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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

son gave me a black eye

139 replies

nearlyemptynes · 16/06/2023 10:27

My DS 17 pushed me the other night during an argument when I said something I shouldn't have said about his girlfriend. He is now very sorry and we have apologised to each other. I have told him I am sorry about what I said but that nothing justifies his response. When he pushed me i whacked my head v hard off a wall and now have an awful black eye. He has seen it and is v remorseful. It is fathers day this weekend and we have things planned with btoh sets of grandparents. I cant let them see this, apart from anything else they don't need the stress. Am i wrong to cover it up with make up, if i can.

OP posts:
Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 12:41

Greentree1 · 16/06/2023 12:30

If you wouldn't tell them if it had been a bruise on the back of your head rather than a black eye I wouldn't tell. The only problem is it's very visible so you will almost certainly have to lie or at least be economical with the truth. You know your son and whether this is totally out of character and a one of, or if it implies a slippery slope, but I would give him one chance, just the one, and tell him in no uncertain terms if anything like that happens again there will be no cover up. Then just say your son accidentally bumped into you, you lost your balance and hit your head, no big deal. No need to spoil his relationship with his GPs over this.

Just like lying to the grandparents if his father did it, right?

Soontobe60 · 16/06/2023 12:42

Stupidpeoplesuck · 16/06/2023 10:45

I agree with other posters about not covering it up. But you could say to your dad it was an accident, which is sounds like it was to some extent.
Not that your son did it on purpose, or would ever do it again, but by totally covering it up, the precedent is set if anything happens in future.

It wasn’t an accident. He did it on purpose.

Tiddlypomtiddlypom · 16/06/2023 12:43

So you want to teach him that as a near-man he can physically assault women for not doing as he likes or for speaking ‘out of turn’, and that so long as he portrays appropriate remorse, she’ll hide his appalling behaviour from others in order to protect his comfort…?

You absolutely sure you want to teach him that lesson?

Brefugee · 16/06/2023 12:43

don't hide it. You don't have to say how it happened, exactly, but if you try to hide it by suddenly wearing a load of make-up people will know anyway.

How sure are you that your son has really learned the message about violence?

bumblebee2235 · 16/06/2023 12:45

If someone hit your son and gave him a black eye? Would you then tell him and expect him to cover it up so other people are happy and don't get upset?

Brefugee · 16/06/2023 12:47

Lwrenagain · 16/06/2023 11:46

Purely to not upset your dad I'd lie, but I'd take a picture and save it, because as much as this should be a one time thing, it may escalate. Sorry OP 💐

One of my DS is very strong and large, but playful and daft and he and my younger DS occasionally play, "let's hide mum" where ill be stood doing something and the next minute I'm flung around and being transported to another part of the house. Or shed. Once he ran off with me down the road. I was barefoot and had to walk back whilst being terrored by them all. Dicks.
But a few occasions whilst lugging me around he's cracked my head on doorframes, and yet it hasn't occurred to him to stop either. Teenagers are strangely strong but unaware of it. That's my point really.
I know your son did this in temper and I'm not excusing him at all, but he also may truly not have been aware of his strength, so hopefully a lesson learnt. He most likely will be riddled with shame and guilt.
I wouldn't hide my eye either if it wasn't going to distress your parents, but I understand why you would, if they notice it say something fell out the cupboard on you.
And quite honestly although I'm sure you won't, but if he ever ever ever gets a temper like that again, you ring 999.
Youre a mum, not a punchbag. 💐

But a few occasions whilst lugging me around he's cracked my head on doorframes, and yet it hasn't occurred to him to stop either.

it shouldn't have happened at all. Once is an accident but multiple times? why didn't you put a stop to it? Being all softly-softly with sons (who may not be violent as such but who don't know their own strength) is how other women get black eyes.

Nanny0gg · 16/06/2023 12:50

daretodenim · 16/06/2023 10:45

Well they might realise how lucky they are that you're still around/not in hospital to actually celebrate anything at all with them.

And you're not ruining anything. It's his actions that have consequences. His grandfather should be upset. He should see what his actions do to people, and not be shielded.

I sense you're minimising this a bit and also he's your son and it's natural to want to protect him. But if someone did this to him, would you want him to hide it from you?

Show quote history

His grandfather has Alzheimer's! Why should his grandfather be upset?

Brefugee · 16/06/2023 12:52

I am sorry but I think this is 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

excusing violence because someone "used words" - man vs woman violence at that? lovely

Yes, it is not ok for OP to slag off her DS' girlfriend (I wonder what actually was said?)

But it is NEVER ok to resort to violence under these circs. Not a shove, not a slap, not a punch in the face.

Gymgo · 16/06/2023 12:58

What did you say about her

Both of you are in the wrong here

Madamecastafiore · 16/06/2023 13:02

SEN or no SEN, it's sad but those boys not knowing their strength is so often used as a defence.

Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 13:03

This sort of excusal/covering up of domestic violence is disgusting. Violence toward the mother is just as nad as toward the partner. Shame on anyone who says to cover it up or lie.

Gracewithoutend · 16/06/2023 13:04

It's Fathers Day. Do whatever is right for your father.

