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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How do I get ds to leave home?

314 replies

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:10

And just go?

I am so sick of him.

He's doing AS levels except he isn't. Hasn't attended school for more than six days since January. The school hasn't expelled him yet but I wish they would.

Sleeps all day, games all weekend. Might play a game of rugby here and there but does nothing else.

He's rude. Hostile. Dirty. Consumes vast amounts of food. Refuses to get a job.

Yeah yeah yeah. I know all my fault. Shit parenting etc etc etc except my other three are nothing like him.

I want him out. How do I do this?

OP posts:
blacksax · 03/03/2024 21:04

MaloneMeadow · 03/03/2024 18:32

Considering you’ve made an MN post slagging him off with all the insults of the day it very clearly illustrates your attitude towards him.

Show quote history

Or... it could be that the OP is at the end of her fucking tether, and has nowhere else to turn.

lambhotpot · 03/03/2024 21:05

Was you a gentle parent?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:05

And I'm not going to kick him out. Of course I am not.

But after years and years and years of this constant stress and unnecessary drama with zero help apart from being called "a shit parent" from the lovelies on here, it gets to you. Especially when you hope there might be an end to it with his adulthood when MH people have told you there is no issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:06

@blacksax ignore @MaloneMeadow - she's of zero use or help.

OP posts:
Mrsgreen100 · 03/03/2024 21:07

Cut of the internet

Mrsgreen100 · 03/03/2024 21:07

Off

IndigoFlamingoes · 03/03/2024 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Comedycook · 03/03/2024 21:09

Anything you do for him...stop. No cooking, no laundry, no lifts. He's an adult now so living off your kindness....remind him of that

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/03/2024 21:09

Is it possible for him to go and stay with his father?

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:10

@lambhotpot nah. I beat him black and blue. 🙄

Whatever I say, someone is going to say, "Ah ha. That's why he's like he is."

I refused to leave him to cry as an baby / child. Always went to him. Fed on demand. He coslept with me whenever he wanted as a baby / toddler.

No smacking. Usual frustrations when he wouldn't cooperate. Had to take him to school in his pyjamas several time, explaining why.

When he put my velvet cushions in a puddle of dog wee one time, I remember shouting at him to stop it. He was 14.

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 03/03/2024 21:10

He will only get three years of 16-19 funding. So if he is on his third year of sixth form this is probably his last year unless they are bending the rules.

Personally I'd suggest pulling back and just stopping.

Stop nagging him to do stuff, but equally don't do things for him.

So don't clean his bedroom, offer to teach him how to clean if he gets fed up with it.

Teach him how to do laundry (or make a video etc) and stop doing his laundry.

Don't make food just for him. If he's horrible at the family meal don't bother trying to get him at it.

If he makes a mess of the bathroom, can you allocate him a bathroom of his own so it only impacts him? If not you may have to put up with it or go for alternative tactics like put any mess he leaves in the bathroom in a box in his room at 9pm each night,

Don't give him a lift to rugby, then you won't be angry he is late because you'll be out with your friends or enjoying time with the rest of your family,

It might take a while. But they do grow up. And it's a lot easier to tolerate if you aren't being their servant.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:11

@IndigoFlamingoes weird though because said poster is unable to specify exact aspects of my parenting. Just a generic "shit parenting". Not good enough I'm afraid.

Yet other posters have been amazingly constructive and helpful.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:12

@IndigoFlamingoes but if you can offer some constructive and helpful advice then please do.

OP posts:
carly2803 · 03/03/2024 21:13

can you buy him a plane ticket and tell him go stay with his dad, get some perspective and respect then come back with a job in situ?

i dont know the answer OP, im sorry for your situation, you have done everything possible, except...throw him out. not ideal but soon he will be 40 living like this driving you insaine pushing everyone away and wrecking relationships for you too

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2024 21:15

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:00

So when he was young, we took him to the GP about his rage and refusal to cooperate over the slightest thing. I thought he ticked all the boxes for ODD or something.

