I hate my 18 year old teenage son..

[Meltinthemiddle]

I wish I never had kids if I'm honest and don't know where I went wrong with him. He was always a difficult child, difficult pregnancy, screaming baby, major toddler tantrums until he was sick and blaming things on others like his brother, always blatantly lying, obsessive with things like toys etc. He would collect things obsessively, then move onto the next phase.

He does have a speech and language issue and we managed to get a EHCP when at school but then lockdown happened. He then had major anxiety when he went back, was bullied got into the wrong crowd put us through hell etc but we managed to claw him back. But now he's starting again. He can be nice when things go his way but he can be very manipulative when he wants something. He is just so immature, he works 3 days a week in a fast food place and has no real aspirations. He earns his money and spends it on vapes, weed and clothes. He has so many vapes and clothes it's just an obsession. He also has to keep.all the packaging. He freaks out about fluff on his clothes, hair being out of place yet doesn't bother brushing his teeth. He just has a real temper, if he does anything wrong he blames others.
When meeting friends he gets so stressed about being late, yet has no sense of time and is poorly organised. Tonight it kicked off because he said I made him miss the bus became I asked to brush his teeth (he had been sat on his phone for an 15mins doing nothing). He then demanded a lift saying it was my fault, I was cooking tea and said no. He got so, so angry. Started speaking all gangster with hand gestures and facial expressions. He just seemed like some gangsta boy from the hood. I didn't handle it to well and lost my temper as he's been testing me for weeks (not answering his phone or messaging of not home) He barged pass DH and they nearly had a fight. He then refused to leave the house when we asked him and he was becoming aggressive.I didn't deal with it well but I've been worried. He doesn't eat Properly, vapes, smokes weed and sleeps out god knows where. Drinks energy drinks and doesn't brush his teeth. Shitty diet etc. I feel ashamed and embarrassed about his behaviour and the person he is. Of you have go this far thank you for reading. Basically I'm worried about him and lost by temper in frustration. I never see him moving out to be honest and wish he would just leave a he is a constant worry and drain.

For someone over 18, the routes are either via GP and onward referral or a private assessment with a psychiatrist.
He needs to be willing to see a GP either alone or with you. It’s helpful to go in really prepared with a thorough list of how he meets the criteria so that they take you seriously and refer you.

It's difficult to really assess as the weed will have affected his cognition and mental health. Did he struggle with learning and concentration in school?
Not everything is ASD and ADHD. Also, if you knew it was, it doesn't make everything plain sailing! You just have a difficult son with autism.

Sounds like my older teen. He is autistic. We work together to put strategies in place to support him and teach him to advocate for himself when he’s struggling with something.

This has moved on a bit but there will come a time (and it's nearly there) where you have to drop the rope and stop treating him as a child. He has choices and responsibilities and he either steps up or is out. You mention a brother, is he agressive towards his sibling? It is hard, he is your "baby" but you need to lay it out. You do this, this and this and you can stay. If you don't you are out. It's not down to you to find him somewhere else, that's on him. It might make him grow up and realise home and your rules isn't that bad.

For me the line would be weed and aggressive behaviour. I hope it all works out for you, whichever route you take.

Almost everyone on this thread is rushing to a NT diagnosis.

You might all be right.

But what I picked up on your v long op, @Meltinthemiddle is there isn't one nice or affectionate word about your child. And you, and this was your choice, mentioned unborn, baby, child, up to now.
He might have something diagnosable. But if your mother doesn't love you (and, yes, I'm sure you'll say you do, but read your OP again through this perspective) then you're fucked.

He is definitely ND!

Although I get your frustrations, I actually don’t think he sounds that bad and I actually think you need to step back a bit.

Being ND makes him more vulnerable so it’s a worry he’s hanging around with the wrong crowd but that’s why it’s important that his home is his calm, safe space so he’s not finding excuses to not come home.

Does it really matter if he’s not brushing his teeth, vaping or buying every drinks?

You sound like you’re babying him and want to control his every move but he needs to learn for himself.

The weed smoking is not ideal but I smoked a lot when I was younger and arguing with him isn’t going to make him stop.

Its almost like because you baby him he’s doing it to rebel against you.

It’s so difficult because he still needs you and you want to make sure he’s safe but at the same time you need to loosen the reins and pick your battles.

P.s. look at how you chose to title this thread

Trauma can very easily turn someone into becoming ND and it’s very possible that he has trauma.

If your parents have resented you from the day you were born I would definitely say that that is traumatic.

To be honest I was listing all the issues we are having as those are what stand out and I'm wondering why. Of course I love him but I don't particularly like how he is behaving. It's been 2 years of worry and stress, I'm broken and it doesn't seem to be ending. If I didn't love or care for him then I wouldn't be posting or feeling shit. I would have kicked him to the kerb. I have said horrible stuff in retaliation like any parent when pushed and like now I'm off loading. But I have always say sorry and explained why and that ultimately I'm scared and worried. I also having my own hormones to deal with so it's just making me lose my shit more then I'd like.

But if I'm honest if I'd known what having teen is like I would never have had children! I hate this feeling of worry and frustration and helplessness so much different to when they are little. I should be allowed to vent on here and said how I feel even if horrible without being judged. I would never say it out loud or to my Ds. But it's how the situation is making me feel. I just want to run away from it all.

He looks ill and thin, his teeth are starting to look dirty and brown. That's why I'm worried. As you know NHS dentists are scarce. He is a good looking boy and he looks awful right now 😕

How have I resented him from the day he was born? I stated he was a difficult pregnancy, birth and baby. He used to scream and cry alot more so then my other child. Have really big toddler melt downs. I haven't said I resented him as a baby, I'm trying to make sense of the situation and find any links and whether this was a symptom. I can't write every detail down.

