What’s so awful about teens?

[Explaintomee]

On another thread an OP is warned about the awfulness of teenagers and how stressful they are.

Now I see this a lot on here and I don’t, 100% do not, want this to be taken as goady or provocative - what’s so awful about them? I’m in the preschool stage which is exhausting with potty training, constant need for entertainment, broken nights (one is a baby) early wake ups, toys everywhere.

By comparison teens seem self sufficient. Easy even.

So go on - what makes them worse than little ones?

I have two lovely teen DDs. Definitely not as exhausting as the toddler years but teens do bring their own challenges and stresses. Friendship issues, how much independence to give them, worrying about them when they’re out on their own or at home alone, periods, do you let have social media, screen time! As you loosen your control/influence over them it’s lovely to see them developing into young adults but it’s hard to let go!

Well, I think I am right at the far end of the teenage behaviour spectrum as I recently spent 21 hours in a police cell after being arrested on a false allegation of assaulting my DD1(16). She was angry at me for catching her out accessing some dark web stuff so thought she’d get her retaliation in first by - unknown to me - phoning the police. My DD1 is aggressive, verbally abusive, engages in child-on-parent violence, steals every penny she can lay her hands on, lies about everything and her self-care and hygiene is non-existent. We/she are well known to the police as they have to visit often. She is adopted and has multiple prenatal-related complexities and disabilities. As you can imagine, she is extremely hard to parent.

From my own experience it's completely pot luck.
I know some very good parents that have really struggled with the teenage years.
It depends a lot on the temperament of the teenager some are a lot more compliant than others. If you have one that is completely fearless and assertive your going to be challenged in many ways. I have two, eldest was a breeze, youngest is a different kettle of fish. I' m sure he will do well in later life, getting him A to B has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had to completely change how l parent him compared to the eldest as my original way of parenting did not work for the youngest. It's been a massive learning curve, and l can't even remember the toddler years now, so much has happened since.

I love the teenage stage and to see them grow into young adults but it's completely different to parenting toddlers (obviously). When my kids were toddlers I slept well all night (apart from the odd wake-up), safe in the knowledge that they were also asleep under the same roof. Now, several times per week, I'm awake worrying about my teenage DC (19, 20) as they are out, hoping they will get home OK, are not too drunk, if they are driving, that they drive safely etc etc. Then you have friendship upsets, breakups, driving, first jobs etc to deal with. I'm a fixer and having to stand on the side-line watching my children make stupid mistakes without being able to fix or course-correct is super stressful for me. I rarely have a good night's sleep and it's pretty much always relating to DD in particular. They are great kids and we have a brilliant relationship so I know I'm lucky but even so, I'm not able to stop worrying.

I adore my teen and think she's awesome 🤩 Some people have awful teens, but I've been really lucky. She's fabulous and great company. We have loads of fun together and I am super proud of her. She is EXPENSIVE to keep though 😂

I have a 15yo, 5.5yo and 2.5yo.

The little ones are more exhausting, physically and draining. But they go to bed at 7 (ish ) and you get the evening to recharge, and it's all small problems - you have to persuade them to do things like eat, wash their hands, get dressed and provide a lot of direction and supervise them all the time.

I am lucky with my 15yo in that he's vv chilled out and my biggest worry with him is whether I ought to be pushing him a bit more - it's a non issue really because he's not failing or anything, just not excelling at anything either. A big sufferer from horizontalitis as my mum used to call it he is definitely my least stressful child at the moment.

But I have seen friends/family go through absolute hell in the teen years really struggling with massive issues that you get legitimately scared will affect their entire life.

As much as potty training is unpleasant and stressful, nobody really thinks that the success (or not) of potty training is going to lead to a life of delinquency, unemployment, massive health consequences or death. Whatever happens you know on some level they are going to grow out of it. Whereas there are worries in the teen years which can have these things as not-actually-unlikely outcomes, which is terrifying, and it can feel like a tightrope balancing act wanting to say or do the right, supportive, helpful-direction-nudging thing without accidentally barging them right into the direction you're hoping to avoid. They can be quite emotionally volatile, which combined with their independence and not-quite-maturity is a bit of a fireworks combination.

Toddlers are volatile too but it doesn't matter because they don't have any power. You can literally lock danger away behind a baby gate or pick them up and take them away from it. You can't do that with teenagers.

Teens and toddlers are both my favourites though. There must be something wrong with me!

That sounds really tough. Hope things start to improve for you both before too long 💐

It is a stupid generalisation.

Unfortunately, in the UK, people don’t mix with other generations nearly enough, especially teens who are left to their own devices. This makes people almost see them as a different species.

I taught secondary for ten years and have had some lovely considerate students, as well as some tougher ones. They are just like everyone else, except with stronger moods and lots of energy, which can be really good, or difficult if not channelled correctly.

Teenagers need to be brought up to be respectful of adults, with meaningful boundaries, and also socialised with and talked to.

It is not rocket science, but you really shouldn’t fear the teenage stage.

I have an 18 year old and as lucky as I am that I have not had to deal with half the crap I put my own mum through when I was a teen, the hardest parts for me is the worry of him being out driving/being the passenger in other teens cars & the sleepless nights when he is out at the pubs etc, when he's away at festivals for the weekend/ abroad on holiday! He was out until 2.30 am this morning and I was wide awake knowing I had to get up for work at 6 at least when he was keeping me awake as a baby I knew he was safe.

It's not as physically exhausting as little ones. But mentally can be very hard work. Mine are fairly easy by all accounts, eldest is now 20. I still spend a lot of time worrying about him though. DD is 12 and not an official teen yet, and I do worry about how hard work she will be.

