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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager heard us having sex

155 replies

ElenaGreco76 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Okay, my teenager was home from uni. She’s 18, has a boyfriend and is very worldly wise. At about 2 in the morning when we assumed she was asleep my partner (her step-dad) and I had sex. I’m always mindful when the kids are in the house but I think without realising at the, ahem, crucial moment, I was a bit loud. The next day she was really off and I asked what was wrong. She said she heard us and is disgusted and that I sounded like ‘an animal in pain’ 😳. I was aghast and apologised but now feel really bad - like I’ve traumatised her. Thing is, I can remember hearing my own mum and it freaked me out — it was a very strange, disturbing noise and didn’t sound like my mum.

Should I feel bad? What should I say?

OP posts:
Xrays · 02/07/2023 09:17

We are in the same situation with our dd aged 20 being home from university. We accidentally found out she heard us a few years ago after seeing some messages on her phone which flashed up when she was in the toilet and left her phone on the side. Didn’t mean to snoop, was just waiting to hear about some arrangements for something and didn’t think anything of it as the message from her friend flashed up. I was absolutely horrified and so, so embarrassed. To be honest it’s complicated killed our sex life. We just don’t have sex when she’s home anymore. I can’t relax at all now.

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:17

SunnyLion · 02/07/2023 09:14

Apologise with a casual I'll keep the noise down next time, but maybe you should buy some headphones just in case.

Its not like you were screaming the house down.
She needs to grow up and get over it.

OP said she was loud! So how do you know she wasn't screaming the house down? Why should she get over it? There is a good reason why people are disturbed by being exposed to family members' sex lives and that doesn't stop when children become adults. It's a taboo because we are genetically programmed to be disgusted and disturbed to avoid incest. I wonder how you, the OP and others who think this is no big deal would feel about hearing their adult children orgasming? Or their own mums?

nancy2022 · 02/07/2023 09:17

I feel sick.

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:18

OhOhFionka · 02/07/2023 09:16

Such a prude.

Do you know how her daughter was made?

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Not a prude! Fucking hell. But it's not ok to expose your children to your sexual activity. Not at all.

Twattle · 02/07/2023 09:19

OhOhFionka · 02/07/2023 09:15

We're you 18?, 😂

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I was 16, and it sounded like she was crying but then I put 2 and 2 together and realised.

It grossed me the hell out.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/07/2023 09:20

How would you feel if you heard her having sex op?

It's grim and unnecessary either way round.

Ladybug14 · 02/07/2023 09:20

You were wrong to be loud. You've apologised. There's not much more you can do. She'll get over it but it is AWFUL hearing your parents having sex

Spinet · 02/07/2023 09:21

You've apologised, she should deal with it and drop it. I would not engage any further on the subject. You are entitled to have sex with your husband in your own bed. She heard her mother enjoying sex. Hardly traumatising at 18 in a world where online porn is everywhere and would have you looking at a woman subjugated in every sexual way possible if it could.

Yeah be quieter blah blah but she needs to tactically forget it like I'm sure most of us have if we've heard our parents shagging.

Estelle74uk · 02/07/2023 09:24

I'm sorry but I think its all been blown out of proportion!

You can have sex when you want! I was 13 when I heard my mum and git husband, it was yuk at the time, I'm 48 now and never had a 2nd thought. Get over it!

Enjoy OP :)

RaininSummer · 02/07/2023 09:24

Rude of her to comment at all I think. I could understand a young child asking about it but not a young woman with her own boyfriend etc. She needs to learn some diplomacy and get over herself.

Netcam · 02/07/2023 09:27

Dotcheck · 02/07/2023 09:09

Why on earth should OP apologise?
Obviously she now knows the level of sound that’s travelling and may want to keep it down, but why should she apologise?
She hasn’t done anything wrong.
Surely OP’s daughter has 1- had sex, 2- heard others doing it. She’s 18 so must be switched on enough to know that OP is an actual human being.

I think it’s way healthier to address it with humour.

Agree with this.

Onelifeonly · 02/07/2023 09:28

I often heard my parents having sex as they had the room next to mine. I thought my dad was hurting my mum the first time it happened but I would never have said anything.

