Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

I'm sorry I've not been on for a while, so much has been going on and I've hidden away. Right now I can't stop crying and I want this pain to go away. My DS is just so arguementative, he argues with everything I say, he is rude and disrespectful and all I try to do is make him happy. I've said I'd pay (a lot) of money for about 7 of them to have a lovely day out for his birthday (this is on top of a theatre outing he doesn't know about). I'm not sure why I'm bothering to be honest, he's horrible to me. He just slammed a heavy shopping trolley into my legs in one of his usual arguementative tempers, he said he didn't mean to hurt me! I told him to go out for a walk and leave me alone and after more rudeness and shouting from both of us, he's gone, it's been 3 hours. He did this the other day for 9 hours. He didn't take his phone. I'm now left wondering if he's ok, will he get hurt, will he come home. It's all my fault, I guess it's always my fault. If he does come home he'll expect dinner, who knows what time that will be, I'm tired, crying and so miserable and just want to go to sleep. I hate this

Does anyone have any advice, please, on what to do about deliberately violent behaviour? As in real, practical action to stop it or remove a child from the home. Calling the police as we have done multiple times before just brings a halt temporarily. Our teen (13) refuses to engage with the GP or CAMHS or any form of private treatment. She assaults both me and DH multiple times daily. Today I’ve been punched in the head, spat at, threatened with a knife and pulled to the floor by my hair. DH has had keys and a water bottle thrown at him. Our younger child sees all this. I cannot see an end to it and feel helpless. Thank you.

I am so sorry. I really am.

Rest. Take deep breaths. It really is a thankless task.

Again so many sad situations we are all dealing with. I am so sorry to read what you are going through.

There is a facebook group that you can join. It is more common than you think. Its full of advice from supportibe people who have been there.

I am so sorry - no words, just a virtual hug. Tonight I was thinking on the way home from work, I hope I can face whatever tonight brings. Cos I never know.

Reading along. I hope we’re ok,

DD is 18 soon. I have half composed a letter to give to her on her birthday, I don’t know if she’ll appreciate it but it’s a summary of her life, lovely memories and an acknowledgment that she’s growing up but I’ll always be her mum. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

Hey all. Just jumping on for a bit of solidarity. Single mum to dd12 and ds 14. Just brought them away for a short UK break. First morning, they're both up at 6 like toddlers, DD is being an absolute cow, biting everyone's heads off, no doubt will refuse to play with her brother in the pool later, if we pjay a card or board game she's snappy and aggressive. DS is easier going but hesitant for new things so hard to get him out. Honestly, just fuck off back home then. 🙄

Ugh. Been there. Let them have a bit of space maybe? Can you go out for a big walk? Fresh air might do them good,

Well I went out for a big walk..coffee, croissant and sea view. I may or may not go back 😁

Can I ask if you have a rude, aggressive and disrespectful teen, are they respectful and well behaved with other family members? My D's 19 has put me through hell and back with drugs, aggression, drama and various shit. He has been living with my mum the last few months and she hasn't experienced his moods/aggression..I do know he has still been doing drugs (mum oblivious to it). My dad basically told me that I obviously haven't succeeded as a parent and questioned if I love my D's purely because he has been better at my mums. I am so angry and upset by his comments especially when he doesn't know half the shit D's out me through. D's hasn't changed, but he has fallen out with the group he was with. He still does drugs. My mum doesn't ask anything from him, she cleans up all his mess, cooks all his meals.

@Stuckinarut23 I would say 100% ignore your dad's comments. His comments sound totally ignorant. Kids behave very differently with their parents (who they know will love them unconditionally) plus your DS is onto an easy thing with your mum doing everything for him. Of course he's being more pleasant with them.

Thank you I am so, so upset by his comments its the guilt and how I feel myself so for someone to judge me and say it is heartbreaking especially my own dad! I love my D's but he is very emotionally manipulative. He told my dad he thought we have given up on him. We absolutely haven't, but there is only so much we can do to help him if he won't help himself. And surely my dad's cue should have been to tell him of course they do. According to D's if I don't answer my phone straight or lend him money I don't care about him.

