Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

You're a bigger woman than me, Gunga Din. (@Newtonianmechanics )

I am having a really tough time after my little cat was killed by a car right outside our house last week. My eldest is at uni and the 14 and 16 year olds in the house are usual grumpy teens and I feel very upset.

Struggling at work and I have decided I am going to see my eldest at uni this weekend (she suggested it). Thank god I have the option. Realised how difficult it is being in a house where communication is minimal and my little pet made all the difference to my mental health...

Had nearly zero sleep worrying about youngest teen displaying erratic behaviour after casually telling me her boyfriend of 9 mnths was too busy to see her this week and any attempt to ask if anything was ok was met with disdain (stop asking/everything is fine). I am probably exhausted and overthinking everything. Roll on thr weekend!

Sorry to hear about your cat @Travelban - they make such a huge difference. DS (13) is animal obsessed and I am sure if keeps her on the straight and narrow. I plan to enable her habit for a long time to come. I just wish DS (15) would have similar passion for anything other than gaming.

We went to a careers fair on Saturday which he described as "eye opening" for the amount of apprenticeships on offer and the crazy money available at 16! Still no idea how he will do at GCSEs and I can't imagine him ever leaving home. How do we get past the fact that he is so crap at waking up to low glucose alarms that he is unsafe to stay away from home (T1 diabetic)?

libre have you looked into hypohounds?

Hoping I've maybe found some people to relate with here 🤞🏼

12.5 year old so nearly a teen, generally pretty well behaved although always has had a bit of attitude and strong will but does stick in at school/hobbies etc. I try to pick my battles and say yes to most things so that when I do say no, I mean no.

But in the last week it's like someone has flicked a switch. She argues and makes smart remarks about everything I say. Doesn't want to revise cos 'no one else does' I'm worried Iv ended up with a spoiled brat who is only happy when things go her way. Have ended up putting permanent screen time off on her phone as a 'punishment' and have have threatened grounding from some social things which is totally not the right way to deal with it but what are 'natural consequences at this stage? What works best? Someone help a lost, tired mama here. Where's the handbook?! 😭

Sorry that was a rant that I needed to get off my chest! Does parenting get other people down? Like I feel physically and emotionally drained 😫

Yes, it’s a tightrope walk my friend! You have our sympathies!

@Onemorefortheroad I don’t feel like I am an expert at all, but I would say the next few years will be easier if you lay off the punishments and try connecting whenever you see an opportunity to do so.

Aim to understand what it is like to be her, the pressures of social media, appearances, friendship group troubles, teachers, vaping, schoolwork. All these things can make teens super cranky and it all goes on without us knowing anything about it - unless we show some genuine (and non-judgmental) interest. And they won’t ever talk if they think there is a punishment around the corner.

I have got a lot of things wrong in my time as a parent, but my kids do talk to me about what is bugging them, and we do get on well.

A “natural consequence” might be she throws her phone, cracks the screen and has to earn the money to get it replaced. Meantime = no phone for a couple of weeks. Or no homework = detention. Or being rude to you means you no longer want to give her a lift somewhere. Good luck - teen parenting is the hardest thing.

Oh yes I have aged 100 years in the last three years. I am haggered.

Thanks for being gentle with this newbie!

All of what @Mumofteens4892 is so true and this is 100% my approach normally and I totally agree about trying to stay connected. When I posted this (was it last night or night before I have lost track 🤪) it was at the worst possible time as I was losing the rag.
We had a good long chat about behaviours, (on both our sides I may add) and how we both could handle things better. We often have really good chats and I want to be her safe space where she knows she can relax and just be loved. I guess it's going to be a bumpy old ride from here...!

I am feeling at an all time low regarding my relationship with my now 18 yr DD. She is horrible, out of control, swears at me daily, doesn't go to school, unsuitable boyfriend, smokes in the house, no respect for anyone or anything. It has destroyed me. I cry daily. I want to run away daily and not look back. It is horrific and I fear for my mental health. Evey interaction is a row. I have got into a terrible pattern and I physically feel sick when I come home and I know she is there. She is abusive and totally nasty. This is my very much loved daughter I am talking about 😭😭. I don't know what to do but I am desperate.
I am ranting but no one in RL gets it. They think I am exaggerating but I am not. She has driven me to the brink and she loves that she has done this to me !

