What’s so awful about teens?

[Explaintomee]

On another thread an OP is warned about the awfulness of teenagers and how stressful they are.

Now I see this a lot on here and I don’t, 100% do not, want this to be taken as goady or provocative - what’s so awful about them? I’m in the preschool stage which is exhausting with potty training, constant need for entertainment, broken nights (one is a baby) early wake ups, toys everywhere.

By comparison teens seem self sufficient. Easy even.

So go on - what makes them worse than little ones?

It’s the vile offspring of others that cause the most issues in our house. Thankfully both teens now have lovely friends but this was a “journey” with one of ours.

I'm really quite shouty. We're a loud family but my 3 teens are fabulous (all their teachers say so as well) and we get on well and like spending time together. DD1 said to me at the weekend 'I'm so glad we get on because friend A hates her parents and friend B has really strict parents but you're OK'. 😁

I may be weird though because I don't worry about them much at all. I'm the same at work, I have what is considered to be a stressful job but I never get stressed about it.

Things that I did find stressful:
Having a premature baby
Having a parent dying of cancer

Babies and toddlers physically exhausting
Teens more mental stress.

Teens can be physically exhausting too though. I am driving them to & from sports every day, sometimes multiple locations, till quite late, after a day in work. It's exhausting. When small, at least by 8, they were all in bed & I could actually watch TV, something I never do now.

And it's always late at night when they want to open up or chat!

Yep! Dh has just set off with ds to go to football training, they will get home at 10pm!

@EarringsandLipstick I think most would agree with me.
It's exhausting doing night feeds, surviving on little sleep, carrying a baby and toddler in arms constantly, managing all the baby equipment, constantly getting up stopping them doing something, constantly on watch when out and about

I don't find driving them around anything like that

Like most things it depends on one's experience & personal circumstances (as I've already said).

For sure, I had elements of what you describe with my DC, but I was lucky - they slept comparatively well & I coped with lack of sleep. And for me, they went ti bed at 7 or 8 & regardless of the busy-ness of the day, I could relax or have time to myself.

Now as a single parent to 3 v active DC, and a very busy f/t job, I'm definitely more physically tired. I'm up at 5 am, work all day, do multiple trips / pick ups while squeezing in dinners, household jobs so on. I've almost no downtime.

They go to bed later so when I'm collapsing into bed, I'm still chivving them into showers, getting lunches, going to bed.

So yeah for me absolutely more exhausting.

@EarringsandLipstick that definitely sounds more tiring in your case, hope you have some time for you too!

Thanks @tryingtohelp82 I don't really - work is 'my' time (sad, I know) and the 5 am starts are to exercise, also 'my' time. However, I know I'm lucky they are interested in their sports & that I can facilitate that. It does feel a bit too busy (for them as much as me) at times, but I haven't found a solution to it yet!

I utterly sympathise with mothers who have colicky babies or relentless nights of no sleep - that must be hell. I've seen it in my immediate family / friend group & how it reduces women to shadows of themselves.

Little kids are exhausting physically but generally when they were bed I could stop worrying. And they loved me! And I felt needed. I didn't find that stage easy thought.

Teenagers have brought - Bullying, girlfriends, sex, drugs, self harm, lying, moodiness, rejection and not doing school work. And funny jokes, memories, personality and special moments, sharing stories.

But I never stop worrying. I was a more natural mum of little kids. I'm a nervous wreck these days

Easier in that it's no longer full on physical parenting and you get back a lot of your own independence and freedom.

Harder because any problems are much bigger, and harder or impossible to solve, so there's more anxiety and frustration as a parent if things start to go badly.

I like seeing them grow up though and never wished to be back at a previous stage. Just remember to focus on relationship over behaviour.

I think every age can be challenging. My mum always said every age can be challenging its just different challenges.

I've loved having teenagers, but it's way more stressful than toddlers! There's just so much going on, it seems as if they're constantly hitting milestones, facing new challenges etc. My dd is 19, she's just split up with her first boyfriend so that's hard, she's struggling to manage her uni work and there's nothing I can do about that, she bought her first car a few months back, and we've had numerous calls when she's broken down in it or a warning light's come on and we've had to deal with it from a distance! On the plus side, she's got a part time caring job which she's loving and she's had fantastic feedback from her clients. And she's got loads of lovely friends.

Ds is 17 and has ADHD and is an impulsive, disorganised risk taker! He's totally behind with his A Levels and seems to have no clue what he's meant to be studying, where the 2 Business textbooks he's been given are etc, and somehow we need to get him to a place where he can sit the exams successfully in two months time! But on the plus side, one of his teachers last night said how lovely he is and how he stayed behind after one lesson to thank her as it was so interesting! He passed his driving test, but inexplicably decided to buy a motorbike as it's more fun. Two accidents in the first week, which could have been serious - very stressful and worrying to watch.

And there's just all the stress of watching them deal with adult life and trying to support. Even little things - yesterday ds rang to say the bank had taken back the £91 they'd reimbursed him for a fraudulent transaction, because he hadn't answered their emails. He has no money in the bank due to aforementioned motorbike purchase, so I had to send him the £91 and coach him on how to reply to the bank's emails and how to send an email that isn't too large! Hopefully he will get the money back again and start to learn that you need to check emails and keep on top of admin.

