Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

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This is so hard and I'm so sorry to read everyone's posts.

I feel really down (like we all do). I feel my son has ruined our lives together and nothing I do or say makes him understand. Hugs x

I'm wondering what your teens were like as younger children? As mine was so chilled and mild tempered (compared to other toddlers) yes there was some assertion on her part but nothing I felt out of my depth with.

Some anxiety in middle childhood..

It's made the transition to rude, sullen teenager so shocking. It makes me think that yes it's true, every child has their 'moment' whether babyhood, toddler, middle, teen or beyond.

I also think its interesting, those of us who are struggling at this stage (myself included) I think I've found her transition to independence really hard, not knowing how to navigate that, not knowing how much to control etc. Which causes me anxiety and stress, which I then bring to the relationship. She pushes my buttons now like I've never had them pushed, and it's daily. I'm hurt, angry, bereft at times. I've been wondering what those buttons are about and how i can keep a better hold of them.

@Chocolatepuffery , I completely agree on button pushing and the seesaw of control/lack of control. I have been guilty of being both overly controlling and too lenient, at different times and in different ways. My husband is partly right that I parent too much by carrot and too little by stick, and my DD seems to respond to the stick quite well. I myself was parented by incentives, never by punishment, and responded to that, so installing punishments just doesn't come naturally to me at all. It's not that DH is strict, but he does have a point that she will not realize the error of her ways on her own, reasoning doesn't work well, so we need to install firm boundaries.

To your question: she was a very unhappy, colicky, never sleeping and poorly eating baby. She was very different from most babies you saw out and about; I always had to run with the stroller (or when I had her strapped to me in the baby carrier). That was the hardest year of my life, I got so little sleep and it was relentless, she seemed unhappy and angry all the time. She got a bit better once she was able to move and a lot better after 1 year old. No terrible 2s! She was always stubborn and wanting to do her own thing, anyway, so no change to that during toddlerhood.
She never needed as much sleep as other kids (but now she gets up for school, no complaints ever and never late). She still eats very little at one time, and compensates by having a snack every 2 hours... I told her yesterday, jokingly, that most babies grow out of that by the time they are 18 months old, but I guess if it works for her, it's fine. She is mostly not rude, but very, very stubborn and doesn't think things through, so I always feel like I have to make sure I prevent behavior that will reap bad consequences - for the long term, not little things - while not having all the data available, as she doesn't tell us everything, of course.

I will say she has gotten better in the last six months or so, yet every little while she drives me to distraction by something. I also noticed the "like your teens" thread, and yes, good for them! I also like my teen a lot of the time, which doesn't mean she's not a handful. I myself was an easy, mellow teen, but developed anxiety and depression later, so you never know; my parents worried about me much more in my early twenties than during my teen years.

Exactly! They can pride themselves with their great parenting but it's often down to sheer dam luck.

My daughter was similar as a child. She wouldn't sit still, very stubborn. Picky eater, no sleep. Wouldn't sit at play group and listen to a story nope she wanted to be with the toys. Only now I realise it was ASD in girls. Would not have known until the issues began at 14.
However she was chatty, friendly, kind, would do activities, liked going out, affectionate and seemed to like seeing me. Now she is none of those things.

Sticks don't work with my daughter at all. Carrots sometimes. Her mental health is too bad.

True about the other teen thread. My parents worry more about me now in my 40s dealing with my dd then they have ever had to before.

She was also maths champion in year 6. Now she is failing Maths due to not attending a maths lesson in 2 years.

@Newtonianmechanics @incognito50me my dd was same in terms of no sleep and picky eater. She has always had bouts of anxiety and is now v withdrawn. I question ND, the doctor seems to think she could be too (asd)

I feel like I have to become a different person to parent her effectively, to turn off all my fears and anger and just calmly instil boundaries / consequences. When I have managed to do that life is so much easier and arguments and upset avoided. It's very hard and goes against all my natural tendencies and instincts.

