What’s so awful about teens?

[Explaintomee]

On another thread an OP is warned about the awfulness of teenagers and how stressful they are.

Now I see this a lot on here and I don’t, 100% do not, want this to be taken as goady or provocative - what’s so awful about them? I’m in the preschool stage which is exhausting with potty training, constant need for entertainment, broken nights (one is a baby) early wake ups, toys everywhere.

By comparison teens seem self sufficient. Easy even.

So go on - what makes them worse than little ones?

I adore teens. Much more so than babies! But then I didn’t like having all the control when they were younger, I prefer a conversation and discussion etc.

Ive been very lucky. My teens (well one is 20 now) have/had fantastic peer groups and friendships. The real problems can come when they don’t.

@TrentCrimmIsHot

I'm sorry. 😔 that is so hard.

I really hope things improve for your DD

I adore teenagers, by far my favourite stage of parenting. However, harder than any other. Not physically tiring and mundane like young children are, but emotionally exhausting.

If your toddler is doing something dangerous, you can just pick them up and move them if needed. If a toddler is refusing to get in the car or leave the house to go to nursery, you can just pick them up and with a bit of wrestling, off you go. For the most part the parent is in control of what happens, who with and when almost all the time. Not so with a 'child' who is potentially bigger than you with their own mind and ideas about what they do and don't want to be doing. You need to have whole new ways of dealing with situations that are far more complex.

This! Mine is 18, polite and thoughtful and lovely...but the worry I have when he's out driving on rural roads late at night is indescribable. He's a good driver, never has any alcohol if he's going to driving, has a black box on his car etc, but I still lose plenty of sleep until he's safely home.

So - different worries from the toddler years!

Really? Do tell. 😐

Saying 'I can't see how it can be more tiring than having toddlers' is quite provocative.

I gave a balanced answer as I can understand how it might be either more or less tiring for an individual to have toddlers or teens, depending on toddlers / teens / parents. It's a bit silly to say you can't continue the thread because one person suggested you were being a little provocative.

Hopefully the responses helped clear up your confusion anyway.

I think you really want an argument.

The posts are very interesting so will continue to read them. I wonder if it depends on personality. I can quite see it’s worrying when a child (of any age) is driving or a passenger but statistically the chances of them being fine are still very high.

I think it depends on the children and on the parents.

Mine were intense babies - they didn't sleep through until 4 years old! I also dislike being too central, so the complete dependency of babies drained me, despite the fact I obviously loved them and wanted to do everything for them.

They are wonderful teens now, affectionate, hard working, pleasant. And the fact that they need me less gives me more air emotionally, so I am also happier with that. For me, the teen years are the best so far.

I doubt I would feel the same if they had been babies who slept 12 hour stretches and teens with MH problems though.

It all depends on circumstances.

Endless drama, self harming, depression, threats of suicide, crazy mood swings, refusal to do as asked. Playing the constant blame game. Emotional neediness just when you want to go to bed. Police involvement over drugs.
Abortion and the fall out from that.
Being in sub par relations and the fall out from that. Friendship issues and the fall out from that.
I so wish for the toddler days again. I had 6 dc in 8 years. The girls have been by far the worst.

It’s not just personality
It’s not just parenting

A lot of it is circumstances and peer groups. Influential others. Over which you have little control.

I have 3 teens (13 DD, 16 DS, 18 DS). They are 100% times easier than when little. They are independent, can cook once a week, are fun to be around. Yes they eye roll, get pissed and puke in the sink, phone us up at midnight as they've had a whitey when smoking a spliff, scream they hate us now and again, take the piss out of me, have rooms of doom, cost an absolute fucking fortune to feed and clothe. But most the time they are funny, interesting people who I love having about.
We have been lucky but we also have high expectations and put in work when they were little so have a close relationship but give them lots of freedom on the understanding they don't cross lines.

That’s kind of a given though isn’t it?

Our children aren’t always or even for very long controlled by us alone

My DD was a bit of a mare when she became a teen. To be fair we were having a hideous time, I was divorcing and it was high conflict and toddler DS was referred for autism assessment. Along with raging hormones, it was a dreadful time. We did come out of the other side though. DS had just entered his teens and has suddenly become a bit hormonal and "grunty" for want of a better description. However, nothing too much just yet. I think it's a difficult time for everybody, your little kids are no longer little kids and they are finding their way, trying to be adult, as parents that's quite difficult too. I learned a lot of lessons with my firstborn and hope that I can parent better with my youngest. It's hard!!

It’s a generalisation. We have had 2 extremely lovely teens, with not so much as a slammed door! Some can be a challenge. But in my experience and that of my friends’, most are easy at this stage and great company.

The difference I'm noticing is that baby/toddlerhood is physical graft, teen/preteen is mental graft. As very quick & simple generalisation.

I enjoy my teens & pre teen & the relationship I have with them but trying to guide them & give them the possible advice (only for them to ignore it) is hard. Not everything can be fixed with a kiss or a hug. You know almost everything about them when they're little, that's not the case once they're teens, that in itself, is a huge adjustment. I've a 6 & 8yo too, so I'm enjoying being 'little' while I can.

Having small children is like having pets, it's about being consistent in addressing their physical and emotional needs.

Having teenagers or young adult children is like being a line manager of an inexperienced worker, it's all about being flexible and responsive in helping them develop the skills they need to be independent.

