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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 and rent

257 replies

overitallll · 17/07/2023 19:02

Today we decided DS ought to contribute to the household. He is 17 and doing an apprenticeship. He earns above minimum wage.
He has flat out refused to pay anything and thinks he should live at home for free as we earn much more than him.
We have a reasonable income but cost of living is affecting us.
DH and DS have now had a blazing row, which doesn't help, but I can't help being disappointed in DS's attitude.
What would you do???

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 20:38

In this situation, he'd have to pay rent.

It's the entitlement and bad attitude that would make me forge ahead with the plan.

If he'd come to you and tried to discuss it reasonably, I mightve given you a different answer.

At the end of the day, if you need the money, he needs to suck it up.

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 20:39

Lambiriyani · 17/07/2023 20:37

Why could a parents provide for a 15 year old and not a 17 year old?

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If they get benefits for the 15 year old but not the 17 year old if they are no longer in fte

curtainnetblind · 17/07/2023 20:40

Does he know how much things cost? Does he know how much child benefit is, the weekly food shop, gas, electricity, water? Council tax? Does he know how much your outgoings are and why he shouldn't at least contribute to the food shop.

Mine are 20 and 17, Ds1 is at uni and working a summer internship. All of that money is going in his LISA. Both of mine know all of the above and how much our mortgage payments are too just so they know.

I think it is a good lesson for children to learn money management. That can include him paying for his phone and maybe starting to do some things for himself like laundry to prepare him for the real world where he won't have a parent doing it. I do think asking him for a payment towards food and utilities isn't a bad thing.

He can also have a look on Spareroom.com to see what the equivalent room in a shared house would cost him, you might want to look too. Just remind him that that cost doesn't include buying his food and cooking it himself, every night.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:41

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 20:39

If they get benefits for the 15 year old but not the 17 year old if they are no longer in fte

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So it's transactional? Not a young person living in the family home?

Hellocatshome · 17/07/2023 20:42

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 20:36

Yeah obviously if you’re doing the saving for them, they’ve never been taught to save for themselves. The varying isn’t intrinsic, it’s learned.

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Setting up a standing order to pay some of his wages to me so I can put it into his savings account or setting up a standing order straight into a savings account is exactly the same thing it is still him saving. If he didn't want to save he wouldn't save and there would be nothing I can do about it. I'm not sure really what your problem is? I have suggested to 16 year old DS who has never had access to such money that it might be an idea to save some of it and he has agreed I'm not sure what part of that you think is me treating him as an infant.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:42

Yes, @curtainnetblind but it's not a shared house, is it, so there's a false equivalence.

Alargeoneplease89 · 17/07/2023 20:43

overitallll · 17/07/2023 19:15

Ok, so we only asked for £50 a month.
Currently we pay for his phone and I do all his washing, make him meals, packed lunches etc

I think it's not the money so much as his attitude that has upset me. He is very self centred.

£50 is nothing. I had to pay half my wage at 17. My dad was unable to work and we rented so had no choice.

His attitude is outrageous- if he wasn't so self centred and entitled I would saved his monthly contributions into a savings account and gave it back when he moved out. (If you don't need the money) Contributing towards the household is important for young people especially to learn how to budget and life isn't free.

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 20:43

@Maireas when do you think people should start charging their kids rent tho?

I have colleagues who have grandchildren and they are STILL financially supporting their kids in their mid 30s and are putting off retirement to do so.

If they'd been charged rent younger, they wouldn't be still taking the piss when they have kids of their own.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:44

No, life isn't free, but not everything has a price tag.

curtainnetblind · 17/07/2023 20:45

@Maireas yes but at 18 that is where he can choose to move to if he wants. I have friends with older children who didn't realise how good they had it at home until they moved out and everything became their responsibility for cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 20:46

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:41

So it's transactional? Not a young person living in the family home?

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It's about the cost of living. Losing benefits but having the same costs is difficult. I'd only want the young person to make up the gap. Otherwise the whole family needlessly suffers a drop of income.

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 20:48

twinmum2022 · 17/07/2023 19:35

He's 17... absolutely mental ideas in your response

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He's earning a reasonable amount, these all sound fair to me for £50! Why should op financially struggle while he gets to keep his entire salary for himself?

