I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

[Meltinthemiddle]

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

Do you have any links for this ? It makes so much sense ( the 3 years thing) I would like to be able to quote it.

He sounds like hes actually autistic. I get how hard this is but he needs your support.

It sounds like ADHD and autism and they are a common blend.

This sounds like ADHD. He needs an assessment and possibly will benefit from ADHD medication.

People with ADHD actually feel calmer and more able to focus after an energy drink. Caffeine doesn't affect them like it does those without ADHD.

He's self medicating with caffeine and weed.

Irritability and finds it very hard to deal with stress.
Great difficulty with time management because they can't assess time like non-ADHD. If a train is in 2.5hrs they can't work out what can be done in that time.

Time blindness means they focus on the task that is right this minute and things that are 2 days away don't even cross their mind.

They have to learn to time certain tasks or travel times and learn it that way.

ADHDs find it very hard to put a routine in place, they crave stimulation (because of the way dompamine works in their brain) yet cannot stay with mundane tasks.

There's a quiz here, answer it as if you were him and see what result you get.

https://www.unpackingadhd.com/resources/adult-adhd-spectrum-self-test/

It's great that he's able to hold down the part-time job considering the internal struggles he's coping with.

This just screams asd!

But the weed has to stop.

But this was last year, I can't say too much as then I am accused of being negative and having nothing good to say! I am hoping we don't go back there but there is always that worry he will as he is vulnerable. He has got better but then we regress Esperanza when asked to do something! As for the vaping I'm high lighting he is obsessive, it's not that he vapes but that he buys so many even when they aren't empty. He has lots of colours, flavours etc.isy an obsession. The not brushing teeth but obsessed about his hair or fluff on clothing is just strange I don't get it! He cares what he looks like but doesn't brush his teeth.The drinks and bad diet and weed is about the behaviours we are seeing now and the hings I have read on other threads so wondering if this is linked to Anything or just normal teen rebellion. I can't post every single details over the last few years.

You are close to a perfect parent...even when he is hurting you emotionally, you are still trying to help him. So here's my pennyworth. I remember that once my teenage son so angered me that I spat at him... I have no idea where that level of anger came from and I was mortified by my behaviour. There are two things I would say..one is that usually things improve as they mature. The other is that I would, when things are calm. sit near him and tell him you love him. You don't like aspects of his behaviour and in calm moments can ask about this..in small bites..and also ask him what he doesn't like about your behaviour too. Good luck.

Thank you very helpful! And thank you for your information on the weed and energy drinks! This is why I mentioned them, ok wasn't sure if they are linked to coping mechanisms. Some people have an energy drink now and then but it is every day, the weed does seem to calm him down even though I don't like it! As for whoever mentioned uni, he barely passed his GCSES'S, he has no aspirations. It's then here and now that matters to him.like who is meeting, what he is wearing l. I did think about the army but he hates being told what to do! I think he would like the brotherhood and social side just not the work side. I am hoping he will mature. It's like he is a 14/15 not 18 years old.

@Goldencup its their executive functioning and emotional maturity that lag behind their NT peers not their actual ability because of course it’s not a learning disability, it’s an inability to do what you know needs to be done. If you google it there are loads of articles explaining it and how it affects teens and adults.
@Meltinthemiddle Look up adhd and toothbrushing - it’s really a thing. I just thought DS was lazy, he isn’t.
I have adult children diagnosed as adults with ADHD, one of whom was gruelling to parent and one who was much easier. Both ADHD with some comorbid disorders too but both very different. Knowing there’s a reason has made it easier for them to understand themselves and for us to understand that they’re not doing it for kicks or to annoy us.

If he is ND you will be the safe one he doesn’t have to try so hard in front of.

Are you going to get an assessment for him?

Yes that is what I meant. It would help massively with reasonable adjustments if people understood this.

Guys, he already has an ND diagnosis - that is not in question. DLD - developmental language disorder - is a neurodevelopment condition. It also excludes autism; officially you can't have both.