The GP dismissed us over and over because he was fine at school. He excelled academically until he was 14.

Anyway, by the time he was 10, he hadn't improved so we found a child therapist for him. It cost us a lot but we had to find out what the problem was.M.

After 18 months, she said there is nothing wrong with him. He's "very intelligent and sensitive." Yet his behaviour was still the same at home.

Back to the GP again who eventually agreed to refer him to CAMHS. He had the six sessions at CAMHS who said again there is no issue with him.

Current psychologist won't divulge anything to me because he's 18 and it's a confidential relationship. Unless of course he threatens to harm himself or someone else.

So there we are. Gone from pillar to post. Not one MH intervention has been deemed necessary.

So those of you claiming I have done nothing, please give it up.

Meanwhile, he refuses to consider any other help. Anything at all.

And yes, he has said, "And how exactly are you going to make me?" when I suggest he goes and lives with his father or gets a job.

Makes me even more convinced. Fairly normal ND profile.

Let down by shit doctor and shit CAMHS.

This last post makes me 100% convinced. His disordered sleep patterns are very suggestive of ADHD. ( bitter experience)

Even your level of frustration/despair suggests it. I’d take him out if school and make him sign up to UC. He obviously isn’t up to school at the moment.

When mine went through ( and still is) something like this, l remember someone saying that ‘ND adolescents and young people step off the path for a bit, but get back later on’ this was and still is my source of comfort.

Dont fight or demand. Use humour, offer alternatives.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2024 21:17

Don't give him a lift to rugby, then you won't be angry he is late because you'll be out with your friends or enjoying time with the rest of your family

This will be one of his special interests. Removing it may make him worse.

lambhotpot · 03/03/2024 21:20

@BlastedPimples
It was just a general question nothing was meant by it.
I have a 19 year old myself.

Octavia64 · 03/03/2024 21:20

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 03/03/2024 21:17

Don't give him a lift to rugby, then you won't be angry he is late because you'll be out with your friends or enjoying time with the rest of your family

This will be one of his special interests. Removing it may make him worse.

I'm not suggesting removing it.

Removing it would be saying you can't go (although this is pretty unenforceable with a teen).

I'm saying don't give him lifts.

He can (potentially) get the bus, he can cycle, he can walk, he can get a lift from a friend, he can problem solve on his own.

Original poster
BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 21:26

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow can I just say how much your post means to me. You have heard me. Thank you.

OP posts:
Mytholmroyd · 03/03/2024 21:29

OP you say you have three other children - are they older? Could you ask for their help dealing with him/get them to intervene and back you up?

TraitorsGate · 03/03/2024 21:30

Is he the eldest, how is this affecting your other children. What would happen if you do stop doing things for him, does it matter if his room is a shit tip.

itsalwaysthesame · 03/03/2024 21:32

My god some of the nasty judgmental replies on here!

Sounds like op is at the end of her tether, also at 17 he is soon to be an adult and needs to treat his mum with respect.
I'm not sure what I'd do as my kids are younger, id definitely stop any money your giving, change the Wi-Fi password. Is his dad able to help support you with him?

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 03/03/2024 21:32

BlastedPimples · 03/03/2024 18:53

@Icannotbudget thank you for a rational response.

His father lives in UK. We do not. His father is a difficult man. Adulterous and had been violent to me. We are divorced.

His father thinks he needs more compassion. Yet he would lose his temper with him when he lived with us and ds refused to come to meal time or go to school when required.

His father has offered to house him too. So he will move country / house and nothing will change in ds's behaviour.

Sometimes I think nothing changes unless it HAS to change.

Anyway I feel a lot better for venting my spleen on here. Thanks.

How is your son taking AS levels if not in the UK?

Comedycook · 03/03/2024 21:33

His father is a difficult man

Seems like nature has beaten nurture I'm afraid.

stayathomer · 03/03/2024 21:35

Just read your update, hope it works out and ye at least learn to live together in an easier way. X

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