I find parenting teenagers much easier than looking after a baby but my teenagers give me very little to worry about. Other people might have more difficult to parent teenagers. And if you're parenting teenagers with complex needs due to ND then you're a giant among parents because that must be so hard.

What everyone else says plus for mine the need to have a dreadful (IMO) haircut!! Can't March him down to the hairdresser anymore! Yes, it's only hair but my god!

On a serious note, the knowledge they these are key years academically and their future is at stake to a certain degree. Of course they can catch up later but it's harder. So worrying they're doing the right thing, getting a decent education etc but also worrying they are socialising enough.

I'm sure I'm 10 years I'll be worrying about whether they can afford to live independently etc. it's pretty relentless.

Not at all!

Glad you feel able to continue the thread.

Absolutely - like everything else, and like I said, it's all individual. Personality is one element - I have articulate, strong-willed DC, which is great but not always easy.

I'm fortunate, so far, not to have any very serious issues arise. But the daily parenting & navigating of responsibility is very tiring.

First of being a teenager is HARD. Schools at the moment have so many rules and regulations and the workload is tough. They have to be able to make their own decisions and mistakes and you have to let them whilst letting them go and make their own decisions.
mental health and anxiety is rife as well and hard to navigate.

its really hoping that the work you put in the early stages is enough for them not to make mistakes, not to screw it’s up whilst navigating a far (imo) harsher world
than we ever did. Seeing the switch from being a carefree happy child to a more mature young adult who realises what a screwed up world we live in and just hoping that they remain safe

it is just different. Each stage brings its own stresses and issues, but also joy and fun.

Each child is different, some will be a nightmare as a toddler but a dream teen, others are lovely little children and horrible moody teens!

if you make a generalisation and an average of all children.....
toddlers are knackering if they get up in the night, you have to constantly monitor them and worry about potty training and other developmental milestones. However they are easily please by a quick trip to the park or a biscuit in front of peppa pig. You can also pretty much control their world, who they see, what they do etc.
teenagers can make their own snacks (and eat you out of house and home!), get themselves to school and shower themselves. However mentally its a never ending roundabout of worry - are they doing well enough at school to get into 6th form/uni/chosen job, who are they hanging out with, are they taking drugs or will they get stabbed walking home from school, are they going to get pregnant, are they self harming or have an eating disorder, are they being groomed online or are they being bullied or are they a bully, they want a part time job for money but will that impact on their school work. But on the other hand they can be a job - intelligent conversation and watching them find thier own path and become an adult.

Please, please, please come back in 13 years and let us know how you are getting on!

I found parenting toddlers pretty straightforward. Yes, it was hard and exhausting (neither of mine were good sleepers), but I felt confident that I knew roughly what the right thing to do was (just keep them alive, preferably in Boden trousers). To be fair, both mine were pretty easy.

I have two teens, and they are both lovely. However, nothing prepared me for the immense worry when things go wrong. I never felt that I could not eat or sleep with worry with toddlers. I have with teens.

It feels like time is moving so fast and if they are in the school - exam - uni - job track it also feels like there is very limited room for mistakes. We've always stressed that you can take lots of detours in your life, but if you child wants to do a certain career and they fuck up two or three GCSEs when they are 15/16 it can totally derail things. And that is a lot of pressure for a child.

I am also older now obviously, and have other caring/ job responsibilities.
When I had toddlers I was in my early 30s and had no idea how shit the peri-menopause could make you feel. So you have less reserves of energy and patience, and bits of you are starting to ache/ not work/ seize up.

I would say that it has been an utter joy seeing the young people my DC have become. However, you have to learn to accept that they are who they are; I know too many parents who are just a little disappointed that their kids are not following in their footsteps, or are fulfilling their parents' dreams.

You get easy and hard versions of all stages. It also depends what else is happening in your life at the time. Challenging teens plus elderly parents, or financial hardship, relationship breakdown etc - very hard. Sweet teens plus no other major challenges - fine. But it's the luck of the draw.

Teens are just, well exhausting but not in the same full on energetic way toddlers are. 4 boys who are now 1 out of teens (23) 18, 14 and almost 13 so you can imagine the hormones flying about just now. The moods, mess, defiance, laziness, sleeping till noon or later etc worrying about where they are / 18 yo not younger. It’s just entirely different. Not saying it’s all bad because it’s not it’s just different. They are, funny, kind, loving, chatty and nice boys too.

Everyone experiences it differently as all of our kids are individuals and if you don’t know I don’t know why it’s not ok to ask what it’s like some people just like to be negative and goady, they could have an argument in an empty room on here just now.
Enjoy your little ones op, you’ve got a while to wait for this phase of life 🙂🙂🙂

A lot of it is circumstances and peer groups. Influential others. Over which you have little control.

That's very true. When they are smaller, you pretty much have full 'control'. As they move into teen & adult years, properly, you must step back but you then face situations that are hard to control. You hope & support teens to make good choices but inevitably, they won't always and this is hard.

As a single parent, I also worry a lot about my own decisions wrt my teens, something I didn't do when they were small.

@FourLastSongs

Excellent post. A lot of what you say resonates with me too.

I prefer teenage years to toddler years. I teach teenagers & like that age group.

It's nice to be able to have jokes & go out to do stuff we all enjoy.