Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

I think that's going to be a hard lesson @Ralphiesaurus but it's also a very necessary one. Really do. I know some children grow up more slowly than others but at this stage, natural consequences need to ensue. The safety net of mum and dad is still there, but it's time she took over responsibility for the beginnings of building her own net imo

@@Stuckinarut23 I can't have him home if he is aggressive, especially not now but my dad then asked me so you are giving up on him then.

I've had the same from my ex-H. Plus a long lecture from him.

I had said that my eldest (autistic) son could not live with me any more because of the aggression and utter lack of communication (before anyone says 'but autism', he's perfectly capable of communicating very very well when he wants to). I'm afraid to say No to him and I'm afraid that if we end up having a row he will get physical with me again. (I know so many posters on this thread have more active violence from their children :( )

Ex's comment and the surrounding lecture has actually destroyed the last of the communication between us. He said he was trying to be helpful - helpful would have been saying son could stay with him and talking to him about a modicum of respect. A lecture on not 'discarding' my child, from a man who's literally hit him hard on the back of the head and driven him into a screaming meltdown by following him round the house shouting at him, was not welcome.

At the moment oldest son is home and things are going much, much better mostly, but the sting and the damage remains from ex-H's comment. And I'm still afraid of oldest son.

Found out what's going on and it's way worse than I even began to imagine. She's not left the flat in days. Skipped exams and is on special measures because of a mental health crisis. My other daughter told me... I might see if I can get some time off work and go up

Hugs to you, @Ralphiesaurus . It's so hard for both you and your daughter.

Hugs to you all.

this parenting of (some) teens is certainly not be for the faint of heart ….

@Ralphiesaurus oh no ... so that's the explanation. Sorry, my advice was totally off :(

it sounds like she really needs help, now. I hope you can get the time off.

Have got time off tomorrow and Monday. Need to be at work today because I'm covering for another colleague and also have a new starter. Contacted uni but they can't say or do anything unless she gives them permission. Am going up tomorrow but she can refuse to see me so...

Have looked into stuff like repeating a year etc so I know there are possibilities for her, but kind of think she may have made her mind up to cut us off. And it breaks my heart. Can't stop crying. Trying to hold it together for work...

Oh @Ralphiesaurus ...

Is it possible that the extreme slowness in trying to sort herself out at uni was a sign that something deeper was wrong? Clearly she's in a deep pit at the moment. Could this have been, in retrospect, an indicator?

If she is distancing herself from you, does she have a loving and trusted adult outside the family? Could they step in or reach out to her or step in? I know when I was young I talked more to someone who was like a grandad than to my own father (mind you my father wasn't exactly loving in my teens).

I've taken a fair bit of advice about how to parent and what is clear is that sometimes no matter how loving and good a mum is, the child can sometimes not respond to them.

Remember to look after yourself too, lovely.

It certainly isn't.

I am so sorry. I hope once she sees you she will communicate with youS

I'm not sure she will see me. Hasn't replied to any of mine or my husband's messages. And nothing from uni so she obvs hasn't given them permission to contact us. I have decided not to try this eve as didn't sleep well at all last night and won't arrive til lateish so prob not at my most robust emotionally. Will try to catch up with her tomorrow.

Good idea to sleep on it and try tomorrow.

So... I saw her!!! She called me while I was on the train and was mega apologetic about all the stress she's caused by being out of contact. So so so so so relieved. Anything is fixable as long as she communicates.

I am very glad to hear this update, @Ralphiesaurus . Keep going.

Amazing news.

That's super news.

I hope that when you get there she can tell you everything and you can help :)

@Ralphiesaurus how is it going, if I may ask?

Worried today about the mental health of my DD16 (GCSEs). I just feel like I don’t know what’s really going on in her head. She’s high, low, upset, happy…
spends too much time on her phone… studies (I think?) but just doesn’t really communicate. Am giving her space and trying to chat when we have little pockets of time together, but I worry constantly about the online world she has access to that I can’t see. Anyone else??

@Onceuponatime46 have you tried gently telling her about your concern? Not accusing her, just explaining how us mums worry. Just remind her that you are always there for her if she needs a bit of support.

