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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

151 replies

Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 21:13

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

OP posts:
EezyOozy · 30/07/2023 21:16

Does he have any kind of neurodivergent diagnosis? Has this ever been explored ?

EezyOozy · 30/07/2023 21:17

(Other than the speech and language issue)

Loulou377 · 30/07/2023 21:28

As per EezyOozy question.

that sounds really really hard for you to deal with but as you suspect, that’s not normal 18 year old boy behaviour. Sounds like he could do with some outside assistance/ diagnosis and some management advise

3luckystars · 30/07/2023 21:30

Has he had an assessment?

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 21:30

No we always knew there was something wrong with his processing and language. He was.
always sociable but unable to keep friendships once past year 3. Always well because in school. After lockdown he became this angry, confused kid with a big chip on his shoulder. Part of me wonders if its from bullying and trauma, but then he was always this screaming baby. I also had complications and a difficult birth so again could this all be trauma related?? He has been mixing in the wrong crowd in rougher areas, listens to awful rap music. He's so different from us and his brother. Polar opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 21:41

I had to fight for an ed psych to assess him at school. This was done over the phone and SALT also involved this was for speech and language. He was diagnosed with developmental language disorder. However between the age of 5 years and 15 he was relatively behaved and happier child. Still obsessive about things but on a smaller scale. Once he turned 16 he just seemed angry and everything has been magnified. He hates us, the world. Always on his phone, doesn't switch off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 21:42

Could this be ADHD or ASD, Trauma??

OP posts:
Starlightstarbright2 · 30/07/2023 21:46

My D’s has adhd /Asd - it is common for kids with adhd to self medicate . some of the way you describe him sounds like my Ds . Look up pda aswell .

Iknowthis1 · 30/07/2023 21:48

I understand that you are at your wits end but hate is a very strong word.

StillPerplexed · 30/07/2023 21:48

A lot of teenagers are self-absorbed and self-destructive. On the bright side, just because he's obnoxious now, doesn't mean he can't outgrow this phase.

Vettrianofan · 30/07/2023 21:58

I found out that my eldest was listening to music that makes rap music seem tame. Black metal, hate speech, white supremacist stuff etc. It's been a worry, had school involvement with it all. He is 16yo, so I understand the time you must be having.

On the plus side your DS is able to hold down a job so give him some credit where it's due. He should be paying dig money to you both if he isn't already.

INeedAnotherName · 30/07/2023 21:58

The weed would do it for me. If he wants to smoke that he's out.

I might have missed it but is he in some form of education still? Could you steer him towards an apprenticeship? I would also say he needs to start helping around the house, whether it's running a hoover around, washing up or cooking for the family one day a week. He's 18. This is where he needs to be an adult in your home or leave.

Vettrianofan · 30/07/2023 22:01

DS also has been smoking weed and knows I don't tolerate that whilst he is living in the family home. There have been arguments and lots of stress in recent months.

NotLovingWFH · 30/07/2023 22:25

A lot of the things you are describing shout ADHD to me. My DC are ND and emotional dysregulation, teeth brushing, friendship issues, time blindness to name a few.

The thing that really opened my eyes when my first DC was diagnosed was being told that they aren’t behaving badly because it makes them happy. They are battling themselves and feel awful about how they are failing to keep up with their peers, boys in particular are around 3 years behind developmentally if they are ND. Once we both understood this it changed everything. It’s not perfect but I know they’re not doing things just to push my buttons and they understand that I’m trying to help not nagging for no reason.

ADHD is often found alongside other issues. It’s not a learning disability it’s an executive function disorder.

PrinceHaz · 30/07/2023 22:25

On the basis of the following issues you’ve mentioned, I would definitely explore ASD assessment:

  • difficult baby
  • developmental language disorder
  • difficulties maintaining friendship and being bullied as a younger child
  • obsessions/obsessions in phases
  • constant use of phone (this likely helps him self-regulate)
  • vapes and weed (to calm the anxiety)
  • collecting used vapes
  • lack of aspirations (could be due to anxiety/depression but it’s also quite difficult for autistic young people to think outside the day to day and look ahead).
  • Part time work (autistic people often struggle with demands of a full time occupation, whether it’s college or work).
  • seeming contradiction between some elements of extreme obsessive self care and lack of self care. (It can be exceptionally difficult for an autistic person to wash, clean teeth etc because it’s a demand and because of the sensory issues).
  • Poor diet.
  • latching on to friend group and emulating how they are to fit in. he is masking to do this which will be exhausting.

My daughter fits nearly all of the description above. She takes antidepressants and has an autism diagnosis. Life is much harder for her than it is for me. I have over time grown to understand more about what it is to live the way she does. As o removed demands on her, over the last 6 months she s started to decide to do things to help herself e.g. working and applying to restart college.
i think, work with him where he’s at. He’s not a lost cause.