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:48

@Dacadactyl personally I think you should never charge them. If people are putting off their retirement, that's their choice. If mine wanted to do a supermarket shop, or drive me to work or pay for my hairdresser that was a bonus and not an expectation. They were taken to HSBC and started with savings accounts and had to budget loans at university. They are adults and seem to understand money and budget well. They dealt with student loans. In the family home, I don't charge rent.

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 20:49

Lambiriyani · 17/07/2023 20:37

Why could a parents provide for a 15 year old and not a 17 year old?

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No child benefit or UC for a child who is an apprentice. DC could stay and do A levels/college or home school and the family would still get support. There is no possibility of me making up the difference. Thankfully my DC does understand.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:50

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 20:46

It's about the cost of living. Losing benefits but having the same costs is difficult. I'd only want the young person to make up the gap. Otherwise the whole family needlessly suffers a drop of income.

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If someone is so desperately hard up that they need to do this, then that needs to be explained to the child. We're not charging you, but we're desperately in need of money is perhaps what the OP should say.

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 20:51

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:50

If someone is so desperately hard up that they need to do this, then that needs to be explained to the child. We're not charging you, but we're desperately in need of money is perhaps what the OP should say.

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The government no longer sees them as dependants so why shouldn't they contribute?

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:52

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 20:51

The government no longer sees them as dependants so why shouldn't they contribute?

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Why is it about the government? It's a family.

CurlsandCurves · 17/07/2023 20:53

My eldest is on an apprenticeship. Does a lot of hours so comes out with between £400-500 a week on average. He’s very sensible and is focussed on saving.

However I am doing that thing of charging him board but saving it for him for when he might need it, furnishing a house for example. He pays £160 a month. Plus his mobile phone bill. He’s got plenty left to do what he wants with. Goes on holidays, to festivals, driving lessons etc.

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 20:53

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:48

@Dacadactyl personally I think you should never charge them. If people are putting off their retirement, that's their choice. If mine wanted to do a supermarket shop, or drive me to work or pay for my hairdresser that was a bonus and not an expectation. They were taken to HSBC and started with savings accounts and had to budget loans at university. They are adults and seem to understand money and budget well. They dealt with student loans. In the family home, I don't charge rent.

@Maireas Just goes to show how different we all are.

Even if I was a multi-millionaire I would charge my kids rent to live at home.

LifeIsBusy · 17/07/2023 20:55

On the flip side of this. I was at uni in halls at 16 with no financial assistance, at 17 rented a flat with friends that I struggled to get someone to be my guarantor for (given my age) and were all here squabbling over £50 that covers somewhere to live, food, water, phone contract, WiFi, gas, elec... The guys got a good deal going here.

There is nothing wrong with teaching kids how to manage their money, by paying bills and not just spending every penny on absolute rubbish. Who is to say that OP won't put it in a savings account for him? Or buy him something he needs with it?

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 20:55

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:50

If someone is so desperately hard up that they need to do this, then that needs to be explained to the child. We're not charging you, but we're desperately in need of money is perhaps what the OP should say.

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It's not about being desperately hard up though, it's a very common situation. Many families could not adjust to a sudden drop in income like that and there is no need for it when the young person is earning good money with minimal expenses.

kiwivick87 · 17/07/2023 20:55

I would not charge my children to pay rent but I would expect personal expenses ie mobile phones , gym etc to be paid by them .
Mine have all lived at home for various reasons after graduating and have not charged rent but they have done the odd food shop,financed their social life and not scrounged money .
I would suggest that you pick your battles and as long as your son is good company and not taking the piss I would leave it ! Tell him to do his own laundry and help with general household chores.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 20:55

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 20:53

@Maireas Just goes to show how different we all are.

Even if I was a multi-millionaire I would charge my kids rent to live at home.

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Even if I was poor I wouldn't

tara66 · 17/07/2023 20:56

''What would you do??'' - what I did was sell my house and bought properties for both my children and a smaller one for myself.
When your DS turns 18 you can do that.

Lambiriyani · 17/07/2023 20:56

LifeIsBusy · 17/07/2023 20:55

On the flip side of this. I was at uni in halls at 16 with no financial assistance, at 17 rented a flat with friends that I struggled to get someone to be my guarantor for (given my age) and were all here squabbling over £50 that covers somewhere to live, food, water, phone contract, WiFi, gas, elec... The guys got a good deal going here.

There is nothing wrong with teaching kids how to manage their money, by paying bills and not just spending every penny on absolute rubbish. Who is to say that OP won't put it in a savings account for him? Or buy him something he needs with it?

You went to uni at 16?