I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

[Meltinthemiddle]

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

Obsessive with things..
ASD right there..

He has a DLD - HE HAS A DIAGNOSIS OF ND.

DLD doesn’t go away just because he’s now an ‘adult’. He will still have difficulty processing information, planning, understanding cause and effect, maintaining relationships. None of his behaviour is surprising and entirely in line with the diagnosis. He will need ongoing support to cope with life.

https://thedldproject.com/life-with-dld-a-teens-perpective/

The thing is where so you get support for them. Obviously I try and support the best I can but it's hard. I helped with with his job applications, interviews etc and now taking him when I can if I think he's going to be late but I won't allow him to be dependent on it. I've tried to help him manage money but he just can't help but spend it all! I worry how he is going to love independently nd manage rent, bills etc. He works in a fast food place but I have no idea of other jobs he could do that have better conditions and opportunities.

MY DS 17 ADHD is very similar. It's really hard. I think we have to keep on supporting as best we can, ADHD brains mature much slower than normal and a therapist told me it's nearer 27 for them so a long way to go yet.
My son only has his job at a fast food place for the same reasons yours does - i have to check every shift he is going, that he is there even by logging on to his time card. Sometimes he goes, sometimes he lies and doesn't. He spends every single penny he earns within a couple of days as he is so impulsive and then begs me for money for until the next pay check, which makes me feel broken whether I give it or not. He is always at other peoples houses. Hardly seen him this holiday. We suggested he brings friends to ours but he doesn't want to because we won't allow them to smoke in the garden. I don't have any suggestions other than maybe look into getting a diagnosis as it might help you to understand him better if he is ND. You can ask for a referral through GP, then request to go through right to choose so it doesn't take years for an appointment.

I think the first thing to do is to adjust your expectations of what he ‘should’ be doing or how he ‘should’ be behaving.
A lot of the behaviours you describe in your post are understandable in the context of a DLD diagnosis, things like lack of aspiration, poor life choices, poor time planning, struggling with relationships, not being able to reason etc. etc. are extremely common in people with language difficulties and, importantly, he is not going to spontaneously learn any of these things through experience.
All that said, it sounds awful trying to live with him at the moment, he is unhappy, you are unhappy, it’s not sustainable.
Would he go to college? His EHCP should provide support for him to access a course sans that might open a few doors for him. There are colleges like Moorhouse that are for students with language difficulties. Have you thought of contacting any of the charities that have been mentioned? They might be able to sign post you to local support.
There is lots you could try but it’s difficult to explain it all on a Mumsnet post!

This is exactly the same, even with he pay situation! I hate saying no to lending it to him but I have said no more he needs to budget. He gets paid 2 weekly so not that difficult to manage. Is you son in any education? Mine has dropped. with rubbish grades. Very unlike he will go back so I need to think of ideas career wise that may suit him that will be better pay.

Thank you for your reply! The EHCP was useless, no help from school or college. It didn't help he didn't attend most days and was late but no one seems to bother. I was hoping this job would motivate him and help him mature and become more organised as he likes earning the money! O can't see him going back to education so I need to think of jobs that may be suitable and better pay. He only works 24 hrs (3 days) which seems to be enough at the moment!

Hi @Meltinthemiddle
They do sound very similar! Mine has successfully passed first year of college after doing really badly at school, so do at least have that still, its curreny his only saving grace! No idea what he'll do after college though. Maybe sticking with the job for now for yours will be good for him. It's dull but reliable and perhaps the reality of doing this sort of work long term will eventually motivate him to look for something else or work towards something else longer term. Another issue we have with DS is his endless lies. He lies all the time. Which is another Adhd trait. Its really tough bringing up kids like this. As it sounds likely he is ND, remember lots of their behaviours are things they find difficult to control. There is a great book called "How not to murder your adhd kid". It might be worth having a read.....

Sounds like he has ASC. The immediate picking up of the gangster behaviour is just trying to fit in. Lots of sensory issues.

It’s interesting as my experience of young people with ASC is that they are very honest and can’t lie. However, a friend with a son with ASC thinks he does lie a lot. I’m wondering if it is about saying the ‘right thing’ or not being in trouble when that’s hard to navigate

Maybe some of these kids are just brats.

My son is a brat. I loved him and encouraged him his whole life and he was not an easy chilf.

I brought him to to occupational therapy, speech therapy, you name it, loved him, laihhed with him, read to him every night, drew robots with him, i was always in his corner. But not enmeshed in an unhealthy way, as he approached 13, I gave him space, never chased him for a hug (he was very affectionate as a young boy, but I never crowded him it's he rejected me) I tried to keep things light, tried to start every day as a fresh slate (even though he was always a shit the day beforehand). I cleaned up mess and wrappers and picked up wet towels and told myself, it takes 5 minutes, but bit by bit by bit, my attempts to keep a connection open and avoid "nagging" him resulted in a situation where I was walking on eggshells shells around him.
I looked on a few YouTube clips and so many comments condemn the mother for not loving enough 🙄

He has DLD. OP says so.

I’m sorry the school was so rubbish. In my experience they have little understanding of DLD or how to support it.
I don’t know whereabouts you are but have you looked at different types of college level courses - would something like car mechanics suit him better. There is a college near me that does outdoor education, things like groundskeeping, equine studies, fisheries, tree surgeons, animal management.
What about an apprenticeship?