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 22:27

I obviously do love him but his behalf is having an effect on our family. I hate the person he has become. It's a different person, I was thinking who are you?

OP posts:
Twothousandandjustonemore · 30/07/2023 22:30

Starlightstarbright2 · 30/07/2023 21:46

My D’s has adhd /Asd - it is common for kids with adhd to self medicate . some of the way you describe him sounds like my Ds . Look up pda aswell .

I was thinking exactly this.
He sounds just like my DS too.

pinguins · 30/07/2023 22:31

Stereotypical ASD bingo card right here. 🧐

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 22:33

INeedAnotherName · 30/07/2023 21:58

The weed would do it for me. If he wants to smoke that he's out.

I might have missed it but is he in some form of education still? Could you steer him towards an apprenticeship? I would also say he needs to start helping around the house, whether it's running a hoover around, washing up or cooking for the family one day a week. He's 18. This is where he needs to be an adult in your home or leave.

It's not that simple! How do make them leave, where will they go? He already hangs around with the wrong crowd on the wrong side of town. I can't wait for him to move out but if I kick him out he could end up alot worse. He is already doing risky behaviour. I feel manipulated because I can't make him do anything he doesn't want to and he knows it! He has managed to keep the job but I've had to nag him, drive him at times not always. I could not drive him but then what? He would lose the job and end up even worse. That's the thing and that's where I'm struggling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 22:38

NotLovingWFH · 30/07/2023 22:25

A lot of the things you are describing shout ADHD to me. My DC are ND and emotional dysregulation, teeth brushing, friendship issues, time blindness to name a few.

The thing that really opened my eyes when my first DC was diagnosed was being told that they aren’t behaving badly because it makes them happy. They are battling themselves and feel awful about how they are failing to keep up with their peers, boys in particular are around 3 years behind developmentally if they are ND. Once we both understood this it changed everything. It’s not perfect but I know they’re not doing things just to push my buttons and they understand that I’m trying to help not nagging for no reason.

ADHD is often found alongside other issues. It’s not a learning disability it’s an executive function disorder.

I have always assumed ADHD with a hyper child, wouldn't say he overly active. He also blames everyone for things going wrong. Loses his stuff and accuses is of taking it. He is very short tempered. He isn't in education he dropped out. I had to get his this job and I am doing everything to help him keep it, hoping he will mature and look for something's better. He is emotionally very immature. If I ask him to do sometime he says he will, but he loses time in his phone and then rushing to go out. Its like a major toddler tantrum the anger and aggression, lashing out. He then comes down eventually but the way he spoke tonight was like some sort of gangsta. It was horrible.

OP posts:
HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 30/07/2023 22:40

@PrinceHaz

Wise words here

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 22:42

PrinceHaz · 30/07/2023 22:25

On the basis of the following issues you’ve mentioned, I would definitely explore ASD assessment:

  • difficult baby
  • developmental language disorder
  • difficulties maintaining friendship and being bullied as a younger child
  • obsessions/obsessions in phases
  • constant use of phone (this likely helps him self-regulate)
  • vapes and weed (to calm the anxiety)
  • collecting used vapes
  • lack of aspirations (could be due to anxiety/depression but it’s also quite difficult for autistic young people to think outside the day to day and look ahead).
  • Part time work (autistic people often struggle with demands of a full time occupation, whether it’s college or work).
  • seeming contradiction between some elements of extreme obsessive self care and lack of self care. (It can be exceptionally difficult for an autistic person to wash, clean teeth etc because it’s a demand and because of the sensory issues).
  • Poor diet.
  • latching on to friend group and emulating how they are to fit in. he is masking to do this which will be exhausting.

My daughter fits nearly all of the description above. She takes antidepressants and has an autism diagnosis. Life is much harder for her than it is for me. I have over time grown to understand more about what it is to live the way she does. As o removed demands on her, over the last 6 months she s started to decide to do things to help herself e.g. working and applying to restart college.
i think, work with him where he’s at. He’s not a lost cause.

Thank you, again I would never of thought ASD. He was always sociable,.good eye contact but now he hates big crowds and has depression and lots of anxiety. Before the age of 16 most of his behaviour was manageable.

OP posts:
Youdoyoubabe · 30/07/2023 22:43

Ugh he sounds so annoying. Good blinking luck. I hope he grows out of it!

Original poster
Meltinthemiddle · 30/07/2023 22:45

Thank you for every ones reply sorry if rambling just typing fast as my mind is racing. How do you even get a diagnostic as a 18 year old? I think things had been better has we didn't put demands on him, but he has a new gf and communication of where he is or when he is home hasn't been great. Also the not brushings his teeth and energy drinks plus weed is breaking me 😕 and things just came to a head tonight!

OP posts:
tsmainsqueeze · 30/07/2023 22:46

I hope he doesn't know that you hate him.