I love spending time with my teens as they're interesting and interested in the world, and they are so passionate about things. Their friends are great. It's just that the worry and the challenges seem to intensify at this stage!

Yes and your power to fix the problems or even help much decreases..

With toddlers there is a lot of physical parenting. Attending parties / soft play and playgroups / supervising their play at home etc. It's time consuming work.

Teens are a mental parenting thing. It's constant worry about if they are happy / are they safe. They often have a bit of a selfish regression and so can only think of themselves. They have a lot of pressure on them from school and peers which can often be frustrating for them, mixed with hormones can have explosive outcomes. You can't physically make them do anything. In their quest to be liked they can often find themselves vulnerable, but at the same time they are secretive, so you need to try and install a 6th sense of knowing when something is up.

I'm grateful for my two, my eldest is wonderful and no trouble at all (yet). My youngest struggles a bit more with emotions which usually come out as sadness rather than anger (not sure which is worse) but thankfully not very often.

To be fair both toddler and teen parties both trash your house so they have that in common!

Got hilarious flashbacks after a teen party the dads turning up to retrieve their offspring and them not wanting to go home and party attendees having lost their shoe etc

Differently challenging. I'm in bed reading MN and drinking tea rather than up watching Peppa Pig and scooping up cheerios. But later, I will be dealing with the fallout of a broken heart (one has split up with her first boyfriend who has been saying vile things about her at school) and trying to persuade another to agree to an unpleasant and painful medical treatment without guaranteed success. He's old enough to withdraw consent and says he's going to, so we need to navigate that. There won't be (probably) any tantrums but there will be tears and while I won't spend the morning at a soft play centre, I won't be asleep until gone midnight as they are both going out and will need to find their way home after a party and a gig.

I see close up good friends who are struggling with real challenges with their teenagers - eating disorders, self-harm, crime, school refusal, pregnancy, mental health. As many posters have said, the stakes are so much higher than when they are small and they are so much harder to keep safe. And they make their own choices to some extent and are much more vulnerable to outside forces than toddlers - it's really out of your control. You can put the time in and do your very best but it's not really in your control once they start to navigate the world without you. Mine have largely been delightful but that's luck rather than design.

Ha ha good point 😂

Toddlers can be physically exhausting but teenagers are mentally exhausting and have less love to give you whereas toddlers can give hugs and cuddles - teenagers don’t even want to talk to you 😢

Depends on the teens - mine are very affectionate, and unlike when they were tiny and I was feeling all touched out, I really enjoy the snuggles!

I had mid/older teens at the same time my niece had babies and toddlers. She seemed to be constantly complaining about being woken up early. I sooo wanted to tell her that at least she knew where her DC were at 4am when they woke her up. Waking up at 4am and realising your teen hasn't come home is horrible. Constantly having to stay one step a head in conversations is draining, especially when they are brighter and more articulate than you. Teaching a 17yo to drive is far, far more stressful than teaching a 5yo to ride a bike. Navigating university choices is more difficult than choosing a primary school. I could go on, but I knew if those weird people who absolutely loves babies and toddlers, and would rather be woken up by a toddler poking me in the eye than by a hoard of teenagers deciding they will sleep over at my house and scream and run up and down the stairs just because they are, well, teenagers.

DS is 20 this year so we are in the twilight stage of teens.

I think for his age group we were both lucky and unlucky, the peak teenage years are 14-17 and DS was in lockdown or restricted living for most of that time. So they were 17-18 before they were able to venture out to pubs and nightclubs. DS launched his social life, post pandemic at, Boardmasters.
So our experience of teen years was not typical and the mental health problems were very real and amplified.
DS has been a relatively easy teen. We had a worrying few months when he spiralled down after the GCSEs were cancelled.
There are definite signs that the teenage years are over, he took some pj bottoms out of the dryer and emptied the rest of the dry clothes into a washing basket and took them upstairs and he now picks up stuff left on the bottom stair ( ready to take upstairs) and takes them upstairs. He also changes his sheets every week, happily cooks for himself and pops out for milk and other essentials when we are running low, all without me asking.
I know to some people this may seem trivial but teenage brains are so disorganised. They are so easily distracted and their ability to think in a straight line is impaired.
I have loved the teenage years, particularly the later years, once boys get through the awkward stage they are great fun. And in a group can be very entertaining with their constant banter. DS’s friends do stand up comedy routines for my Ring doorbell when they crash at our home after nights out.
So yes, I have enjoyed the teens as much if not more than the toddler years. It’s hard work because they can negotiate very effectively and like the transition from toddler to child you have to let them grow.

Fully agree with the 4am panic. I wake up automatically at 4am when DS is out. DS was spiked 12 months ago and we ended up having to take him to A&E because he badly cut himself. Anything could have happened to him, we think that someone managed to put him in a taxi and he arrived home almost in one piece.

As for driving I just try my best not to worry. But then I was doing the same at his age so my parents must have gone through the same.