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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 17 and rent

257 replies

overitallll · 17/07/2023 19:02

Today we decided DS ought to contribute to the household. He is 17 and doing an apprenticeship. He earns above minimum wage.
He has flat out refused to pay anything and thinks he should live at home for free as we earn much more than him.
We have a reasonable income but cost of living is affecting us.
DH and DS have now had a blazing row, which doesn't help, but I can't help being disappointed in DS's attitude.
What would you do???

OP posts:
EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 21:14

17 is young and probably in their first job. Let them have fun while a teen as they have a whole lifetime ahead of rent, mortgage, bill etc.

See I agree with this but a 17yo on mw will be bringing home £850 a month tax free, they could make up a small shortfall in family money and still have plenty left for fun. It's the benefit of an extra personal allowance in the family. DS is working the summer and the money will all be his, but he is still in fte so I get benefits for him.

Flopsythebunny · 17/07/2023 21:16

Lambiriyani · 17/07/2023 21:00

When the elderly live with their kids, should the elderly be asked to contribute?

(Elderly people living with their adult children does happen)

Of course an elderly relative should contribute. My MIL lived with us for 10 years and was expected to pay a third of household expenses.
Believe me, it was a lot cheaper for her than living alone and she had live in carers on hand, all her meals cooked, washing done, ferried to appointments etc.

itsmyp4rty · 17/07/2023 21:17

You don't charge a child rent no matter what they're doing IMO. I can't believe you're having blazing rows and wringing your hands over £12.50 a week - is it really going to make that much difference? What is he doing with the money he earns?

Have you asked him when he thinks would be reasonable for him to pay rent and how much? I think at 18 he's an adult and then he needs to contribute a bit - but don't just spring him on it! Discuss it with him and come to an agreement for the future so he can get used to the idea. Your husband sounds like an arsehole with no idea how to communicate or deal with teens TBH. Blazing row over £50 a month - honestly.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:28

Hellocatshome · 17/07/2023 20:42

Setting up a standing order to pay some of his wages to me so I can put it into his savings account or setting up a standing order straight into a savings account is exactly the same thing it is still him saving. If he didn't want to save he wouldn't save and there would be nothing I can do about it. I'm not sure really what your problem is? I have suggested to 16 year old DS who has never had access to such money that it might be an idea to save some of it and he has agreed I'm not sure what part of that you think is me treating him as an infant.

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No, it’s not the same thing, the fact he has to send you the money means you are supervising him and then you save it for him. It shows you don’t trust him to save for himself, that mummy has to be given the money to make sure he saves.

justanothermummma · 17/07/2023 21:33

One solution is to charge rent, but save it and give it to them when they're ready to leave home as a deposit. And tell them that's what you're doing?

Hellocatshome · 17/07/2023 21:35

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:28

No, it’s not the same thing, the fact he has to send you the money means you are supervising him and then you save it for him. It shows you don’t trust him to save for himself, that mummy has to be given the money to make sure he saves.

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I'm not going to argue with you. My son and I are both perfectly happy with the arrangement and we don't need you to approve.

LifeIsBusy · 17/07/2023 21:37

@Lambiriyani yes. Scottish system is slightly different to England allowing us to leave school earlier.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:40

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 20:51

The government no longer sees them as dependants so why shouldn't they contribute?

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That’s not really true though is it?

There is no UC deduction until an adult DC is 21yrs old as that is the age at which the government expects an adult DC to contribute to household costs.
https://ucnotes.co.uk/universal-credit-home-page/you-and-your-rent/non-dependant-deductions/

And under 25s who are not care leavers do not get the housing element of UC because the government assumes that they will have their housing provided for them by their parents.

Non-dependant deductions – Universal Credit

https://ucnotes.co.uk/universal-credit-home-page/you-and-your-rent/non-dependant-deductions/

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:47

Hellocatshome · 17/07/2023 21:07

I'm.with you but I suspect many people on here have been bought up differently to us. Everyone I know in RL thinks working kids (including those on apprenticeships) paying board is completely normal and expected.