My mother has severe Alzheimers and if I told her I'd fallen and given myself a black eye, she'd believe me. She wouldn't have belueved me before she got Alzheimers. Maybe lie for those who have, and let those who haven't draw their own conclusions.

strawberrywhisk · 16/06/2023 13:08

How many times will you be willing to cover up for his violence, in the future will you cover up when he hits a partner or wife. When will it be ok for him to be accountable for this abuse?

Lwrenagain · 16/06/2023 13:10

@Brefugee as explained to another poster, he has SEN and his playful side is quite immature. He was also about 13 last time he did this to me. (Now he does it to stepdad, because its funnier to run off with a grown man)
Plus, you have to be able to have fun with your children, he is a wonderful person I enjoy talking to, spending time with and being his mum. Because he's a bit of dyspraxia and generally shit motor skills I am probably more tolerant to him running into doors with me or worse, twizzies, where he used to pretend he was the waltzers.
Some kids have water fights or hide and jump out on their parents.
Mine just found it fun to move me.
I have a mild fear of water (pools, sea etc) but I still go in for my kids. He knows this so every time we go these places he stays by me so I "feel safe" and he's never ever once picked me up, thrown or even splashed me, so he understands completely what stops being funny.
Anyway he's not done it for ages.
I kind of miss it, not knowing which part of the house I'll be removed from/placed in.
Although he once wheeled his grandpa into the downstairs wetroom when he was about 7, and kept asking, "what have I hidden" and poor FiL was missing (luckily asleep) for ages, as we all frantically searched for usual suspects like remotes/purses/phones.

OpenDoors72 · 16/06/2023 13:11

What did you say about his girlfriend?

saraclara · 16/06/2023 13:11

You don't make a special occasion with elderly grandparents a teaching point

Exactly. I'd cover it up, but tell your son:
"I'm covering this up purely for granddad's sake, as I don't want to spoil his day by having to explain how I got it. I'm not covering it up to save your skin. In any other situation, I would let people ask how it happened and tell them the truth. And if you do it again, that's exactly what I'll do. But your grandad doesn't deserve to have his day ruined by you"

Gettingbysomehow · 16/06/2023 13:12

I told my DS about this and he was appalled, he's 40 now and he said he'd never even think of doing anything like that because he said he knew I'd forgive him but it would really have completely destroyed my trust in him.
I left my violent exH with DS and we never went back and even going through all that he's never shown any signs of violence.
I'm afraid there have to be consequences for this. Wether it's getting the police round to talk to him or banning his girlfriend from your house. You just cannot let him get away with it.

Honeychickpea · 16/06/2023 13:14

saraclara · 16/06/2023 13:11

You don't make a special occasion with elderly grandparents a teaching point

Exactly. I'd cover it up, but tell your son:
"I'm covering this up purely for granddad's sake, as I don't want to spoil his day by having to explain how I got it. I'm not covering it up to save your skin. In any other situation, I would let people ask how it happened and tell them the truth. And if you do it again, that's exactly what I'll do. But your grandad doesn't deserve to have his day ruined by you"

Npoe. You're teaching him that you and any future partners will cover for his violence to prevent upset to other male family members. Those male family members may well be the reason why you think your son's violence is acceptable.

Undisclosedlocation · 16/06/2023 13:17

Surely there should be some consequences for his actions, OP?
if not this, then what else instead?

A quick ‘sorry’ and brush it under the carpet is not appropriate imo

YoucancallmeKAREN · 16/06/2023 13:24

Cover it up and lie and you are telling your Son that DV is ok. Do you really want him to think it is ok ?

LaBefana · 16/06/2023 13:27

Just because he's 'sorry' now, or says he is, that doesn't mean he won't do it again, especially if he thinks you'll cover it up and/or make excuses for him out of 'he's my little boy' blind loyalty. If my son did that he'd be moving out.

7eleven · 16/06/2023 13:28

ImpromptuGathering · 16/06/2023 12:16

It's not ok to slag off your son's girlfriend. He is bound to want to defend her, as any one of us would hope our sons would do for those they love.

It's not ok to shove someone who slags off your girlfriend.

I am sorry but I think this is 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.
He didn't "give you a black eye" directly, as in punch you in the face. I assume he shoved you in the back and you fell forward?

I would not cover with makeup, but neither would I tell people your son "gave you a black eye". I would say you were arguing, you were shoved, you fell, and both of you behaved badly and it's now over and done with. The black eye was an accident.

I agree with this. What did you say about his girlfriend OP? If it was racist or in other way vile, that would in some way mitigate it.

I am not condoning violence. The son didn’t mug her though did he. He responded to something she said. Without knowing what that was, we can’t say for sure how unreasonable the son was.

whynotwhatknot · 16/06/2023 13:29

What does your dh think

what happens the next time he does it or does it to his gf?

justanothermanicmonday1 · 16/06/2023 13:29

Please don't cover it. That in itself is sending a MASSIVE message. That it's acceptable to be assaulted, hurt and just "apologise" don't cover it up and don't make any excuses for him!

I'd be telling his gf to run a bloody mile!

CeliaNorth · 16/06/2023 13:34

Without knowing what that was, we can’t say for sure how unreasonable the son was.

In what circumstances is it reasonable for a male person to lay hands on a female, beyond the age of four or thereabouts?

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