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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenager heard us having sex

155 replies

ElenaGreco76 · 02/07/2023 08:45

Okay, my teenager was home from uni. She’s 18, has a boyfriend and is very worldly wise. At about 2 in the morning when we assumed she was asleep my partner (her step-dad) and I had sex. I’m always mindful when the kids are in the house but I think without realising at the, ahem, crucial moment, I was a bit loud. The next day she was really off and I asked what was wrong. She said she heard us and is disgusted and that I sounded like ‘an animal in pain’ 😳. I was aghast and apologised but now feel really bad - like I’ve traumatised her. Thing is, I can remember hearing my own mum and it freaked me out — it was a very strange, disturbing noise and didn’t sound like my mum.

Should I feel bad? What should I say?

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:40

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/07/2023 09:35

For most of human history, she'd have been in the same room (or cave) as you while you had sex.

Tell her she's lucky she's got her own room and that she's welcome to move out if she doesn't want to hear anything.

I heard my parents having sex sometimes. Yeah, it was a bit grim but it was preferable to the blazing rows I heard other nights.

Sex vs blazing rows - you say that like it's a normal situation for a kid to be in. Children should hear neither and the fact that you consider sex noises to be fine because it means they aren't rowing is sad.

ClarityClankrant · 02/07/2023 09:41

Just tell her that there's many a good tune played on an old fiddle and laugh it off.

She's 18 not 8 years old. About time she started growing up and realised oldies have sex, she'll be old before she knows it!

L13422 · 02/07/2023 09:43

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:06

Yeah you should feel bad because you were really inconsiderate by not keeping quiet. Nothing wrong with having quiet sex when someone else is in the house but loudly orgasming where your teenager can hear you is shitty. I can't comprehend why you would have done that. Can you not control yourself?

Exactly this

NDerbys32 · 02/07/2023 09:44
  1. At Uni. She'll have heard it before. Its life, and I'd be very politely explaining that to her. She's old enough to have that conversation Have fun lol
WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:45

NDerbys32 · 02/07/2023 09:44

  1. At Uni. She'll have heard it before. Its life, and I'd be very politely explaining that to her. She's old enough to have that conversation Have fun lol

Hearing your mates == hearing your mum

LaBefana · 02/07/2023 09:48

Christ, I heard my mum and dad having sex when I was 12! My mother said 'Don't get Vaseline all over my nightie'. I don't believe I grew up with a complex.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 02/07/2023 09:49

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:40

Sex vs blazing rows - you say that like it's a normal situation for a kid to be in. Children should hear neither and the fact that you consider sex noises to be fine because it means they aren't rowing is sad.

Show quote history

Well thats certainly a leap.

Both things were heard a handful of times over my childhood. It's not like it was a nightly occurrence.

I don't think hearing your parents have sex is a big deal because adults are going to have sex. It's not like they were screaming from the rooftops, a bit of bed creaking and grunting shouldn't be traumatising anyone.

I was a nightowl and was regularly still secretly reading at 1am, my poor parents would have had no sex life at all if theyd not occasionally done it while.inwas awake.

Spinet · 02/07/2023 09:49

WilkinsonM · 02/07/2023 09:39

Show quote history

That article does not prove the point that overhearing your mum having an orgasm is traumatic at all. Or that we are programmed to be traumatised by it. How evolutionarily counter productive that would be.

I mean it's slightly gross, sure, but that's cultural not 'programming' - I really think that genetic programming argument gets is into so much trouble generally.

The daughter's entitled to feel a bit weird about it but sex is completely natural. If I overheard my of-age daughter having an orgasm once I'd feel weird, yes, but also glad she was actually having sex with someone who valued her pleasure (as long as it wasn't every night. Then I'd tell her to keep it down).

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 09:50

Estelle74uk · 02/07/2023 09:24

I'm sorry but I think its all been blown out of proportion!

You can have sex when you want! I was 13 when I heard my mum and git husband, it was yuk at the time, I'm 48 now and never had a 2nd thought. Get over it!

Enjoy OP :)

I feel completely differently about this. I used to hear my DM regularly and it was horrific.

