How do you make yourself love them when your heart isn’t in it?

[Howthehell24]

I’ve NC for this but have written on here over the last year about my DD’s awful behaviour. She’s 13. It’s ranged from rudeness/swearing through destruction of property to assault/violence against me, DH and her younger sibling. It’s been relentless. The police, school, SS and CAMHS are al involved with little by way of improvement to date. She’s currently refusing school too.. There is zero contrition on her part.

Everything I read says that you need to keep loving them, to show it’s unconditional and assumes that you’ll be able to do just that but I can’t. She’s hurt me so much both physically and mentally (has said terrible, terrible things to me and tells me daily how much she hates me) that I feel bereaved. The child I loved is gone. I look at her now and feel nothing. Indifference. Watching my friends’ kids of the same age over the holidays - having fun, being together, just ‘being’ - was akin to seeing people with their dads after mine died. How do you get back the feeling? What if I can’t? Just suck it up for 5 years of transactional exchanges - ‘give me data and I won’t hit you’ - then be happy when she leaves at 18? It’s too depressing to contemplate.

There was a lady on here a while ago who had booked a trip for her and her younger child, when her eldest had been placed in alternative care of some kind. She didn’t update about how everyone did afterwards.

Can you arrange for you and your partner to tag team a bit, so your younger one gets a bit of a break?

And perhaps, underplay the nasty things she says- get in the habit of regular chats with the little one about how people say really nasty stuff sometimes and it’s all about them, not the person they’re nasty about.

@moanybird
What a heart wrenching post!
As another mum who has been having horrific thoughts of DDs funeral your post struck a chord with me.
Am glad you see some light at the end of the tunnel now
Xx

Thinking of you too. Unless you have been through the things we all describe, there is no way you can understand just how awful it is. I've lost several friends in the last couple of years as they can't comprehend some of the situations I describe and they disassociate themselves and their own children so as not to be seen as involved with us. I've faced judgement and felt stigma from other parents. It used to bother me, but I couldn't give a shiny shit about it now.
Our absolute priority is our kids and doing right by them. My true friends have kept me sane and I owe them a debt of gratitude.
I feel so sad there are so many of us who have found ourselves in these circumstances and my inbox is always open with no judgement.

Mine is still doing this at 21 on bad days (ASD & ADHD). I hope it's not the same for you

What would happen if you called the police when she assaults you? Surely there should be consequences imposed by the justice system?

We have done. Theoretically they could arrest her and charge her if we agreed to support a prosecution. She could then be convicted. I could not do that to my child, however.

OP I understand your point of view but I am just wondering if you were to press charges would it somehow open up resources from the juvenile justice system to help you and your husband and other child live with your teen? It really sounds like you don't know how you will make it through each day with the abuse you are receiving

Agree re getting her charged by the police / prosecution.
This is the time to do it, when it will both give her the wake up call she needs, and she's a minor so it can be expunged off her record later.
The alternative would be to leave it and leave it, she only gets worse with time as no consequences, and when she's 18 someone else gets her charged. It'll be much harder for her to change then, and she'll be treated as an adult conviction wise.

@Howthehell24 how are you doing this week OP?

Did you ever consume alcohol after she was conceived (even before you knew you were pregnant)?

She is displaying signs of FASD.

Either that or some kind of trauma response, possibly CSA.

But if it was me in the meantime I'd be doing whatever I could financially to find a boarding school for her.

You need to keep your younger dc safe as a priority.

Plenty of schools are used to dealing with defiant DCs.

Then maybe in a different environment and with some space from the stress of family dynamics you can all unpick the causes and solutions.

It's appalling that all those services are doing nothing practical to help you.