DLD can look very like autism - it's one of the alternative diagnosed we explore in diagnostic assessment.

He could have ADHD on top. I see he also has dyslexia. This is v common in DLD.

https://mainstreamsen.wordpress.com/2016/08/06/language-learning-impairment-the-poor-relation-to-dyslexia-and-autism/

Thank you Dr Ruth I didn't realise he couldn't have both. With DLD I just thought it was language.and communication which obviously effects literacy, processing etc. I didn't think other behaviours could be related to his condition. I never thought about ADHD has when I've looked when he was young at the symptoms/checks he never quite fitted the criteria.dame for ASD! I wish there was more support and awareness for DLD like dyslexia.

‘But if you look at TV documentaries or read anything about serial killers, they are generally not loved by their primary care giver’

I think this may be the most unhelpful comment I have ever read on here, and there is some strong competition.

“The not brushing teeth but obsessed about his hair or fluff on clothing is just strange I don't get it! He cares what he looks like but doesn't brush his teeth.”

It is entirely synonymous with autism. The things that they are obsessed about, they feel compelled to ruminate on. Other aspects of self care, they just struggle with so much. We see it as a contradiction. They don’t, they don’t even give it a thought. They just exist in the best way they can moment to moment.

To us, cleaning your teeth is a quick job to keep the mouth healthy and teeth white. To them, it may be a demand, a pressure, not a necessity (because it’s not one of their fixations). It is also really unpleasant for them 8n a sensory way: the feel of the brush, the taste of the paste, the texture of the wet paste.

My daughter, for example, can go a week without showering, because she can’t face the feel of the water on her skin, but if she sees a tiny hair in her scalp that isn’t as long as the others, she has to tweeze it out. She keeps a tweezer by the bed so that she has access to it every single time she feels the need to tweeze. She loves make up and will spend hours doing a beautiful face on top of dirty skin.

It feels like a contradiction to us, but it really isn’t, it’s just their way of existing and trying to avoid anxiety.

ADHD can go undiagnosed when someone else imposes a routine and that routine requires very little forward planning on their behalf.
Therefore, kids can do quite well in primary school because there is a high level of support and little chunks of homework every day. There's only tomorrow to think as far as. Mum makes sure the right books are in my bag and checks my homework is done.

Secondary school with forward planning needed (something isn't needed til next week for example) and larger assignments, plus the pressure of expectations, the thing starts to unravel.

ADHD people may have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria where they cannot tolerate rejection.
Sometimes a teacher might have said something critical and then that kid can barely even face that class ever again, type of thing.
Or they simply cannot do that teacher's homework ever again.
Or will start skipping that particular class.
But if you asked them about why they suddenly hate getting up for school, you might just get a shoulder shrug and an 'I dunno' from under the hoodie.
Because at that age teenagers don't have the oversight on all of that.

ND people are twice as likely to have hypermobility (double-jointedness). Hypermobility can contribute to poor handwriting and poor co-ordination and low muscle tone so they aren't good at sports.

Hi op, please take a step back, my 18 year sounds exactly the same (from the ages of 12-16), nothing we did in terms of discipline was effective. You need to keep lines of communication open, not take anything personally (although that’s very hard I know), I also believe my son has ADHD but refuses any kind of intervention.

He can’t manage time, has no organisational skills, spends what little wages he earns from his fast food job straight away on clothes, vapes and take away food. He’s obsessive, can’t process information and blames everyone else for not being able to find his stuff. He was smoking weed all the time I believe to self medicate. He stopped about 6 months ago.

This is very difficult, but you really need to relax rules (obviously have some boundaries) and distance yourself from when he kicks off. I can only speak from personal experience but this worked for my family- he’s actually really pleasant now, grateful and much less of an arse.

