I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

[Meltinthemiddle]

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

OMG please please please do not ever mention "hey watch some documentaries about serial killers" to any parent who's struggling, we all struggle as parents at some point it doesn't make all kids serial killers .I doubt you have any qualifications in the subject WTF is wrong with you !

My DD has many if not all of the symptoms you describe. Anxiety, time blindness, inability to keep a part-time job, obsessions, immaturity. She is 25. She was on anti depressants for 8 months, but they didn't help. The structure of her school days masked the symptoms mostly.

She diagnosed herself by researching online, so we paid privately for an adhd assessment only last week. She has ADHD, the inattentive type, which is what would have been ADD, so without the hyperactive bit.

I completely get your state of mind, of course you love your son, the judgemental posts on here are shameful. Some people just have no idea. If you want to pm me for a chat do feel free.

rogue100 unbelievable

I’ve noticed when people are addicted to weed they can get angry and snappy when they don’t have it

Thank you Dr Ruth,Wiccan and Nicker for positive replies.DrRuth thank you for the links,. although DS got the diagnosis and EHCP we never got any information or support. I've struggled to get alot of information as it's not commonly known although they are trying to highlight its awareness. I have been fighting for support since he started nursery as something wasn't right, but he always tried hard and was well behaved him school. We thought it was dyslexia, ASD then we went down the speech and language route suggested by SENco. I've not just allowed it to get to here..I paid for tuition for dyslexia for years as his literary was behind.

After lockdown his anxiety to school went through the roof and the stress of GCSES's changed him. This is just a snap shot. I tell him I care, I worry and love him all the time and in the things I ask. Eg. Can you let me know where you are and if you are home? Make sure have something to eat I've left you some...... I don't ask him to do anything other then make sure he stays safe and looks after himself.

I can't believe the number of posts where parents are asking for help and everything they write is picked apart and critised and the blame put on them. .

The advice is either you obviously don't love them and it's your fault, you are have neglected their needs, you nag or expect to much, too many rules/boundaries or kick them out as they sounds horrible and they need to learn to be an adult and have respect. They are lazy and you are treating them like a baby, they need to do have rules and boundaries.

You do not know the whole situation or the person behind the post. As the saying goes do not judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes

Please don't be hard on yourself I know exactly what you are going through my eldest was like this and still is even in her 30s and my youngest is dyslexic. Had sod all help from their schools and we knew more about dyslexia than the damned teachers .It is hard to get the help you need . The blaming & shaming on MN is terrible . None of us are perfect parents we are all just winging it .

My DS exhibited similar behaviour at around 18. He was threatened with expulsion from college so many times . He kept his part time job because I pushed him and like you I drove him to work . He was smoking weed. He said some terrible things to me when I was doing my best . I know how upsetting it is . He was diagnosed with ADHD and traits of autism at age 20. He took meds for a while but decided to stop . He was lucky to get a construction apprenticeship. I think the physical work and the very “male” environment has been good for him as they would soon call him out if he got cocky . He has joined a gym too . He is a good lad really and very articulate. He is now starting to mature though he still has the occasional meltdown. I can see the triggers now and how to work round them . It’s been hard work and emotionally draining . I hope it works out for you and your son OP.

Just want to echo what others have said.

This screams autism to me, exactly like my DS (now 17), is. A lot of his behaviours derive from anxiety and he's found that taking anxiety meds have made his world a happier place.

Try to get him that diagnosis as understanding is the key, it's not a magic fix but you can frame the world much easier if there is a reason for behaviours. I'd start with the GP.

He is obviously an adult so you will need his 'buy in' which may, obviously, be an issue.

OP if you post for advice you need to expect that some people are going to give you responses you don’t want to hear.

What exactly was the advice you were expecting?

That you’re doing everything perfect and he was obviously just born bad and that you need to just wash your hands of him?

A lot of us work with people who are ND or have kids with ND or are ND ourselves. There’s also parents who’ve had difficult teens who aren’t ND.

We are just giving you advice based on our experiences, which is what you wanted surely.

The fact that you think you should have no blame in this says a lot about you as a parent and why you’re in the difficultly you’re in.

Every single one of us can improve on our parenting.
And if you want your situation to change then it starts with you. Just like it would for all of us posting for advice.