People are generally more open about such things these days, so much so that an 18 year old feels she can chastise her mother. I'd say she is old enough to know better - yes I understand it's uncomfortable for her, but in that case she needs to take steps to, firstly, be prepared to hear another time, and secondly to make sure she can't (play white noise all night?).

It's not as if OP went out of her way to ensure her dd would see or hear anything. I think a lot of teens nowadays feel very entitled about having things exactly as they want (personal gripe I have at the moment!)

Allwelcone · 02/07/2023 09:29

Yup she's learnt a lesson, so have you! It's awful, I think my 14yo heard us as was really off for a few days a while back, now wears headphones at night. It's put a dampener on things for sure. We always tried not to be at all loud.
But 18....meh...

Frogpond · 02/07/2023 09:29

I would just laugh. If she doesn’t like it she can stay somewhere else.

RocketIceLollie · 02/07/2023 09:30

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:15

The fact that she had a good orgasm is 'all that matters'? No it's not!

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Oh get a grip for Pete's sake. It was a light hearted comment. There's always one isn't there....

Jellifulfruit · 02/07/2023 09:30

Newusernameaug · 02/07/2023 09:03

My son is 19 and wouldn’t behave like this, she’s trying to use it as a weapon against you.
Id apologise, which you’ve already done and tell her to get over it. These things should be laughed off.

Strange response.

Whiiiissstle · 02/07/2023 09:30

Have to agree with people asking how you would feel hearing her having a loud orgasm? And I don't agree with the comments saying she should have to wear headphones at 2am to avoid the noise of other people having sex in what is her home as well.
That being said, it's just sex and is natural, you should be able to have sex in your own house. You've apologised but I think it's only considerate to keep it down when you know others are in the house be it awake or not.

Dotcheck · 02/07/2023 09:31

Twattle · 02/07/2023 09:13

Who has head phones ready to go. They are super uncomfortable aswell.

When I heard my mum, I wasn't even sure what the hell it was at first. I thought she was being hurt.

I think most young people have ear buds.

Mojitosaremyfavourite · 02/07/2023 09:32

You know.. pillows are great for “ that moment “.

I use them all the time- yesterday even- and a pillow over my face stifles the noise and prevents the children from hearing.

quietnightmare · 02/07/2023 09:33

🤣laugh it off.

Jellifulfruit · 02/07/2023 09:33

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:18

Not a prude! Fucking hell. But it's not ok to expose your children to your sexual activity. Not at all.

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Agree with this sooooo much.

Those saying “you pay for the house, you can shag whenever you want and your kids should get over it” - have you ever heard your parents have sex? It is pretty bloody traumatising. It’s not a rite of passage 😩

HangingOver · 02/07/2023 09:33

People don't half overuse the term traumatise

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/07/2023 09:35

For most of human history, she'd have been in the same room (or cave) as you while you had sex.

Tell her she's lucky she's got her own room and that she's welcome to move out if she doesn't want to hear anything.

I heard my parents having sex sometimes. Yeah, it was a bit grim but it was preferable to the blazing rows I heard other nights.

SunnyLion · 02/07/2023 09:35

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:17

OP said she was loud! So how do you know she wasn't screaming the house down? Why should she get over it? There is a good reason why people are disturbed by being exposed to family members' sex lives and that doesn't stop when children become adults. It's a taboo because we are genetically programmed to be disgusted and disturbed to avoid incest. I wonder how you, the OP and others who think this is no big deal would feel about hearing their adult children orgasming? Or their own mums?

Show quote history

A bit loud is not screaming the house down now is it.
She's 18 and maybe having sex also. Hearing your mum have sex at 2am is it slightly grim? Yes. But it's not abuse. So yes in that way move on and get over it.
Its a taboo because so many people are prudes!
Incest?! What on earth!
She heard a sex noise at 2 am. She didn't see her mum bent over the kitchen table.

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:39

SunnyLion · 02/07/2023 09:35

A bit loud is not screaming the house down now is it.
She's 18 and maybe having sex also. Hearing your mum have sex at 2am is it slightly grim? Yes. But it's not abuse. So yes in that way move on and get over it.
Its a taboo because so many people are prudes!
Incest?! What on earth!
She heard a sex noise at 2 am. She didn't see her mum bent over the kitchen table.

Show quote history

It's a literal evolutionary phenomenon
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1090513818300746