The only thing that makes me feel relieved about my DD1 and her future (putting me in a police cell etc) is that she will never be able to get behind the wheel of a car as she is registered blind!

I have older teens, one of whom is mostly delightful. The other causes me no end of worry since they were 16/17.

I have less sleep now than I did when they were toddlers. They stay up all night and sleep all day. They start mixing with friends you don’t know, lots of teens dabble in drink and drugs. There is stress about friends, exams. They go to house parties and you stay up all night praying they don’t get too drunk and make it home safely. And there is no worry like when they start driving and go off out by themselves.

No doubt toddlers and babies are exhausting, but teens are infinitely more stressful and you can’t help them and fix their problems like you can when they’re young.

It’s still exhausting (in my opinion) just a different kind of exhaustion! Stress is tiring and there are lots of things to stress about with a teen. You might be up in the night with a toddler, lots of us are awake at 2am worrying about our teenager.

To be honest I loved the toddler years and didn’t find them particularly hard. Horses for courses I guess!

I have teens and bar the odd strop they have, so far, been infinitely easier than toddlers in my experience but I've not completed the teenage phase with either yet, so who knows.

DD is suffering a lot of anxiety leading up to A levels uni and I'm mindful that it could escalate.

There is nothing you can hear, as a mum of toddlers / babies, that will explain, truly, what parenting teens is like. In the same way you can't really imagine what it's like having a baby, until you're in the situation.

You say you aren't being provocative, but I think you know you are, at least a little.

It's completely individual, as so much about having children is.

For some people, teenagers are much more tiring than small DC; me, for example.

I have 3 DC, now 16,14,12, and I've been a single f/t working parent since the youngest was a baby. Limited support. I found the baby & toddler years fine, averagely tiring but my DC were decent sleepers, and I am someone who doesn't need loads of sleep.

In my 40s, my body clock has shifted - I get up at 515 to exercise, I am ready for bed at 830 but my DC are very very busy with sports & activities so I am on the road every night, then it is hassling them to eat / shower / get ready. I am shattered.

My DC are broadly good kids but still; there is always something, an emotional upset, row, friendship issue, something at school. They fight, they are grumpy, they've days where they're rude. It's utterly draining.

It's still a lovely stage, as all are - seeing them begin to grow into their adult selves, they are funny & vulnerable.

I wouldn't say it's harder than having toddlers, or more tiring, for everyone. I would say for me, financially, practically, physically and emotionally, in the circumstances I'm in as a single parent, it's utterly exhausting & much harder than when they were small.

They are easier in some ways than babies and toddlers.

One huge issue is mental health...I'm not talking catastrophic problems necessarily...but they're often anxious, grumpy, miserable. You're constantly wondering what sort of mood they'll be in.

Both ages are hard for different reasons IMO.

Todders are physically exhausting - you have to have eyes in the back of your head, lots of patience and a massive amount of energy for running around after them.

Teenagers are emotionally stressful - there is much more worry (a toddler is not going to change the course of his life if he chooses to experiment with playdoh, a teenager might change the course of his life experimenting with illegal substances)

Both ages are brilliant and horrific for numerous reasons. I have found that wine helps.

Physically way easier. Emotionally - way way way more fraught. Your 2 year old may not sleep, but you don't need to worry about drugs, alcohol, sex, getting pregnant, being stabbed, sending nudes, school refusing, being physically intimidating, getting into potentially life changing situations because they think they're invincible.

Agree that parenting teens is mentally rather than physically exhausting. The worry just never ends. I got to a point a few years ago (lockdown, so no escape from it) where I wasn't sure how on earth I was going to make it to the next day. At that point they were 16 and 14, one with autism and many co-morbidities, the other taking lockdown very badly and developing an eating disorder. It was hell. Things are mostly much better now though.

(And I post as somebody who really enjoys the company of teens and finds them generally delightful.)

My kids (16 and 18) are lovely, sensible and kind individuals. But as a mother, it’s the constant worry about who they may hang out with, the influence these other people may have on them and the stupid decisions they may make along the way.

For example, my (usually) very sensible ds18 got in a car the other week with a lad he knew. This lad comes from a certain well-known local family (I will say no more). Ds and 2 of his (again, usually) sensible friends jumped into this lads car. The lad then drove like a maniac (ds says at one pint 110 mph). He ended up crashing the car into a traffic light. Luckily he had slowed right down as he approached the traffic lights so it wasn’t the horrendous situation it could have been and everyone was ok but it’s shaken ds up quite a bit and has also added to the reason I no longer sleep well at night.

I still cannot believe ds got into this car especially as it turns out the lad has no license and hasn’t even passed his test.

I absolutely loved when my dc were toddlers. Yes they may have had tantrums, picked up every bug going and we had many sleepless nights but I knew exactly where they were every night (tucked up with their teddy bears).

When your 14 yo starts slashing into her arms with a pencil sharpener blade, binding her breasts and declaring she's a boy inside, looks forward to growing a beard as soon as she can go on hormones, at 15 tries to drown herself, at 16 takes an overdose, when 3 years later you still have to have all knives and medications locked away, when she (now identifying as female again) has no qualifications because she was too depressed to study, has no friends and never goes out, it's exhausting believe me.

Parenting teens, for me, is also physically more tiring than when they are smaller. Not just emotionally.

That's due in large part to being a single parent whose DC do a lot of sports to quite a high level, especially my DSs. My entire weekend is structured around matches.

When they were toddlers they napped, and went to bed at 730 & did zero activities!

It isn’t provocative to ask a question but I have to say that’s the second thread I’ve seen you be provocative on. It was going nicely and I was enjoying the answers and now I don’t feel I can continue to contribute as everyone’s going to think I’m a goady arse!

@WhompingWillows im sorry to hear of your troubles