employing a whole gamut of parenting strategies designed to support young people with social and communication differences, the struggle is real. 'Not tolerating it' isn't an option.

People can “boak” all they like. You get what you tolerate.

Nope, you don't 'get what you tolerate'.

I have one of each as well.

Dd was some different human about 6 or so months before she started her first period, I could not even look at her wrong without a reaction. That lasted maybe a year and she thankfully became herself again after that.

Ds I can't say he ever had a stage of being that rude. Although it is fairly known that boys are particularly difficult when they are 15 ish. Hormone changes and all that. But ds would have a bit a moment when he was particularly stressed / under pressure.

So I'll say during any rudeness bouts, there was usually an underlying issue.

They are both adults now and we don't have those scenarios anymore, luckily adults talk more freely.

Dd2 veers between being delightful and great company, to being withdrawn and sometimes downright unpleasant, usually around her period. She is 16.

Dd1 is 18. After being actually pretty great throughout her teen years she has for around the last 6 months been utterly vile. Rude, unhelpful, entitled, unpleasant , taking everything personally and bearing inaccurate grudges against people.
Where has it come from...hormones, exam pressure, shifts in her friendship group, tiredness from all of the above, worries about where she is going in life...all of those. But also the well renowned thing of exerting your independence as an adult even whilst you are still very dependent in lots of ways on your parents. But not being mature enough to do it in the right way.

You will find lots of threads on here if you look op, with kids doing just that. (and a few parents who hitherto thought their amazing parenting skills had got them through unscathed ).
My response to it currently is to ignore it until it's really intolerable at which point I have a quiet word with her, or more effectively actually I wattsapp her and give her time to think on about it without it being a huge row. And to cling on til September when she will either be at uni or going travelling as at this point that's most definitely what she needs to do for herself.

I used to use this exact saying on my dc as teens. Only thing was youngest (now 19) would say back to me if I was telling him off 'is that the best mum impression you can do?' With arms folded, trying to impersonate me and we'd both end up laughing.

Sorry OP I didn't answer your question! For me it was about 16. They were always polite, I.e please, thank you, excuse me etc it was more the sighing that got to me. Exdp used to call our youngest Kevin, for the way he'd sigh <sigh> 'yes mum, okayyyyyy I'll do it nowwww'

After they leave for Uni and start finding their own feet (and realise they should have listened when you told them how to use a washing machine/cook!) Actually the first Xmas they come home was usually hard for us both as I think they've got used to their own life and find it hard coming home to the old rules and old fogies 😂

Hang in there - they do come out the other side!

I hope around the same time they realise that they don’t know everything and that as an adult their parent might actually know more (maybe that never happens) but that sets my teeth on edge more than the rudeness which is more easily dealt with

It’s normal for them to be surly/rude. I won’t be spoken to a certain way and have boundaries but they are stretched during the teen years. I don’t let it get to me - it’s a normal part of growing up. Peak rude was probably 15-16 for DS and 17 for DD (now 🙄).

I have a very good friend who was perfectly perfect in everything growing up and always always polite to her (terrifying stultifying) parents. She has massive regrets and deep issues as an adult because of it.

It’s important to remember that what’s going on on the surface isn’t what’s going on underneath for teens in particular. It’s part of growing up - to test boundaries. I’d much rather they were comfortable to do that at home in a safe space.

Eldest was 11-17
Middle was 14-19

I'd say 5-6 years from when they start with the worst bit being around year 2-3 .

For those judgey mnetters. I had boundaries but I also picked my battles and it wasn't just the behaviour it was the distance they put between us.

I find rather it being rudeness it's more a manifestation of hormones/emotion/stress in that moment.

Just like it is with me if I'm rude with my closest family.

Teens have more hormones and emotions than me. I'm nearly 40 and I still get huffy and snappy.

I'll put my foot down at them when it crosses into being genuinely rude.

Then generally once calmed down we all apologise and realjse someone was being unreasonable.

I wish I’d known all I had to do to stop DD1 being rude was to ‘not tolerate it’ 😂

She was awful from about 12-15. At 16 there were occasional flashes of hope then from 17 she has become lovely again - obviously gets annoyed with things sometimes like anyone else but apologises without needing to be told etc.

DD2 is not rude at all but that’s because she is very depressed and doesn’t do much at all. I would give anything for her to answer back and slam doors like DD1 used to tbh.

Mine were always polite (2 now adult DSs and a late teen DD). I have no idea why! I don't think it was a case of not tolerating it as I was certainly not a strict parent by any means. Maybe I let some of it slide as normal human to human reaction and so it never built up, maybe I managed to teach them good manners somewhere along the way.

Definitely not superior parenting. Most likely just luck.