Your son is not bad.
The things he is doing are causing you worry which I’m sorry for but he’s not a bad lad.
The words that you are using to describe him are very harsh considering his issues are drinking energy drinks and not brushing his teeth, you make it sound like he’s an out of control thug.

It gets more difficult to navigate ASD as they encounter more and more different situations when growing up.

My Dd is ASD. She is sociable and maintains eye contact with some people but not all. She does with us. She won’t go to school, hates crowds and noise and has lots of anxiety.

I hear you OP. I have had a difficult relationship with my eldest son (weed related). Things are a bit better now - he's 21. He's away travelling now so maybe I am forgetting the horror of it. My DD is 17 and is proving to be very difficult. Totally disrespectful, smoking weed too, says really hateful things to me and at times has got physical with me. Now I try not to react as I find it so so upsetting. It hurts a lot and I have no answers OP, just want you to know you are not alone. Sending hugs

I have always assumed ADHD with a hyper child, wouldn't say he overly active

A lot of people do. That's why you end up with adults who didn't get their needs met as kids and this is what you end up with. I'd throw PDA in there as well tbh. That is not blame but you need to parent him as if he is. Join some groups on SM. Get some first hand advice from people in the same boat.

He needs proper assessment.

ADHD can also be passive. I was thinking PDA too.

Tbh it's a national scandal how many bairns have slipped through the net without the support they need and families with no resource available to them or help. It's disgusting really. You have to knowledge up and fight tooth and nail for anything. It's exhausting.

I'm so glad he has found his path and things have worked out. Did he have any signs/struggles before 18? DS has always had meltdowns but nothing like this since he was a toddler. He would just scream and scream until sick in pure frustration, and this is how he is now he now. Also very much got this defence up and new persona. I barely recognise him when he is angry and stressed.

DS has always had meltdowns but nothing like this since he was a toddler. He would just scream and scream until sick in pure frustration, and this is how he is now he now. Also very much got this defence up and new persona. I barely recognise him when he is angry and stressed.

This is awful OP. See if you can get him urgent help.

I can't answer for the poster your have replied to but for my son his behaviours come in waves aligned with how he is coping at the time.

So when he was really struggling that's how he was behaving but now his needs are being met and he has addressed his anxiety with medication he is coping he's fine and the behaviours have improved. Basically he is able to find the words and recognise the signs that he is not coping. It's hard to do that when you are in crisis but much easier when your needs are understood which is why I think, for your son, diagnosis will be key.

I know I am not a perfect parent did I say I was? I am far from it hence why I am on here. I am trying my best but I am only human. It's easy for people when they are not in the heated situation to say you should have done this or said that. That's why I reflect alot and own up when I have said or done something I shouldnt.

But when people are making assumptions that I don't love him or I resented him since a baby and this could be feeding into his behaviour is wrong. I haven't written every single thing on here that's happened like I have said I have only posted a snap shot to our present situation. But for full background he has been in gangs, smashed my window, his TV, ran away, stolen from me etc and I have pulled him back relentlessly. Some of the people I have seen him with look like thugs so yes I am worried! We have seen glimpses of our old son in the last year since leaving school but he is still difficult. Hence why I am asking about his behaviour as a toddler-adult and asking could it be more then DLD and what help there is.

i fought for his EHCP thinking I would get support. We got nothing. They probably say down to COVID. It's worth nothing.

Thank you Belge. Hang in there and sending hugs your way also. It's tough you cry out for help and there isn't any. You get judged and blamed yet no one is willing to help or give you a realistic solution. People say I would let my D's speak to me that's way etc but what if they did? What if you took their phone off them as a punishment and then they ran away to teach you a lesson? What if you switched off the WiFi and so they smashed their TV. What if you stopped their pocket money? So they steal from you. What if they refused to go to school? So you wake them up and they refuse to move? You take away their stuff which causes more aggression and things getting broken. Call the police. Yes done that. They have a chat, but they can't force them to go to school and neither can the parents according to the police. They will contact school and SS. Youth worker recommended great! But they need DS consent. DS refuses. We will leave a number but taking him off the wait list. Teachers can't help became he isn't in school. GP no help here unless you get consent.

The answer on here seems to be kick them out! What if you kicked them out? And then then they end up on the streets in a drug den and in Roisin or dead.

OP my 18yo DS has been pushing all boundaries in recent months with very similar behaviours to yours. It's so hard, you love them because they are your child but it's difficult to like them.