Oh @belge2 i know where you’re coming from. No answers but solidarity.

I feel a bit better today- probably because I haven't yet seen my daughter and I imagine she won't get out of bed til the afternoon. Trying to go about my day and do little things to make ME happy and sod the rest of the family. Parenting teens/ young adults is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. Who knew when you had that gorgeous bundle of joy home from the hospital, it would end like this!! I her 2 other older boys who are mostly great. So I need to keep counting my blessings and hope one day my daughter will revert to being a human again !

Absolutely. It is awful how things change.

I have asked dd if she wants to go for breakfast. She slept at a mates house last night. Just ignored me. If she does reply it will be a no. So will just do something for me instead.

Aw I hear you @belge2 it's like there's no escape isnt it?! Feeling anxious in your own home is hard. I'm trying to use mindfulness to help. Thinking of you.

Hoping to pass on something helpful to other teen mums here. My daughter (13) just told me about an app she wants to download - we are luna - i think. I had a look and its actually really good for a teen health and wellbeing. Covers all the topics and run by Drs so no user generated content or anything. I bought her the premium upgrade to try and she loves it - would recommend.

oh awesome, thats great that your school has recommended it - makes me feel even happier with my decision!
so basically, they seem to cover all the "awkward topics" but actually in a non-patronising way and seems really relevant to teens. my daughter got her period at school and wasn't prepared for it (feel bad that I wasn't on top of this 😔) and the app has loads of helpful content created by experts but they can also ask questions anonymously and get a real answer from the Drs. she has showed me one or two of the questions and answers and they do give some really helpful advice - I'm learning lots even as a 40 y.o.!!😂
so yeah, seems really great to know that she has a place to go and ask questions (if she doesn't want to ask me) and its actually helped with us communicating more too

So DD1 is still being uncommunicative. We did eventually manage to speak w her last week - and it was ok, but she is still being ridiculously casual about accommodation/job for second year at uni. Anyway, I've backed off a bit about it, trying to trust her to sort things out - though it's really hard to do.

So, this might seem like a stupid thing to whinge about though but she's totally ignoring my messages again. I sent her some Easter eggs, to a local post office (because she claims she never got the pre-Christmas parcel I sent, which eventually came back here)... and she's not replied to any messages about it, and I've now had a reminder that it needs to be collected by Friday or it will come back to me.

She is doing a Humanities degree FFS so I know her timetable isn't exactly hectic - so she could have made time to go and fetch it. It was just a little thing - something cheery (like the Christmas one). WHY is she being so rude? Dismissive? Would you see it as rude? Or am I over-reacting?

I hear you. There's no real effective help is there? It's heartbreaking and you feel so isolated and ashamed. I hate being a parent and treading on eggshells all the time.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I have just found this after commenting on the original threat in Oct 22. I was struggling with my son and got some brilliant support and advice. Not long after that (Jan 23) he left after a particularly bad argument. It was a relief to be honest after 2 years of hell. After about a month we started to communicate again and slowly built a few bridges. 6 months later he asked to come home for a few weeks as his rental sold up. We were all nervous and reluctant but we let him back. And... he is still home, respectful, kind and appreciative of us and what we give him. It's been a long slow path and it's not perfect (he is so messy!) but we are ok. I'm not posting this to gloat, I want to give everyone some hope that they sometimes
do grow out of it. I thought our relationship was gone completely but it wasn't. It's different, I think I am sometimes still a bit wary to open myself up to him emotionally. Thanks to everyone for all the support and advice along the way and hang on in there

@BorryMum I only posted the other week that this is the kind of story I want to hear - it does give us hope. Thank you for coming back to post on here!!

No problem @duvet we had running away, total disregard for rules and horrible verbal and physical issues and I honestly thought we would never get through it. He actually admitted that when he left it hit him hard what he had done and realised how good he had been treated. I hope things go the same way for you and everyone else. When you are in the middle of it, it seems never ending and I still can't believe it worked out ok.

@Ralphiesaurus sympathies! I have a ds in the 2nd yr at uni who is dreadful at acknowledging all the lovely thoughtful things I do for him and send him.
i know deep down he does appreciate it, and tells friends how great I am etc, it’s just that his life gets in the way of little things like communicating with his mother 200miles away…
hopefully you’ll get it back when she chooses a nicer care home for you!