I'm not prone to being dramatic either. And I'm not a prude at all.

I've lived in lots of shared houses and heard plenty of other people have sex and it's just not the same.

It makes me feel physically sick even thinking about it now at 41.

It's clearly some kind of deep seated biological safeguard against incest that makes you feel physically repulsed in the strongest way.

It would make sense that some people would have a stronger reaction than others as, like everything, it's probably on a bit of a spectrum.

I honestly don't think a PP is off the mark to say it feels traumatic.

WeWereInParis · 02/07/2023 09:52

Obviously ideally you'd have been quieter and she wouldn't have heard. But she's unreasonable to be in a mood about it.

L13422 · 02/07/2023 09:53

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 09:50

I feel completely differently about this. I used to hear my DM regularly and it was horrific.

I'm not prone to being dramatic either. And I'm not a prude at all.

I've lived in lots of shared houses and heard plenty of other people have sex and it's just not the same.

It makes me feel physically sick even thinking about it now at 41.

It's clearly some kind of deep seated biological safeguard against incest that makes you feel physically repulsed in the strongest way.

It would make sense that some people would have a stronger reaction than others as, like everything, it's probably on a bit of a spectrum.

I honestly don't think a PP is off the mark to say it feels traumatic.

Show quote history

Yes I remember hearing it too and was absolutely disgusted. When she laughed it off I felt disrespected. She is allowed to have boundaries that include not wanting to hear her mum have sex. If OP isn’t willing to not loudly orgasm with her child within hearing distance she should tell her daughter so her daughter doesn’t come back to stay with her anymore. If that’s really where her priorities are: her being loud during sex over her child’s comfort and boundaries.

johnd2 · 02/07/2023 09:56

Change "having sex" to "having a poo" or "having a shower" and see if your feelings change. May be just sex hangups which most people have.

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 09:56

And I'm genuinely not over-using the word traumatised.

I have PTSD so am well versed in trauma.

The level of repulsion is something beyond my ability to articulate it.

I've never felt such a visceral level of repulsion about anything else...

WeWereInParis · 02/07/2023 09:56

If OP isn’t willing to not loudly orgasm with her child within hearing distance she should tell her daughter so her daughter doesn’t come back to stay with her anymore.

But OP hasn't said anything even close to that. She said she tried to be quiet, and now she feels awful about it. She's not said "well I'm just not willing to be quiet!"
It sounds like this is the first time, so for many years OP has managed to be quiet.

Theoldgreygoose · 02/07/2023 09:57

No, you shouldn't feel bad about having sex in your own home! Honestly, some of the replies on this thread Confused

No teen wants to think about their parent/s having sex, but tough, it happens.

Tidlywinks · 02/07/2023 09:57

She’ll get over it. Walked in on my parents twice in my late teens (late afternoons when they thought we were out were obviously their thing) and overheard once in the very early morning hours.
I just apologised for walking in, never mentioned it again and deliberately tried to not think about it.

Your daughter is being a drama but she’ll forget about it soon enough!

madeinmanc · 02/07/2023 10:00

I really wish houses were built with thicker internal walls so that things like this weren't a worry! It's all down to cost-cutting on the part of builders. How much consideration would it take to make rooms more sound-proof, really?

My2pence2day · 02/07/2023 10:02

madeinmanc · 02/07/2023 10:00

I really wish houses were built with thicker internal walls so that things like this weren't a worry! It's all down to cost-cutting on the part of builders. How much consideration would it take to make rooms more sound-proof, really?

Agree with this, even worse is someone in the loo!!

L13422 · 02/07/2023 10:03

WeWereInParis · 02/07/2023 09:56

If OP isn’t willing to not loudly orgasm with her child within hearing distance she should tell her daughter so her daughter doesn’t come back to stay with her anymore.

But OP hasn't said anything even close to that. She said she tried to be quiet, and now she feels awful about it. She's not said "well I'm just not willing to be quiet!"
It sounds like this is the first time, so for many years OP has managed to be quiet.

Why was she loudly having sex with her child within hearing distance? Even in ‘great moments’ it’s not uncontrollable.
She asked in her post “Should I feel bad? What I should I say?” I was answering that question. She hasn’t said it will never happen again in her post or from what she has told us, to her daughter either.

