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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager heard us having sex

155 replies

ElenaGreco76 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Okay, my teenager was home from uni. She’s 18, has a boyfriend and is very worldly wise. At about 2 in the morning when we assumed she was asleep my partner (her step-dad) and I had sex. I’m always mindful when the kids are in the house but I think without realising at the, ahem, crucial moment, I was a bit loud. The next day she was really off and I asked what was wrong. She said she heard us and is disgusted and that I sounded like ‘an animal in pain’ 😳. I was aghast and apologised but now feel really bad - like I’ve traumatised her. Thing is, I can remember hearing my own mum and it freaked me out — it was a very strange, disturbing noise and didn’t sound like my mum.

Should I feel bad? What should I say?

OP posts:
Hotpinkangel19 · 02/07/2023 23:22

Trauma seems like an extremely strong reaction to hearing someone have sex. Yes, it's not nice, but traumatic?

Jellifulfruit · 02/07/2023 23:37

LaBefana · 02/07/2023 21:38

@Jellifulfruit

I’d actually think you’re atypical, by not feeling a level of disgust hearing your parents shag.

That is one of, but not the most, silly things I have read on Mumsnet today. Plenty of people just think it's funny.

Truly? They’ve ACTUALLY heard it and “found it funny”? Not that they imagine IF they hear it they’ll find it funny?

Because I want to hear from the former, not the latter. They’re 2 different things.

Bit of a warped thing to find funny

Jellifulfruit · 02/07/2023 23:38

bladebladebla1 · 02/07/2023 21:29

H@Jellifulfruit k

😘😘

GoldieG · 02/07/2023 23:45

She should not have mentioned it i had an embarrassing experience two weeks ago with 19 year old son. He asked to borrow a nail file I told him it was in my bedside cabinet he came straight out and said its okay I will get one later. When I went looking for it I realised he opened the drawer to a big pink rampant rabbit,thankfully he never said anything or acted weird.

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:45

ElenaGreco76 · 02/07/2023 10:10

To be clear, I wasn’t aware I was making a noise at climax (I can be quite lost in the moment) and would absolutely not have done so with any conscious awareness. Even then I don’t think I do it often, it just happened to be an unusually strong orgasm.

The pillow suggestion sounds ideal.

Or forget the pillow and go for all hallow bellowing and enjoy yourselves

Hawkins0001 · 02/07/2023 23:46

After all she is an adult.

Liamgallaghersparka · 02/07/2023 23:51

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:17

OP said she was loud! So how do you know she wasn't screaming the house down? Why should she get over it? There is a good reason why people are disturbed by being exposed to family members' sex lives and that doesn't stop when children become adults. It's a taboo because we are genetically programmed to be disgusted and disturbed to avoid incest. I wonder how you, the OP and others who think this is no big deal would feel about hearing their adult children orgasming? Or their own mums?

Show quote history

👆This x1000

allmyliesaretrue · 02/07/2023 23:51

I heard my parents having sex once. I was in my early 20s. My first thought was that something was wrong with my mum, and then I realised! Very uncomfortable!

Ponderingwindow · 02/07/2023 23:51

No one wants to hear that, but it happens. You say, “sorry, we will watch the noise in the future” and move on.

importantly though, your daughter didn’t bring it up. You asked. She could have just been off for a morning and then gotten over it. She was handling the situation just fine.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 02/07/2023 23:58

I think she’s been outrageously rude. She’s trying to shame her mother for having sex in her own home. Tell her to grow up and get some manners.

SummerSun04 · 02/07/2023 23:59

She was probably a bit off as she felt so uncomfortable. Her reaction seems reasonable and so does OP, who feels embarrassed and will be quieter in the future.

I heard my parents and felt a bit traumatized, and I have experienced 'proper' diagnosed trauma. Their bedroom was beside mine. I felt scared, physically frozen, and sick. The physical reaction and overwhelming feeling is different from just finding something 'a bit grim'.

regustering · 03/07/2023 00:04

Ask her what animal you sounded like lol

LadyJ2023 · 03/07/2023 00:07

Sorry but we come from the kindof family nobody actually cares. If you love its a part of loving as all kids will grow up to learn and nothing to be ashamed of. Different if you were laid in sitting room or something...for all she knew it cud have been a tv...

SheerLucks · 03/07/2023 00:13

Keep a lid on it. You can.

Goodtimesforachange · 03/07/2023 00:37

Hi @WilkinsonM

I think your replies eloquently describe how affects some of us but certainly not all. I thoroughly enjoy sex and I am certainly no prude which is why I’ve struggled to get my head around how it made me feel.I find it incredibly interesting how for some it’s absolutely fine and for others like us it is not.