I read and joined the group partnering not parenting for dds mental health and it has helped by Suzanne Alderson.

Still have the bad days but it's how I react to it thats better. I forget though and have to remind myself.

Just catching up with the thread, sending hugs and strength to everyone.

Completely agree it’s down to luck not parenting. At least we can leave them to be if they’re being vile and go out and do something nice for us.

Yet another row in DD. I happened to enter her room- it smells of smoke, full of rubbish. It revolts me. Cue screaming (from her!), swearing , threats, vile texts. When will it all stop? The only rule she has to follow is to NOT smoke in the house!!! I have zero tolerance of it and yet still she continues to do it. I will not condone it ever

I agree. Why can’t they listen? Be reasonable? I don’t get it? Doesn’t their conscience ever get pricked or do they just override it .

Cigarettes? Its the weed smell here that I can't stand. Not in the house but deems to stink anyway.

It's soul destroying.

Also why can't they shut doors quietly. Slam slam slam.

mine stormed off in the rain tonight with a jacket for 30 minutes or a phone as I dared go in her tip of a room. Honestly it makes me ill she can’t even keep her desk tidy. I said I was going to remove the door off the hinges and she accused me of child abuse.

she’s currently drying off in her room and has lost her phone again

Had another cry in the bath tonight ladies.

how do you avoid the plaguing feeling that their behaviour is somehow a reflection of what you have or haven’t taught them?

the guilt / horror I feel can be very overwhelming.

im so sorry it’s tough for so many of us.

guy wrenchingly tough.

Stumbled across this thread tonight....hope you don't mind a joiner?

I don't even know where to start..

2 kids, different dads. 24yr old that caused me no end of worry as she was growing.. but apparently all normal behaviour.

13yr old boy who has always been a totally different kettle of fish.
From his first day at playschool, to today in year 9.. repeated phone calls, pulled out if work to come to school ect. 8 suspensions, millions of detentions.

Younger years, he was a bright bubbly baby, always giggling and laughing, at 9months old suffered a febrile convulsion. Had a second episode at 13months. At this point he was at nursery due to our working hours, constant calls about his anger, he was a biter, that's how they said he would communicate his annoyance/anger.
Junior school, fidgety in class.. disruptive behaviour. Everything we did wasn't working, school put him on send but didn't tell us, it's for behavioural needs apparently. Tried to approach gp for extra help, they put it down to boredom.

Then the fighting started, constant fighting in school.

Then he moved to high-school, bigger kids, he came worse off 2 on one attack... this seems to have made it worse he's now always on defense.

His school (after I threw and almighty wobbly and threatened to pull him) have been in constant contact with us, he is with cahms (weekly meeting, we know nothing about what's said) he has an appointment with someone at mind this Thursday, but again.. we won't know what's said as he's going in on his own (as per the letter)

With us, he has flounce moments, but generally is a good lad and will do as asked with minimal teenage style moaning.

At school, he's... different, there's no social boundaries, there's no respect for anyone (one recent kick of, he swore approximately 50 times at a teacher who HAD to walk away...) he says everyone hates him, all the kids hate him..

His grades are dire, he's now in nurture classes and hates them, but feels anxious about normal classes.

We have also had questioning of sexuality, and recently questioning his gender.

The lying.... Well, there's no trust in anything he says, he will throw anyone under the bus to save himself.

And at 13, we have already had 1 visit from the police as he was harrasing someone in the bungalows who had a ring camera.

He just doesn't see what his actions are doing, he constantly blames everyone else.... we are literally at our wits end.

Today, he's had a positive day, a day of no detentions and even star of the lesson awards.. but as always, I find I'm waiting for the next round of phonecalls/messages/emails/detentions.

Our doctor won't refer for testing, the school said they can't... I feel he may be on the spectrum, I feel he's vulnerable, easily coerced..egged on.

I always blame myself, my jobs have always required long late shifts working weekends... I feel he hasn't had me at home and he used to comment on it when he was younger, now..he just doesn't seem to care.