I'd be upset by your dad's comments too if it were me, but I definitely think that kids can behave better in a different environment to home. Why would he not behave if your mum is doing everything and he's getting away with what he likes?
I would want to try to make sure that he knew you hadn't given up on him and that you are there for him. Easier said than done though.
I hope you can use the time he's away to heal and bit and maybe rebuild.
Hopefully he'll grow out of it - "he'll grow out of it" is my daily mantra!

Thank you, my mum has been amazing and it has given us some respite. My youngest is sitting his GCSE'S so I have had to support him and keep things calm at home. We have had ds over for dinner, picked up up in the night and I even lay for his gym membership to help with his mental health. The sad truth is I feel we only hear from him when he wants something and if we don't meet his demands he is horrible. I can't have him home if he is aggressive, especially not now but my dad then asked me so you are giving up on him then. My parents just see this lovely boy who is struggling they don't even see the other side which is what has led us to here.

@Newtonianmechanics Hi - hope you’re having a less stressful Easter

These people are fab https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

Teens can be extremely testing - my older 2 are out the other end but my youngest is very tough x

Hey, looking for anyone in a similar situation to me. I have a 13 year old, lovely well behaved boy, no issues with my own child. But his friends are vile! Speak to him like crap and give him a hard time. But he insists they are his friends. Does anyone else really dislike their child's choice of friendship group?

Thanks. We surprisingly have had a nice Easter. I know it won't last but at least it has been peaceful.

Hugs to all.

Oh yes! Mine were the vapers, drink in the park type and my dd thought they were very cool.

Kids can be very cruel to each other.

Sadly I don’t think there’s much you can do about it.

@Stuckinarut23 My DD is the same and most abusive to me at times, also says similar things about me not caring. Which is really hard when you already feel a ton of mum guilt, what helped me recently is what someone said - 'you doing the right thing - it's all noise.' They know you love them deep down, there just trying to make you feel bad. Keep going.

@Stuckinarut23 My DD is the same and most abusive to me at times, also says similar things about me not caring. Which is really hard when you already feel a ton of mum guilt, what helped me recently is what someone said - 'you doing the right thing - it's all noise.' They know you love them deep down, there just trying to make you feel bad. Keep going.

Thank you, the fact he said it to my dad and my dad questioned me is quite upsetting that even he needed to ask. Surely he should be reassuring my son that I do, but obviously things are difficult. Just because he isn't living me doesn't mean I don't care.

Been ridiculously weepy today about DD1's inability/unwillingness to respond to messages. Not sure why I'm so upset. She is coming home next week for a week - I'd have thought I would be happy about that - but I just feel so immeasurably sad. I know she needs to separate and be independent etc but this is next level and it really really hurts. I think part of it, if I'm honest, is self-pity and anger. My own Mum was very difficult, but I persevered with her over the years, and in the end I am glad I did. But sometimes I am so cross that I put all that effort in with someone who was really unkind to me and my sister growing up, and yet my own daughter can't even send an emoji to reply to a message...

can’t sleep. She is going to need me to act as guarantor for her 2nd year rent. Given her lack of comms, and the level of risk involved in being a guarantor I don’t want to do this. We don’t have that much money - I earn a modest salary and my DH is disabled and has a small ill health pension. Can I say no? She hasn’t begun to discuss rent budget with us yet and it is now very late to get reasonable 2nd year accom. I am angry and disappointed/frustrated. But I can see I could legitimately refuse to act as guarantor, to avoid putting our whole family finances at risk.

i have supported everyone since 2011 when DH had to give up work. It has been very hard. I am done. Really don’t understand DD’s behaviour here. We even managed to do a CTF over the years so she has some money. I realise this might cause an even worse rift… but given she isn’t speakimh to us anyway I kind of think that is irrelevant at this point.

I feel broken and wish I had never got married/had kids.

Yep. Moment of middle of the night clarity there. I am not going to act as guarantor. She should have been discussing accom with us months ago so we could have all made a decision we were happy with. She opted out of even the smallest amount of normal comms so I have made a decision in the best interests of the three of us I am most directly responsible for.

She may still be able to get uni accom (unlikely at this late stage) or something where we can pay upfront so no guarantor needed. But everything else is off the table. I am not bankrolling her irresponsibility. Over to her now to sort herself out.