When I read replies posts on this and the many other similar threads I always wonder if they have been exposed to the same level of sound and/or the type of what I can only describe guttural or animalistic noises that I used to hear. As sex for all of us is so varied. I heard a lot of parental sex and the bed squeaking/ headboard banging noises weren’t an issue at all for me.

Over the years I have reflected why it could have affected me like it did. I not to recently discovered I am quite triophobic and have wondered if this had any link to the visceral response I experienced.

ZairWazAnOldLady · 03/07/2023 00:45

What does triophobic mean?

BloominFlower · 03/07/2023 00:56

I personally think your daughter is in the wrong and is overreacting. Firstly it was extremely late at night, plus sex is just another part of life that everyone does in some way. Yes it is best if she didn’t hear and precautions are taken, but it happens. Everyone makes different noises, surely she should understand that by 18. I wouldn’t want to hear my parents having sex, but if I did at that age, I would’ve known it’s natural, and I’s have rather heard that then them screaming at each other arguing.

I masturbate frequently with my toys and my son’s room is near, however I try my best to stay as quiet as possible and do it at times he wouldn’t hear, but if he ever did, then oh well!

Goodtimesforachange · 03/07/2023 00:57

@ElenaGreco76

Just thought I add that you did ask your daughter and although her words could have been better/kinder you should be forever grateful she was honest and brave enough to tell you. I was asked as I was off in the morning and I chose to say nothing out of possible embarrassment or shame and it really didn’t do me any good. Maybe if I had they would have had an opportunity to moderate as they saw fit instead they were blissfully unaware that I could hear which was pretty shit until I moved out sooner than they had expected. (Which is currently more difficult)

WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 05:01

GoldieG · 02/07/2023 23:45

She should not have mentioned it i had an embarrassing experience two weeks ago with 19 year old son. He asked to borrow a nail file I told him it was in my bedside cabinet he came straight out and said its okay I will get one later. When I went looking for it I realised he opened the drawer to a big pink rampant rabbit,thankfully he never said anything or acted weird.

This is so bizarre
any mother who has toys in her bedside drawer would be highly aware of that since their children were old enough to go opening drawers independently. How the fuck do you send your teenager looking in the very drawer you keep your vibrator in without thinking? You're either making this up or disgustingly thoughtless.

WilkinsonM · 03/07/2023 05:05

Goodtimesforachange · 03/07/2023 00:37

Hi @WilkinsonM

I think your replies eloquently describe how affects some of us but certainly not all. I thoroughly enjoy sex and I am certainly no prude which is why I’ve struggled to get my head around how it made me feel.I find it incredibly interesting how for some it’s absolutely fine and for others like us it is not.

When I read replies posts on this and the many other similar threads I always wonder if they have been exposed to the same level of sound and/or the type of what I can only describe guttural or animalistic noises that I used to hear. As sex for all of us is so varied. I heard a lot of parental sex and the bed squeaking/ headboard banging noises weren’t an issue at all for me.

Over the years I have reflected why it could have affected me like it did. I not to recently discovered I am quite triophobic and have wondered if this had any link to the visceral response I experienced.

Thanks!
do you mean trypophobic? I am also if so!
I'm genuinely the furthest from a prude it's kind of possible to be, and I've done and enjoyed group sex so it's really not about not wanting to hear other people having sex 😆 I think the visceral reaction is hard to describe to people who don't experience it but I think those people are definitely the minority.

Goodtimesforachange · 03/07/2023 07:26

That is so interesting @WilkinsonM
Yes I did mean trypophobic which as you probably know is debated as to whether it is a true phobia or just a the upper end of the spectrum of what is a natural response to grossish things, a latent primeval response to keep us from eating infected things. Is it a large leap to suggest that we would have other unusually strong responses to other primeval instincts including a loving sex and to hearing our parents have sex which is maybe why it’s been so very confusing.

I’ve never ever mentioned this to another human before so thank you. I will do some more research. The wonders of MN

Beachywave · 03/07/2023 11:34

Think she'd rather her mum was in a happy relationship rather than an unhappy one... she's 18 and at uni... I find it difficult to believe she's not being heard having sex in her most-likely stared house!

Mumtobabyhavoc · 04/07/2023 00:02

Is there any way to see the funny side? When I read "Animal in pain" I laughed. Yes, it world be mortifying for both sides, but you don't owe an apology because it's your house. Your daughter is practically an adult as well. 🤷‍♀️

deniss · 30/07/2023 10:18

@NeverThatSerious

I'm the same age as your son, and even my mother mocked me when I told her that I heard her being intimate with her new partner. It's difficult for any child to imagine their mother in this situation, but I'm trying to come to terms with it and find a way to live with this new reality.

Vettrianofan · 30/07/2023 22:07

🤮