DS 14 has had sex-i'm quietly freaking out

[Lambbaba281]

What do I do?

He's year 10, been with his GF since the summer. She's 15, he's 15 in a few weeks.

We had LOTS of conversations with him as soon as they started dating, covered every topic including WAITING until they were 16. That part has fallen on deaf ears.

He's told DH that they've done it. He used a condom.

Where do I go from here? It happened under our roof (when dh was at work and I was walking the dog).

I've not said a word, as far as he knows, I don't know anything.

It's so ironic, I'm eye rolling at my past self. He was born with one testicle and another problem which needed corrective surgery when he was younger. I worried myself sick that this would affect his relationships. We did a lot of work on his self confidence, we talked openly and honestly about finding the right person and it not being an issue etc. I now think we went too far.

He's 14!!

It's not abnormal. As long as they're practising safe sex.

Hmm tricky, my first reaction was 15 is way too young, but thinking back to school (in the 2000s not a lifetime ago) it was definitely the norm at 16/17 for people to be having sex (good school in a nice area) so fifteen is just a bit earlier than that, although not ideal.

Those saying ‘ban’ them because they are children, I’m not sure how this practically works? Also when IS it okay to them, 16, 17? Arguably all the reasons they shouldn’t be having sex still apply at those ages.

Parents wishes won't influence whether the CPS prosecute.

What if both sets of parents feel there has been coercion?

The CPS can't prosecute both parties.

A quick look at current research suggests that 3% of 14 year olds have had sex so it is not quite as normal as you are making out. I think it is really sad how people try to normalise children having sex, just because they were at that age. However, once it has happened, other than keep talking about the risks and consent etc, I am not sure there is much you can do to prevent it.

I'd leave it and not do anything. Yes they are young but most teenagers are doing it at that age. He was in his own room, they used a condom and he confided in dh. You said you have had lots of chats, so he should know how to keep safe. I don't think there is a lot you can do tbh. It's better that they are in his room and being safe than outside somewhere not being safe!

Having taught sex ed at secondary schools students have ALOT of misconceptions, not helped by access to incorrect information.

He used protection this time which is great, make sure he knows that sperm can live inside the female body for a week and can result in pregnancy even if they think it's a 'safe' week - that fact always shocks them.

Make sure he knows not only about STIs and STDs and what to look for, but also how they test for them - that often puts them off. Lots of educational videos in line.

There is, but it doesn't apply in this instance. See https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/rape-and-other-offences-against-children-under-13

Teenagers have sex...end of...even yours OP. Nothing changes.

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/teenage-sex-underage-kissing-smoking-drugs-social-media-a8967681.html

That seems to rely on surveys being filled in etc

If I had been asked as a teenager if I was having sex or engaging in sexual activity I would have said no. I also would have been lying.

I first had sex at a very similar age (I had just turned 15) with my boyfriend at the time.
I know it’s not nice (and god forbid how I will deal with this when my kids are this age), but I don’t think any action from you will stop them having sex.
I would focus on making sure they know to use protection to avoid pregnancy/STIs

The cat's out of the bag, so:

• https://www.brook.org.uk/ re contraceptive advice.
• Make sure that he understands the importance of making sure that she genuinely wants the sex and getting unpressured consent from her.
• Make sure that he understands that if the condom fails, he has no say in her options.
• Emphasise the importance of making sure that she enjoys sex too.
• Impress on him that fatherhood is a big deal. I really hope that you would hold him responsible for co-parenting any child.

I love that so many MNers clearly get their legal knowledge about underage sex from sitting on their sofas watching American cop shows.

And then they have the brass balls to spout it out as 'fact' while the whole internet cringes for them. How incredibly embarrassing.

I think that poster is referring to section 5 of that Act which makes consent irrelevant if the child is under 13 so that penetration by a penis, even if "consented" to is rape. The bit about pregnancy is irrelevant.

Here in theory the girl here is older and if they continue having sexual activity once she reaches 16 but he is not then under section 13 she commits the offences in sections 9-12.

Just to point out, the people that 'press charges' (we don't do this in the UK) are the Crown Prosecution service after the police have taken the case and the evidence to them and they then decide whether or not there is a case.

The girls' parents have no say.

What the fuck?

I have no words.

*In what world is it "normal" for two children to be having sex, and to be "in a relationship" ???

They should be focusing on so many things besides sexual/romantic relationships at this age. There is no way their brain development, life experience, socialization, etc., are sufficiently developed to be handling the emotions and practicality of a sex life.

It's the job of parents to nip these "relationships" in the bud before they get to this point, with 14-year-olds FGS.

Just because something isn't against the law doesn't mean it's healthy or right. Laws are written pragmatically; the statutory age is a compromise between what is healthy and what can reasonably be enforced. It's not a guideline for decent parenting. Decent parents would steer their children away from romantic involvement let alone sexual activity.

Just saying "oh well hope they are using condoms" is really lazy and lax. There is no reason to just stand by and let it go on.*

Oh hi, Laurie.

You again. You don't have kids do you?

Plenty of people that think this isn’t acceptable I would bet have got teenagers who have done this at 15.
The difference is he’s told you.
You’ve had great advice, keep communication open and support him. At least it’s not some one night stand and they used protection.

You've got your hands full. OP💐

When your kids start having sex it's a shock. But you've got so much right and so has he.

Keep the channels of communication open.

Statutory Rape....

Pressing Charges....

Judge Judy maybe?

It's not a big deal. I was 14 when I lost my virginity as well. I have never been promiscuous, had an STD, or even had any seriously dysfunctional relationships. I've dated one or two mildly assholish guys but never anyone seriously abusive. I can get why you are worried but he sounds sensible and he used protection. I would rather that my teen was having sex than accessing some of the kinds of porn that kids can get their hands on these days.

I mean there isn’t really much that can be done about it now. I would let your husband take the lead on this one, since your son confided in him. I guess the main thing now is for him to know that he did a great job of being honest about it, and they used protection which is good. He needs to know although it’s not ideal to be having sex so young, if he is going to continue to sleep with his girlfriend, they need to continue to use protection and be safe. And I suppose just let your son know that you guys trust him and that you are there for any questions or advice.

I was 14 when I lost my virginity, in a toilet at (church) youth club. It was unprotected and led to many years of promiscuity. Your son sounds like he has a sensible head on his shoulders and is on a much better path than I was at that age.

I'm in my 50s and was not uncommon for teens to have sex at 15 then... be proud he told you and used protection

Have you told his girlfriends parents op? I would want to know.

It's the job of parents to nip these "relationships" in the bud before they get to this point, with 14-year-olds FGS.

Decent parents would steer their children away from romantic involvement let alone sexual activity.

That there is a guide of how to push your children away so that they never talk about anything ever again to you and don't feel that they can trust you, so that when shit does hit the fan they are facing it alone and scared. For life.

In what world is it "normal" for two children to be having sex, and to be "in a relationship" ???

Earth. There are five US states that have no legal minimum age for marriage as long as the parents or the court consent. There are nations with age of consent as low as 13.

OP needs pragmatic advice here and you've not given it.