'I'm not cleaning toilets'

[boobashka]

I'm trying to encourage my 17 year old to get a weekend/ holiday job and have texted him a range of opportunities which I've found online. I asked him to chase up one which was cleaning camper vans to which he responded 'that's not the kind of thing I want to do - I'm not cleaning toilets'. This has really got my back up. Both myself and dh cleaned toilets, washed pots and pans, chambermaided, pulled pints etc as students. I'm annoyed that I've raised someone so entitled. Who does he think he is? Advice please?

Are camper van toilets the compost type that need emptying as well as cleaning

I disagree. We have a cleaner and she’s fantastic at her job. But she’s also just doing it part time around looking after her grandchildren, she’s not trying to build a career like young people should be doing. And she moved to this country quite late in life which unfortunately means her English skills aren’t good enough for lots of jobs - again not a consideration that applies to most young people. There are different jobs that suit people in different stages of life and with different skill sets.

At 17 OP’s son is best off trying to get something that will provide him with transferable skills for his future career or a job where he’ll be able to transfer to a branch near his uni next year. Not scrubbing toilets just because OP has some idea that he needs to pay his dues.

Also, describing ‘mums’ as something akin to a pejorative term, expressing conflicting opinions or helpful suggestions as ‘attitude’ is just rude.

Telling your 17 year old son and everyone else that he has to ‘start at the bottom’ somewhat negates the possible hard work he has put in at school to ensure good grades, puts him down, makes your forceful denigrating of his skills, capabilities,
a legiron for him rather than behaving as a respectful parent.

You pointedly do not say whether he is required to keep his own room and bathroom clean at home, whether he does chores, shopping, gardening, or
whether he is pampered meaning the push to a job is now a shock to him and describes the type of lad William Rose Butchers dreaded applying.

At Uni, domesticated Virgoan son was shocked in halls, in a flat of 5, that none
of the others had ever used a washing machine, didn’t (appear to) understand symbols, never changed their bedding for a whole term, used the same towel, always looked unkempt, never washed up, left a mess for others, lived on kebabs, never vacuumed, etc etc, never required to clean wash, cook at home.
these are young men who will marry, their wives will be on here in years to come,
in despair, bemoaning said husbands lack of domesticity.

Expecting a 17/18 young man to suddenly be told he has to go out cleaning toilets as necessary to be starting from the bottom sounds not only invidious but -
‘well I did it why can’t you’ resentful parenting.

@SOxon But why shouldn't he? He's got no skills or experience. He's hardly able to walk into a cushy, no effort job as though he has, is he.

He’s not though is he? He has also turned down cafe work. He’s not saying ‘actually Mum, I don’t need to do the cleaning job because I’m about to start a job helping fix computers….’, he’s holding out for his dream job in the fancy outdoor shop, when there is no guarantee one of those jobs will come up or that he will get it given he will likely be up against people with experience of something at least whereas he has none.

But OP says he doesn’t really need the money at the moment. Until him working becomes more necessary, he can hold out for a while and not for something he doesn’t want to.

Had my parents suggested this I would have realised their poor opinion of me,
my worth, capabilities, sensibilities, value, and wondered at the branch sized chip on their shoulder(s).
as displayed to full effect on this enlightening thread.

No chip on my shoulder @SOxon 😁

You’re telling us quite a lot there about how you view people who clean toilets.

Except eventually when he finds something he wants, he might find he's up against applicants who have already worked in a cafe and therefore appear more appealing to a prospective employer

Some kids are working from 14, 3 years work experience in a cafe is going to look excellent on their CV and references compared to a 17 year old who has never worked

He can absolutely choose to be picky, he just has to also accept the consequences if he goes off to uni without as much money and if he's prepared to do that fair enough. But once he's there if he suddenly decided that actually a weekend job would be useful to have more money, he is once again going to he up against candidates who didn't turn their noses up at working in a cafe when they were 17

I get it too. My 16 year old with no skills yet seems to think he can waltz into a 30K a year job, without getting up early or having to work with the public 🤦🏼‍♀️ so yes, I can sympathise

Well quite!

very astute last paragraph - mine was of the “ I left school at 14 and had to work why can’t you’ which hampered my sister and I considerably, both left home permanently at 18 in order to make progress, no one needs that sort of weight around their ankles - it seems this was an age/generational thing, no respect for achievement, hard work seen as physical, a form of reverse snobbery, ‘nobbling’ as my OH describes it, ensuring your horse cannot move far - its also a means of control but that is another thread

“ if the cap fits, let him wear it “ Bob Marley - I never specified a head

sigh

He'll be fine if he's never cleaned a toilet for a job – but would definitely recommend he knows how to clean a toilet as a valuable life skill.

I would have thought wanting your son to earn some money to take to Uni was rather the opposite of wanting your child to leave education at 14 tbh

Yes! It sounds like we could fill a thread with similarities between our parents! It was definitely a form of control. The irony in my case being that I cut my parents off altogether and now they have zero control over anything in my life. My mother tried to talk me out of A levels, university, buying a house, driving, us having a second car. She wanted me to have things hard because she did. It’s a horrible way to be.

I listen to my children’s wishes and raise them up at every opportunity. A parent who enjoys putting their child down at every opportunity, especially when their wishes are perfectly acceptable, are people who likely won’t have good relationships with their children in future.

Thank you @dimllaishebiaith . Exactly true. I seem to have triggered a few people on this thread... My son has great plans which I'm fully behind and I support him to the hilt. We have a good relationship now and i know that will carry on into his adult life. Even if he has to clean a few toilets along the way 😂

Such a good relationship that you’re on here slagging him off. 😬

I think some posters are having trouble seeing the difference between ‘you’re not good enough for this (ambitious) job’ and ‘you’re not too good for this (starter) job’.

Isn't that the point of this board @7Summers ? You've never slagged your child off- be honest?!

Indeed!

Why should teenagers be stuck doing a job they hate. It might be part-time but they are fully entitled as much as the rest of us to be doing something they enjoy.
If you were told to clean toilets and you didn't enjoy it you would look for something else.
Teenagers are not another species that need to lap up the scraps and just be grateful. They have a lot to add to the workplace (official qualifications and experience or not)

There is a wide gulf between how you describe your mother and normal ordinary parenting where you want whats best for them broadly but aren't afraid to remind them that they are in point of fact - by virtue of age and inexperience - starting from the bottom in terms of getting jobs. And that their choices will be limited. As for 'raising them up', the attitude of entitlement I see amongst SOME (I stress some) young people suggests that their parents have raised them up so much they see other people, other jobs as beneath them. I am more interested in my children seeing themselves as equal members of society with a contribution to make, with a lot to give and also a lot to learn.