Just a friendly hand hold for any other mums of teens PART 2

[Pleasegivemeyourwisdom]

Again, just a friendly place to liaise (or lament?!) with other parents who are trying their best to navigate the ups and downs of raising teens 😳

no judgy pants here so don’t worry about that!

Same! Mine won't be mates with the hardworking lovely kids. Absolutely not. She likes the stoner, vaping, drinking sunbed using crew.

Morning all. Sitting here thinking about what this weekend will hold with the 15yo. She’s actually not sociable at all and would rather lie in bed on her phone than go and see a friend. She doesn’t have a large group, but I do wish she went out a bit and had fun. She’s struggling with mocks, revision, school in general and mopes about a lot. I’ve tried talking, hanging out, going for a drive and asking if anything is bothering her, but I don’t get any info at all. She’s just a moody, frustrated 15yo that just wants to get out of school. Hates everything and everyone. I worry she’s lonely and spends too much time scrolling rubbish.

Maybe college will be better in September? I just don’t know how we’ll get there! This is exhausting.

Thats my hope to that college will never better. Then I have this niggling feeling it will be more of the same. It's awful and a constant worry.

@Onceuponatime46 seriously considering home ed for my Y9 DS for this reason. I don’t know if any of us can stand the stress of sending him somewhere he hates so much, every day for the next 2.5yr.

His attendance is already awful, but he’s really bright and more than capable of GCSEs.

He just hates the grumpy teachers, hundreds of rules, horrible food, cold classrooms, getting detentions for the tiniest of things…etc…etc. I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate it!

Currently looking at online GCSEs but haven’t told DS that yet….

So eventually managed to get a text conv going with older daughter (18), which was a huge relief after she seemed to be blanking me/us. She's fine. Bit bored now the novelty of uni life has worn off a bit, but basically doing ok.

Younger daughter (15) seems fine on the surface but has recently binned off her best friend of a couple of years with no explanation 😕. (They all seem to really struggle with the concept of empathy.) Anyway - no idea what's happened, but I know things have their ups and downs. Just a bit of a shame as we'd got to know best friend quite well, so I'm sad we won't see her anymore.

She has a new semi-best-friend - but they went shopping last weekend with her Christmas voucher and DD spent £50 on lingerie!! (The voucher was for a clothes shop - intended for actual clothes.) Leopard print push up bra and everything! 😮Haven't reacted as it was her money to spend, and in some ways I prefer this to the awful stuff we went through a few years ago. We discovered that her older sister had been given a breast binder by a "friend", and she wore it constantly, without washing it, for years 😨. Could go on but won't...

(It has flitted through my mind to wonder why she wants such fancy underwear - is she taking pics? is she sending them to anyone? but DH says I am being daft...)

Someone tell me (a) they will be ok and (b) we will all come out the other side!

My school offered online when she refused for 15 days. Maybe try this route.
They offered home and hospital or academy 21. They would then pay for it.

Victoria secret jewelwd bras and CK thongs here. I think it is actually the fashion. My mind goes to worse case scenario too. Usually because it is as far as my dd is concerned.

Hey, I'd like to join.

14 yo dd. So miserable, mopes around without a word. Lots of eye rolls whenever I say anything, or/and snappiness. It's just exhausting and makes me feel miserable. @Onceuponatime46 sounds very similar. On phone all day in bed. I dread weekends when it's just her and I which feels awful to say. Just the pressure and worry I feel for her. It's so hard not being allowed to help!

Yet another shouty argument for 2 hours with my nearly 17yo DS 😢😢😢 It's all leaving me exhausted and depressed and feeling like a failure. I have really good relationships with older DS and younger DD, but can do no right with middle son. Honestly don't know what to do.

I hear you. T Rex was out all day yesterday as she was in a production. No phone (I’ve confiscated it after the 8 hours a day nonsense) and told me she would be back by 10 pm excellent. Nice afternoon with youngest. She rolls in at 11.30 pm having been for a curry with the cast. Wakes me up and then talks at me for 30 minutes about her performance in the show etc then she slides off to bed. At 8 am she claims she’s tired - no shit Sherlock and too exhausted to come to church. I get home at midday and she is in her PJs - room is a bomb site and she has done nothing and then she is sniping and arguing with me and the youngest. And wants a …. Bath. She listens to my phone calls and corrects me. Her room is covered in crap. I lost the plot totally. I went to a neighbours house for a cuppa - my 10 year old appears in tears she’s told him to get out. Ffs I didn’t even last 10 minutes.

She claims it is my fault as I hate her.

what a rollercoaster.

i pray we get through it.

im a reasonable woman. I don’t want to be a thing of contempt. Giving or getting! (99% it’s not giving, but im
only human right, and menopause doesn’t help or feeling belittled or anxious or scared for their future!)

Have a nice chat with dd yesterday. Mot long but stil nice.

Now back to one word answers and her not telling me a thing. Acting like I am an inconvenience asking her if she is hungry. 🤦‍♀️

Had a nice chat yesterday. Not a long one.

Hello again - it's been a while. Since Christmas DS has been struggling with sleeping. Once he's asleep he's fine but is now so anxious about going to bed he is kicking right off. I know full well that I over parent him horribly and I am not sure how to stop. He's 15 (just) and we still monitor bedtimes and screen usage around bed times. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Mega-drama... DD2's ex-best-friend's Mum came round the other night, really upset, because DD2 and her cohort have been being mean (like, really cruel messages) to ex-best-friend. Awful. It's horrible thinking that your own child could be the mean one... (DH doesn't believe it but I know she can be really ascerbic at times...)

