Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Thank you for the thanks. Appreciated and means a lot. I am so grateful for this thread.
Hugs to anyone going through this awful stage.

I wish I lived closer to you, we could have a good cry together. And a bottle of wine. After the usual drama this evening I just had to leave the house and went for a tramp around the local cemetery with the dog. It just gets so mentally exhausting.

Sympathy ans thanks to everyone on this thread. Makes such a difference to know I’m not alone.

so… yesterday was 10 days since I delegated 2nd year uni flat hunting to my (D)H to follow up with DD1. I hadn’t heard anything so was getting worried again, so asked him yesterday. He has texted her, once.

FFS

I may have lost my temper at that point. Did he not realise that parents (ie me, as the earner) have to guarantee private rental? So if she ends up with something exhorbitantly expensive because she’s left it very late, WE will be required to pay, once we have signed a contract? I said I’m not prepared to stand as guarantor unless she has a p/t job. He accused me of being cold and heartless - like my mother. Which was very low, as he knows my mother was completely devoid of warmth and is a whole separate story.

Not sure what to do tbh.

it will end up being me fixing this situation, which helps nobody become less codependent.

I may have said that uni is a luxury, not a right, and if she can’t afford it because she hasn’t found work or at least tried to find a decent flat, that’s not my problem.

all kinds of issues ongoing between me and (D)H I am aware may be clouding my judgement here. I have supported him since he gave up work in 2011 (our youngest was 3) and it’s been bloody hard.

Anyway, I am NOT going to fund this. DD1 needs to step up… as does he!!

Aw man

want to move in with me, I’ll take care of you and take the pressure off x

I’ve been reading along. Been quite ish here . DD her usual snarky arrogant self but nothing major. However against my better judgment I decided to blitz her room. It was rank. Her bin contained used sanitary towels ffs. Wrapped but still….had to have been there least a week. Plus dirty plates and cups.

this is not just mess it’s self neglect! She’s so obsessed with her appearance, spends a fortune on skincare and always in shower. Yet dumps her bloody pads in a bin as no leaves then there. Disgusting.

i want to tell her this but it will end in a row. So trying to find a way that is least explosive. I do actually want to scream at her. Wwyd?

I know what you mean. Walking on egg shells. You want to explode so that won't help either. So you end up stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I’m ashamed to say I just don’t pick the fight - I empty the similarly skanky bin contents and let it go. But only to avoid the fight. You can’t reason with a bear . Sigh. sympathies.

So quick update - tried more messages (left on read), then a voicemail (unanswered). DH and I are going to try to call this eve again... think she might currently be talking to DD2 (who expressed concern at dinner that DD1 has been posting "dark" things on TikTok recently - not sure whether to worry about that or be relieved this is actually more normal teenage behaviour!). Anyway bottom line is we need to get her moving, accommodation-wise. I've realised I don't entirely need to panic about the money because if she needs me to act as guarantor and I see the rent is too high, I just won't sign. (And I also discovered earlier today there's such a thing as guarantor insurance, for joint-and-severally-liable rental contracts, so I also wouldn't end up paying her flatmate(s) rent if they default... although afaik she doesn't currently have any flatmate(s) for next year in any case.

(and yes, fwiw, I would empty the skanky bin too...)

I told her in a calm measured way that it was not acceptable to leave her bin like that. It went as well as you’d expect. That is..as bad as you’d think. The sensible response would be ‘oh god yes, sorry’ and it would end but no….it was ‘how dare you go in my room’ rage. (even though I said I was going in to hoover.

shes so arrogant. Honestly cannot stand her at the moment. She’s really not nice. Awful to say about your child but this is where we are. I have no idea what to do.

(She’s 18 in June btw so I had hoped things would be improving by now. Nope.)

I don’t understand how we got here, @Bobsledgirl In particular, I find it difficult when fb posts those “memories” and there are my lovely smiling girls… just a few short years ago. I know with our eldest it was partly getting a smartphone that started the decline… could we have been the lone voices saying “no” at that point? Could we have taken the phone away? We just didn’t realise how damaging all that online time would be, which sounds stupid now. It just compounded that looking inwards thing that adolescents need to go through… but ramped it up.