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 10:06

johnd2 · 02/07/2023 09:56

Change "having sex" to "having a poo" or "having a shower" and see if your feelings change. May be just sex hangups which most people have.

It's not the same.

I wrote my post about the fact that it triggers a deep seated repulsion to the point of making me feel like I might physically retch from sickness before a PP posted a link to it being an evolutionary thing.

That makes complete sense to me.

Clearly for some of us it's a very strong reaction.

I have no issues with sex. I would say I've had a wide range of sexual experience. I've shared houses with something like 30 other adults and heard most of them having sex at some point or other and it hasn't bothered me at all.

The level of repulsion I felt (and still feel) about hearing my DM having sex is 1000 times worse than seeing a dead body.

It's 1000 times worse than when I had to pick up a dead bird crawling with maggots.

I mean...a poo doesn't even compare. I could see my DM or DH having an actual shit in front of my eyes and it would still feel 1000 times less grim.

Trainsplanesandfeet · 02/07/2023 10:09

I would really hate to hear my kids having sex and I would expect them to be pretty horrified about hearing me tbh.

Apologise. You were thoughtless and it’s not ok to suggest you couldn’t have been quiet- of course you could. Plus if she’s away at uni most of the time you have ample opportunity to scream out loud and not be heard.

Spinet · 02/07/2023 10:10

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 10:06

It's not the same.

I wrote my post about the fact that it triggers a deep seated repulsion to the point of making me feel like I might physically retch from sickness before a PP posted a link to it being an evolutionary thing.

That makes complete sense to me.

Clearly for some of us it's a very strong reaction.

I have no issues with sex. I would say I've had a wide range of sexual experience. I've shared houses with something like 30 other adults and heard most of them having sex at some point or other and it hasn't bothered me at all.

The level of repulsion I felt (and still feel) about hearing my DM having sex is 1000 times worse than seeing a dead body.

It's 1000 times worse than when I had to pick up a dead bird crawling with maggots.

I mean...a poo doesn't even compare. I could see my DM or DH having an actual shit in front of my eyes and it would still feel 1000 times less grim.

Show quote history

The article about the evolutionary response does not say what you think it does. Please go and actually read it.

I am so sorry you have PTSD and that you have this level of disgust at overhearing a parent having sex. I would gently suggest that you look to yourself and how best to process that disgust because it seems atypical. It has nothing to do with the OP's situation which on the face of it is just an accidental loud orgasm she can't undo and has apologised for.

Original poster
ElenaGreco76 · 02/07/2023 10:10

To be clear, I wasn’t aware I was making a noise at climax (I can be quite lost in the moment) and would absolutely not have done so with any conscious awareness. Even then I don’t think I do it often, it just happened to be an unusually strong orgasm.

The pillow suggestion sounds ideal.

OP posts:
Xrays · 02/07/2023 10:11

wheresmymojo · 02/07/2023 10:06

It's not the same.

I wrote my post about the fact that it triggers a deep seated repulsion to the point of making me feel like I might physically retch from sickness before a PP posted a link to it being an evolutionary thing.

That makes complete sense to me.

Clearly for some of us it's a very strong reaction.

I have no issues with sex. I would say I've had a wide range of sexual experience. I've shared houses with something like 30 other adults and heard most of them having sex at some point or other and it hasn't bothered me at all.

The level of repulsion I felt (and still feel) about hearing my DM having sex is 1000 times worse than seeing a dead body.

It's 1000 times worse than when I had to pick up a dead bird crawling with maggots.

I mean...a poo doesn't even compare. I could see my DM or DH having an actual shit in front of my eyes and it would still feel 1000 times less grim.

Show quote history

I feel exactly the same. Heard my Dad and step mum going at it on holiday once when I was 13. Still makes me feel sick now, 30 years later.

KnittedCardi · 02/07/2023 10:12

She's home from uni and she's never heard anyone else having sex? Unlikely. She's being immature and spiteful.

Parents have sex, that's how you were conceived, and yes, they still have sex even when old, get over it.