So a quick update... she is now back home with us (this was originally planned - a week's break here - but having not heard from her for so long I was panicking last week, hence going up as well). Anyway... she's sort-of communicating but it's all surface, if that makes sense. I am aware that though we've made contact I still don't really know what she's doing/planning to get back on track, or who is helping/supporting her at the uni. I am still very worried.

In particular I'm worried we will have a pleasant few days here and then she'll go back to uni and nothing will change ahead of the end of the semester (end May when her accommodation contract also ends). She needs to catch up w some assignments, do some exam resits (well sit them for the first time), find accommodation for next year, and get a p/t job for the summer... 😮Basically everything. I can see why she was overwhelmed and I don't want to make it worse, but at the same time things can't go on as they are...

It's great to be back in touch, but I can't see any concrete plans for anything to change at the moment.

On my god, please some tlc here.

Bloody eldest is 16 and has been bossy me around since she was old enough to talk - she is very bright but literally talks to me like I’m shit. Total shit. 3 weeks to tidy her room, a walking challenge and write up her EPQ - none of them have been done. Washing machine broken so 4 inches of floor over all the back of the house. Youngest thought this is hilarious. I’ve hit the wall with a huge dent of side of the car and I banged the kettle so hard I broke it. Single parent as well and no money this month I just broken by the two of them - just absolute fuckers and Piss takers both of their rooms are total shit and both wear headphones and can’t listen to me but can argue over the colour of the sky with each other. I had an abusive father who spoke to me like shit before we went no contact - she makes me feel the same - she literally sneers at me and tells me I’m doing it wrong and that wrong all day long. It’s making bloody ill. this was my holiday too 2 weeks of crap from her and no epq done and no walking and no tidy bedroom. Wants the point. If I shout she might eventually say sorry but it lasts for 10 minutes and then she’s t me again - what is the point of my life ?

@Ralphiesaurus just seen your post. I'm glad she's home and safe.

It sounds like she feels completely and totally overwhelmed. If I may offer some advice, it may be that she needs some help for a time with the practicalities. Certainly it sounds like she needs considerable emotional help. If she is overwhelmed, then looking for new accommodation may be beyond her at the moment.

I really hope you and she can find a way forward.

@Rocksonabeach it sounds absolutely horrendous. You can't possibly relax or feel safe in your own home when you're surrounded by that!

No real advice I'm sorry that you haven't heard before but just to say - every sympathy.

I’ve just gone nuts at both of them. Totally nuts - I’ve done a botch repair job on the kettle so I can make tea. Thank fuck but after 5 hours the washing machine drum is spinning again and not leaking - my hands are cut to shreds and covered on oil but actually a load is on and spinning and apart from me using YouTube and dealing with kids I’ve done it myself and put a new belt on! I had a spare one so it was nothing.

Both kids have been banished to their rooms / I’m sick of the eldest screaming at me when someone dares to knock so she’s on her last warning and then I’m taking a bloody door off. She wants privacy she can go in the bathroom and if she keeps going on the toilet and locking the door just to sit on her phone - her phone will stay in the phone jail where ot currently is. Utility room floor is drying and has had a deep clean. At least I have a tumble dryer and car insurance.

I know she’s a good kid but 3 ASD of us on one house is always going to be hard core- all of us have different SEN. I’m recovering from long rooted trauma and I’m a high functioning autistic. Eldest is high functioning autistic with social issues and other child is autistic with other SEN issues auditory processing, auditory understanding etc so can’t read emotions so I know he thought the utility room flooding was bloody funny but it really wasn’t ….. I’m so sick of this EPQ the bloody thing is that I know she will get it handed in Monday and get an A * - her teacher says it was the best looking draft she’d ever seen and she marked one at 49/50 and daughter is aiming for 50/50 and she’s finally applied for all her work experience etc and I know she doesn’t drink, smoke, sex nothing like that as she is socially anxious but she’s very difficult to manage as she always knows bloody best. Doesn’t help I’m her teacher at school either - I don’t get a break - I see her every day at school and she’s in my lessons etc

And breathe….

Do you think other mammals like elephants have this?

My oldest is autistic too, and the youngest is right on the line. It's hard work, it has to be said.

Being her teacher as well as her parent sounds awful.

Actually about elephants, it's been found that young males in a group are terribly behaved. They need to be part of a matriarchal group whose matriarch keeps them in line then they're nicer!