How do you make yourself love them when your heart isn’t in it?

[Howthehell24]

I’ve NC for this but have written on here over the last year about my DD’s awful behaviour. She’s 13. It’s ranged from rudeness/swearing through destruction of property to assault/violence against me, DH and her younger sibling. It’s been relentless. The police, school, SS and CAMHS are al involved with little by way of improvement to date. She’s currently refusing school too.. There is zero contrition on her part.

Everything I read says that you need to keep loving them, to show it’s unconditional and assumes that you’ll be able to do just that but I can’t. She’s hurt me so much both physically and mentally (has said terrible, terrible things to me and tells me daily how much she hates me) that I feel bereaved. The child I loved is gone. I look at her now and feel nothing. Indifference. Watching my friends’ kids of the same age over the holidays - having fun, being together, just ‘being’ - was akin to seeing people with their dads after mine died. How do you get back the feeling? What if I can’t? Just suck it up for 5 years of transactional exchanges - ‘give me data and I won’t hit you’ - then be happy when she leaves at 18? It’s too depressing to contemplate.

I've no advice just here to say I feel the exact same. Just to let you know your not alone. I'm counting the days till DD is 16 and more options open up

This sounds so difficult OP- I think maybe some therapy for you might help . Also try to remember that her behaviour tells a story of what is happening on the inside . She is struggling and you are closest and safest to take it out on . Do you have support? Who are the other adults in her life and what is she like with them ? X

Also .. are there consequences for rudeness and other unwanted behaviour? I would take it right back to basics - one warning delivered calmly that tells her if she continues then the consequence will be .... . Make sure it's comparable to the crime in terms of how serious etc . Maybe firmer boundaries might see an improvement? I'm sure you've probably tried all this xx

I hear you.
Does your DD have any kind of ASD or depression/anxiety?
Is she being bullied at school?
I only ask because I have learnt a lot over the past 5 years about children who are lovely during their primary school years because their needs are catered for and then when they get to secondary school if they have any unaddressed learning or social/ emotional issues, they can’t cope with these on top of flailing around in an increasingly complex social code.
If none of this and she’s just being a hormonal, awful teen I’d recommend building your own social life, fun hobbies etc so that she’s not the centre of your attention and hopefully away you can carve out your own world to escape to.

They actually quite like boundaries. They are romantic idealists at heart & want to believe in 100% pure good things and simple rules for a virtuous life. They react well(&) when you tell them that they said something you found very hurtful. The trick to not make that moment escalate to a row is to say it factually and try not to make the conversation in any way about yourself. You're trying to get them to focus on principles they still believe in. The principles they want to idealistically life. Turn it round "How would you feel if I said that to you? Do you think that's an acceptable thing to say to other people, would you say that to your friends, how would they take it?" and let them squirm. Don't argue, you don't have to agree with their defence, but let them talk, Listening is key. You succeed by making them think about it and you make them think about it by listening to their commentary. You want them to pause & reflect & help them find a path to self-control & empathy.

It's important to enjoy any good moments you have, any moment they make you laugh or say something witty or surprise you (positively).

You're facing problems beyond my pretence to advise helpfully, but I think the above strategies are broadly good with all teens.

(&) better than you might expect

if none of this and she’s just being a hormonal, awful teen I’d recommend building your own social life, fun hobbies etc so that she’s not the centre of your attention and hopefully away you can carve out your own world to escape to.

Thats actually a really good idea. I wish I'd have done that when I was going through what you are going through.

I spent years faking loving my teenager. It can be done.

@NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore

I agree. Mine is pretty good TBH. Although one of the SS team suggested that with work and a social life, maybe part of the problem was insufficient time to devote to DD. Can’t win, eh?

I agree with being slightly more unavailable. Not necessarily in terms of time. But in terms of your focus and what dictates your mood. I feel like the expectation that mums pour all their emotional energy into their children’s happiness to be part of why more teens act like this now. She’s probably absolutely fine and dandy being the centre of everything and having so much attention/‘support’ around her, but what about you?

