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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

son gave me a black eye

139 replies

nearlyemptynes · 16/06/2023 10:27

My DS 17 pushed me the other night during an argument when I said something I shouldn't have said about his girlfriend. He is now very sorry and we have apologised to each other. I have told him I am sorry about what I said but that nothing justifies his response. When he pushed me i whacked my head v hard off a wall and now have an awful black eye. He has seen it and is v remorseful. It is fathers day this weekend and we have things planned with btoh sets of grandparents. I cant let them see this, apart from anything else they don't need the stress. Am i wrong to cover it up with make up, if i can.

OP posts:
OnsenBurner · 16/06/2023 10:28

Oh I’d probably just be honest.

The shame would ensure it never happened again.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 16/06/2023 10:28

No wear it with pride and let him carry the shame.

OnsenBurner · 16/06/2023 10:30

Converting it up sends a sends a really bad message to you and your son. I think it’s appalling.

OhComeOnFFS · 16/06/2023 10:33

I agree you shouldn't cover it up. This should be a tipping point for him where he realises his anger could end up with someone dying or with him in prison (or both).

Anyone can be sorry after the event, it's how they behave that matters.

Baldieheid · 16/06/2023 10:35

I'm 100% on telling the truth and allowing him to feel the shame that his lashing out caused someone else an injury.

Blossomandbee · 16/06/2023 10:40

No don't cover it, let everyone see what he's done.
He's nearly a man, do not teach him that men can go round assaulting women if they lose their temper and have the bruises covered up. That's giving a very dangerous message in my opinion.

polon · 16/06/2023 10:41

Blossomandbee · 16/06/2023 10:40

No don't cover it, let everyone see what he's done.
He's nearly a man, do not teach him that men can go round assaulting women if they lose their temper and have the bruises covered up. That's giving a very dangerous message in my opinion.

This

Original poster
nearlyemptynes · 16/06/2023 10:41

I get where you are coming from I really do and I have had those conversations with him believe me. My parents just wouldn't cope with it, my dad has Alzheimers and would really struggle, I just don't want to ruin fathers day and create a load of stress they don't need.

OP posts:
daretodenim · 16/06/2023 10:42

I agree that you shouldn't specifically cover it up. Do you usually wear a lot of/some/no make up? I'd do what you usually do for family events.

At the same time you don't need to spend the entire time talking about it.

And he should feel shame, but also thankful that it's "only" a black eye. You could have had a nasty concussion from hitting your head that hard, or a number of other injuries. And had you gone for medical treatment they'd have been obliged to ask you how it occurred, out of his presence. Elder abuse isn't only against the elderly.

Sounds like some male members of the family need to have awed word with him about how you treat women, because being apologetic is good, but the thinking that led to him even daring to do that in the first place is troubling. And I say male members, because he DEFINITELY wouldn't have responded to you like that if you were a 6ft6 male body builder, would he?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 16/06/2023 10:42

nearlyemptynes · 16/06/2023 10:41

I get where you are coming from I really do and I have had those conversations with him believe me. My parents just wouldn't cope with it, my dad has Alzheimers and would really struggle, I just don't want to ruin fathers day and create a load of stress they don't need.

That is entirely your sons doing.

He can be the one to explain to his grandfather.

daretodenim · 16/06/2023 10:45

nearlyemptynes · 16/06/2023 10:41

I get where you are coming from I really do and I have had those conversations with him believe me. My parents just wouldn't cope with it, my dad has Alzheimers and would really struggle, I just don't want to ruin fathers day and create a load of stress they don't need.

Well they might realise how lucky they are that you're still around/not in hospital to actually celebrate anything at all with them.

And you're not ruining anything. It's his actions that have consequences. His grandfather should be upset. He should see what his actions do to people, and not be shielded.

I sense you're minimising this a bit and also he's your son and it's natural to want to protect him. But if someone did this to him, would you want him to hide it from you?

PinkPlantCase · 16/06/2023 10:45

I’d call the police. Get them to come and talk to him. You don’t have to press charges but he needs to understand the seriousness of his behaviour.