Hey op, I have to say that nearly everything you have written screams neurodiverse to me. I am not going to diagnose because obviously it is only a snapshot of a post but the screaming baby, obsessive collecting, time blindness, friendship issues, speech issues, teeth brushing issue all rings alarms for me. My dc are autistic and ADD although in their case the hyperactivity shows in a completely different way to what might be stereotypical.

That does not mean you can not address the issues with his behaviour though!

Your son is clearly Autistic and probably ADHD too. You have a lot of work to do to undo the damage/ trauma that going undiagnosed all these years has caused him. He has been completely unsupported and has never learnt healthy coping mechanisms or strategies to manage his impulses, emotions, mental health etc.

I’m not blaming you for not recognising the traits and getting him diagnosed and supported / medicated as a younger child (your ideas about Autism and ADHD are based on stereotypes- plenty of Autistic people can maintain eye contact and be verbal and social, and plenty of kids with ADHD aren’t hyper all the time). But it is even less his fault, and it’s now your responsibility to get him diagnosed, supported, start to understand himself, and then to start teaching him the strategies he needs to function happily in society as a neurodivergent young man. He has got to this age believing he is broken, bad at life, different to others who find life easier to understand and navigate. His self esteem and self worth are through the floor. He will be feeling like his life is set on “hard mode” when his friends are all on easy mode. He is coping in the only ways he knows how - self medicating, lashing out, escaping, avoiding, and getting in with a crowd who tell him they accept him as he is.

It’ll be a long slog to bring him up to where he needs to be - acceptance, understanding, learning, embracing his neurodivergence etc - for him and all of you. You have some undoing and unravelling to do before you can build him up again. Lots of effort but not a lost cause if you get stuck in.

Use the list that a PP has kindly made of all the traits, take it to the GP and ask for a referral to CAMHS or AMHS for Autism and ADHD assessments. In the meantime, read up on both and start parenting him NOW as if he is Autistic and ADHD. This means a completely different type of parenting.

Best of luck.

Please understand, I'm trying to look at it from the child's perspective

And I'm not judging you, and certainly not judging any differently to all the posters who are diagnosing your child. It's just I'm looking at it differently.
And I honestly understand its tough when your child is behaving in ways you hate

Of course I love him but I don't particularly like how he is behaving

there is not one iota of the above statement in your OP
And I can not fail to think therefore that your feelings don't come across to your child.

I'm not meaning to be nasty to you, or minimise anything you're going through.
But if you look at TV documentaries or read anything about serial killers, they are generally not loved by their primary care giver. And I see no love in anything you've written

I completely understand but all he’s hearing right now is you constantly nagging him and he’s going to be doing the opposite of what you say (which many teens do).

When do you say anything positive to him?
Because teens are very sensitive and they take anything negative you say to heart and they think you hate them.

Not brushing his teeth is disgusting but
If he’s got a gf then he should start brushing his teeth anyway, especially if she makes a comment to him.

But you need to pick your battles.
If the teeth brushing is the biggest issue then lay off the comments about energy drinks or vaping.
So many teens (and adults) vape and drink loads of energy drinks and I wouldn’t even comment on it.

He doesn’t need to ring or text you all of the time but as he’s still living in your home then there needs to be some communication, so there needs to be a compromise.

Teens are difficult but it doesn’t last forever.
Pick your battles and decide what’s really worth arguing over.
I’m sorry you’re finding it so difficult.

I'm surprised he manages to keep his gf is he doesn't brush his teeth.

When ds came home a few weeks ago after smoking weed I was broken. Feeling like you. Everything you have just said is how I feel. You don't realise how easy parenting is when they are tiny, then they become teenagers and it's just worry and nothing else.

We have taken to hill climbing recently as a way to get out and about. DS has chores he always has to do to keep busy. I often join him on the dog walk to talk. Could you look into something similar?

We have regular family meetings in the evening to discuss stuff too, what he can expect from us and what we expect from him. So everyone knows where they stand.

DS went missing earlier this month which warranted police involvement, he wouldn't answer his phone. I was in a state. He was eventually found by police. He has promised he won't do it again, said he didn't realise we would be "that" upset. Can't believe the worry they can put us through!

I agree with a PP. Go out of your way to tell your DS you love them. I gave my DS a huge hug and he hugged me tightly back after he didn't his Houdini act the other week. DH and I both hugged him and made sure we told him he is so loved. Teenagers need to hear this from you. They really really do.

Wishing you the best. No.advucr but hang in there and look after yourself. Ignore thr unhelpful posters who are just having a dig - just ignore then, don't let them get in your head.

You can go through right to choose psychiatry-uk.com/right-to-choose-asd/ Quicker than NHS and they do ADHD AND autism assessments.
FWIW lots of indications in your initial post point to this as a possibility.

And by the way, I think the title of your post is misleading. You wouldn't be posting if you didn't care. I get where you're coming from. Try the assessments, it may be the best thing you ever do for him. And it may help you understand him better and repair your relationship. It's ok to hate someone's behaviour but still love them.

Developmental language disorder is a diagnosis and it is a condition of neurodiversity.

https://gethackneytalking.co.uk/fact_sheet/developmental-language-disorder-dld-in-secondary-schools/

Read this, OP.

https://www.livewellsouthwest.co.uk/specialist-areas/developmental-language-disorder/2019/06/27/developmental-language-disorder-fact-sheet