How do you make yourself love them when your heart isn’t in it?

[Howthehell24]

I’ve NC for this but have written on here over the last year about my DD’s awful behaviour. She’s 13. It’s ranged from rudeness/swearing through destruction of property to assault/violence against me, DH and her younger sibling. It’s been relentless. The police, school, SS and CAMHS are al involved with little by way of improvement to date. She’s currently refusing school too.. There is zero contrition on her part.

Everything I read says that you need to keep loving them, to show it’s unconditional and assumes that you’ll be able to do just that but I can’t. She’s hurt me so much both physically and mentally (has said terrible, terrible things to me and tells me daily how much she hates me) that I feel bereaved. The child I loved is gone. I look at her now and feel nothing. Indifference. Watching my friends’ kids of the same age over the holidays - having fun, being together, just ‘being’ - was akin to seeing people with their dads after mine died. How do you get back the feeling? What if I can’t? Just suck it up for 5 years of transactional exchanges - ‘give me data and I won’t hit you’ - then be happy when she leaves at 18? It’s too depressing to contemplate.

It's a phase and your goal is not to ruin the real ship ships long term.. I was a terrible terrible teenager and grateful that my mum gave me space and it didn't ruin our relationships.. it got better when I was in my early 20s

A few have picked up on the school refusal. Part of that stems from new friends who frequently refuse. DD has started this only recently and I think it’s to fit in with them rather than because of any issues at school itself. Another part - this is potentially outing - is that her school was partially closed from early November until this week because of RAAC. None of the pupils has been in ‘normally’ for half a term. The other behaviour pre-dated this disruption.

I find they need actually telling when they're being a bullying little arsehole.

@YouJustDoYou Agreed and I’ve done that but to no avail as I deserve it, apparently. She has no answer when asked why.

DD1 gave me hell through her teenage years.
She hated her sister and I. We had ruined her life.
Nothing about her Dad who did very little in bringing her up (we're still and have always been together!)
It was a rocky few years. She's now 23.
TBH I'm still faking it til I make it.
There are some things that take longer to heal.
Our relationship is slowly getting better, but I'm still first in line of she's struggling.
Not sure if I'll ever have the same relationship I have with DD2 but I've kind of come to an acceptance.
There are things I still can't forgive her for saying and I occasionally see moments of that 14 yo.
But I'm less sensitive to them.
I take each and every moment that we spend together as a positive.
TBH as hard as it is to say and hear, and I'm sure I'll get roasted on MN,
some children are harder to love than others.
I absolutely love both my daughters but one I really have to pull from the depths of my heart to say and feel it.

We had this. Years of it. All the services possible involved with no positive outcome. Got to the point where I honestly though DH would take the other DC's and leave.
Our outcome wasn't ideal, she left at 16 1/2. no contact for a long while

Trying to rebuild now, but still wont accept any responsibility for all that happened. It's hard

Thank you for this thread.

@fatandhappy47
I am where you were now...at the 16 and a half and leaving....
It's breaking me to bits.

OP,
I hope you find some peace and happiness. Some children are hard work...no doubt about that

Step back.

If reminding her about PE kit gets you verbal abuse then don't remind her.

Decide which hills you are going to die on and otherwise leave her to it.

Reminding about PE kit would not be one of my hills.

Think about priorities -

Ideally you want her

1 alive. So if anything triggers self harming don't do it
2 not hitting you
So if anything triggers hitting you don't do it.

Education can be caught up on. I know school is important, GCSEs are important etc but she CAN catch up on that.

My DD wound up doing an access course and got to uni that way after spending two years out of full time education.

I wanted to say how sorry I am you are having to deal with this OP. I wanted to give some good advice but realised that what I wanted to write was probably very bad advice.

It seems that all the courses of action that might be recommended to victims of abuse in any other context are themselves considered abusive when you are the parent victim of your own child.

That she spoke of your miscarriages and wishing away a (younger?) sibling is very telling, OP.
At thirteen she's a child - how does she know about your miscarriages? They seem to belong to an adult world, particularly if your child is fragile. Maybe there's blurring between you and your partner (you've not mentioned them) and your daughter.
And the sibling mention shows a feeling of jealousy.
And the following around shows her saying LOOK AT ME!!!
Do you think the Social worker had anything, when she said that with your job and two volunteer roles and a good social life, she feels (rightly or wrongly) that she ISN'T as much as a priority as the surviving sibling and even the lost miscarriages?
You haven't explained your family household, who else is there?

