I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

[Meltinthemiddle]

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

Um I am absolutely fine. I just ramble when upset hence why it's doesn't always come out right on here. I have known something was wrong I have said that's for a while. I think alot of parents I know in real life say things in anger and desperation that they don't mean. I have a friend going through something similar and she is a good person . But when she is with us she offloads, it's a safe space and she says she hates him. She doesn't really, she is a good mum but she is at her wits end and there is no help or support. I don't judge her!

A DLD is a developmental disability which causes difficulties in understanding and using language. This in turn means that people with a DLD also have difficulty thinking because we use language to think.
Any advice to let the DS make long term choices, or learn from experience, or figure it out won’t work because of how his brain functions. He will find it very difficult to work out cause and effect, or make any long term plans because that involves complex language skills that he doesn’t have. He is currently reacting to the immediate situation and will struggle to understand how his actions impact on the people around him and feed into his own life.
Being able to manage money, budget, get to work on time are not skills that he is going to spontaneously develop as he matures because he has a language disability.

OP what does he enjoy? What motivates him? Would he even consider going to college if it was an environment that was very different from school? Could you afford private therapy?

It's not a dead end job, a job is a job at the end of a day and it's good honest work. And I am hoping this will help him mature. I've talked about him working hard and working his way up. However he has said he doesn't want to do it forever. He only does 3 days a week and it's zero hour contract. He will never be able to move out and live independently. I also think he has been a late a few times and had warnings so again I'm worried about him losing it thanks to the weed! Look I am human, this has been going on for 2 years and I am ground down and emotional. I have tried the gentle approach, tough love approach and sometimes in desperation I react emotionally.

These people might be able to signpost specific support in your area https://www.afasic.org.uk/the-afasic-helpline/

Also, have you applied for PIP for him? That could maybe help fund some support.

It’s definitely possible to hate behaviours and the effect those behaviours have on themselves and others. OP clearly doesn’t hate her child but if you haven’t lived with it you really have no idea what it’s like. It can wear you down to a point where you just want to walk away because you can’t fix it.

To all the PP telling the OP to simply get her adult son assessed, it’s not that easy! Not only do you have no authority to do that, he’s an adult now legally and has to want to himself but in addition the waiting lists are forever long.

Look into right to refer to a private provider to see if that’s a reasonable time, if not and he’s amenable, pay for private assessment starting with ADHD. If the assessor feels there are autistic tendencies they will tell you.

Thank you Feelingpricky.

OP I really feel for you, it’s a tough situation. He sounds very very like my friend’s son of a similar age who has an ASD/ADHD dual diagnosis. She is the most lovely person and parent but one point she was genuinely thinking about having him taken into care as she was tearing her hair out so much with him. I wouldn’t be surprised if your son also has both labels. I understand he has this DLD diagnosis right now but it would definitely be worth having it reevaluated as an adult. I get that the labels don’t make anything magically better but it would help you and him and other people to understand his behaviours in context. And it’s possible that ADHD medication might help him. But it sounds like he refuses to look at it? Could you sit down with him and explain the potential benefits for him personally? Talk about the things that he finds frustrating about himself and that there might be a way to make life a little easier?

These kids can be very “gruelling to parent” as someone else put it, so please give yourself a big pat on the back for not giving up on him and continuing to parent him despite it being such a struggle. I have no doubt that you have done a lot for him already from what you say. Congratulate yourself for the fact that you’re here stressing about toothbrushing and energy drinks, managing his money properly, and annoyingly needing a lift to his work at this point, and not dealing with gangs, police etc. It could be so much worse as you’ve already seen with him. It’s brilliant that he is holding down a job and able to socialise with friends and a girlfriend. Not knowing where he is at times is obviously stressful, though to some extent normal at this age (though probably your situation is more extreme). Would he consider letting you out a tracker on his phone? It might be more that he forgets to let you know where he is or can’t put himself in your shoes to understand how stressful it is not to hear from him, than a deliberate attempt to conceal his whereabouts and might give you some peace of mind. My ADHD 16 year old son lets me track him for exactly these reasons and it helps a lot.

I agree with you that kicking a child like this out of the house is likely to end up with things becoming more and more out of control, he sounds quite vulnerable. So I definitely wouldn’t do that. I think your instincts here are absolutely correct. Especially given the disruption of COVID at a critical time for planning ahead for adult life and with his likely underlying difficulties, I would definitely plan on letting him live at home in the near to medium term future but work on what that looks like for both of you. He needs a bit of hands on support in entering adult life in my opinion. It’s ok if it’s not all perfect right now, definitely choose your battles. I agree with others that you sound very negative towards him at the minute although I understand why, but he’s probably picking up on this. I firmly believe with these kind of teens, punishments don’t really work. And they respond better to encouragement and pointing out what they’ve done well etc. So like sit him down and tell him how proud you are of him that he is holding down a job and sticking with it. Instead of berating him for getting up late. When he does let you know where he is, thank him and let him know how much it means to you and that you appreciate his having the respect for you to keep you posted. Try and keep a really positive atmosphere at home even if he occasionally stumbles, as it’s wearing all round for everyone otherwise. Good luck OP. It will be ok.