Anyway when we spoke w DD2 after the Mum had gone, it turned out the friendship breaking up was a relationship break up, which explains a lot. We'd sort-of thought they were together, but she never said anything, so we didn't ask... Anyway DD2 said she initiated a break up, clumsily, and all the "friends" on both sides have piled in on social media... and it's got really nasty. Some of the worst messages weren't from DD2 (thank goodness) but her new best friend, who I was already a bit 🤔about...

Ugh. It's horrible. But... relationships and break ups happen, and are painful, and these are important lessons in treating people with respect and kindness in difficult circumstances. DD2 said she thought they'd be able to go back to being best friends 😮. We had to explain to her how hurt her ex is probably feeling and how that's turning into lashing out, and then it's escalated... asked her to get her friends to back off. Thank goodness we had a good relationship with the Mum so she felt she could be frank with us.

I'm knackered and it's only Tuesday.

I've been lurking but just butting in to say @Ralphiesaurus thanks for not being blind to how your Dd can be.

We had similar issues (although not a romantic relationship) where DD's friend turned on her with horrible messages etc and as I was friends for years with the mum I brought it up. It didn't go well. Denial at all stages despite literal evidence in the messages. Incredibly frustrating.

Thanks to Newtoniannechanics
for pointing me in this direction.

My 14 year old son is enjoying having some control over me. He plays mind games and lies and he knows this pushes my buttons.

We are so stuck at the moment, I've told him not to talk to me until he stops this behaviour (is that wrong?)

He pretends he hasn't heard me then tries to guess what I've just said. He repeats the sentence with the words in a different order, maybe adding in a word or taking one out. I know he's heard me because he wouldn't know which string of words to use.

I'm so tired of this, I've tried to be a good mum, given him lots of opportunities and I just want the lies and this bizarre behaviour to stop. Normally he tells me the right sentence eventually or I just forget it and carry on as normal but this time he's carried it on for weeks and I can't let it go over my head this time, I just don't understand why he's doing this. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm to blame, I've failed somewhere along the line! I've suggested going to see someone but it's a definite no from him.

How should I act, what should I do. I know I probably sound like a child but I just want him to say the sentence so we can get back to normal, mainly because I don't want to give in this time and that he knows he can't keep controlling me with his mind games

Why are you engaging in this behaviour, I don’t understand why you want him to repeat a sentence. @howaboutthistime

if he’s being stupid literally just say ‘you heard what I said’ then refuse to engage and walk away.

@howaboutthistime yes just say what you need to say and don’t play the game! Or maybe join in the “fun” and talk only in scrambled sentences that he has to decode? You will sound like Yoda :-)

I am sure you are a good mum! Are there things that are going just fine? Is he fit, healthy, going to school? Does he have one or two friends? Other relatives who care about him? Food on the table? Steering clear of drugs and gangs?

I have learned from a few very rocky years with my 2 boys that “good parenting” does not guarantee a good outcome. And to count all the things that are actually going well, as often as I can. Good luck!

Well baby TRex was on a roll yesterday. I am off work as I’m not well high temperature and sore throat and she couldn’t get a lift back so I went to get her - a 20 minute drive. All the way back she talked at me. Dropped her off to do her tutoring. Took youngest to a drama workshop. Picked her up and then back to drama workshop to drop her off - waited in car park in the car for 40 minutes for them as they didn’t know how long it would be. Then she wanted me to take her to Tesco and get food rather than home before she went back to drama 30 minutes gap - home is 5 mins. She came back at 11 pm.

meanwhile youngest is on fire (he’s 10) refusing bed between 8.30 and 11 pm as he was building Lego.

Explained to T rex I was ill and she screamed at me ‘I know’ I explained that she would have to get herself up this morning as I was ill and a friend was picking her up at 7 am again she screamed I know. At 6.30 am she wasn’t awake - I went in her bomb site room and she screamed at me I know and then stomped around everywhere but at 7 am started screaming she couldn’t find her pencil case - she hasn’t had it for two days she started rampaging in my room - why the actual f would I have her pencil case?? And made my friend wait for 5 minutes on the door step whilst she was looking - she didn’t find it! I cried.

Eurgh @Rocksonabeach that sounds trying in the extreme. I am sick to death of it at the moment. DS is 15, has type 1 diabetes- which can always be used as a weapon - and is just generally a dickhead a lot of the time. He has some very redeeming features but I do wonder how one comes out of this period in life not actively hating your own child. Answers on a postcard please.

Thanks for your messages. I often think about when he leaves home, my life may actually begin to get happier then I feel bad for wishing the years away. I feel better knowing I'm not the only one. Happy Thursday everyone

My newly DD(18) has just been vile. Swearing and then a new low- spat in my face!!!! I am in shock. I was emptying rubbish out her room and it all started. Yes I should have walked away and seriously regret that I didn't. It went from 0-100mph in a second. We celebrated her 18th last weekend and had a nice time, she had lovely presents etc. I regret wasting time and money on her now. Honestly she is an adult and just spat in my face. Things had been going a bit better and now I feel it is utterly ruined and back to square one. I should have not reacted and just walked away

@belge2
It's so hard not to react, hope you're feeling a bit better.

What is the best way to let your teen know they can't control you anymore. My son said he doesn't like the situation we're in so I replied well stop lying and playing mind games with me then. He just smirked at me. I was boiling up inside but just walked away. Everything about him right now annoys me. It's a power struggle and I need to make a stand and not give in this time or I feel it will never get better. Do I trim the risk of losing him?

Run not trim