Sorry for such a long vent... apart from the husband, iv not aired most of this to anyone, not even his older sister... I'm sorrynif it cokes across jumbled up

Tiredandstressed - that sounds incredibly hard my friend - there’s a place right here for you with us.

@Pleasegivemeyourwisdom I think that's what I find the most hard to be honest, that feeling of total failure. I feel like I'm lost at sea with no navigation. I slept 2 hours last night as I felt so rageful towards dd. I tend to turn things on myself and it just feels very true that this is a 'me' problem, that Im not handling things well and if only I did, things would be better. I have no solution, just solidarity x

Oh, a safe space for a rant. DD is going away next week (well, that's the plan) so thought I'd cook a nice roast tonight. Don't usually have time mid-week. Shouldn't have bothered. She sat down for 10 mins, shovelled it in then said she'd had enough and left. Complete contempt for us all. And again little sister senses it and tries to jolly us all along but gets zero by way of affection or attention from her.. The bigger issue is the school trip which we agreed to and paid for a year ago when she was a different child. She now announces that she's not going to go every time she doesn't get her own way. And past experience of previous refusals tells me she would follow through. It was over £1,000. I have knots of anxiety everywhere, terrified she would just waste our money like that.

Thank you.

He's been his appointment today... as usual I was at work (14hr day..thanks a bunch) so oh took him.

We have no information from son, just says he spoke about home, school friends.. (currently waiting to hear more, if there is more from oh..but he's dealing with a family drama)

From what I can gather, seems like it's 121 counseling.... that's not what he needs, he needs assessing 😭 I just feel like kinds with any issues get pushed to one side... there's never enough funding.

Thus week, I can see he's really tried at school, today he got a detention and the husband said he had a melt down in the car saying he had failed us...

Wtf do we do to try an get help, when no one is listening? 😒

I hear you all. Just so tired - and coming here for a rest after my whatsapp group full of work experience talk of DC being incredibly motivated and wanting all these high flying careers. My DS either wants to be a streamer or a fundamentalist dictator - not sure where we go for work experience for that. I am just trying to get him through his teen years in one piece. If he gets a job that would be a massive bonus

It is indicative that the teenagers are jice thread has about 42 posts. We are on thread two. 🤦‍♀️

Nice!

I felt the teenagers are nice thread lacked compassion. And insight actually. Of course some teenagers are nice, but it felt braggy. Not all teenagers are nice! One of mine is lovely, great student, thriving, might even be head boy next year. If I only had him I’d be laughing but I don’t, so let’s not call them all nice and think we’ve won a watch, when others are struggling. Felt a bit insensitive. Like look at those losers that have allowed their perfectly nice teenagers Not to be nice!

The thread was at best self complacent and as a mother of 4 ternagers, one who is luckily on the other side, I can honestly say you don't know and cannot know what's going to come your way, no matter what the young person is like.

As a parent, you will be extremely lucky if between 13 and 19 amd especially with more than onr young person in the house, you will be completely exempt from at least one of these: heartbreak, toxic friendships, difficult teachers, struggling with a subject, illness (mental or physical), stress, bad decisions, alcohol or substance abuse, sexual harassment (sadly), this isn't even a comprehensive list.

Many teennagers will struggle when hit with one of the above and it will either be being open and honest or they will have meltdowns, be rude and not choose to tell you what's going on.

And even when all looks rosy, you don't know what they are hiding. Trust me with 4 teenagers I really have heard it all and in many cases the parents are blissfully unaware.

And even if you win the lottery and your teen is an absolute saint, then there is university. They will hit difficulties there and just because they are 19 or 20 or 21 you will still feel the same or worse you won't know.

So I just.view it in this way, it is a phase. The thead reminded me of those parents at baby group telling you that theybwere so lucky as their babies always slept through whilst you were surviving on 2 hours sleep. Or that their toddlers never had any meltdowns but you could see them hitting everyone but no it was never them :)) they were provoked!