And try not to worry about the long term future for now, I think you’re looking way too far ahead and he may well surprise you. As someone else said these sort of kids are often a few years behind developmentally so it’s possible in a few years it will all look very different. Just focus on the next few years.

I also wanted to say that if you can afford a private assessment for ASD/ADHD and he agrees then great but there are lots of people saying it takes years here, I think it’s very area dependent. I work in the NHS and locally it’s super easy to refer someone (as long as they consent which I appreciate may well be a sticking point here) and the wait is 3-6 months. Not great but also not 3 years.

Also re the teeth brushing, I still have to remind my 16 year old every single day to brush his teeth or it just doesn’t happen! It’s a thing. I do worry about what happens in the future and we are trying to set up an Alexa to see if he’ll listen to her reminder instead!

Hi OP, don't know if you're still reading, but just to say I recognise a lot of what you've described. My dd is 18 - same with vaping, weed, very untidy, hours on make up but won't clean her teeth etc, verbally aggressive when challenged.

In her case she likely has early developmental trauma as she is adopted and came to us as a toddler. She's always been prone to anxiety but well behaved and close to us (too clingy really) until around 15. She suffered massively during the pandemic- lost all confidence and motivation for school work and refused to go quite a lot in year 11 depending on what lessons she had. Started self harming and now has been on anti depressants for over a year. I think they've helped but she still claims depression as an excuse for not doing certain things (and it's hard to judge if she is or isn't at times).

She did complete her college course, though with the minimum effort and will now have a vocational qualification. She doesn't have regular work yet but does cover shifts at one of her placementrs. (She quit a job last year due to stress) Has good friends though, dabbles with boys but no actual bf.

I am fed up of the stress she causes but I don't think she's near ready to live away from home yet and I don't actually want her to, just to be more reasonable and respectful. She veers from sweet and reasonable to downright defiant and rude. I try not to worry when she is off somewhere as I know she will be with a friend, and she does answer messages thankfully. But the background of self harm is always in my mind.

Luckily, due to being adopted and the self harm, she has therapeutic support but recently it's all been short term, different organisations and therapists and now she's 18, she's had to start again with a young adult service.

Anyway, not much advice to give other than being there for him when he will let you and trying to let him make mistakes (unless they're catastophic) rather than trying to control it all - I'm still struggling with that!

Thank you Cats for your reply and I m so sorry you are going through this too. D's weed taking is getting worse, barely woke up in town for work so I had to drive him. He was in a foul mood. Not himself at all. I don't know how to fix it if he doesn't want help. The last few days I've had to just switch off and detach myself from him because he just makes me so sad seeing what he doing to himself.

Have things got any better? My son is 18 and I ended up having him go live with his Dad after so much abuse from him. To be honest, he was always a bit of a nightmare at school and I'm not sure if it was to cover up the fact that he struggled. Teachers always told me he was capable if he applied himself but he never did, was always easily distracted and was always in trouble for low level disruption. Although never diagnosed with anything he did see a speech therapist wjen he was 3. At around 15, he started smoking weed and skiving school, being rude and physically abusive to me and my three other children. He damaged stuff in the house we rented so it got to the point where I couldn't have him here any more to protect us all. His Dad lives on a canal boat and I thought it would be a shock for my son because there was no electric or toilet and I hoped it would make him realise how good he had it at home but it ended up going the other way. His dad said school wasn't real life, smoked weed with my son and now basically my son pretty much lives and looks like a homeless person. And blames me for everything. He turned 18 in January. Just wondered if things had got any better for you?

dear mrs mum lady i am in-fact not a mum but a 17 year old son my (few days of 18) with adhd that would blow your mind in my time i have run away ripped radiators of walls punched screamed developed problems with drugs much worse then weed as well and freqently smoking in the house stolen my mums car graffied rattled horendus insults towards both of my parents stole over 2000£ for what was essialiy hard drugs got left and right tattood with a fake id at 15 on my arms and them latter got dopamine tattoed on my back done 3 random 40+ mile walks in the middle of the night with out telling anyone i allso really struggled with hygean untill i was about 15 not showering and what not and its still a battle to make sure that i do brush my teeth twice a day and shower before i go out and wear clean normal non pj cloths i could go on but you get the point your porbaly thinking right now wow this kid is a real peace of work i am in many respects however i am going from not doing sats and being assesed as educationally sub normal to getting A AA in maths computer science and psychology in alevel an i have participated in countless volitering sceams helped countless people to extream degree once going as far as to take a old women 4 hours home on the trian and then travle 4 hours back beacuse i was concered about her i have spent over 200 hours working with children with adhd and very poor maths skills eg cant count 3 digit numbers at 12 now why am i saying this because for all of my miss comings for every insane stunt i pulled my perants were furious and angry and all sorts of responese but i dint doubt for a second not a second that the thing that was most important thing to both my mum and dad who are split is that if feel loved and safe and secure and that me being ok and safe was at the absolute for front of there mind i know you dont hate your son you woulnt have bothered posting if you hated him and love him dearly that obvious to you but the question is mate is it obvious to him do you think that he feels that you would go to the ends of the earth for him