Although your DS has similar personality traits to my DS I would question if he needs a diagnosis of being ND. For some people it helps to understand why they do and think the way they do, for others it's a label that becomes difficult to accept and understand. This can then obviously lead to them rebelling and pushing against the diagnosis.

I hope things get easier for you. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Hopefully at some point you'll get your boy back and you can move on from this

But for full background he has been in gangs, smashed my window, his TV, ran away, stolen from me etc and I have pulled him back relentlessly.

But these are things that are worrying and would be the first thing I mentioned.
Drinking energy drinks and vaping are completely irrelevant.

Its so difficult and I honestly wish you the best of luck because no one wants to be in this situation but you do need to pick you battles.

Nagging at him for not brushing his teeth or drinking energy drinks (although I understand why) is not helping when he’s stealing off you and smashing things.

It sounds wrong but you do have to let some things slide, in order to have control over other things.

He is a young adult.
If he decides to vape, drink energy drinks or not brush his teeth then that’s his bad decisions and I would let these slide.
But you should absolutely not tolerate stealing off you or smashing things up and I would be calling the police if he doesn’t listen to you.

I appreciate it’s easier said than done but I’m just giving you my advice from the things I’ve experienced and what seemed to work for them.
You don’t have to listen and it may not work for your son.

The only reason I’m commenting is because I feel your pain and want to try and help.
I’m sorry if it’s coming across as an attack as I don’t mean it to be.

In the long run I would try and get him into a university to live in halls further away, so he is not around these people.
At the minute though your relationship is broken and he’s not going to listen to your advice so I would try and work on fixing that.
Now he has a gf he’ll also be more reluctant to live in halls further away too.

If the gf is a good influence then perhaps have her round yours more or encourage him to go round hers more.

OP, it all sounds very tough. I might have missed it, but how does DS feel about it all? Could you try and break the pattern somehow. I mean go the other way, so do something nice - I'd bet that feels counter intuitive, but maybe take him out for a meal to counter all the arguments - just you and him. Tell him you love him and you just want to talk to him as an adult, so you're not having a go. Ask him how he is - it must be hard for him to be so angry - ask him how life is going - is he okay. Ask him and how all the arguing makes him feel. If he can see you're not angry or having a go, it's possible he'll open up and maybe he'll even let you help him a bit. This is me assuming the weed hasn't just consumed him or taken him too far down that route - I hope that's not the case. Maybe you've tried something similar already, but if not, it might be worth a go. I hope you can find a way to claw him back though. Good luck!

Long shot, but if he likes gangs and tough guy behaviour, do you think he would consider joining the army? My lad smashed the house to pieces. We were at the end of our tether. Someone drip fed him army tales, and he began to fancy himself as a tough guy paratrooper. He didn't follow through with the para thing, but he is still in the Army.

@Meltinthemiddle ADHD is so not just the hyperactive kids jumping on furniture. The hyperactivity is often internalised and young adults generally have low self esteem and confidence because they just don’t understand why they are struggling. Just don’t assume he’s behaving this way because it makes him happy, he sounds as though he is struggling with him self as much as you are.

I think I will name change (again) after this but I know how you feel. I'm the single parent to a 17 year old who had completely gained dominance over me in the household. I was following all the normal suggestions, remaining calm, not nagging him excessively, I let almost everything go. But he wouldn't even put a pizza box in the recycling. He is intelligent but treated the house like a crack house. Every single morning I started the day with a clean slate, no assumptions that he was still a little sh1t, every morning I said good morning, hi, hello or something like that, hoping that maturity would kick in, trying to keep the connection open........... but nope, nothing, I got nothing back. A grunt. He only ever spoke to me to reprimand me I hadn't bought enough food, the right type of food. I tiptoed around him, I couldn't even ask him to only boil as much water as he needed for his cup of tea (and not more, because I'm paying the electricity bill). He roared at me to shut up. I was at the end of what I could endure. I reached out for help but I was told there is none, services at breaking point et cetera. Referred to advice on line. Geez. I went to the court house and was told I couldn't get a barring order or a safety order until he turned 18.

A lot of people with a man in the house do not understand how a teen boy will go in to adversarial mode with you and won't be happy until they're the boss in your household. I used to tell my son I loved him, he knows I love him. But in the end I had to tell him that my safety and peace was not a sacrifice to his comfort gaming all night.