What if he does that to other women int he future. It is not okay you need to come down like a ton of bricks now with the hope that it’s enough for him not to become a wife beater in the future.

Stupidpeoplesuck · 16/06/2023 10:45

I agree with other posters about not covering it up. But you could say to your dad it was an accident, which is sounds like it was to some extent.
Not that your son did it on purpose, or would ever do it again, but by totally covering it up, the precedent is set if anything happens in future.

Proudofitbabe · 16/06/2023 10:46

God that's a hard one. You shouldn't cover it up for HIS sake, but if you're wanting to move past it then it's better the family don't know as surely anyone normal would be practically writing him off. It's a disgraceful, alarming overreaction towards his own mother.

daretodenim · 16/06/2023 10:48

PinkPlantCase · 16/06/2023 10:45

I’d call the police. Get them to come and talk to him. You don’t have to press charges but he needs to understand the seriousness of his behaviour.

What if he does that to other women int he future. It is not okay you need to come down like a ton of bricks now with the hope that it’s enough for him not to become a wife beater in the future.

If the police would only give him a good talking to and scare the bejesus out of him then that may be an option if you don't want to let anybody know.

But it's really not a bad thing for him to see that his actions don't impact just you, but everybody that cares for you.

It's not normal that he did this. It happens, but it's not normal. Having someone other than you speak to him about it (police/family) is really a good idea.

toomuchlaundry · 16/06/2023 10:48

Is his GF aware what he did?

ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 16/06/2023 10:49

If you're covering it up for your dads sake, I get it. But otherwise no. Anyone else probably would have rang the police on him. Your son will be an adult soon.

CrotchetyQuaver · 16/06/2023 10:52

No let him see the shock on their faces. He'll be the one ruining Father's Day not you

daretodenim · 16/06/2023 10:53

Btw OP my friend's son gave her some bruises too in his teen years. It such a mindfuck because your feelings get so conflicted. You want to protect your son who is your "little boy" in your heart, but then have radically different feelings to someone who assaults you..and then they're the same person.

I'm sorry this happened, for both of you.

MorrisZapp · 16/06/2023 10:54

Unless you plan to tell your parents what happened anyway, I'd cover it up or cancel the plans. It won't be a celebration will it, with your family appalled at your son's violence. It would be a day of awful conversations and explanations.

My son has never been violent but he can be verbally pretty unpleasant to me. It's upsetting for my parents to hear it and I can't cope with him on one side being rude and my parents on the other saying 'well I wouldn't be standing for THAT' etc. It's too stressful and if I can I avoid flash points.

AdoraBell · 16/06/2023 10:57

Don’t cover it up. My sister did that when her BF gave her a black eye, he was V sorry etc until he did it again, and again.

Icedlatteplease · 16/06/2023 11:04

Whats wrong with people? You don't make a special occasion with elderly grandparents a teaching point.

If you want family members to thoughly tell him off, tell them now and make it a superate thing.

But tbh it won't make any difference

Either DS will learn or he won't. You covering it or not will have absolutely no impact on that. Do what makes you comfortable.

The important thing about violence in the long run is that you leave. Unless you are kicking DS out, there is no learning opportunity here.

If it happens again or escalates making him leave is something you will absolutely have to do if you want to make a teaching point.

EggInANest · 16/06/2023 11:06

I would talk calmly but seriously to your son and explain your dilemma. Tell him that for abused women the shame and cover up enables it to keep happening. Tell him that the only reason you would not be matter of fact and honest with your family is that his Grandad had Alzheimer’s.

I wouldn’t publicly announce it and make the party an arena of condemnation for your son, but maybe in private / confidence, tell a relative you are close to.

What did you say about his Gf?
Are you worried about their relationship?

Maddy70 · 16/06/2023 11:08

I wouldn't tell your parents. They don't need that added stress

I might even feign Illness and let your son take your Dad out for father's Day he will feel even more guilty then.

Take your dad out for a fake father's Day "when you're feeling better "

EggInANest · 16/06/2023 11:09

Just for PP information: if you call the police you don’t get to decide whether to ‘press charges’ or not.

The Police make their own decision irrespective, and then the CPS decide whether or not to prosecute.