the thing is with nuero diversity and iv seen alott of it is that weather you like it or not its simply just the way we are there isnt a magical way to make some one normal or how you want them so they can fit in there is only who we are and what we can do with it my sister in contrast to me is a oxford grad with a imepcible record of behaviour so i was a big shock to my parents a "BIG" shock before they started to get me they would look at some one like me as the "other" a "undesirable" but the thing is i cant help being extreame i cant help that i need that stimulation i just cant i cant help that i think that verbal sentiment is dumb and fake but who do you know that would spend 8 hours taking somone home at 9pm till 5 in the morning or spend litrally a third of the free time helping out in classes it is just as much a advantage as it is a disadvantage but your son shouldnt feel like your ashamed of him or that you wish he would just fit in with the rest of your family beacse you are asking him to be somthing that he is not for your comfort not brushing his teeth is gross as hell but its a lesson he will learn when a girl says yuck im not kissing you im sure that your relationship with him is vastly more complex then i can infer from your post but as somone who has been through bassicly the most extream vesrstion of what your talking about from the sons side express to him that your happy that he is the way he is (fundamentally) not in terms of superficial behaviour beacuse the simple truth is your son is your son and he is who he is and if thats not good enough for you thats on you bro not him

anyway i hope that it all works out for all of you and apploiges about the misspelling im pretty dyslexic asswell

j

@hobogan ooooof - what a post!

"your son is your son and he is who he is and if thats not good enough for you thats on you bro not him"

How refreshing to hear from a teen on this group.

I'm really struggling with my sons - not in school, smoking weed...etc @hobogan you have helped me to got things in perspective today - I am so grateful.

@Mumofteens4892 nws i would be really happy if my perspective can help you and your sons understand each other even a little better.

tbh idk your sitch so this advice may be a bit naff but i would say dont stress about the weed its not great for cognition and emotional regulation and make that clear to your sons but i think for a lot of people puff can act as a conduit for much more abstract concerns about there kids witch develops resentment on both sides just encourage them to go for what there intreasted in constructively music , art ,sport ,baking what ever just somthing that teaches passion for me it was doing up a shed and then from there i lernt that if you work at things you get things you want then i started revising beacuse i allways quite liked coding and relised that weed impiared my ability to study and socialise so dumped it aside from the odd night with friends or what ever acidemics aret for every one though i was just lucky that i was in a very academic environment so when i became interested in it i had the resources in abundance for me
anyway as i say that part may be a little unapplicable to you. but if your looking for a starting point thats what i would do if i had a kid (obv if its somthing harder then weed its a diffrent story, but i think i was genrally pretty unique in that case as far as teens in my culture go)

hope it all works out and thanks for the nice message it means a lot

My son is younger than your son and isn't in with a bad crowd but all the rest rings true. He has impulsive/inattentive adhd we believe. He used to be hyper as a child but that's eased off as he's got older.
I have struggled with it for years and husband isn't dealing with it well at the moment because he on sons case all the time over everything he does wrong, which is putting stress on the family.
I worry alot about him getting older and how he will be. I keep trying to remind myself he's not mentally at the age he is, so at 18 your son is probably more around the 15 mark developmentally. I try not to compare him to others of the same age.
I think it's fantastic your son has a job and you need to try and ensure he keeps it, even if it means driving him sometimes. I think a job will develop his skills alot .
It's hard I know, but try to look for the good in him aswell

rt

He sounds like an absolutely classic case of undiagnosed ADHD. One of mine is very similar, also came unstuck during lockdown and self-medicates with undesirable substances. If you can afford it (I can't) get him a private assessment.

Not read the whole thread, sorry, but do you have any relatives he could stay with for a bit to give you all some space and get him away from the bad crowd while still keeping his job?

How are things , has 9 months changed anything? 🍷

No really, still smoking weed, vaping THC and now without a job. Signed on and claiming to have mental health issues. I can't even deal with him any more, feel like I am wishing the days away until he hits maturity.

do you hug him and tell him you love him?

I do, when the moments right.kr if we have been arguing alot. I do feel like he is very much controlling the situation though in terms of what he does and doesn't do. The manipulation has increased ten fold 😥