son gave me a black eye

[nearlyemptynes]

My DS 17 pushed me the other night during an argument when I said something I shouldn't have said about his girlfriend. He is now very sorry and we have apologised to each other. I have told him I am sorry about what I said but that nothing justifies his response. When he pushed me i whacked my head v hard off a wall and now have an awful black eye. He has seen it and is v remorseful. It is fathers day this weekend and we have things planned with btoh sets of grandparents. I cant let them see this, apart from anything else they don't need the stress. Am i wrong to cover it up with make up, if i can.

Stop being hyperbolic. The OP wasn’t ‘punched in the face’.

no i know.
But many posters have repeatedly said it is ok to be violent towards someone who has said words you don't like.

It is not ok.

For OP? well, she now knows that words will provoke her DS to shove her. And now he and she know that a shove can have consequences that are a tad more serious than a bruise above the breastbone.
IMO OP shouldn't cover up the black eye because the DS didn't directly give it to her and it is ok to say she slipped and it happened. That she slipped as a result of a shove is not necessary to the explanation.

Bah people who say it's okay to hit someone you don't like in the street, violent people who would do so at home. They live degrading lives and degrade others. People wonder why domestic violence exists. That attitude is why.

Brefugee
caveat: to save yourself or a vulnerable person, and then only enough to get to safety

You have also said that it is ok to be violent in the above circumstances, what posters are trying to find out is if this fits those circumstances.

Agree

I’m 60 and have never pushed anyone in my life. However, I can think of very hypothetical reasons why I might.

Years ago, my husband shoved a man once, who was trying to chat up our daughter when she was 13. Perfectly bloody justified in my opinion.

To be clear, I’m not for one minute saying commend the boy for his actions, but, without knowing what the provocation was, none of us can be absolutely certain it was unreasonable.

Given the emotive language of the thread title, and a reluctance to elaborate, I suspect the OP isn’t fully the victim.

The bottom line is OPS son lost control and reacted in anger and used his considerable advantage of physical strength to push his mum enough to hurt her.

If he sees there are no consequences for this he has the green light that this is a tolerable way to react. Maybe next time the shove will be in her face. Or enough that she falls over.

If the OP said something absolutely unforgivable then yes it is maybe appropriate for her later to apologise for this if she regrets it. But he chose his reactions.

Thankfully OP is ok but next time she or another woman or man may not be.

Two wrongs don't make a right when someone could be seriously injured FFS

I'm not stupid. If someone attacked my kid (not verbally) and the inky way to save my kid was to punch them? Or my elderly mum? Disabled stranger? For sure.

It is not OK to be violent other than in such scenarios. I'm not sure what point you're making.

I have asked people who think violence (even "only" a shove) as reaction to words where the line is. What words make a shove OK?

Why do you think a woman would “deserve” to be pushed?

Just to educate you - There is nothing a woman could say that would make her “deserve” to be pushed. Disgusting of you to imply there is.

My point is simple.
Not everything is black and white.
My ex wouldn't hit me but would verbally abuse me, shout, rant and rave and yet wouldn't let me exit the room.

The only way that I could get out was to shove/push past them.

In the view of many on here that would make me the abuser.

Some posters need to realise that abuse isn't always physical, that is why we have DV and DA.

"many posters have repeatedly said it is ok to be violent towards someone who has said words you don't like."

I don't think anyone has said that, have they?

A few people have said that it's possible that something so awful was said about this lad's girlfriend that the shove becomes more understandable. Not that it is or was acceptable.

He had been comparing me to his girlfriends mum saying how terrible i am, what terrible parents we are etc All of this he now says he didn't mean . He has previously confided in me that he is worried about his girlfriend not eating, in the heat of the moment i said, well at least i haven't got an anorexic daughter. terrible i know, i shouldn't of said it. But what ever anyone says does not justify physical violence.

This can’t be serious!

I’ve been there too, yes I’d cover it up for the sake of a peaceful life, you’re dealing with it and both need to make Sure it never escalates that far again. You’ll get through this and hopefully be even stronger for it.

He shouldn’t have pushed you. Your conduct wasn’t great though, was it. What a bitchy thing to say.

Hopefully he’s shocked himself and won’t do that again.

If your daughter was dating this young man and she came home with a black eye because he shoved her into a wall when she said something he didn't like would you excuse it due to his under developed brain? Or would that be different than doing the same to his mother?

It doesn’t excuse violence, no, but what an absolutely awful thing to say. Using her ED (and also the fact he’s previously confided in you!) to score cheap points in a stupid argument is horrible, I hope you’ve apologised for your part.

But why are you giving a scenario that didn’t happen and the ifs and buts? The young man in question reacted the way he did because of a comment his mother made. We don’t need to make up things when they aren’t to be compared. She made a disgusting comment using something her son had told her in confidence previously and that is absolutely vile of the OP if I’m honest and I say this having known people suffer from EDs when I was a young teenager and the effect of watching friends going through it had on me and those around them that loved them. Her son reacted in the heat of the moment and I’m not ashamed to say I don’t blame him at all now I know the extent of the comment the OP made to him and how he’d come to her in confidence with a genuine worry about his girlfriend! Absolutely disgusting. Anorexia and other EDs are absolutely heart wrenching and a very real physical and mental illness. She should watch her tongue next time. She has said her son is remorseful and that shows maturity given the seriousness of the remarks she made. I think that’s enough, he doesn’t need to have this drag on and affect his grandad this weekend when he has Alzheimer’s - that disease is cruel enough without causing him more distress, again personal experiences. Both mother and son should be more careful of their actions in the future.

His girlfriend will also have to be very careful of her words and actions if she wants to avoid the same treatment.

Choosing to not mock a persons eating disorder isn’t being ‘very careful’ it’s just being a decent human being.

Shoving someone into a wall causing a black eye is very far from being a decent human being.

@Honeychickpea Oh give it a rest will you. Not everything is domestic abuse or violence and if it was then surely OP was verbally abusive towards her son but I don’t see you saying that anywhere? Words can hurt just as much as actions, sometimes more. It is undoubtedly clear how much her son cares for his girlfriend. He was worried enough to confide in his mum hoping she could help or maybe offer him some advice about the girl he cares evidently very much for. She’s raised a decent young man who made a questionable choice in the heat of the moment. I can’t say I wouldn’t have shoved someone out the way for the same reason and I’m 29 and have never shoved/pushed/fought/whatever you want to call it, or used anything somebody came to me in confidence about against them in my life.

I’ve not seen anyone say this was the right thing to do.

However, even in a criminal court, mitigating circumstances are allowed to be offered in a defence, aren’t they?

The OP doesn’t come out of this situation smelling of roses herself. Her son shouldn’t have pushed her, but he didn’t do because his mum took his phone off him.

Where did I suggest it was? My response was to your inappropriate comment trying to normalise mocking of earning disorders.

Bull. I never mentioned eating disorders or made any attempt to normalize anything about them. I just don't go along with the "look what you made me do" excuse for male on female violence.