Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

My lovely, kind, funny and loyal 18 today DD over the last month has had a horrendous experience with being cancelled from her friendship group (around 10 local college kids) for a misjudged joke, reinterpreted via malicious rumour spreading, which has led to her being taken off all group chats, social media etc, blanking her at college, and spreading to her other friends outside the main group. Usually social, chatty and funny, and up until this point pretty popular, she has become very withdrawn and is frequently in tears. Today is her 18th birthday, and she has cancelled her birthday celebrations. Please tell me this will get better. My heart is breaking for her.

welcome xx

@Canileavenow oh no, your poor daughter. How absolutely horrible for her, and you.

Is there any chance at all the college can get involved? This is just cruel, and bullying.

All this came from one joke?

It seems I have found my people!

@DancesWithDucks thank you and yes, I am thinking I will go to the college, especially as one of the group has my DD’s deposit money for a holiday they were all planning on the summer. She’s asked for it back several times but so far nothing has been forthcoming.

I'm at the end of my tether and feeling I'm doing a terrible job. DD14 suffers from anxiety and I suspect a bit of hormonal-induced depression. I try to talk to her and help her, yet she just bites my head off. Her behaviour in school is exemplary, and she's also lovely to her friends - the snappiness seems to get saved up just for me.

Yesterday she laid around in bed all day, except for when I took her out to get her lashes done (at my expense). When we got home she again was snapping at me, when I asked her what's wrong and why she was in a mood I got my head bitten off. I ended up saying "don't ask for friends round or a lift anywhere until you sort your attitude out". I also stopped her pocket money that would normally transfer friday morning. Baring in mind this may cut her off socially a bit, is this fair of me? I'm just absolutely sick of being spoken to like a second rate citizen in my own home. I try to help her, I generally do all sorts to try and facilitate a good social life for her but I can't take having my head bitten off any more 😖

I’m exactly the same

there’s only so much excusing their bad behaviour you feel you can do before it feels counterproductive for rewarding their vitriol

im finding it perplexing, crushing and I want to seriously run far far far away to let someone better at adulting cope with this unknown entity

because I’m not coping with it

then I gaslight myself and think is this me?

I am menopausal

and I haven’t always had great mental heal th

But she is just mean and it is hard to manage !

my sympathies are with you xx

@Canileavenow I hope you get the money back. Your daughter must be suffering so much now though. I hope the suggestion isn't irritating, but is it worth trying to get her and her ex-friends to sit down with a sort of mediation? To be so ostracised is utterly devastating and may well have long term effects if it can't be resolved.

I’ve had an awful few days. On Friday my 14 yo DS practically threw himself into the car footwell to avoid someone from school seeing him. We’d stopped at the lights. He’s embarrassed because I’m ’an older mum’,

Today I had words with DD and DH totally undermined me. He suggested I was ‘picking a fight’. He can think what he likes but don’t bloody say that in front of her. When I’m trying to deal with her negativity. And I wasn’t picking a fight. Just tired of one word answers at the dinner table. He’s all for an easy life. I called her out on it because it’s rude.

When she’s in, DD is in her room 24/7. I just don’t see her. I go in her room to say something and she won’t even look at me. She tells me nothing of her life. I don’t know any of her friends. I never get a kind word or a hug.

Its been a very bad day and I feel very unloved. Pathetic I know.

Pathetic or not, I feel exactly the Same, exactly x

Can I join?
Dd 15 had a period of intense anxiety and intrusive thoughts/ panic attacks a year ago. She recovered and was doing great but has relapsed just before GCSEs. I'm so heart broken for her.
I have got her a councelling session fortnightly. Hoping that helps.

@malificent7 I am in a very similar position. It is breaking me. DD15 just refuses to go to school some days and is really really low. I have no idea how either of us are going to get through the next few months.

I think there is so much pressire for them st this age. I found it hard when I was a teen.

Same here. Dd is failing all GCSES. She had major anxiety but also won't even try.

I feel college will be more of the same.

Hugs to all. Its soul destroying.

Had a very bad few days. DD 18 is being unbearably abusive and disrespectful. She's still at school but not going much I believe .... Has a nightmare boyfriend who the main part of the problem. He lies to us all the time and is bad news. She wants to move in with him but she can't afford it and I refuse to enable her behaviour. I fear our relationship is so utterly broken that she will leave and I will never see her again. I do not want her moving in with him as he's a very bad influence and she'll probably end up pregnant!
I am just ranting I know but it is super stressful.

Rant away

this parenting malarkey can feel like walking a tightrope with burning coals underneath - I fight fear all the time and the (self) blame game is real x

How are you all?

Touchwood been ok last few days. I suspect things going well in friendship group. Pits her in a good mood.

Aaahghhhh!!! Can I just rant? 14 yo DS. Typical spending all of his time in his room etc, bring dragged to the table to do the significant amount of half term homework he has (he's Y10 so GCSE). His grades are currently almost all 2/3 so basically failing but apparently "it'll be fine, stop worrying". Plus he WILL NOT stop just helping himself to food that is not for him ..a particular cereal that is the ONLY one DD likes,, that I told him when he headed downstairs today, dont eat that. I found the empty box. I went bananas and threw it at him. How the fuck do we live in a house with someone absolutely no respect for anyone else's things? I'm certain he's stolen money before that's been left on a shelf but couldn't "prove" it. I'm a SP and his dad and I do not co-parent well. In theory he is very strict and tough but in practice, nothing actually happens on the occasional weekend he seems him.

Rant away! My DS 16 is the same. Waits until I go up to bed and then starts raiding the kitchen. If only I could lock the fridge.😟

Off topic, I'm also writing and rewriting letters in my head to the LA who are threatening fines, actually the latest letter says they WILL fine me over his poor school attendance, even though he has an EHCP. I feel like saying "if you want to fight me over this, then game on".

I hear you ladies. I’m about to pick up my daughter who I know will be vile towards me, but I’m worried about her so intend to pick her up and face the wrath regardless.

well, son is now furious with me. He fancied a day off school, so he didn't go. Didn't tell me. I said I wasn't covering for him, so now he's really angry that he'll get detention all next week.

He thinks that he can go to school as and when he pleases, and he's clearly already failed his Diploma, the absolutely essential qualification here for 16yos.

Eugh

that’s hard

im sorry

At this point, Im taking a step back. I can't force him to go to school, but equally I can't and won't cover for him at this point.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom good luck with your daughter. It's like driving into a storm isn't it, one you'd realllly rather not face.

@MackenCheese getting fined because your child won't go to school is insane. What are you supposed to do, when you've tried everything already? What is fining anyone actually going to achieve?!

Well exactly @DancesWithDucks . I'm ready to take them on big time! I'm just sorry any of us parents are put in these awful positions with our kids. They are clearly finding school life extremely difficult and it bounces back on to us 😟