Page 8 | 'I'm not cleaning toilets'

boobashka · 2024-03-03T22:40:50+00:00

I'm trying to encourage my 17 year old to get a weekend/ holiday job and have texted him a range of opportunities which I've found online. I asked him to chase up one which was cleaning camper vans to which he responded 'that's not the kind of thing I want to do - I'm not cleaning toilets'. This has really got my back up. Both myself and dh cleaned toilets, washed pots and pans, chambermaided, pulled pints etc as students. I'm annoyed that I've raised someone so entitled. Who does he think he is? Advice please?

Newestname002 · 04/03/2024 13:37

@boobashka

I wouldn't have wanted a job where I had to clean toilets either but as a young person, I had various jobs in shops during weekends and holidays (even when I had full time jobs), typing, data input, etc. Hopefully your teen will find something they want to do, particularly if they only get very basic money - if any - from you. 🌹

Original poster

boobashka · 04/03/2024 13:38

@theleafandnotthetree once again you have expressed everything I am trying to say far better than I could have put it myself! Thank you for all your common sense 🙏

OP posts:

Original poster

boobashka · 04/03/2024 13:41

Newestname002 · 04/03/2024 13:37

@boobashka

I wouldn't have wanted a job where I had to clean toilets either but as a young person, I had various jobs in shops during weekends and holidays (even when I had full time jobs), typing, data input, etc. Hopefully your teen will find something they want to do, particularly if they only get very basic money - if any - from you. 🌹

Totally content if he finds a summer job with no toilet cleaning element! I'm happy for him to do anything at all. It's his attitude that I'm more concerned about!

OP posts:

DaisyCat33 · 04/03/2024 13:46

I think the main issue here is he doesn't actually need money. Where's his motivation to work? He's obviously not going to want to do a job he sees as gross or unpleasant, when he's 17 years old and has no incentive except you want him to save for uni. Perhaps once he's at uni, and requires extra money in order to do all the socialising etc he wants to do, he'll change his mindset.

SOxon · 04/03/2024 14:24

7Summers · 04/03/2024 12:59

Yes! It sounds like we could fill a thread with similarities between our parents! It was definitely a form of control. The irony in my case being that I cut my parents off altogether and now they have zero control over anything in my life. My mother tried to talk me out of A levels, university, buying a house, driving, us having a second car. She wanted me to have things hard because she did. It’s a horrible way to be.

I listen to my children’s wishes and raise them up at every opportunity. A parent who enjoys putting their child down at every opportunity, especially when their wishes are perfectly acceptable, are people who likely won’t have good relationships with their children in future.

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thank you for this - no we didn’t have a good relationship at all, constantly undermining then denigrating our effort, achivement, then the inevitable NC

7Summers · 04/03/2024 14:27

boobashka · 04/03/2024 13:24

Isn't that the point of this board @7Summers ? You've never slagged your child off- be honest?!

Slag my children off? No. If I’ve ever had concerns, I talk to their father and to them, not in a slagging them off way, but in a way to resolve the issue. And sometimes we just have to accept that they make different choices to what we would, especially as they get older.

7Summers · 04/03/2024 14:42

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 13:32

There is a wide gulf between how you describe your mother and normal ordinary parenting where you want whats best for them broadly but aren't afraid to remind them that they are in point of fact - by virtue of age and inexperience - starting from the bottom in terms of getting jobs. And that their choices will be limited. As for 'raising them up', the attitude of entitlement I see amongst SOME (I stress some) young people suggests that their parents have raised them up so much they see other people, other jobs as beneath them. I am more interested in my children seeing themselves as equal members of society with a contribution to make, with a lot to give and also a lot to learn.

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I’ve already said that anyone who sees certain jobs as less valuable are snobs and it’s certainly not how my children have been brought up.

But, we seem to have brought our children up to see everyone as equal to them, at the same time as raising our children up and not insisting on them doing unnecessary things they’re against. My son doesn’t see cleaning as beneath him, he just had other options which were preferable to him, when he wanted more more than we provided. Even for a teen with no work experience, there are usually many options of part time work.