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Snort. No, I was brought up the way you are advocating and it was a mistake for my parents to take my earnings off me. A mistake I have not repeated with my DC. I left home at 17 and when bat shit with all my earnings as I had money for the first time. Had no idea how to save for myself, by myself. Quickly got tons of credit cards maxed out, no idea about ISAs, no idea how to budget. All because my parents took rent and board off me from age 14 and then said they’d saved it to pay for……my wedding. Because I’m a girl see? And girls don’t need University. They need a big old wedding.

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 21:49

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:47

Snort. No, I was brought up the way you are advocating and it was a mistake for my parents to take my earnings off me. A mistake I have not repeated with my DC. I left home at 17 and when bat shit with all my earnings as I had money for the first time. Had no idea how to save for myself, by myself. Quickly got tons of credit cards maxed out, no idea about ISAs, no idea how to budget. All because my parents took rent and board off me from age 14 and then said they’d saved it to pay for……my wedding. Because I’m a girl see? And girls don’t need University. They need a big old wedding.

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You're not taking any personal responsibility for your decisions then?

Because lots of my friends parents did similar and they grew up into sensible adults.

And I wish my parents had taken a share of my earnings and saved them for me (and just generally spoken to me about money and saving. )

Maireas · 17/07/2023 21:49

That's dreadful, @ReleasetheCrackHen . I was brought up to pay rent in the parental home as well, so I was determined never to charge my own children for living in their own home.
Saved for your wedding!

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 21:50

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:40

That’s not really true though is it?

There is no UC deduction until an adult DC is 21yrs old as that is the age at which the government expects an adult DC to contribute to household costs.
https://ucnotes.co.uk/universal-credit-home-page/you-and-your-rent/non-dependant-deductions/

And under 25s who are not care leavers do not get the housing element of UC because the government assumes that they will have their housing provided for them by their parents.

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No, that's different again. Once they leave full time eduction you no longer get benefits for them, but they don't deduct from the remaining benefits. Once the child is 25, the family benefits are deducted.

So what you have written isn't really true is it?

notapizzaeater · 17/07/2023 21:52

Jesusmaryjosephandtheweedon · 17/07/2023 21:05

I cant get over the number of people on here saying they wouldn't charge their kids rent when they are earning a wage.

Mine are 8 and under so not relevant to me at the moment but from the time I got a part time job I was told you pay 1/3 of your wages to your mam. At the very least it teaches you that you have responsibility and your money is not just for partying, socialising, buying clothes etc there are practicalities first then you can use your disposable income for what you want. Why should my parents kill themselves working to pay for everything for me and I have more disposable income than they do.

I think I would expect a nominal.sum at the very least and when in full employment for it to be raised.

Seem to be going against the grain here.

That's what I was brought up with, third to the household, third in the bank and a third to spend on nights out / clothes etc

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:53

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 21:49

You're not taking any personal responsibility for your decisions then?

Because lots of my friends parents did similar and they grew up into sensible adults.

And I wish my parents had taken a share of my earnings and saved them for me (and just generally spoken to me about money and saving. )

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I grew up into a sensible adult but it took until my 20s. And yes, I do think my parents were responsible for failing to teach me how to be financially literate as a young teenager. Instead of teaching me how, they simply took my money and did it for me. Only the life they wanted for me, wasn’t the life I wanted for me. My future husband would take care of me they said. I didn’t need to know they said. I’m sure you would not wish your parents taking your earnings and saving it for an arranged (forced) marriage you did not want.

Mumtothreegirlies · 17/07/2023 21:55

No you’ll drive him away and he’ll start to resent his apprenticeship. It’s fair to expect him to pay for his own fancy clothes, nights out, car or whatever but I don’t think any good can come of charging him rent when he’s still in education.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:56

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 21:50

No, that's different again. Once they leave full time eduction you no longer get benefits for them, but they don't deduct from the remaining benefits. Once the child is 25, the family benefits are deducted.

So what you have written isn't really true is it?

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The only benefit you lose is child benefit. You wrote that “the government no longer sees them as dependents” which was not true, they are viewed as dependents until they are 21 for contributing to household costs and until they are 25 for housing costs (rent). The loss of child benefit only means the government doesn’t view them as a child, the government definitely views a 17yr old as a dependent.