I don’t know. Am looking for explanations, but am so sad at the moment. Am hoping it is a phase and we will weather it and come out the other side, but it’s hard to stay positive and hopeful when she is so consistently cutting me out. My DH says it’s not deliberate but I think he is wrong. I feel I have failed as a parent. Mother’s Day today and DH tried to get both girls to at least do cards for me, which the younger one has done, but I heard via her last night that the older one has got me a card and gift but not posted it because “she doesn’t know where the depot is”. What???

Anyway cards aren’t the thing. I’d much rather have a relationship obviously.

What I don’t get is how it’s seen as ok to be so disrespectful. Even when I was in the throes of late adolescent/early adulthood stupidity (and I have tales to tell) and found my mother really difficult, we stayed in touch. There wasn’t this complete cutting off/ignoring, even though I had to go to the end of the road to a payphone!

So sad. Trying not to despair really. Need to keep going for DD2 and my DH but can’t help wondering what’s the point.

Hugs on mother's day and I hope it's an enjoyable one for everyone. My eldest is at uni but I know she has sent something although it might be late.

I found an old poem that my 16 uear old DS2 wrote to me when he was 8... it was so sweet... so I asked them all if for mother's day they would write me a poem. Can't wait to see what they came up with but I heard them all laughing and joking about how 'crap' theirs was and getting each other to 'review' how bad they were.

Seems to have lightened the mood so maybe someone can steal that idea!

I am not expecting much else today but we are doing mother's day brunch as DD2 and DS1 are busy this pm and couldn't squeeze much else in!

I resonate with the looking back at the old happy childhood phase.

I don't know what I would do differently maybe it would have happened no matter what we did.

Happy Mothers Day to all of us! Sending ❤️ to all the wonderful, strong, under-appreciated mums. I don’t expect a thing from my kids or my husband today.

But I will carry on trudging on, doing what I hope is the best thing in each and every moment. Trying to let the criticism and general disrespect wash off me. I want “teenage” to fast-forward, I’m not really enjoying this at all 😞.

My husband has got the kids to write a card. It was his birthday recently and they all wrote him a gushing affair. I’m dreading reading mine.

Well I have had a text ' Happy Mother's day'

Guess it's something.

Happy Mother's Day everyone.

Neither of mine have surfaced yet. Usual flowers organised by DH (I am such a grump but they annoy me - performative big and from him not them.)

They're teens, so what do I expect.

I was only four years older than my eldest when my DM died - I know that's not on them but it makes it that much harder to deal with teenage self-absorption. Probably because I was like that too...

I have had nothing. I told DH not to get involved. It’s up to them. They are old enough and have money. DS went straight out to the gym at 9 and DD left for her Sunday job without saying a word. Happy bloody Mother’s Day! I only wanted a card at least.

I'm not sure how to react to this latest snub. Take it as normal teen stuff? Is it? Thoughtless? Might just go on strike today.

It is just another thing isn't it. Expected but still hurts.

We were going to go out for breakfast but she is too tired. Standard!
Saved me money at least.

2 out of 3 ain’t bad.

recognition from 2 of the teens

the third has not acknowledged - despite being asked to by her dad.

whats more interesting is that I don’t actually care! Had resigned myself to it 🥹

anyway happy Mother’s Day to you all - from this home to yours! Let’s not give up - this too shall pass 😬😃

I feel like this could be my thread. DD is 15 and I have spent all of today with a sore head and puffy face after an evening of crying last night.
She hates us, she lies, she's nasty I just don't know what to do. She's also self harming which makes the behaviour tricky to deal with.

Animals are superb therapy! Nature in general is fantastic x

@Aworldofmyown Hey ... every sympathy. Not sure I have many more words on a monday morning but just to send some moral support.

Thank you danceswithducks

This is where I am at. Going hard doesn't work. Natural consequences are the way forward. Parenting our teens aren't like the straight forward kids you see on mumsnet:

Dd will fail her GCSEs. Me nagging and punishing made it worse. I have backed off. Will encourage now and then. She fails. She will have to resit. I won't even say I told you so.