Feeding DS’s girlfriend

[SalTtt]

So my DS is 14yo and in year 10. His girlfriend of 3 mths is year 11 and 16yo. There’s a pattern developing where she spends most of the weekend at our house - no sleepovers but she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.
Naturally within that time we’ve planned to cook family meals but because she’s here we of course share the food we’ve prepared but we are a family of 5, we already spend a fair bit on weekly food shop. I haven’t yet bought more food bcos of her presence but I have to think whether we have enough for 6 of what I’ve planned to cook.
Also, DS makes her lunch when she arrives (soup & sandwich) and he took a flask of hot soup into school the other day for her - she gets Free School Meals but doesn’t want to queue so either doesn’t eat lunch or takes handouts from her friends.
She’s a lovely girl but we’re feeling the strain of having an extra mouth to feed! Any ideas how we tackle this one? 🤔

I'd worry about her home situation.

You're not a mug. When I look back at being a teenager, I had a very close best friend. I spent a LOT of time at her house. I lived about a 30 min drive away from school. Had a super strict step dad, in the 4 years I went to school with her she spent 1 night at my house when he was away and we could be completely sure he wouldn't discover.

Maybe that's why she spends all the time at yours, he wouldn't be welcome at hers.

I really don't know what my friends mum thought, she is a fabulous lady so hopefully she didn't mind. I think from some of the thing I would have said innocently she might have know not all was too well at home. I certainly wasn't trying to take advantage of her.

❤️ kindness matters

She’s a kid for gods sake .. so much contempt the gf when it’s clear she has a shit family life and is on pupil premium and we don’t know what her living situation is like .. it might be run down, cold or unsafe.

This is 💔

Before you decide on what approach to take, I think you need to think about what your issue actually is. Is it the lack of planning about meals and the assumption that she can stay? Is it that you don't want her for 2 or 3 meals every weekend because of change to family dynamics and cost? Or is it that your son is spending a huge proportion of his free time with a relatively new girlfriend.

For me it would be the last one that was the biggest issue, I know when you are a teen in a new relationship you want to spend all your time together but at 14, 3 months in, spending entire weekends together and Friday nights is far too intense. They are not life partners, they are dating at school. It is surely affecting their friendships, family relationships, hobbies and school work. For me the meals would be a side issue that would be resolved once you've established a reasonable amount of time they can hang out at yours. However if this is already a pattern it might be hard to change

She could come for dinner once a week. Other weekdays should be kept shorter, They both have school.
Every night expecting dinner is too much.

Also recently her mum’s car was broken and her only option to get home was a walk in the dark and then catch the bus. I couldn’t imagine allowing my DD to do that alone so we’ve ended up as a taxi service.
The more I write the more of a mug I feel!
This ain't being a mug, it's being a decent human being, giving her a safe lift home. You have some odd ideas OP

OP, I can understand how annoying this must be for you. Do you know what the girl is facing at home? Mum's new partner? Mum's MH or drinking issues? Dangerous dad? If so you are providing her with a safe haven and doing an amazing thing, particularly in the run-up to GCSEs.

In your shoes I'd ask a few questions and try and find out if there are good reasons why she's fleeing home and why your DS can't stay there at weekends. If there's not, I'd suggest to your son that he initiates a request to spend time at her house.

You give the impression that she's pleasant and grateful. Given that exam time is looming and that you don't say you dislike her or she's a difficult presence, I'd try and go along with it. Heaven knows I've known enough people, male and female, who would have loved a safe place to retreat to at weekends rather than face the horrors of home. Good luck with it. If money really is the main issue here, tell your son that as none of this has ever been run past you for approval, and as you're having to find extra money, his portion of meat etc will have to be shared between the two of them.

You feel like “a mug” because you drove a young girl home who you were hosting in your own home so she didn’t have to walk home and catch a bus in the dark.

Wow. What a joy you are to feel a “mug”. I would have drove her home in a heart beat to make sure she got home safe while her moms car was off the road.

I think she has been invited. By your son! Tell him to let you know in advance if he’s planning to invite her round. I think I agree with PPs who have said they would feed her if they could afford the extra portion. Maybe one of the weekend evenings they could take on the responsibility of shopping/cooking for everyone? Give them a budget? And maybe they can try out some vegetarian recipes to cut down the cost. Canned lentils and chickpeas are a winner in our kitchen!

I’m surprised the other kids know these days unless recipient tells them. I was briefly entitled to fsm for a few months and they just put a credit on electronic lunch card that had to be spent that day for high school child. Down as zero charge on parent pay for primary child.

she’s here Friday after school, Saturday & Sunday afternoon to 8/9pm.

That is a hell of a lot of time-all a bit claustrophobic for you as a family and him, personally tbh. How much time does he get in his own? With his mates? To do homework?

Are you planning on having a chat with him? I’d be thinking one day a weekend is more than enough for her to come round. Is he planning to continue to take hot soup in for her at school? I’d be having a chat with the head of year about that.

My brother's girlfriend practically moved in with us when they were both about 13. She did have quite a difficult home life. That was nearly 30 years ago and they are still together and my parents have some lovely grandkids in return for all the hosting while she was vulnerable. So it worked out for us!

She’s sixteen though, she can walk to catch a bus and she can leave before it gets dark.

Christ. None of that would bother me. I was that young girl once upon a time and my first boyfriend’s family were so kind to me and I ate with them and hid Dad used to drop me home a couple of days a week. It meant the world to me.
I cannot believe you are moaning about throwing together and extra dinner for the kid at the weekend and your son bringing her in something to eat. I mean HOW much extra does that cost you? You sound as mean as ditchwater.

It's not a hell of a lot of time. It's not that much for teens hanging out.

Sounds like she isn't therw Mon to Thursday.

Couldn't get worked up about this as teenagers. Not like toddlers where you have to watch every moment.

I find it a problem you thinking you are being a "mug" for just being hospitable and kind to a child who sounds like she does not have the best home life. Or even if she does, she is your son's friend, what's the problem with being nice? What happened to it taking a village to raise a child?

Being on free school meals and having to get a bus doesn't mean she is living some kind of Oliver Twist lifestyle.
When she comes to your house at the weekend just let her know.. dinners at 6, hadn't planned on having you so could you leave by then or come afterwards.
Tell your son to stop taking food into school, she has a meal waiting for her in the canteen, if she's that hungry she will queue up and get it.

FSM are very much discrete now with no one knowing who was getting what. It’s all done electronically and she will have a daily allowance. Please feel
assured.

When she comes to your house at the weekend just let her know.. dinners at 6, hadn't planned on having you so could you leave by then or come afterwards

Is that you Ruby Franke? Mortified for you.

I just don’t feel fully comfortable and settled when other people are in my house outside of my immediate family

I just find tbat so sad 😞- but each to their own

Ok, I read quiet a lot of the posts.
I think you have a bigger worry than food.
At the ages you have mentioned there will be a lot of sexual urges In both parties.
I think You need to have the talk with these children. Your DS is underage.
Think, better to act now than have 18 years of regrets.

Huge assumption there that there is plenty of food in her home.

Friday- Sunday you could make pasta/chicken soup/chilli/jacket potatoes and bulk it out (e.g. with tomatoes/vegetables/pulses/beans). Have your more expensive meals Monday-Thursday. Just a thought.