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 22:00

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:53

I grew up into a sensible adult but it took until my 20s. And yes, I do think my parents were responsible for failing to teach me how to be financially literate as a young teenager. Instead of teaching me how, they simply took my money and did it for me. Only the life they wanted for me, wasn’t the life I wanted for me. My future husband would take care of me they said. I didn’t need to know they said. I’m sure you would not wish your parents taking your earnings and saving it for an arranged (forced) marriage you did not want.

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Not for the marriage, of course. But it's pretty usual and always has been historically for children to hand over a slice of their earnings once they start work. Whether the parents choose to save it or supplement their income seems neither here nor there.

Even my friends with wealthy parents tended to be asked to contribute a share of their earnings

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 22:03

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:56

The only benefit you lose is child benefit. You wrote that “the government no longer sees them as dependents” which was not true, they are viewed as dependents until they are 21 for contributing to household costs and until they are 25 for housing costs (rent). The loss of child benefit only means the government doesn’t view them as a child, the government definitely views a 17yr old as a dependent.

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What about in work benefits like UC?

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 22:03

Maireas · 17/07/2023 21:49

That's dreadful, @ReleasetheCrackHen . I was brought up to pay rent in the parental home as well, so I was determined never to charge my own children for living in their own home.
Saved for your wedding!

Yeah it was awful. Not surprised you’re also one whose parents did this as well. I’ll never take money off my kids either.

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 22:05

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 22:03

What about in work benefits like UC?

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I already linked the sources? Click on “show quote history”

SamBeckettslastleap · 17/07/2023 22:06

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 21:56

The only benefit you lose is child benefit. You wrote that “the government no longer sees them as dependents” which was not true, they are viewed as dependents until they are 21 for contributing to household costs and until they are 25 for housing costs (rent). The loss of child benefit only means the government doesn’t view them as a child, the government definitely views a 17yr old as a dependent.

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If your child leaves full-time education to start an apprenticeship, they are no longer considered your dependent. As such, families of apprentices are currently not entitled to financial support.
This includes any child maintenance you may be receiving through the statutory system and may also impact your working tax credits, housing benefit and/or council tax reduction.

I believe the same is for UC (I'm on tax credits waiting to be merged over due to disability)

They also have to pay for nhs prescriptions, dental and sight tests, and are not classed as dependents if applying for student financial support for uni (not relevant to me but will affect others)

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 22:07

SweetSakura · 17/07/2023 22:00

Not for the marriage, of course. But it's pretty usual and always has been historically for children to hand over a slice of their earnings once they start work. Whether the parents choose to save it or supplement their income seems neither here nor there.

Even my friends with wealthy parents tended to be asked to contribute a share of their earnings

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Er, usual for whom? It’s the 21st century in a multicultural society. I’m afraid that nothing is usual nor “always has been” at this point for the U.K.

Maireas · 17/07/2023 22:12

ReleasetheCrackHen · 17/07/2023 22:03

Yeah it was awful. Not surprised you’re also one whose parents did this as well. I’ll never take money off my kids either.

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I think the phrase "they knew the cost of everything and the value of nothing" applied to my parents..I was determined always to provide a welcoming family home to my children. I would never charge them for anything. My adult DC are excellent at money management. Also generous to me and their dad!

Dacadactyl · 17/07/2023 22:20

Maireas · 17/07/2023 22:12

I think the phrase "they knew the cost of everything and the value of nothing" applied to my parents..I was determined always to provide a welcoming family home to my children. I would never charge them for anything. My adult DC are excellent at money management. Also generous to me and their dad!

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I think your reluctance to charge rent may come down to the fact that you felt unwelcome in your own home.

Myself and DH had to pay rent in both parental homes. Didn't make either of us feel unwelcome.

Flamingoes12 · 17/07/2023 22:24

1000 a month isn’t a lot of money. If you are going to charge him something I’d take a token amount and save it, ready to give back to him when he leaves home.

He is just a baby as others have said let him enjoy the fruits of his labour for a little while. He’s going to have a bloody hard road ahead of him with things the way they are without you taking his money as soon as he gets his first job , before he has even found his feet or been able to have a little fun enjoying his new round cash.