Good luck

@Meltinthemiddle I agree about the stepping back. It’s really hard particularly when there is some likely delay in maturity but your son is an adult and as such is allowed to make poor choices. Those of us with elderly parents will get this too. He has to abide by some basic rules like no violence in the home and being civil not threatening but unfortunately you can’t stop him being a twat. He knows he should brush his teeth etc, everyone does. Nagging him won’t make it happen, he will have to learn to make his own routine that works for him - that’s where maturity comes in.

Take a deep breath, step back and let him work it out. You can tell him what you think if he asks but otherwise leave him to it. He’s too old to be parented like a child and if he wants your help he will need to be civil. As it is you are both in constant battle mode and that’s not helping.

My DS has PDA and ADHD.. he is much younger, he isnt particularly hyper but his ADHD means he has very poor impulse control and is very emotionally reactive which combined with his PDA means he can say and do some really foul things, but underlying it is intense anxiety and fear of rejection. It feels like sometimes he pushes us so far to see if he can 'make' us reject him, proving him correct in his anxiety, insecurity and rock bottom self esteem. It's so hard because on the one hand I have to teach him that he cannot behave and speak to people like he does, while not making him feel in trouble or unloved as that would just escalate things.. at the moment I can weather the screaming abuse and walk away, so I can come back when things are calmer to hug him and tell him I love him but I cannot let him say these things without telling him its wrong. I know this will get much harder as he gets older and has more choices though. I can see and hear how much you love your son and are frightened for and by him. I also think from what you have said it is very likely he has ASD +/- ADHD. He already has a developmental speech disorder which is a disorder and they rarely exist in isolation...

Hi - I've not read the whole thread but listen or read dirty laundry. It's on audible... you will resonate a lot with the first hand and 3rd person accounts of ADHD. Highly recommend

Did your child that was gruelling to parent become easier to know as an adult please?

And Op this sounds exactly like my daughter who got an ADHD diagnosis at 16.. Self medication is a serious problem

‘Gruelling to parent’ resonates so much with me - and my 13 year old who has suspected ADD (and didn’t get a diagnosis largely because he wouldn’t cooperate with assessment 🤦‍♀️
We are doing our best but I can see him ending up with mediocre qualifications even though he is bright, drifting along with no direction.

@wishmyhousetidy Yes! But what made the difference was getting the diagnosis as a young adult which finally confirmed to them they weren’t mad or stupid and also that we weren’t shit parents. It has made a huge difference to our relationship. They understand why they have issues and that it is something that they will have to deal with their whole life. We understand that we have to have different expectations and that when things are good we say so with bells on. The damage that growing up thinking you’re just a fuckup does to self esteem cannot be underestimated.

All that said, they still make decisions that make my toes curl sometimes and the impulsivity can be hard but they’re adults who have to be able to make their own choices, good or bad and work with the consequences. We’re learning to go with the flow and just say ok because actually we all had to start somewhere and none of us hit adulthood and don’t fuck up occasionally it’s an ongoing process.

Understand that your adult child at 18 is actually as mature as your average 15 old but with additional things to deal with on top of all the hormones etc.

@Patchworksack gruelling really sums it up. It isn’t easy watching them fail but if you think your son is ND treat them as though they are and modify your behaviour accordingly because it will help. Change your expectations of what they should able to do because they won’t but it’s not because they don’t want to. It’s so important to realise as a parent they’re not behaving this way because it makes them happy or to just push your buttons. For every ffs moment you have there are probably having it too but it’s aimed internally at themselves because they know they’re ‘failing’.

Sounds like typical ADHD or even possible ASD. Losing things, emotional dysregulation, lack of focus, time management ie.,being late etc.

He's definitely struggling. And he could be struggling with different issues and traumas. The weed will only make things worse but I give him credit for keeping his job.

As you said you can't kick him out.. there's nowhere for him to even go to and if he's emotionally immature, he may not be ready to cope on his own.

Sit him down and ask him how he's feeling and what he feels he needs help with.

Support him in going to see your GP and ask for a referral for ADHD and ASD. Let the GP take things from there.