You said this so much better than I could and I feel exactly the same.

Those wounds run deep and we don't recover or forgive. As you say we "fake it till we make it". Only, I probably won't ever make it, so am just faking it like I have for the last 10 years.

NotSuchASmugMarriedAnymore
It was lovely to see your response.
Good to know I'm not alone.

I love my kids equally. But one still choses to make me feel bad/responsible.
But I guess our job is to love them regardless. To have a tougher skin.
Oh to be a child!!!
It's hard work 😞

It broke me
But, the negative impact it had on the other family members was equally as bad. Trying to explain why the police were searching the house, why they had to be spoken to by SS and having to listen to the abuse was awful for them!

OP are you in an area that has a Multisystemic Therapy team? If so your SW can make a referral, this is a typical situation we work with.

http://www.mstuk.org/mst-uk/mst-uk-teams

@LauderSyme Absolutely and problematic. If DH did this, I’d know exactly what to do but she’s a child. A child who is taller than me (I’m 5’7’’) and just as strong with no compunction about hurting people. Or deliberately causing £££s worth of damage.

@Peasnbeans Honestly? She’s had plenty of attention. I only work 3 days. Fully functional DH at home too! Never missed a school assembly etc. Took parental leave in the holidays so she wouldn’t have to go to clubs. Very involved at school. Lots of activities. Trips with just me and her to places. WFH so always there when she leaves and gets home. Social life mainly happened after she was in bed. No, I don’t think the SS team had a good point there.

@Peasnbeans Also, the miscarriages thing. Not talked about in any real way at home. Perhaps a question asked by her during Call The Midwife might have sparked a superficial conversation? The issue is she said it once and saw the impact - it stung - so now it’s said on repeat. Likewise that I’m fat, ugly and disabled. And that my dad deserved to die of cancer and so do I. Once she sees she’s on a winner, it gets repeated. I challenge anyone to stay calmly neutral when hearing those sort of comments.

It doesn't sound like they did, no @Howthehell24 .
But you haven't answered any of the first half of my post - have you always been the 'parent'? Did she make decisions for the family when she was little, or did you bend around her then? Eg. 'We'll have to do X first, as DD doesn't like having to go to the supermarket' , or did you eat different meals as she wouldn't try the food you were making, type of thing?
This isn't to blame, it's to look how far back the issues go, in order to unpick some kind of peaceful way forward.

Who else DOES live in your house? Have they always lived there? Has she older siblings who have now moved out? Have you moved house, has she moved schools etc?

so many of us have been there. If you sense she wants to hurt you with words you need to just repeat a bland response, always the same and move on in your head. She does it to you because she can, you are a safe person to let all this anger and hurt out to. I agree with others it takes time to heal from it all. Elder ds 23 often says about younger ds, you did not let me do these things with friends and i have to not say, well that's because you and your friends were a nightmare and you did not have my trust. You showed us no respect and had no boundaries. It is hard but for us we have come out the other side but sometimes i do catch myself thinking do not say that to ds incase it kicks off but in reality it has not for some time now. It has got better.

Potentially but not sure if the city’s team reaches this suburb…there are various MD teams already involved with various different acronyms. I find it hard to keep up. We have a meeting next week which DD has already declared she won’t attend.

What are CAMHS and GP doing/saying?

@Peasnbeans She was a very biddable child until early 23. Definitely not in charge. Have lived in same house all her life. Nursery, primary and secondary all in walking distance. Been married to DH who is her DF for more than 20 years. Sibling is four years younger and has followed the same childcare/school path. V close knit and safe community.

She refused to go to the GP and the CAMHS referral followed visits by the police. CAHMS say no evidence of treatable mental health condition. She’s just angry. Everyone seems intent on ASD so we’re on that route but it might take 4 years to complete by which time I’ll have got a one way ticket somewhere else.

Hi OP, that sounds so painful and difficult for you. I’m sure this has been considered, but have you looked into pathological demand avoidance? It’s part of the autism spectrum. The reaction that you describe about the PE kit made me think of it.