7Summers · 04/03/2024 14:48

SOxon · 04/03/2024 14:24

thank you for this - no we didn’t have a good relationship at all, constantly undermining then denigrating our effort, achivement, then the inevitable NC

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It all sounds very similar. For me, my life got so much better by going NC, but the past has impacted my life and it still gets to me at times. I hope things improved for you by going NC. 💐

HangingOver · 04/03/2024 14:49

I used to like being a cleaner. It's easy and you can usually listen to music. Also, holiday caravans are waaaaay better than loos in nightclubs or similar. I would do fruit picking again for all the tea in China though.

NewName24 · 04/03/2024 16:14

theleafandnotthetree · 04/03/2024 09:42

Guess what, lots of people start at 'the bottom' as you call it and stay there doing valuable and socially useful work. We are all needed and some of the jobs people here wouldn't want to do or see their children doing are a damn sight more useful than a lot of the bullshit jobs around which require degrees (I have had some of those kind of jobs!). Do you know who I remember the most from my time having babies in hospital? It's the woman who came around with the meals who was there when I had both children 4 years apart, who was kind and cheerful and had a word for everybody. Not everybody wants or needs to 'rise' - impossible in any case - what's needed is a fairer society where ordinary working people can live decent lives and where there is respect for the broad range of human input into the economy and society.

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Fab post

Pigeonrific · 04/03/2024 16:59

Cleaning jobs will be better paid than many other jobs of similar levels but depending on the employer they might be quite difficult to do right. If he is cleaning in a hotel or hospital, for example the standards are higher than other places. So if he hypothetically did land in some sort of cleaning.role, he might get a rude awakening when he finds there is learning before he cannot it right..I daresay other people on this thread would be similarly surprised to find such roles can be quite skilled (as well as physically demanding). When I worked in hospitality some years ago, the housekeeping part of the role was about as physically demanding as a gym session.

Flyhigher · 04/03/2024 17:14

I did lots of menial manual jobs. But never cleaned toilets.
He is probably a bit entitled but also let him find a job.

I wouldn't clean someone's toilet either.

Unless I was starving. I don't mind cleaning up things. But toilets. Is nasty.

EarthlyNightshade · 04/03/2024 18:35

SOxon · 04/03/2024 12:37

Had my parents suggested this I would have realised their poor opinion of me,
my worth, capabilities, sensibilities, value, and wondered at the branch sized chip on their shoulder(s).
as displayed to full effect on this enlightening thread.

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Who do you think should be cleaning toilets?

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/03/2024 19:38

Jeez, what I want to know is who IS cleaning the toilets?! No one on mumsnet or their offspring apparently!

Gettingonmygoat · 04/03/2024 20:16

SOxon · 04/03/2024 12:20

Also, describing ‘mums’ as something akin to a pejorative term, expressing conflicting opinions or helpful suggestions as ‘attitude’ is just rude.

Telling your 17 year old son and everyone else that he has to ‘start at the bottom’ somewhat negates the possible hard work he has put in at school to ensure good grades, puts him down, makes your forceful denigrating of his skills, capabilities,
a legiron for him rather than behaving as a respectful parent.

You pointedly do not say whether he is required to keep his own room and bathroom clean at home, whether he does chores, shopping, gardening, or
whether he is pampered meaning the push to a job is now a shock to him and describes the type of lad William Rose Butchers dreaded applying.

At Uni, domesticated Virgoan son was shocked in halls, in a flat of 5, that none
of the others had ever used a washing machine, didn’t (appear to) understand symbols, never changed their bedding for a whole term, used the same towel, always looked unkempt, never washed up, left a mess for others, lived on kebabs, never vacuumed, etc etc, never required to clean wash, cook at home.
these are young men who will marry, their wives will be on here in years to come,
in despair, bemoaning said husbands lack of domesticity.

Expecting a 17/18 young man to suddenly be told he has to go out cleaning toilets as necessary to be starting from the bottom sounds not only invidious but -
‘well I did it why can’t you’ resentful parenting.