To be honest I feel hopeless and broken. The weed situation is getting worse I could smell it in my house and he refused to let me look in his bag. I feel like I am walking on 🥚 around him because of his temper. He didn't even give me all the rent today, normally he has been fine it's just spiralling. And I can't do anything because unless he is willing to engage then I can't get him to GP or get him assessed. I can't help him to get a better job or go back to education if he doesn't want to. I can't make him do anything. My only choice is to kick him out and I can't do that so I feel like I have a stranger living in my home holding me to ramson.
This is why I feel like I hate him, because he makes me feel powerless and helpless because I can't do anything to help him. I worry constantly every day as some nights he doesn't come home. No text or message. Everything is on his terms. I can't even go away on holiday because he won't come and I can't trust him in my home. I can't expect him to stay elsewhere, who wants to deal with that. I have been asking for help since he 3 with his Sen and since he was 16 with his behaviour and all I have had is we need his consent and now he is 18 I have no chance. I'm scared, worried and angry and just want to run away because I can't face what he may become.

In my desperation, i had drawn up a list of options. One was to rent a room for him, somewhere cheaper but even that would have cleared me out of my saving. My plan was to pay for a year, and make it clear, you have a year before you pay your own way because im DONE.

As your son already has a job and is 18, maybe you could execute a version of this plan but with a 6 month deadline for him to be self sufficient. Would your husband be supportive of a plan like that?

My other plan was a caravan in the "drive way". Neighbours might have complained but I wasn't scared of them. We live in a busy area, supermarkets and gyms all around us, so I had been going to get a portaloo for the caravan but tell him to use another bathroom when possible (not mine).

I just wanted him gone out of my house. He was so horrible to me and yet, kicking him out seemed extreme, so these options felt like stepping stones to kicking him out.

Sounds like my asd son too unfortunately

ASD or attatchment disorder did jump out at me from what you described in your first post.

Has he been selling weed as well? So many teenagers get hooked into the county lines industry. They are groomed into thinking that the people heading up these 'businesses' are their friends and before they know it, they are in big trouble.

When you catch your breath a bit with your son, sit down and see if any of the symptoms of ND also apply to you.

You use hyperbolic but inaccurate emotional language in your opening post, seem surprised when others here react strongly to your use of hate, haven't picked up for 18 years on the obvious ways he's different (because he is in many ways not that different from family members?), you say horrible things to your kid when provoked you said (and find this logical - but that's not really how parents react to kids being horrid!), don't know the priorities in what makes other people tick (gangs vs energy drinks) and most important, you have a likely ND son which means there's a huge chance it runs in your and his dad's family.

Look for female presentation of autism/ADD/ADHD/aspergers/...

Best of luck, it sounds really tough.

@Meltinthemiddle I haven't read the whole thread, but really wanted to ask you to get him an assessment for ADHD and autism. He sounds as though he is really struggling with himself, and he really needs a diagnosis to allow him to understand himself, his behaviours and the way his brain works. ADHD isn't just hyperactivity. There's three types of adhd - hyperactive, inattentive, and combined. A lot of people with adhd unknowingly self-medicate with energy drinks and cannabis. Energy drinks have the opposite effect on an adhd brain - they actually cause a calming effect. ADHD medication is a stimulant, and it causes a calming effect on the brain. Energy drinks are a stimulant, so I think he's discovered something that helps him cope. They do have other health effects (can adversely affect the heart) so something to discuss later down the line once he has hopefully received a diagnosis. I'm sure your son is very confused about why he has so many struggles, and finds day-to-day tasks challenging. You clearly want to help him, and things will get better. I realised I have adhd at the age of 36, and what helped me is watching adhd content creators on Instagram and TikTok. Being able to relate to the traits was so freeing. I had a lot of struggles as I didn't realise just how differently my brain works. Encourage him to watch videos as I'm sure he will find them very relatable.

I've seen some idiotic stuff on here but this is up there.

It's hard to say what's what.
Is it impact of covid, I was
It the bullying or is the weed use.

I think I'd be making very clear

If you want to smoke weed or treat peoples poorly you'll be doing for somewhere else.
I understand that feels harsh and he may CHOOSE to go down a bad path but you need to have standards for your own home.

And it's not good for a person to be hated where they live - I'm sure he knows it.

He needs to know he can do better for himself and you won't permit him to behave this way in your home.

If he wants to be and adult and make demands and smoke weed he can have the responsibility of finding his own place to stay.

@Meltinthemiddle I've just read a few of your most recent replies and wanted to point out that Neurodivergent people really struggle with the working environment, and I think it's great that your son is managing to work part-time. I get the impression that you think it's a dead end job, and you have probably expressed this to your son too? This isn't going to make him feel better about himself. A fast food restaurant is the type of working environment that ND people can cope with as it's the same thing day-in, day-out. Knowing what the working day will expect from you every shift is very settling for a ND brain, and it's ok for your son to have this job. He can work his way up to supervisor then manager in years to come if that's what he's happy doing. There are many content people working in fast food restaurants.

That's my other fear!! I don't think think I could cope if so.