Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

DD17 refusal to go to CAMHS assessments so they discharged - college suspect ADHD, so far 4 GP appointments cancelled by surgery and another one booked - DD very bright but even more disorganised and verbally abusive. Room absolutely off the scale in terms of mess - I regularly tidy as we had a house fire that started in there 3 years ago ‘cause unknown’

She scraped reasonable GCSEs in spite of average 23% attendance - dropped out of one sixth form college last year - constant pissing about and lack of work, now at another college and similar will happen I suspect.

She has just starting dabbling with mdma and I suspect selling it to a small group of posh friends who have less to lose - I am single parent, age 53 working 48 hrs per week in Healthcare, Dad has never paid maintenance and I finance everything with difficulty - she has no job - social housing etc.

She has had so much support, colleges have bent over backwards, I run around like a headless chicken.

She is my youngest, I have parented for 26 years and I am currently looking at transferring to a one bed flat and sending her to her Father’s - enough is enough! Solidarity to all - my oldest two are largely ok now but I am finished.

Gosh, this sounds so tough @Chicca1970. You sound incredible as a mother. More power to you, I hope it's the wake up call she needs. As parenting goes, it's sounds like you've done more than your fare share -by a country mile.

@MackenCheese the thing is I will always support but I just can’t manage it at such close quarters anymore 😫

Yeah that is tough @Chicca1970 ! DD18 has ADHD so can relate to the messiness & high risk actvities! You expect your home to be a safe haven of relaxation not somewhere you feel on edge most of the time! I enjoy work for the distraction at the moment!

@duvet - God yes! Work provides me with freedom and peace of mind and getting appreciation from people for the things I do - I always feel ineffective and useless at home - I’m with you 🤗🤗

I'm ready for my weekly dose of positive stories from parents who've come out the other side & how things did get better!! There should be a mumsnet thread of those!

Actually duvet you’re right 😃 shall we start one ❤️

I wish I could be the one writing one! Right now I'm crying my eyes wishing things weren't this way. Amongst other things this week DD told me she's going to find someone to have sex with so that she can say that she's done it, she knows that's not a good reason but she doesnt care & she has condoms!! What am I sposed to say to that, anything I say is wrong!!

I get it I really do. Hugs.

I get it too.

I am so bored of being hands off and restrained! All ds does is school and watch tv. All those years of music, theatre, sport- he's like an empty shell! So depressing to live with.
Was on a 'survive the teen years' thread 5 years ago. This has gone on too long.

Hugs

My teen is 18 in May. When will she grow out of this? Is this why they all go to university? To give their parents a break?

latest is she’s planning a holiday to Greece with a college friend. That’s normal I know but what concerns me is I don’t know this friend. She lives miles away so never met her. Feels weird that DD is off on holiday with a complete stranger to me.

If feel the same!

DD said yesterday she thought she’d do an apprenticeship instead of university… fine but how does that enable you to leave home??

DD1 (18) is in first year at uni and has done nothing yet to sort accommodation for next year (she's in a v popular city where inexpensive accom is almost impossible to get, so it's really important to look early - and she knows this), and still hasn't found a p/t job (which will be much needed to pay for aforementioned private accom - uni only guarantees spaces for first years so she'll have to go private - next year).

Was going mad with stress, worrying about (a) what if she can't find accom at all (!!) and (b) what if she can, but it's beyond budget and she expects us to find random money above what we're already contributing? (Single income family as my DH is disabled so the answer is "no" there...)

But I had a bit of an epiphany. DH is physically disabled but mentally able - so I've asked him to liaise with her about the accom while I'm working. I couched it that "I get too stressed to be useful to anyone about it". But now I'm finding it almost impossible not to ask what's happening (nothing, nada, zilch)... they are both so laid back it's maddening.

I need to let it goooooo

Other DD (15) wafts in and out in a miasma of perfume and eyelashes, occasionally deigning to speak but more often than just telling us both how everything we do/say is wrong...

WHY did I have children again?

aw man, not easy 😬

sympathies!

seconded, every sympathy.

How are you all?

surviving I hope!

Have decided to stick with it OP - sending her to her Dad’s would not help - he is a complete waste of space - so encouraging her attendance at college and doing a lot of quiet continued support and grey rocking when she is hideous.

On a positive note, DD21 awful between 13 and 17, drugs, heinous mates, drama of every sort, running away - now in final year of Law degree with lovely boyfriend. I am a single parent on a relatively low income and she worked and saved about 20k the year before she went to uni - we still occasionally battle but if someone had told me she would have turned out so well when she was 15 I would have laughed hysterically in their face.

Another positive, DS26 heavily into coke and weed before he went to music school, psychosis and sectioned - the whole experience was sobering and horrendous, then messing around with explosives and in prison during Covid - I am not making this up - I’ve been there, done it and got the t-shirt I kid you not - then found ‘not guilty’ (just fireworks), came out and has been sober, works and competes at a high level in jujitsu - weed can be extremely dangerous, most come out of it unscathed but ‘harmless’ it is not - he was bright and constantly rowed with me about its effects - he learned the hard way and luckily has come through this never wanting to do drugs again.

Strength to all parents of teens - the experience of raising them can be immensely stressful and I wish you all well - rest assured, most of the time they learn & improve xxx

Thanks for this. I am glad to hear that things can improve. Bet it was horrific to go through.
I hope my 15 dd comes through it because right now I can't see it.

I salute you x well done for bearing with !!!!

I too thank you for your post and the hope it brings. Drugs are a big worry in our situation and it terrifies me because I can’t see how it will work out well. But your post of your DD living a better life after 17 helps. Good luck with it all

My dogs have kept me sane through all of this teen drama. Not sure I would still be here if it wasn't for them.

Yes my dog is my lifeline. Loves me unconditionally and I have to exercise him regularly so gets me out of house and away from the chaos every day.