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The RNLI have a huge problem recruiting because "the bright young things" straight out of uni will not start at the bottom, they won't mop a floor because they have a degree don't you know, they believe that a degree entitles them to be helmsmen straight off even though they have never put to sea. Experience counts in some jobs, experience that can't be learned in a classroom. Education means chuff all in a force 9 gale in the Atlantic.

Springdeclutter · 04/03/2024 20:21

If they get a job it should be something they don’t mind doing. I wouldn’t fancy cleaning either.

kitsuneghost · 04/03/2024 20:30

Yerroblemom1923 · 04/03/2024 19:38

Jeez, what I want to know is who IS cleaning the toilets?! No one on mumsnet or their offspring apparently!

I wouldn't mind a cleaning job but I'd be sacked in a week cause I'm rubbish at cleaning.

Whattodowithit88 · 04/03/2024 21:45

It seems like you actively WANT your child to clean strangers toilets 🤨

dimllaishebiaith · 04/03/2024 21:55

Whattodowithit88 · 04/03/2024 21:45

It seems like you actively WANT your child to clean strangers toilets 🤨

Yes because also talking to him about a job in a cafe absolutely points to that...

oh... wait...

mathanxiety · 05/03/2024 01:36

boobashka · 04/03/2024 09:03

I think the attitude of a lot of the posters (mums?) on here is the reason why we have so many young people who don't think they need to start at the bottom and work up. Who think they can pick and choose when they are only just starting out.

I would have advised my DCs that they could do better than a job that involved cleaning toilets.

However, they all had other jobs (mainly babysitting) from 13 to age 16 and at that point they were legally allowed to do jobs that involved a payslip. With their references from babysitting, they got summer receptionist/ secretarial sub/ and general gofer jobs (schlepping furniture in the case of DS.) They worked all through university too.

They earned their own money to spend on clothes or shoes or entertainment. I never gave pocket money so if they wanted walking around money as teens they had to make it themselves.

Plus they all did chores at home - laundry, cleaning (including bathrooms), cooking, general help, cleaning up after themselves.

If your DS has reached the grand old age of 17 and is only now considering the need for saving for university, has never had any kind of a job, and doesn't contribute around the house, it's really not fair for you to suddenly turn on the pressure as you seem to have done, giving him the impression that he has somehow failed - to learn a lesson that nobody taught him. He has developed his attitude and his lack of solid experience of work (at home or elsewhere) on your watch.

chattyness · 05/03/2024 13:59

He doesn't have to do it forever, it's something he can easily do to earn money for Uni while he looks for something else that he'll enjoy. It'll also give him food for thought - don't waste your time at Uni, work hard get your qualifications and have a better chance at getting your dream job so that you make sure this isn't going to be your life.
There's no shame in cleaning for a living, it might not be a dream job, but it's much better that than being stuck on the dole!

Flyhigher · 06/03/2024 22:37

I'm w/c background. I did catering and factories. And horticulture. But never toilets.
And I never would. If I had to obvs. But it was never on my list. I don't think it's entitled.

It's hopefully a sign that he has his sights set high.

Flyhigher · 06/03/2024 22:39

Menial jobs fine. No problem. As long as he isn't turning his nose up at anything menial. Then he is entitled.

Flyhigher · 06/03/2024 22:40

Not wanting to work in cafe is a bit entitled. But maybe he had a clear plan.

DodoTired · 07/03/2024 03:06

boobashka · 04/03/2024 09:03

I think the attitude of a lot of the posters (mums?) on here is the reason why we have so many young people who don't think they need to start at the bottom and work up. Who think they can pick and choose when they are only just starting out.

I mean. You raised him to the grand age of 17 without him ever having a job of any kind 🙄 and suddenly you are complaining about the reason why WE have so many people not willing blah blah? It’s not other posters’ fault you raised your son without ever needing to have a summer job 🙄

it’s also kind of late to start saving for uni for him

did you suddenly wake up and realise the omission in your parenting or what?

The way starting from the bottom does not necessarily have to include cleaning toilets, still. He could start from the bottom in the field he really wants to be (eg admin etc)