Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Ps as a positive story and I hope it helps someone today.... we went through absolute hell and back with Dd1 between 16 and 18..I nearly had a nervous breakdown...she scraped awful A levels (going from A student to Ds). I was worried sick about her going to uni but now she is a tranformed individual. Went to uni, doing well, has a nice boyfriend, nice friends, a job etc..

So they do and can turn it round and some take a little longer than others..

Another positive story. At 15 my middle ds was addicted to cannabis, lying to us, stealing from us and basically a bloody nightmare! I cannot tell you the stress I went through, he nearly broke our marriage too.
He’s in his 20s now, a qualified radiographer specialising in radiotherapy, a happy, confident and popular young man.

Very insightful post.

That is great to here. Going through it right now with dd15 who is ASD.

Hang on in there, make it clear to him that you won’t give up on him. Keep painting the possibility of a bright future to him.

Just worry about what the weed is doing to her brain.

Yes we worried a lot about that. Keep reminding her gently about that. But concentrate more on painting the bright future you are sure she will have. She will eventually realise she has to ditch the drugs to achieve the life she wants for herself.

Much sympathy, it’s really scary and really hard on the whole family. I don’t know how we got through it tbh!

@MissyB1
Thank you.

Oh dear god I went round with T rex to a friends house for dinner with her daughter.

T rex has had two decent nights sleep and was polite and lovely - asked to stroke the cat. Friends daughter kicked off and was banging doors and plates and literally chucking them on the table. A glass smashed. We literally ducked.

She then stormed off and made it so uncomfortable that I suggested that we leave and my friend agreed and apologised. . And we got in the car to leave and this girl was screaming at us to not to ruin the evening by leaving, I said I thought it was better to give them some time alone and we drove home.

T rex sat in the car in silence and then said ‘please tell me I’ve never ever been that bad’ I said -you have your moments. She shuddered and snuggled me all night and was very reflective. We saw them briefly again this morning at an activity and we didn’t get a chance to talk.

I think my friend was going to ask me to have her every morning this coming week as she works and had previously said that ‘I need to talk to you about having X in half term mornings as she is booked into football but it is 11-3 pm so I need her looking after and picked up Monday - Friday and I need to leave for work at 7.30 and not back until 6 pm’ and I had said ‘umm don’t think that will work as me and mine need to catch up on sleep and relax and they often don’t get that in holidays as we normally have x dropped off and I’ve had a really stressful teaching term and I just need to rest I can’t go getting up at 7 am for her every day’ - she is 13 and she is SEN but normally her rage is directed at her mum and not me - but last night was horrendous and made me feel ill. My friend just says she is SEN and therefore this is what her behaviour is like. Poor behaviour is ignored but her behaviour is escalating. My friend l’s parenting is her own and I just feel it is not my place to interfere. But she’s always giving me advice like ‘let DD walk home on her own she’s 16’ excuse me but no I’m not letting DD walk home alone at 11 pm if she’s asked nicely for a lift she can have one. She won’t even leave her 13 year old alone in the house. I feel so guilty as mine is autistic and I understand SEN but I can’t do it - I just can’t. It’s up and down with TRex but it’s more good than not at the moment. Argh. I just feel huge guilt now.

@MissyB1 and @Travelban thank you also, it's good to hear encouraging stories like this. And ditto to whoever said about why cant my teens hang out with the nice kids instead of the vaping, smoking types, but then that's me being judgmental which is also frustrating ... i think it's me that needs the help most days not my teen!!

Tell me please.
why am I so despondent that my teen is not bothering about her folio pieces to go in at school? That she takes the money we spend on tutoring but can’t be arsed to help herself. Why isn’t my obvious upset and clear communication making her think, well, mum is panning herself in to give me the tools I need, so I’ll at least try. All due after this weeks half term, but oh, she’s on holiday.
she’s lazy and I am hating parenting her. I said it. I find her manipulative, unkind, selfish, goady, unsympathetic, badly behaved and entitled. And I do not have my husbands support as he’s more intent on being the friend and the good guy. I’m fucked right off and wish I wasn’t off this week as I am silently seething watching her make herself orange, with trashy lashes, etc. I feel an utter despondent failure.