I'm really sorry to hear this - it must be incredibly hard. From what I've seen, it does tend to get better but I know that'll seem a long way away at the moment. Wishing you the very best of luck.

Come and join us on the hand hold thread. Op sometimes it helps just to rant.

It is hard. It really is.

Thinking of the adult who that difficult teen will become and behaving how you want to be reremembered. I find it very moving when I hear people talk of how awful they were to their mum as a teen, but how mum stayed firm but loving and ready to scoop them back up whenever they needed her.

I wonder if part of the story here is that she feels safe enough with you to be a horror. I was a fairly "perfect" teenager, because I just wouldn't have dared to act up.

So what I'm saying is that even though you don't feel it, perhaps you love her more than you realise (and she senses that).

Oh I know the theory but after ‘it’s just as well you had all those miscarriages because you are a terrible parent and I just wish sibling had been one of them’ it’s challenging to put into practice.

Sounds heartbreaking!

It's definitely a good idea to make time just for yourself as you cannot deal with that otherwise.

I sense the issue is school. Can you deregister her for a bit? Try an online school/ homeschooling?

You can look into Dr Becky Kennedy, Good Inside membership and listen to the bit about deeply feeling kids - if it sounds like your thing. She's good at explaining everything kids do and how to cope as a parent.

School refusal is rarely a choice, it often stems from an anxiety disorder which results in anger issues. Many students this age are capable of studying from home. Would that be an option? It can feel like a huge risk but it can also really turn things around.

Thirteen is still very young , and such a scary unsettling time for young teens.

Hold your boundaries and fake it until you make.

She really does need to feel loved by you.

Sending hugs.
It can be hard and some parents just cant love it sounds awful but its true.
I read a post on here a while ago about someone that did not feel like a mum just had nothing there.
And sometimes theres so much hurt a child has or can do or done you think these things but sometimes that hurt doesnt go away it changes you as a person.
But you are doing your best so be kind to yourself.

I think I'd have to absent myself from listening to that kind of talk OP, mainly to stop myself going down a path I could never come back from.

"You're my daughter and I love you, but I will not stand here and listen to that hateful talk."

Even if it was to go and sit on the toilet with some earbuds in reading a magazine, or keep my shoes handy by the door to slip on and go for a 10 minute walk around the block.

So sorry you are dealing with this. 💐

It’s a very difficult stage and I would agree with trying to find the energy and self worth to take on a new little thing just for you- join a club, reach out to a couple of friends more consciously, volunteer or do something with others in your community.
You need to find a thing that gives you a sense of valuing yourself or being part of a community outside your family. Your DD will come back to you in time but it might be she needs a few years to get to that stage and you need to keep yourself going in the mean time and not feel rejected all the time.

You don't have to love her.

But she is your responsibility and there will be something driving this behaviour.

My DD went through a similar time.

What you do need to do is decide, preferably in advance, how you will handle situations. Work out what you are going to say and say it.

Eg that really upsets me, so I need some time on my own to process it.

Make sure that you have time and space to yourself. Bathrooms work (as long as it isn't the only loo) but you can also get a lock on your bedroom door.

Try to find out what is driving it. Sometimes teenagers are being bullied, sometimes someone has abused them, there will be something and when she opens up enough to you that you can find out what it is then you can start to fix things.

Thanks all. Got off lightly today when I reminded her that she needed PE kit. Told to piss off and that I’m hated. I can’t take this level of abuse for much longer. It’s akin to domestic abuse but, as you say, she’s my responsibility. Everyone has tried to get to the bottom of it and the answers are either I’m fine or I don’t know.

@LushFloral I think it’s the abuse rather than rejection that is hard. If she was monosyllabic and retreated to her room often, it’d be happy days but she follows me around, shouting at me, hitting me, throwing things etc. I see friends often and have 2 volunteer roles so there’s not really a problem with my sense of self. I just don’t like being hurt.