I feel the same. I thought about paying mine for me to teach her some Science. They I thought hmm no it's just wrong. It is pointless unless have to.

Also to previous poster, no way would I get up at 7am in the holidays only if an emergency one off situation. It's too much of an ask. You need a break too.

Unless they want to learn is what I meant.

I’m just knackered. And sad. Harumph.

Where can I find this group please? My D's 18 is still smoking weed and now vaping shit as well😭 I honestly just want to run away. I never, ever thought I would become this parent or my child would turn out like this. He was absolutely fine before and during lockdown and then he just changed which I think was brought on my stress and anxiety of school. I'm so worried about his mental health.

@MissyB1 i needed to read your post tonight. My son is addicted to cannabis. He is 17 years old tomorrow. We promised him driving lessons for his birthday but won’t quit. Was there something that helped turn things around. I just can’t see how he is going to get better. His attitude is terrible towards us.

It is a facecook group called parenting mental health. The book is available on amazon.

It seems so many of our teens are smoking weed these days, probably as a coping mechanism. It's also easier to get hold of and cheaper then alcohol. It's so sad and frustrating. My local police force are saying it's a problem in the area on their FB feed and to be vigilant, then in the next post they talk about arresting a weed/THC dealer who also had class A drugs and have given him a deferred caution WTF! Where is the justice and protection for our youngsters today?!

I think the turning point was that him going to live in another town with a relative of mine. He went for 6 months and it gave him a chance to ditch the “mates” he’d been hanging around with. He no longer felt the pressure to take drugs and enrolled on a college course. He was still tricky to live with but definitely calmer and had found motivation to try and improve himself. Basically it was a bit of a reset.

Just catching up.

out situations aren’t all the same but the struggle is. DD is so cold and sarcastic towards me. Has no interest in anything I say. Cuts my conversation short. Eats tea in 2 minutes then up to her room again. she’s mean.

An old video popped up on my Facebook memories of her at 8… I honestly wept. Such a funny loving girl.

I wish my ds wasn't a teenager, I wish I could fast forward 10 years and have an older version of my sweet and loving little boy. He is manipulative and has no remorse for upsetting me. His attitude was so bad today I told him I was going out for a walk. In my head I had no idea where I was going or how long I would be, I just wanted to get away from him!! I constantly feel like I've failed him and he thinks I'm the worst mother ever but what worries me the most is that when he's old enough to leave home he'll be gone and I'll lose him forever. Our relationship is drifting apart 😭

@howaboutthistime I think it’s totally normal to want to fast forward through hard times. But don’t believe you are losing him for good.

1: they still need us at this age even though they desperately fight against that.
2: when they are older and wiser they get a lot nicer! Basically they return to normal human beings!

I'm just re reading Wise minded parenting by Laura Kastner - which is the next best thing to a therapist. First chapter talks a lot about how to manage rudeness and look after yourself and not get triggered! HTH

Thanks for that recommendation @duvet

Please can I join? I have twin boys age 17 both in first year of Alevels, have had a relatively easy time with them up till now but they both seem to have gone off the rails at once!! Nothing has happened at home, happy family life etc.
Attitude from both is awful, just wanting to be out with friends/girlfriends all the time, vaping, missing classes and doing very little work towards Alevels. I have tried talking, to find out why they missing class, if work too hard etc, but just turns into arguments. Last night one of them said they don’t like being at home as I’m always on at them and stress them out, then went round his gf’s and stayed there. I feel like I’m losing them which is heartbreaking. I keep having to go out for drives to get away for a bit. Just feel so sad that they seem to be throwing their futures away and don’t care. Feel like I have failed them somehow but don’t know what’s gone wrong. I’m just hoping they’ll see sense but worried sick they will have gone too far off track to get back. It
doesn’t help that most of my friends seemingly have problem free teenagers who are sailing through Alevels or that Facebook memories keep coming up like some form of torture reminding me of all the lovely days out/ how happy they were :( lovely to find this thread though, as makes me feel less alone. And I thought the toddler years were hard!!